My Mom will only let the caregiver go to the bank. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom will only let the caregiver go to the bank. Any advice?

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Mom (91) lives with me and I have two caregivers. She will let the caregiver know where her money is in the house but not me. she lets the caregiver sign her debit card. but will not let me us her card for anything. My mother is very hurtful towards me and will not let me take her to the bank. she will not tell me when she is going to the bank. she lived with my sister before and the same thing happen. My mom hid the mail and did not turn in the medical expenses to the va department and had to pay back over $30,000 to veterens assistance program. She trusts strangers but not her family. It hurts me all the time. The one caregiver defends me and the other encourages her to buy stuff she doesnt need like a deep fryer. My mom is 91 and can not even cook for herself.

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Take a copy of the POA with you Maryanne to the bank or banks where your mother has accounts and get access to how her money is doing.
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Maryanne, something that is important to many people with dementia is control. Keeping information about her finances to herself may be a way that she feels she is keeping control. She may have an irrational thought that if family knew about her money that they would be after it. Since you have the POAs, you are able to learn about her finances, but perhaps do it in a way that doesn't upset her sense of control.

The mail is a problem. When it comes to government mail, it can be difficult to change addresses, but it may be worth a try to have your mail sent to a PO Box, where you can filter through it before giving it to your mother. What happened with the VA was pretty serious and shows your mother can't be trusted with finances. Sometimes we have to work around them by making sure we get to the mail first.
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Maryannez, who is paying for your mother's caregivers? That really should be paid for out of her money.

Your mom's dementia has really gotten bad. Your sister and you need to take over at this point as her POA. Have her doctor evaluate her level of mental incompetency and tell him in advance about all these things that she has been doing and thinks she's getting ready to.

Are these caregivers hired through an agency? If so, I doubt the agency wants them to do the things your mother has them doing and needs to be reported to the agency. How do you know that one or both of these caregivers are not stealing some of your mother's money?

What I'm basically saying is that it is time for you and your sister to use the authority that the POA gives you!

Does the POA document say anything about what needs to be done, like being evaluated by a doctor as incompetent, for the POA to be activated? You mother gave you and your sister POA so that you two could help her in situations like the very one she is in now. Don't expect her to just hand the check book over for her mind is sick. Your mother needs for you and your sister to take charge!

Let us know how things are going.
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My mother lives in my house with me. She always said she is moving out at the end of the month. She can not live alone. She will not go to assisted living. But now she is buying things for her new place with the caregiver taking her to get them. My mom lives in a in law suite on my house. So far she brought a new vacuum and a deep fryer. She will not open the vacuum because she is saving it for her new place which is is imaginary
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Danashel, I'm sorry to read that your mother treats you like a kid and treated you badly when you were a child. That about sounds like a personality disorder to me because there are people who will treat their immediate family like junk and be so nice to everyone else. Don't let her sharp tongue drag you down. Detach from her.

I did a search for detachment for you on this site which has a list of articles that would help you with this.

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=detachment

Do you live in her house or does she lives in yours?

Keep in touch.
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Even before she developed dementia, my mother always saw me as her kid, who she had to scold, and boss around, I had to do as she said. She was always like that. She always respected "other people" but not me, who was only a stupid kid. Could there be some of that here? My parents wouldn't let me know how much money they had, until my dad died in 1989 and my mom let me handle money, because she couldn't. Even though I always did well, I was never any more than a stupid kid.
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Thank You everyone. I did read that. It was very helpful especially the part about how they tell lies about you. My mom has been doing that as well, telling lies to the caregivers about me. It was helpful to see it on paper. It hurts when its your mother. My mom has the kind of dementia, That you have to know her really well, to know that she has it. she can get by with people who don't know her that good. That you so much for all your help. This is a great forum
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Maryannez, again, the reason your Mom is acting this way is because of her Alzheimer's/Dementia.

Go to the blue bar at the top of this page... put your Mouse over "Elder Care", a drop down menu will appear.... click on "Alzheimer's and Dementia" and learn everything you can about the illness. This is an illness that doesn't get better, it doesn't stay the same, it only get's worse.... and there is nothing you can do to make it better except to understand the different stages, and prepare for each stage.
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My sister and I both have power of attorney, but my mom will not give us the checkbook. she insists on taking care of it all and will not let me handle it. She has the caregiver take her to the bank. When I offer to take her she says, no.
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