My Mom tells me she isn't feeling well but when NH staff ask she says she is fine. Anyone else experienced this and how was it resolved?

I think my mom has a similar problem as cm ' s mom. We have very polite proper mom's and the correct answer to "how are you feeling?" is, "just fine thank you". Gershun, I seem to recall in one of your other posts, you said that your mom doesn't know that she's in a nh? Has she been diagnosed with dementia, and is the staff aware of that? My mom has vascular dementia from a stroke but does not present as having dementia to the casual eye. I took me a couple of go rounds getting the swallow and nursing staff to get the message to all the staff that mom was telling us she was in pain but telling staff she was fine. I had them change her Tylenol from "as needed" to scheduled so that her arthritis and occasional headaches get covered. It's a marathon, Gersun. Talk to the unit manager and the social worker about what you're observing and you'll solve it together.

Personally, without knowing your mom and knowing absolutely nothing about her condition, I'd say she's lying to you . 'Cept I wouldn't really call it lying. I guess I'd call it lookin' for a little sympathy from you.

Get specific with her when she says that. "What hurts?" "Well, what doesn't feel right?" "What do you think the probem is?"

Mom was in a nursing home for 2-1/2 months in rehab -- with many other health issues to go along with recuperating from her broken hip. I personally can't imagine calling the nursing home if mom said, "I'm not feeling right." I'd be asking more questions.

Please!! No offense!! It's just that MY mom is 87 years old. She's never "feeling right." If I had nothing more specific to go on than that? I wouldn't be bothering staff. "Oh, that's too bad . . . I hope you're feeling better tomorrow." This assuming I'd asked questions like, "What hurts?" "What's going on?"

Gershun, I've sat with my mother in the ER and listened to her tell a Triage Nurse that she's "very well, thank you." I think she just has a very odd idea of whose business it is how she's feeling.

It could be, as Maggie says, that she's just (what my father used to call) "wingling" at you, like that sound of generalised discontent that babies put out when there isn't really anything to cry about but they'd like some attention; but on the other hand it could be that she's happy to confide in you but clams up when she's asked by someone she doesn't know very well.

Are you able to get to her NH? Because if possible, seeing as there is something in particular that she's mentioned, you'd want someone to come and examine her while you're physically there to encourage her to she speak up. And ideally, get her favourite member of staff there too, so that next time that person knows how best to get answers out of her in front of the doctor. Best of luck, and hope there isn't anything to worry about.

Maggie I guess I should of been more specific. I did ask my Mom what was wrong and she said that her throat hurt and that she had told the staff and they were going to get her a pill. I realize that elderly people have vague complaints sometimes and everything probably hurts but my mom is the type who never complains and it is out of character for her to mention anything. Usually when I ask her how she is she says she is fine. In fact if she had been more of a complaining person to begin with she wouldn't be in a nursing home to begin with but she had neglected herself so much that she nearly died at home.

Gershun; I hope that you don't take the criticism too harshly, it certainly isn't meant that way! Your Mom is so very luck to have you on her side!

Hey C M. I've met this doctor briefly. The time I mentioned earlier and then again when we were first looking for a nursing home. I know that he has told me that Mom is a very respected patient of his cause of her strength and how she has withstood so much in her life. I have been unimpressed with the fact that certain doctors have treated my mom like an infant instead of the intelligent, strong woman that she is and this particular doctor does not do that. I do believe he is on her side but I have also felt at times that he may have that "God complex" that a lot of doctors have as well. Not open to my opinion maybe? I don't know. Its hard to know what to do. I don't want to step on anyones toes.

It is extraordinarily difficult, Gershun, I agree. So many fine diplomatic lines to tread. The thing is, even if you adapt a strictly assertive, patient approach - the sort of broken record technique one is advised to adopt with stroppy teenagers - and keep on firmly and calmly asking your questions until you get satisfactory answers, there are still some doctors who can go off in a huff about it and then where are you? Shut out of discussion, is where.

I don't know if this might work for you, but doctors in the family, when speaking to doctors treating family members, tend to say something like "I wonder if you think such-and-such might be worth considering." Translation: oi, fathead, why haven't you tested for xxx? - only of course they wouldn't ever be anything but courteous.

Again, the thing is, no doctor should EVER take offence at being asked questions by a relative. And yet, and yet, we all know some who do, all the same, don't we?

But how is your mother doing? If she's still complaining (I mean in the clinical sense, not in the whiney sense) of a sore throat, then the only thing to do is speak to the doctor, on the phone or in person, and tell him how concerned you are that his respected patient (and I agree it is a good sign when they treat the person, rather than the dear little old lady) still seems to be in discomfort. I hope she's soon feeling better.

Gershun, something else occurs to me. There seems to be a subset of older doctors who say things like "nice people don't get dementia and your parents are nice people"(from my uncle's doc, believe me, he had dementia). And my mother's doc, who didn't get to see her after her stroke, but assured me that she didn't have vascular dementia, she was just stressed out. I think it's a self protective thing.

I've talked to my Mom since and she can't recall telling me she had a sore throat.As some of you have said I do believe she had a sore throat when she told me this but.....well you know.

I've been struggling with the fact that I have siblings who see me as a person who needs to distance myself from my mom in order to protect my heart for when she dies. But at the same time they rarely go to see her or get involved when problems arise.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if I had some support from them maybe I wouldn't get so alarmed when my mom says she is feeling bad but since I feel like I'm responsible for her it falls on my shoulders to make sure she is well. (not that I'm complaining) I adore my mom and that would never change whether I had one or fifty people helping me.

I will continue to monitor my mom's complaints and see if there is a pattern of any kind and will phone her doctor this week and ask him to look into this. Someone on this forum had mentioned (I think it was you ba8alou) that you had gotten them to change your Mom's pain medication to an as needed basis. I will try to do the same.

You guys are all so great!! Thx for all your advice.

Gershun, just to be clear, my mom's pain meds (tylenol) had been written as to be given only when she requested them. Since she always tells staff she's not in pain, I had them start giving them to her on a schedule, every 8 hours. My mom has arthritis, compression fractures and residual pain from hip fracture. She has difficulty asking, so why not just cover what pain might be there? Hope this clarifies.