Follow
Share

I feel these individuals are taking advantage of her but she is completely blind to it. They only pay half of utilities and no rent. They have it so easy and it really bothers me. Living on 2 floors of her home. However, I feel this situation is beyond my control as her son, because my mom is adamant that it's her decision and she is okay with it. I have expressed my concerns to my mom who assured me before they moved in that they would be paying $1200 rent, plus half utilities, which was a lie. I feel betrayed by her and also feel my hands are tied in even approaching these family members about my feelings after the fact. If I had known she wasn't going to charge rent I would've put up such a fight with her. I guess that's why she didn't tell me. I do not want my mom to feel I'm pushing her around or trying to control her life, but at the same time, I see her struggling financially when she should be asking for rent money that could help her tremendously. On top of this these family members have son nearby who lives in a huge house that can accommodate them. I feel that my mom has enabled this situation to develop and God forbid something happens to her, I have to adopt the headache of removing them from my family home. I'm at a lost on what to do, but sometimes as I rack my head to figure out what to do, I simply think maybe nothing....but I can't tell you the inner anger I feel when I see these people living in my childhood home like pigs in you know what....they moved in soon after my dad passed away, selling their home in AZ moving all the way across the country to NY and I wonder to myself what type of individuals do this, at their age (60s). I've expressed all these emotions to my mom and have had heated conversations to no avail. I have just dropped it because it seems hopeless.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ed, I'm so glad that you took my post in the way in which I meant it! I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad, I'm sure that you did the right thing! CHF is a very difficult and painful condition to watch your Loved one go through. I had some dificult decisions to make with both of my parents end of life issues, and we can only do our best and go with what is advised, and then our own gut instincts. Try to keep everything in regards to your Mom and her having care, companionship and her safety into perspective, and you will have made the right decision! Remember that your relatives are also giving up their freedom, when it comes to them being there for your Mom, and try to appreciate it from that perspective. Right now anyways, they may be doing you a big favor! As you well know, there may be other difficult times ahead, but for now, her safety is #1! Your a good chap! Thanks for getting back to me! I definitely only meant for you to think about it from both sides! Speaking from experience here, as we've had my FIL living with us for 13 years, and Boy does it ever crimp your style! Being chained to caregiving can really wear you down! Glad you got your Moms important asset protection taken care of, so important! You take care now! ☺
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Stacey what you thoughtfully took time to write is very encouraging to me and changed my perspective. I thank you. As for caregiving, I dealt with some of those experiences with my father who went through a very slow decline with congestive heart failure. It was very hard on me to cope with it and ultimately having to make the decision to stop the procedures and let him go. So much was stacked against him near the end, yet I still live with having to make the decision and whether or not it was the right one. Plus all the time I was at hospital and not at work or with family. Caregiving is not easy and I should look at the situation with my mom as a blessing in ways. Although I love her and wished she sold her big home and moved near me to be closer to her grandchildren who adore her I understand deep down she loves her home and the many memories made there. I can't expect her to leave and I can't expect her to not seek some companionship of relatives her age. This has been very therapeutic for me to post and hear feedback.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Edhunter77, I know (I think) that you are new on here, the AC website, and I don't know how long your Mom has been a Widow, how old she is, or how old you are, if you live near her, and are you still working or retired, and how much you currently Do for your Mom, as often is the case of "only children", You are the one stuck doing Everything, and often for years and years and years, and believe me when I tell you, Caregiver Burnout is a huge deal! And while I agree with you regarding how these people should probably be paying SOMETHING more towards their room and board, you did say that you have "covered your bases by having POA, and putting Mom's home in a trust, and that these relatives Are companionship and Are genuinely nice to your Mom, as well as they Do her shopping ETC.....
I honestly understand your concerns, but please do look at the facts that they Are looking out for her, she's Safe with them, they Do help to Care for her, and if they weren't, who would be? You? Because, if their being their with her, allows you to continue on with your own life, with your wife and family, continue working, continue taking vacations, and your life is without a lot of interuptions, and that you Do have peace of mind that someone is there with her, Man you are miles ahead of many others who have to give up those luxuries, and devote many many hours per week to their lone surviving and elderly parent! Not to say that your aren't doing tons for her, I'm just asking questions, but if having them there helps you to carry on in what are probably your highest earning years, and that you can visit her as you will, and that it's actually enjoyable Visiting, and not going to her houses several times a week or every day, and each and every day is a chore of some sort, I say GOOD ON YOU MATE! You are one of the lucky ones! If you have not yet read up on long term caregiving, and how burnout happens, and how kids become resentful for having to give every available minute to their parents care, then I would take that trade off in a heartbeat! Not to say you may have to do that in the future, because you might, but for now, having them there, looking out for her, Hurrahh!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I might watch carefully with a nice smile on my face. Maybe, they will do right, if they know there is someone with an eye on them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you for your responses. They mean a lot to me. Yes I have taken the appropriate steps and have recently completed durable POA as well as redoing moms will and placing her home in a trust. That gives me some peace of mind, however that's as far as I think I can take it as of now. In some ways yes these family members do provide her with companionship and help her shopping etc. My wife does see my perspective but seems to say same as first person who responded here. It's her life and her business on what she chooses to do. I guess I have to deal with the thoughts in my inner turmoil as opposed to taking any action. Maybe I'm just being overprotective, but I do not have siblings and I feel I need to look out for mom because I like to think my judgement is sound and I have a clearer understanding of what's happening. But that could be me just needing control of the situation. I just think, would I do the same as these two folks--in their 60s retired, sell home and live like this off someone without even the respect to say, 'it's only right we throw you some rent money, considering what you've done for us." To me, not doing so speaks volumes about their character. Although they seem genuinely nice to my mom, who wouldn't be in this situation. I see snakes...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Are these family members doing anything for the free rent like yard work, or care in anyway of your Mom? Grocery shopping, house cleaning, cooking? Just having them there may give her a sense of security from living alone. Some things like peace of mind, are worth more than money. I do understand your feelings of frustration, but if she is happy with the situation, I don't see where you can complain. Even if they are taking full on advantage of her, and it sounds like you do, stiil, its her choice, For Now! When she come to the decision that it's time for a change, be there for her, and help her with the tenant evacuation. You will probably have to give them legal notice.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I share your pain. I have witnessed the shameful behavior of adults in my family who have taken advantage of my parents. They aren't living with them anymore, but still, it happens. It's disgusting how greedy, selfish and unappreciative they can be. It does boggle the mind, but as long as the parents are competent and nothing illegal is going on, there's not much you can do. Some of the adult children can do no wrong and are handed everything on a silver platter.

What I am doing is watching patiently. As soon as they are not competent, I will step in and make some adjustments. Are you your mom's Durable POA? If so, maybe, you can correct things, if and when the time comes. I would keep your eyes open, just to make sure they don't try to pull some kind of fast one regarding her finances.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Don't fight with your mother. You don't know what arrangements your mom has made with them. And it's none of your business. Let it go and live your life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter