Mom lives at an ALF and has always been fiercely independent. She refuses help. Advice?


Mom has moderate dementia. What do I say to convince her that she needs to accept the staff's help? She gets upset and curses at them; insisting why don't 'you people leave me alone'. I have much heartache trying to visit her; she just is not the same person my Mom was. She knows who I am but her short term memory is so quickly going. She need more help and we are paying for a higher level of care, but staff is 'unable' to force her compliance (I understand this issue).The staff seem to be too regimented. Example if Mom has an accident and it happens to NOT be laundry day; or house-keeping day- her needs are not met. Mom is not ready for nursing home care.; and I fear that would make matters worse. Help with your suggestions??

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Mom is at the ALF on Level II, but she is too impatient to wait for their help. She also lies " I just took a shower" so hubby went to see the head nurse and explained she had not showered in a week. They made sure she got a shower, with help. Wonderful people, you just get them on the same page and it works.
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Is she being seen by a dementia specialist? Is she on any medications?
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Mom has been at this facility for about 4 years. She has progressively declined. That worsening has increased more rapidly in this last year. Thank you for your kind wishes. The nursing home is something I've always vowed would not happen...but Mom is otherwise fairly healthy considering her past medical history of cerebral aneurysms, broken hips/ribs.
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My heart goes out to both of you ... and the staff! This stage of denial is so hard on everyone.

Any care facility would immediately help with cleanup of accidents whether it was the right "day" or not ... but they would have to know about the accident. I suppose that is the problem. Mom doesn't want them to know. Sigh.

Does/Can the higher level of care include more frequent room-checks, to detect the accidents sooner?

It may be the Mom will be ready for the closer supervision of a nursing home sooner than you think. Keep an open mind on that.

I really have no advice. I just want to give you a hug and my well wishes. Let's hope this denial stage passes quickly.

BTW, how long has she been in ALF? Has she had time to settle in?
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