My Mom tells me she isn't feeling well but when NH staff ask she says she is fine. Anyone else experienced this and how was it resolved? - AgingCare.com

My Mom tells me she isn't feeling well but when NH staff ask she says she is fine. Anyone else experienced this and how was it resolved?

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For instance today I phoned her and she said she wasn't feeling right so I phoned the nursing home to check on her and they phoned me back and said that when they asked her she said she was fine. This seems to happen fairly often. Is she lying to me or is she lying to them. What do you think?

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Keaton how right you are!! We nearly lost my Mom in November and all my siblings came running. One of my sisters in particular said "Oh we should all feel so guilty, except you. Blah, blah, blah" Now my mom is stabilized and they all scattered to the wind.

I visit her at the nursing home once a week, more if she needs something they can't give her and phone every day and I still feel guilty sometimes. I imagine if their conscience was really bothering them they would try to do more.
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I never know if mom actually feels "well" or not. She can hop out of bed one morning, fully cooperate, take her pills, drink her coffee, cooperate with dressing. The next two days, she may want to sleep till nearly noon (no meds given the night before to account for that), and once up refuse to even drink a sip of water let alone take her pills or eat a decent lunch for me for maybe the next two days. I ask her if she hurts anywhere, is dizzy, nauseated, can't swallow, you name it and I get "I don't know." Very depressing some days. Today started out bad and now we're up and running and waiting for the PT girl to come, not that mom wants to exercise. She may hear voices all day long some days telling her we're gonna be arrested, that we're gonna be killed, you name it. The next day or evening may be calm. All I know is I'm relieved if I can get her to drink something at least. Is she lying? No, but sometimes I think there's a tiny element of playing me. When I can sit with her when not working my 5-night shift in the back room, she will be mostly fine the whole evening, little jabbering or worrying. I can leave her in the front room for 15 minutes alone and she may or may not get angry with "those 3 guys in the front yard" or the police, etc. A party every day.
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And Gershun, as far as visiting too much--or being too attached--you will not regret that you did that.
What you would regret, and most likely your siblings will go through this, is the fact you could not share more time with her. People who don't or can't visit go through much more torment when their loved one passes away.
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Pain is subjective. Your mother feels more comfortable telling you how she really feels. Yes, she is not feeling well--psychologically or physically--but she is not feeling well. She probably just wants to see you. I know my mother sometimes would tell the nurses that she was fine because she didn't want any more handling from them. When I was there I could get them to slow down and be a little more sensitive. Good luck and love!
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Yes, I think it is a politeness issue, too. I've had Mom moving slowly and groaning in pain (her back-degenerative arthritis), but when I take her to the pain treatment doctor and they ask her how bad it is on a scale of 1-10, she will say 'oh, maybe a 4'. (!!!!???!). Very frustrating! In her defense, on their 1-10 chart, the high number symptoms include pain so bad that she has used illegal drugs to control it. My mom wouldn't do that if she was rolling on the floor in agony, so she won't give them one of the high numbers.
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I'm pretty sure she is not telling staff the true feelings. I notice that in my husband, and he will tell me what is really going on, however, family members are subject to the sympathy card loved ones can give. Try asking her how she is in front of staff and see what her reaction is. If she has just told you she wasn't feeling well, and then tells staff she is "fine", what does that tell you? You know your mother better than we do. Stay calm, it is a common event.
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Gershun, the one that set my teeth on edge not long ago was that they "had to redecorate the spare bedroom." Which in my mind became:

"… you would *literally* rather watch paint dry than come and have lunch with your mother..?"
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Yes it would make for interesting reading wouldn't it? NOT!!!!!
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"Too busy" is such a stretchy term, isn't it, Gershun. Too busy doing what? That's actually a serious question, one I'd quite like answered with a list. As in, what are the activities that take up your time, hour by hour, day by day, and take precedence over your mother's very natural wish to see her kids every so often?
Please state in order of priority, showing hours required.

It'd make fascinating reading, I believe. But not for our mothers.
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Amen to that, Gershun.
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