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I'ts so that I can't call her anymore..I did the last time a few weeks ago; I miss her terribly and trying to help her with things around the house..and she's become obsessed with us not doing it the way she thinks it's to be done..and it takes times to move autos and find someone reliable to move them . we have plenty of time and she's obsessing about it and arguing with me get it down now.
so i can't call her cos it upsets me hear her talk that way. I told her it wasn't like her to act this way.....and no apologies......nothing.......
scared to call her.......

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have her doctor check what vitamins and stray minerals she is low on. does she have a urinary track infection.don't worry about slow changes as much so you worry about the fasts ones. go see her if you can see the changes in the house and her ways ticks or new habits.
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Your Mom does know..and feels awful when she speaks out of context or character. She does know. Patience is key.and knowing she is changing.so hold nnothing against it. We all will have to take our turn. and Meds do help if the Dr says which kind. she may not have a reason..so if she is not being herself..its just a slip of things..and she may not remember why.
Im learning these things myself.
love & patience. and all is part of out age.
good luck.
Medina..am here for you.k
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Medina, I definitely understand what you are experiencing. I am going through the exact same thing with mom, from the obsessing down to the rudeness. I try and remember that mom is changing because she would never have acted this way before. I am starting to hold close the good moments to help get me through the bad.

Once I realize that mom's snappiness is not an isolated incident, I do start gently and calmly questioning her to see what has upset her. Once we get to the bottom of that, she gets better until the "next" time.

So far, this is just my way of dealing with this and I am a definitely a "newbie"; but it seems to be working. Mom has been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment with Memory Loss and is still undergoing testing for Alzheimer's. Her doctor (neurologist) did notice some of the sharp tone and told me that if it got too bad (which it was) to let him know and he could give her something to help.
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Fregflyer....OMG I love that statement we are kids to them forever. MY KIDS are my babies...I love them more than life. I just pray Dear God, please do not let me get this horrible disease. My kids deserve a mother who will just DIE and not go on and on in an illness that is horrible. Alzheimers, Parkinsons, Dementia...I hate them all and do not want to do that to my kids. They keep telling me they would care for me no matter what. But, it just is not fair. I want my kids to remember me like I remember my mom. My mom refused to live at home or with any of us. She went to the hospital Hospice toward her end. I don't think there are any of those any longer. But, she died like the lady she was...When I cleaned out her closet, she had dresses with tags on them yet...She was planning on going somewhere to the end and always dressed like she had a million dollars. That is who I want to be. My BABIES are so precious...
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Media,,,, When my Partner starts on something, I let him go on his tangent by himself. I usually busy myself with something else, shake my head and wait for him to realize that he must have done something wrong. There is NO WAY I would ever get an apology as with his disease and personality (full on German), it is not going to happen. I just remember how much I love him and he loves me and get on with life and caring for him. Good Luck
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MidKid50;
~Thank you very much for your words to me..you put me at ease..and that is something I appreciate highly. Thank you. I will put a note to the Dr...as calling may just be hard as he is always with Patients. Mom is coming today for lunch with her granddaughter; my daughter that helps. and i thot of not being here when she comes by..son will be here. it's all cos i have no idea what she will do. I know she is wanting things done..yet, of course We get it done. I don't know what #2 thing will be. I'm just Praying that she just rests more and stays cool&hydrated. She had go to Dr.and he gave her pills for Vertigo..which she threw them up..became dehydrated ..not hungry..and went to ER the next few days after that and they told her Vertigo. She didn't tell me she was in ER as we live in the town where the Dr;s/Hospital are. My Daughter said Why didn't she tell us?? then all of this stuff of moving the cars..came about and we are doing the best we can. We are doing it..so let us do it. My Son is like Wow..and she's all over the place..he trimmed a tree branches and she was particular which saw he used and put it back exactly where it was.or the air compressor..which is mine..but now is hers ...which I asked for when Dad passed away............as Dad and i worked on vehicles together..and she has been selling and changing his Workshop without asking the grandsons if they want any tools........it's all changed.the One Place we could feel his Presence was his chair and the Workshop. My Dad was a hard worker and supported teh Family.He was handsome..and funny&came from a large family. I guess it was Love at first sight for them..Marriedl over 50yrs. Mom started work too after I graduated with Dad. I don't know why she is jealous of my saying his name or talking about him..I don't want her selling everything either. I help as I can.&do.when I can as she don't let me.
I will write a letter to the Doc &ask Questions.
~thankyou for you being you..& want you to know you have a Friend; Me..that will help you also. Hope to hear from you again.
medina
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Medina: you can, for your own mental well being just ignore this behaviour or.."mom, it will get done as soon as we can get to it, period" ...and let her go on obsessing. However, i agree with all who are advising that you have her examined by her doc or take her to specialist. They can test her for urinary tract infection and a stroke. A "mini" stroke can result in a change in behaviour without other symptoms. A change in behaviour could be alzheimers/dementia, especially if this behaviour continues.
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Medina--
You are a good daughter to be concerned for your mom. BUT don't let her aging make you crazy. She that she gets a good physical and possible a psych eval., if you have the ability to have both done by a good Geriatric Physician. Keeping the voicemails where she is being "obsessive" or "manipulative" couldn't hurt and might help a dr in making their dx. They've heard it all--and if she denies saying things, you can back yourself up. Just try not to make it confrontational. It's tricky..I know. Don't jump in with that, first thing.
She sounds a LOT like my mother. Aging has not been kind to her, as she just gets "more the same". Perhaps your mother has had a small stroke (not uncommon in older folks) and you didn't see them have it, just noticed a change in behavior..or just the aging process itself. I know my mother will obsess over one thing, as soon as it's taken care of, the #2 thing on her worry list becomes #1. (Called Maslow's Hierarchy--look it up if you've never heard if it--we ALL do that, to an extent) And yes, what our aging parents may think is imperative to get done NOW may seem really dumb to us, but to them, they can worry a little problem to death.
You promised your father (whom she didn't like) that you'd care for her, and while I personally think that's not a "fair promise"...you are feeling the frustrations that come with wanting to honor your father and at the same time, don't want to deal with mom.
My mother hurts my feelings constantly, She has never apologized to me once in her life. I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology. Sounds like your daughter us also involved--do talk with her and get her take. Your mom is aging and with that comes changes that we often don't like. She could also have an easily dealt with UTI ( mother will go really "crazy" if she gets one of those. Med combinations can cause a lot of odd reactions in older people...so many places to go with this problem--she really needs a good physical and blood work up to see what's possibly wrong. And prepare yourself that this could simply be your mom becoming an old lady. Not everyone ages beautifully and graciously. Actually, very few people do, in my experience. Good luck to you.
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she probably would be better not alone; tho she won't let me live with her ..I've been alone since 2008 and had to rud myself thru alot. she makes me to be independent as well; always thot of buying a van with one of those beds in it for the pup and i. she says that kind of dog isn't Welcome. so i finally found a place. and been doing so and now am ok.
tho' she says she wants to leave years ago..I know is hard as it's independence and a beautiful yard..
she doesn't lsten to me..and i respect her..and that..yet, not sure what to say or do..i'm alone on this...
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Medina, the more I read about your Mom the more I think it is now time for Mom to downsize.... sell that house [won't be easy] and move Mom into a senior apartment complex where she can be around people of her own age group, no more worry about mowing the lawn, getting the cars ready, fixing this or that.

I know, I should talk, my parents are in their mid-90's and are still in their single family home.... I gave up trying to pry them out of there and go into something with less worry. Because of that, I am now a "bystander" just watching. If Dad need yard work done I give Dad the name of my landscaper because I am too old to do my own work at my own house [we are forever *kids* in the eyes of our parent]. My parents are always hinting about this or that.... I won't cave in, I tell them they need to hire someone.
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a grasping at straws trying to control and increasingly uncontrollable universe.
In order to preserve some shred of your own sanity, set boundries and stick to them. If you offer to take her shopping on Saturday, you are NOT available "on demand" on Wed if she ran out of milk. If she deliberately runs out of meds, pharmacies deliver. If she suddenly feels sick after an "I want you here right now" tantrum, send a taxi.
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A polite "I'm sorry that you are unhappy, but I am unavailable until XX" and an alternate solution that costs her money may go a long way to tempering this behavior.
First of all, it's not you, it's her, but you knew that.
The task-panic you describe isn't uncommon in dementia, neither is the bullying in order to establish control of others (not limited to dementia -- have seen same in very elderly & wheelchair-bound). Be prepared for other potential behaviors, like becoming completely unglued about seemingly minor incidents (a car dent, a plate broken by someone, etc).
My entirely unscientific theory is that it's
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Daughter doesn't or hasn't seen Mom be out of character; Mom usuallly does this with me.I have a sister who I've never known..seen when I was a Senior for a half hr ...when she came to her best friends or a visit..other than that didn't tell mom i seen her.she's 7 yrs older than i.she always didn't like me cos I was born i guess..idk.. nver knew her..she ran away before she graduated..she didn't lke their rules i guess..they sent her to behavior place..&to boarding school with the Nuns...then she came back to regular school.I pretty much have been alone.Dad passed away&devasted me.lost 5 people that year.I have no idea how to cry or Mourn for that many people.Mom gets upset at me for talking highly of my Dad.so instead of arguing; just waited for her to calm down&realize I did Love my Dad, too. I can't mention Dad.but daughter&sons do talk some of him..she don't scold them.My middle son missed the funeral cos he was in boot camp..and she wouldn't hold off funeral so he could fly in..it has devastated his closure.and he was cremated..&she took his ashes away; cos i came over on father's day to sit with him for a minute..&she was upset over that; &had him buried at cematary.she was jealous becos I wanted to sit near him..he passed away in the house&i was there..mom&i when he passed.I am Catholic&Believe in Spirits.she knows this. Now she has some sort of anger for me saying it was Dad's truck..and it blew me away..when she said it was in her name too.I said yes Mom it is your's &dads truck..tho' dad drove it more.for work&for the camper, etc.Mom drove the car.
so things lke that are red flags to me..and I won't argue over things like that.
i have no idea what to feel over her spontaneity...when she gets upset or obsessed there is no talkjing..it's either this way or else...which does make me sad.
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First thought - Urinary Tract Infection. Sometimes that can make people do wacky things.

Second thought - Maybe Uncle, in a perfectly innocent manner, mentioned to Mom that Medina needs to move those cars as soon as possible. Mom may have taken that as criticism of her mothering skills and went ballistic on Medina.

I do think that somehow or other the visit from her brother has triggered this change of personality. Maybe she got overly tired and that triggered something. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's just grumpy. Don't be afraid of your mother, though, you're an adult. Accept that she's got a problem, and it's not your fault. Help her find the cause and maybe there's a treatment.

Chin up! Deep breath!
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Okay. First of all, don't panic. You're a long way from a diagnosis of AD or any other sort of dementia. And even if God forbid that should turn out to be relevant, there will still be help to support you.

I'm a bit confused though. Because you say that her current behaviour is out of character, but then you describe a very tough and independent-minded lady who kept your father on your toes, and whom you don't seem to have had the confiding, cuddly kind of mother-daughter relationship with. So what is it about her behaviour that you feel is markedly different from how it was before?
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it just brings tears to my eyes knowing she acts this way; &i can do nothing.
thot of calling our Family Dr..as we've had him forever..scary to think it's Alzheimers...or dementia..or that she just wants to act this way is total out of character...I don't know what to say anymore to her......i'm on my knees on this.
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I never could help her. she's independent. tho the bigger things she expects done quick.as she had my Father do..quick&today.when retired he was to go outside after lunch&do things til supper..then he would shower &retire&sleep early.Mom did everything else for the home&paid the bills on time.she is more independent&I could never live with her to help.we are getting things done as suppose to....of course, why she has no cofidence&is rest assured that it is..is the frustrating part; how she got to be the General to tell us now or give us and Ultimatum..is frustrating.
My Daughter knows she isn't thinking correctly; yet, my Daughter has not seen the side that I have either.She trys to set her to saying things once..Yes, we are getting things done&when we work will have to be the wkend.I am sure she knows it's not like Grandma..yet, what can she do to change it..we can't..sometime I may talk to her about it..til then..I can't ..as that may offend her.............i tread or walk softly as I do. With Respect to her..and scared of what is not normally the way things that are done.She does make me feel as tho we can't do things..tho she knows we have to set plans..My son was in Military for 8yrs; and is home now..and will help also.
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Medina, if as you say your mother gets upset when things aren't done 'right' then I really wouldn't do anything behind her back because you'll end up making her completely paranoid.

You say your father passed away in 2008, when your mother was 75, is that right? But this fixating on needing to get jobs done stat! now! right away! is a recent thing, yes? And started shortly after your uncle's visit. I'm not holding your uncle or his wife responsible, of course, but it does seem to have been some sort of turnkey event, would you agree?

You don't have to argue with your mother about anything, or take her to task for the way she's behaving (which I certainly wouldn't recommend anyway); but you do need to investigate this. Have you managed to find a comparatively calm and peaceful moment to say to her gently "mother, something seems to have upset you terribly, because lately you just haven't been yourself. Can you talk to me about it?"

My guess is that her first response would be to blame everything, including her frustration and impatience, on the failure of everyone to help her with the things she needs to get done. Maybe she does feel as if she's surrounded by idiots and help is nowhere to be found and all is lost. But keep digging away. She wasn't always like this at all, was she? Something has changed, and you need to find out what.

What does your daughter think is the matter?
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You need to write fown what she is foing and have a conversation with her doctor either at or before her next appointment. He might send her to a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist forva more sophisticated workup. It sounds as though your mom's anxiety levels are much higher than they've been previously. Some antidepressants are good at tresting this, some folks need antidepressants in combination with antianxiety meds.
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what is the medicine for this?
yes, I won't argue with her..I find it obsessive&I told her theres other things we can chat about 'cos these things will be done.she always know that she can count on me.Dad told me before he passed on to watch over her..I try to do stuff; and usually have to do it when she isn't looking or anything..such as cutting a branch from a tree..etc..any repair work has to be done when she has gone into get her groceries..but, I live closer now..but still have 20mins or so to drive..before it was over an hr; so have moved closer. My daughter gets roped inot the middle by Mom..and my daughter doesn't know everything or heard her talks down to me..so is pretty hard to tell her everything..she's nice to my daughter..to me..she blurts&says right now!and i can't jump to get it done..it will be done ..just not in a unnatural manner. what medicine is for this..??thankyou
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Save those messages, play them for her doctor just before she goes in to see the doctor. It is key that "she is not herself lately".
There is medication for that. Have someone else make sure she takes it.
You are right to be concerned, be careful, but do not be afraid.
When she is being a bully, you are right to walk away. You don't have to go back.
You said you love her, that is good so you don't want to punish her for her illness.
Everyone will agree, take care of yourself first, while sending someone else to help her. It doesn't have to be you. Thanks for sharing on this site. You don't have to be perfect.
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Thank you for helping..anyone!..as i haven't slept..and it's such a worry everytime she leaves a voicemail..and or calls my daughter..she's meaner to me as the daughter..alot is that I can't mention my Dads name.Idon't anymore.haven't in very long time..she gets all into it was her's too..and im like yes Mom it is.and alot of things that are like Wow..and don't know which left field it flew from..so I go outside or walk around come back in see if she has gotten back to herself..becos I won't argue with my mom about anything.ilove her.
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I can only Imagine..as 2 wks before her brother from Ca. &his wife visited for a week.she took care of them cooked &we had a family get together.now this car thing for cleanign her yard&having more room in yards.and we have an extended time to do this..as it does take time..before she would have understood..now it's combativeness that is scary. i geuss are Right.she may not apologize.mayb after all is taken care of...but it's not going to be immediate.
I miss her.and right now she isn't being herself.she will call my daughter&say thngs..&she isn't rude or ordering to her..but daughter does see she is being little too obsessive about this matter.we are helping&that should be a comfort to her..not a ordering thing..I thot.
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You want your mother to apologise for speaking to you harshly about this thing with the cars that's upsetting her? Well, I hope you're not holding your breath. She won't.

Once the cars have been moved and that worry is off her mind, she *might* calm down a bit, reflect on things, recover her temper, and *then* say she's sorry she spoke roughly to you. She might. You never know.

But if this is a change in her behaviour, then I'm afraid that what is more likely is that she will move on to the next bee in her bonnet and start wanting that dealt with yesterday, too.

What could have happened, from the way that you describe her, is that for some perhaps unidentified reason her anxiety level just shot through the roof while nobody was looking - with the result that she's getting things way out of proportion. If it were my mother, that's the question I'd focus on: what has changed either in her mental state or in her circumstances to make her suddenly get like this?
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Mom does live alone..and she is 82..she has not wanted me to live withher since Dad passed on in 2008.she has vehicles that aren't due to be moved yet that she is obseesed with getting it done today.and we have jobs and can't do it til wkends. and it's not like her to be so boisterous or arugmentive and it's scares me as her only daughter to call her..as the last converstation hurt me and i had to not argue or say anything but I had to get back to work. and she hastn' called or apologized since..it's been a few weeks.
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Obsessions and " a specific way of doing any task" or "things can only go here" mentality can be a norm for dementia/alzheimers people.

It will make you crazy...AND it can be worse. Something as simple as a well meaning relative coming over to make lunch and cleaning house can launch into a tantrum of Biblical proportions. (Like: "I do not eat THAT" or "You broke my coffee pot" or "somebody put my spatula in the wrong drawer".)

The "come over here this minute!" and "nobody can do anything right" is common too.

This type of crazy making can happen when a controlling (borderline personality) person gets dementia. The entire family can get whipped into a frenzy, manipulated, etc. Is is about attention? Is it about control? Sometimes yes and yes.

Does she live alone? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Could she have a UTI? Has she been taking medications right? Sounds like she may need more oversight than she is getting? Share with us what is happening and we can at least give you an opportunity to VENT! :) Hang in there!
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Medina, we need more information. How old is your mother and what are her medical issues. Does she live by herself. Is she home alone or employed?

If she has Alzheimer's/dementia, how she is thinking is very normal. In her mind, this is the first time she is thinking about the moving the autos and whatever else is worrying her.... she doesn't realized she had the same conversation maybe an hour ago.
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