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Have a question for a friend that is on a death watch for her mom. Mom is in coma, is only getting a little morphine and has had nothing to eat or drink for 9 days. We know you can live without food but water? We both thought she would be gone by now. She flew up to be with her mom at the drop of a hat due to a phone call from NH thinking she wouldn't even have time to say goodbye or get there in time. Mom is even puzzling hospice. Has anyone else had this happen?

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Pargirl: You're welcome!
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I've said it before and will say it again.....I love and am so thankful that I found this site. Thanks for all the hugs and support and back at you.
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pargirl: I am so sorry for your friend's loss of her mother. I will be praying and sending BIG HUGS ((( ))) your way for your mother's suffering. It has to be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT on you! I was there myself.
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Prayers and thoughts go with u.
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Thanks for all the posts and hugs. My friends mom's funeral is today. She lost her battle after 12 days just on morphine. Now waiting and watching with my mom. She's having trouble eating (on pureed food and not eating much of that). Most of the time in bed sleeping. Non verbal unless jostled. It's been a long journey for her. 12 years, 6 1/2 years in facility because we couldn't control her at home. Hope she goes home soon. No one should live like this. God Bless all of you.
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i'll be there soooon....was soooooo afraid to go thru this with my mother!!! i have a wonderful nurse in hospice...he said he has seen many people die this way...not eating...on morphine...resting peacefully until they died. said it could take up to 2 weeks! i think i might give my mother more morphine...i don't want her to suffer!!!
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pargirl: One more thing I meant to mention and is REALLY crucial is that your friend's mom's "gag reflex" has gone. What that means essentially is that she has lost the ability to swallow. She may be past the point of receiving IV nutritional fluids. Individuals can survive without food, but they cannot survive very long with water/fluids, as you stated. It depends on the person's age how long they can hang on. For my late mother, it was 8-9 days.
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pargirl: It sounds like your friend's LO is past the point of getting a stomach line in (for nutrition) and is on Pallative Care, right? God Lay His Hands on you and her at this difficult time. I went through this same thing with my late mother.
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My thoughts and prayers go out to your riend Pargirl. My father is currently in Hospice care and while he is not in End stage yet, I do believe in my heart he is not far from it. He is becoming more and more non responsive. My mom passed on July 22 last year and it is my belief he may be joining her soon on or about that date. Hospice asked me if there were any significant dates coming up and when I told her yes, she said be prepared. :(
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My mom, who had wasted away to less than 60 lbs, went for 15 days w/o food/water. The last 10 days she no longer responded to anything except to wrinkle her nose when I had to move her to freshen her up. Hospice was just sure that, because she was so thin, she wouldn't last more than 2 days...she fooled them! Her tired, little body finally gave up the fight and she died as I stood there telling her that I loved her and would be okay. There was nothing else to do.
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Thanks for all the posts on here. I just got a text from my friend that her mom just passed. They had all said their goodbyes several times over the last 12 days. It was just an awful waiting game. They came, they went, they went, they came. It was all up to her and her body. Tonight was her time. She is at peace now and so are they. Love to them all.
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Amazing, Mwyatt1214.. Thank you for sharing. My mother was a very private person who believed you should keep all you thoughts to yourself. Did not ever say anything that was not in her eyes "proper". Religious, did not question "authority" . Did not spoil her children with perceived frivolity or express much emotions. She was unable to share her feelings. Maybe she did not want anyone to witness her death. Hugs to all families going the imminent death of a loved one.
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My mom was in hospice end of life care for 10 days before she passed. No water, no food no ivs. We were told that it would actually be harmful as the body is beginning to shut down.

The social worker came to us and said my mom was by all rights ready to go, but that she did not believe everyone who needed to say good bye did. She told me she did not think my father fully understood my mom was dying and my sister flat out said she was not ready to say goodbye. She said it was up to my 15yo granddaughter and I, who had been with my mom day and night for the last 4 days, before that in and out constantly visiting, to say goodbye for them. We did that on the Tuesday even and my mom passed about 5 minutes after my granddaughter and I had left to go pick my dad up for a visit with my mom just before noon on Wednesday.

Tell your friend to make sure everyone who has needed to say good bye has done so. And yes, I have heard as well that they often pass when alone.
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Grandmapen is spot on. Thanks to a book on losing a parent which explained the hearing is the last sense to go and suggests lovingly giving your loved one permission to go, that they have earned this rest, and similar.
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JamesPark, thank you so much for your post. I just spent some time on the site and will be reading for the next several week. My misplaced feelings of guilt have already lifted as I realize that I was so very ignorant on the subject. I am so grateful. And to think that this morning, I hesitated for quite a while posting a one line observation. What a wealth of information. Thank you.
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Yes, two weeks is not an unusual amount of time to live after giving up food and water. Hospice knows how to handle all of the unpleasant aspects, which does not seem too relevant since this patient is already in a terminal coma. Be assured, the end is very near. Here are some more questions and answers about this method of managing the dying process: http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/VDD-Q&A.html
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Sometimes you need to give them permission to go. Telling them you will be alright.
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Give her permission, tell her you will be OK, tell her you will take care of everything and everyone. Name the people who are waiting for her to get there and there will be a big party when she does. I agree, they often will not leave until you step out of the room or go home for the night.
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Please you need to tell her it is ok for her to go. She can rest now. She can truly hear you, i believe this with every fiber of my being. A loved on needs to be told it is ok, that they can rest now. Everyone will be ok. Tell them you love them.
I have had alot of experience with family and close friends in hospice.
All that you have described, is part of the process physically, there is still the emoitional process I believe
You need to tell the loved one its ok to rest, to leave this body and all here will be ok with time.
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Ninon43, yes I have heard that some people prefer to pass when no one is around.

For my Mom I stayed at the nursing home for two full days as Hospice said time was very near. My Mom had also stopped eating and drinking, and I knew it was just a matter of time. Now I found this so fascinating, while channel surfing in the wee hours of the morning I found Mom's favorite movie just starting so I let it play. Within minutes of the movie ending, Mom passed away. Somehow that made it easier for me. The movie was "Smokey & The Bandit".

I told Hospice about the movie, Hospice said it is possible for someone to be in a coma and still hear, thus my Mom waited until the movie was over. Coincidental maybe.
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One more thing, After sitting by my mother's side for 15 days and wondering if she was suffering, I was almost at the breaking point myself as none of my siblings showed up. The nurses suggested that I go home to rest. And my mother passed away in the night. Was my presence holding her back? She looked so peaceful in the morning. Blessings to you all.
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Thanks for all the posts. We know all of the above about the body breaking down and not giving food or water. She and I are both going through the same thing as my mom is a little behind her's in end of life. This will be her moms 11th day. She sat up last night all at once which I've heard and read is really normal. Just got a text from her and her mom has no changes. Family has all told her goodbye and they love her. Guess it's just a horrible waiting game. Thanks again for the posts. It helps.
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Our mom lasted 10 days without food or water, completely baffling doctors and Hospice. After witnessing this phenomena, I am convinced that, at this point, they go when THEY are ready. It was a privilege to be with her and escort her home.
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30 years ago, where we lived, there was no palliative care even though she was hospitalized. And because it took 15 days for my mom to die, I always wondered if I had been given the truth about not giving her food or water, the young doctor had told me that it was kinder and easier on the body to not have food. I a sled why, but he did not explain at the time that the body could not process food. It was my first experience with the imminent death of a loved one. Difficult time for all involved. And yes, do provide moisture for the mouth, somehow.
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Perfect answer Grandma 👍
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My mom passed after 14 days. Hospice gives out literature about what to expect during the final days. May be helpful if your friend reads that. For me it was almost a comfort knowing what to expect. 🙏
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Her body no longer processes food or water. To try to give her any would probably do her more harm than good. As the body shuts down it can not process food so it would just sit in the stomach and not breakdown as it should. Worse she may vomit aspirating particles.
Offer a moistened swab to keep lips and mouth moist.
She is in peace and not in pain.
The best thing your friend can do is just be there hold her hand tell her Mom that she loves her.
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Yes, my mother died after 15 days, almost 30 years ago. I'll will never forget it.
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