Mom panics when I don't answer phone. Any advice?

OK, CatB, it sounds like mom is showing signs of early dementia, and you need to take mom to the doctor to get an assessment. This clinginess, especially since it is out of character, is common when dementia sufferers start to realize something isn't right. In some cases, the sufferer isn't even aware they are being clingy, but knows something inside isn't right. That causes great fear and anxiety. It's only natural, I guess, to try to hold onto the person you trust the most, and it's clear that for your mom, that person is you. Yes, you are going to need to set some boundaries, but you cannot do that until you really know what mom is facing. I also went through the torture of not being able to take a shower, or miss a phone call, or be late, or have a life of my own -- and it was h*ll. Nip it in the bud now, while you can. If you are not prepared to take over as her caregiver, then start now to get the appropriate people in place, so that burden doesn't fall on you when you are least equipped to handle it. The feelings you have now will not go away -- they will only get more intense as her needs grow, and you have to find ways to cope with that and with the challenges to your sanity, health and well-being that come along with caregiving our parents.

My own mother did this. She went from totally independent to clingy. It was such a change. She drove my sister nuts. I would say "Don't answer the phone." But, if she did that, there would be hell to pay, from Mother.

I don't suppose your mom will go for a physical and get on a sedative? She would be much better off.

She drove my sister to an early death and is now, chipper, clean and loving life in the nursing home. She will be 96, in March.

Maybe it is time for Assisted Living. It would relieve anxiety for both of you. Once we got mom settled in, the panic attacks ceased. She does however, push the call button just to see how long it takes them.

Catbalou8: you stated she fears that something might happen to you. Please heed this warning: many caregivers suffer debilitating health issues like stroke and heart attacks( the latter being more fatal to women than men) due to the stress of caregiving. Don't put off getting additional professional caregiving - do it now.

I agree with Pam about Assisted Living. I have gone through the phone call thing with my mom, too. She would call me each morning to "check in", and we would chat for a few minutes. Then she started calling multiple times, often forgetting that she had already talked to me. Next came the panic calls. If I didn't answer the phone fast enough (sometimes before voice mail would even pick up), she would hang up and call again. She would call every two or three minutes until I answered. No excuse for not answering was good enough for her. If I was in the shower, in a meeting, or at a dentist appointment I was still expected to answer her calls. Now she is in assisted living, and although she still has her phone, the constant calls have decreased. If she starts calling me repeatedly I suggest she go check her mail or go down to the common area to see if there is an activity going on. By the time she has done this, she has forgotten about calling me. The added benefit is that the calls don't stress me as much because I know that she is safe and has help nearby if she needs it.

How about creating a message that says something like, "You've reached (your name). Mom, I'm fine but just can't answer the phone right now. I'll call you back in just a little bit. Mom, and everyone else, please leave a message if you'd like.

I agree with Zoo. For my mom, these episodes of panic were probably caused by a small stroke. Took us a while to catch on that mom was not as capable as previously and that almost anything sent her into a tailspin. Independent Living helped (there was always someone around) as sid antidepressants.

Yup, been there, done that, too! Our moms sound very alike and my reaction was similar -- extremely uncomfortable. Mine would even threaten to change the locks when I was leaving for work, because she didn't want me to leave. And then the tears would fall...so hard to drive away, compose myself and get through the day, when it starts out that way. But shrug it off, you must. And take that vacation now, while you still can. As things progress, it will become more difficult for you to pry yourself away, and you absolutely need to take care of yourself, first.

My Mom is also home alone and with some dementia. Also refuses to consider AL or caregivers....and she has days she does exactly this. Also, when something doesn't go right, she panics and calls and calls. The other day, she pushed the wrong button on the microwave and messed up her clock. She couldn't follow the directions, and could not get me because I was in that part of AZ where the cable was cut and we were 4 hours with no cell service, internet or phone service. She typically does exactly as your Mom...calls my cell, if I don't answer right away, she leaves a voice mail hollering at me for not answering and then immediately calls the house number. If no answer there she will call my husband's cell. If no answer, she starts on the granddaughters cell numbers. And she is yelling and mad by the time she gets someone. There were days I was getting 15 to 20 calls a day from her. Better now, that I set some boundaries, and I do call her a certain times. Also, we got her alarm system set up with a couple cameras so I can go on line and see if she is OK in the house, since I live 5 hrs away. I alarm her in at night and disarm her in the morning before she wakes up, because she's never been able to learn how to work the system. She also sometimes, takes to messing up the TV because she pushes the wrong buttons on the remote....and then there is HELL to pay until someone gets over there to fix it for her!! When these things happen, she always acts like someone else or something else made it happen and then complains because I am not living there with her, or in town so I can come right over and fix it!! She does have 3 neighbors that help me take care of her when these things happen, and a volunteer group comes and checks on her. But I am at the point where I want a caregiver in home with her for 4-5 hours a day too. She's just getting worse. And it's time for me to check in with her right now....so gotta go! I LOVE the alarm system with the video. It is ideal for family who live out of town....for assurance that your elderly one is doing OK in the house alone.

BTW there are ALs where you do NOT have to eat at set times; and there are workarounds for the places that have meal-times. For example, for a couple extra bucks you can have your meal brought to your apt on a tray, and then warm it in the microwave later when you want it. Or skip a dining-hall meal and microwave a frozen dinner you've kept in your little fridge.