Mom not enjoying Assisted Living, wants OUT. Any thoughts?

If she can afford to live in the house who are you to deny her that? Make a condition that she must hire aids to assist her in her home...it is her home is it not? You are making this all about you...sell your house and move. Have they gone to court and taken her rights away? If not, she needs to be advised of her rights.

It pains me to see lonely souls (& I was one too) who are the ONLY people on earth doing anything for their parents, & the elderly in general. We need more resources for elder care; this is untenable.
That being said: you must take charge of your life, NOT play martyr& tell Mom this is how it’s going to be: here’s what I can do and the rest will have to be procured from available resources. Good luck: I was in your shoes. Remember you have a right to put your life first- you must, if you’re providing difficult support!

You are in a very difficult situation. I don't know anyone living in a senior home that wants to be there no matter how nice it is. They want to be home and they want their families to take care of them. If an inexperienced rescuer tries to save a drowning person, they can easily be pulled down by the drowning person and they both die. So it is with being a caretaker. The senior is so fearful and confused and usually cannot hear anything their children or spouse has to say that runs contrary to what the senior desires. You probably won't be able to logic it out with the senior. It is an exercise in futility telling the senior how their behavior has hurt you. It might be good for you to get out the hurt and frustration but it probably won't do anything to inspire the senior to stop wanting to go back to their home. It's sad.

It's good that you are seeing a therapist, you need the support. You have done your best for your Mom. Now, you need to do what you need to do to "save" yourself.

G-d bless you.

You must take care of yourself. I have been going to counseling for years and that's the very first thing she taught me. My dad is 93 and just moved to AL 3 months ago. He lived on his own with the help of caregivers 6 hours per day. For a long time, we knew that his house was not the best environment. Dark, dreary and I was getting tired of all the calls to me about how lonely he was. Come September, he needed a hospitalization and the doctors said he could no longer live on his own. I had done my shopping for AL and had one picked out. He has been making friends, gets 3 great meals per day, has access to 24 hour nursing care and participates in activities but every time I see him, he still wants to go back to his house. I am his guardian/conservator and as long as I am in the picture, I will not allow it. He may call his attorney and if he does, so be it. Take care of yourself first. And counseling DOES help, if only for someone who will listen. As everyone has gotten tired of my 'dad' stories, she is always an ear there for me.

Are you the POA? Then BE that POA. Rent or sell her home. She needs to be close to medical care. Find your local Alzheimer Association support team and support group-- ask them to come along side and go visit your Mom. What does her doctor say ? What do the charge nurses of her facility say? Assemble your troops, Captain, and defeat the lies that are attacking you and your mother.
When my mother was semi-able to think halfway straight-- she was alittle upset in the beginning, but came to love her new home and took part in the activities and entertainment. Use all the ammunition you have to keep her in there. In the beginning my mom thought she was in a hotel.... and thought she would go home. Then she had to be put in the assisted living next door because she wandered twice in the winter in knee deep snow no less. By that time she was in decline and was more open to our lead. Tell her you love her and do what is necessary. And forget about fancy places unless you want to run out of funds early.

Upstream -

The sooner you prepare her home for sale to pay for the dog-view-apartment the better. Property taxes are probably due in the spring.

Motivated sellers put houses on the market at the end of March/early April. Hire an estate liquidator to clean out the house. Clean empty houses show best. Hire a professional realtor who knows the neighborhood. Ask for references.

I would not rent out the house because you are going to be the one managing the property and acting like the landlord and that's a lot of work and headache.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase and that's going to cost money. Sell the house and put the proceeds into an investment vehicle for her. Talk to your financial advisor about her options.

How will you pay for the therapist? Is it covered?

Ihope she didnt sign over her financials to the facility. Biggest mistake people make in the 11th hour

So happy to hear that, at least for 1 day, your mother seems to be turning a corner. Not having access to alcohol will make a difference an I hope that she is not able to manipulate anyone into buying some for her. I am assuming that the AL manages her medications, so that she isn't able to overdose or manipulate that. She may come around; she may not. That is her choice. You have her clean, safe, around people who can assist her, getting meals on time, and with access to others and to activities. Whether to join in or not is her choice.

May I suggest that you meet with an administrator or supervisor on a regular basis? Once a month a first would work. Schedule an appointment and bring up any situations your mother mentions, so that you get the facility's take on it. They have seen it all and handled it all and may have suggestions for you. Ask how often she joins activities - from someone reading the newspaper to them in the recreation area, to chair exercises, to craft classes, to special events such as musicians who come to entertain.

To outsiders who seemed sympathetic my MIL would have sounded like the loneliest person on earth who just sat in her room all day with no family to visit, no mail, no phone calls. She had been tossed aside to rot.

The AL people would tell you that she played piano in the recreation room, received mail several times a week, had a son and DIL who visited at least twice a week and always brought her something - cookies, photos, clothing - and took her out to eat at least once a week.

Mom can demand to go home all she wants. You do not have to meet those demands. Do you have durable Power of Attorney and access to her accounts? Whether you do, or do not, speak with an eldercare attorney to be sure that you are in control of funds, or find out what you need to do. It will give you more peace of mind that mom won't do anything crazy financially.

Regarding the phone calls, I finally had to start turning off the ringer in the evening and not answer. I would wait to listen to voicemails the next day. Even those were stressing me out too much so I just stopped listening to them. I figured if the situation was bad enough the facility would call me. That made a big change for the better.

The only way for your mother to come home would be to have 24/7 hired help. (Not you!) If she can afford that, it is an option.

Leave her there. Whether her mental state is caused from dementia OR drinking/pills OR Alzheimers or whatever, she is still mentally ill. She can't take care of herself and you are burned out. So you can't allow a mentally ill person to take charge of YOUR life when they can't even take care of themselves. After all, she's already in the facility and we on this forum usually see the ones who are trying to get their relative into one so you are already there. You are just second-guessing your own judgment & decision making because you are tired. I agree with most others that you need to go to an ELDER LAW attorney. Not just an attorney. They are experienced in this sort of thing. It will probably cost around $300.00 for an hour consultation. Then you'll know what you are to do. Since she's self-pay, the elder law attorney will explain what happens about the house and the "spend down" to Medicaid because unless she is very wealthy, that money will run like a river at the $6,000 rate plus other necessities that you have to buy and the upkeep of her house unless you sell it. When you do, you have to put the proceeds in an account and spend it on her needs because Medicaid audits to check for "gifting". So go see that attorney and let that be your first step. When the parent gets like she is, she is not taking you into consideration AT ALL. They are just hanging onto you and will take you down all the while blaming you for everything negative they don't like. She doesn't want to be happy at this point. She's bitter. Save Yourself. Most of us have been on here for several years and have experienced the role you are playing and we are "seasoned veterans" so to speak. Most of us have been to the doctor due to stress related issues dealing with parents whose minds aren't good and some who are just downright mean. Get help and move on. Visit but don't argue. If she wants to blast at you when you visit, get up and tell her you can't stay if she wants to argue and LEAVE and find something calming to do. That is all you can do. Best of luck to you and I wish you well.

My wife and I have had a similar scenario with my sister in law. She was totally adverse to assisted living. Circumstances precluded any alternative. Family did the transfer against sister in law agreement. Not surprisingly, she quickly made some new friends and became comfortable with her new home. Good luck, perhaps YOU'LL soon feel much better.

she needs a friend there; is there someone who enjoys same
activities as her? notify staff so they can spend some qualified
time with her when u are not there

I am also an only child and had mom with me through her life with me (she passed 2 months ago). I am proud and happy that it was so. I am South American and we are not used to DUMP our parents in nursing home. If you have $6000 a month for a place for your mom, you certainly have the money for an assistant or two to take care of her daily, PLUS if you live next door, visit her daily, that is what children SHOULD DO (not in north america) do you know if she was troubled taking care of you? Changing your diapers? Taking you out and feeding you? Or did she just dump you in a day care when you were too much? Please keep her at her home, find someone to be with her, be with her, take her out, with or without a wheelchair. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER!!!! My mom had alzheimers for 6 years and also on a wheelchair. I had parties for her on her birthdays in restaurants and always took her out on outings with me. But its your decision, you did the same with your dad!!

You absolutely can not ruin your health by attempting to care for your mom at home! You cannot watch her 24-7 to prevent the sneaking to drink. As $6000 being more than enough to keep her at home - obviously that person has never attempted to hire help. For one year I paid over $6000 a month for part-time sitters. This did not include the cost of food, personal items, doing laundry and a myriad other things needed. The stress was unbearable and I eventually had to take early retirement in an effort to take care of her without killing myself. Assisted living was the answer to a prayer - and of course she hated it! She no longer had me at her beck and call and couldn't berate me for using the "wrong skillet" to prepare her eggs or criticize my meal preparation. Please don't listen to the guilt trips - save yourself. She will adjust when she realizes that she has no choice and will likely make friends with other residents.

DO NOT OVER RIDE THE DR'S recommendation. Re-read your post, your mom needs a lot of help and has a lot of issues that you cannot fix. Put her in a place where she is safe and has all her needs met. Stay away for a week or two so she can get somewhat adjusted. All seniors want to go home and think they can do everything , but the reality is they can't. My husband can barely walk, falls quite often, can't lift his legs or feet more than 2 inches off the ground, but is demanding I take him to the GMC dealer to get himself a big new truck (they revoked his license due to his LBD, & our insurance dropped his coverage on any vehicle), but yet, if I won't take him, he will walk to the dealer (sometimes I open the front door and say "go". They can no longer make their own decisions.

You summed it up when you stated: "but his cognitive situation overrode his ability to make his own decisions."

Your mother is now in the same situation. She is unsafe to live anywhere except someplace that is safe for a person in a wheelchair and where she has 24/7 assistance.

I put my mother-in-law in Assisted Living in October. She had been living in our house for over 5 years. Falls were becoming more frequent and she was spending too much time alone. She was NOT happy to move out even though the place is cute and decorated and AWESOME! Now, about 3 months later, she likes it -- although would not want me to know it. But she tells others that she is happy. It took her about a month to get out of her room. Just give it time. Take care of yourself - you have done the right thing!

gosh, can we have coffee? You sound like me, my mother hates her new memory care facility, this is my 4th time moving my mother as she keeps getting kicked out of AL, now no AL will take her as she has been flagged. so she is in a lock down memory care facility and she HATES IT, and she sure lets me know every time we talk or see each other. I had to set healthy boundaries, I only go see her once a week, and if she "needs anything at the store I go once a month ad she is really been ok with all this, I have a lot of guilt over this last move, I was desperate for someone to take her as she is a cash payer on a spend down as we are in Probate spend down right now ( mom is going to get on Medicaid so her rent is cheaper) as I lost my father in May of this year. I am my mothers legal POA representative i did this with an elder care lawyer, she has been very helpful. any ways, its so good to read that I am not alone, I have been caring for my father mother since 2007. I needed a break. Thanks for listening, I think getting the power of attorney for your mom is going to help you. that way what you says go's. no matter what. My moms health is so much better now then it was because she is not in charge of her meds or insulin, they do all of that. She hates the food too and she hates the residents, but she really loves the staff. Its been so hard to do all the things I have done for my mother, I am trying to be the best daughter I can be, I am an only child too. good luck!

Mom stays where she is. This transition period is just that, a transition. And guess what, she's not enjoying the transition. And her husband just died. And she's not in her house. She's angry and frightened and uncomfortable. Nothing you do right now can change that. Just time.
However, right now you have to change your attitude. Your parents have not ruined your life. Never repeat that phrase again, ever. They just got old, that's all. It's no one's fault. It's the natural progression of life.
You are a great daughter. You got the VIP AL and have been taking care of everything.
Decide to visit your mom regularly, maybe once a week. On those visits, do something nice or fun. If she's mobile, go out to lunch. If not, find an activity at the AL.
You can stop feeling guilty right now. You followed doctor's orders and that's what you can tell her.
No, she can't move back home, but you can bring items to her apartment.
Going to see a therapist pronto is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Focus on yourself, your mom is getting the VIP treatment and she is just fine.

The doctor said she wasn’t safe in her previous home. She has some cognitive decline so don’t expect her to think rationally. It’s pretty common for a parent to complain about their ALF to family or close friends. Not necessarily because there is a problem but because it gets attention. You made the right decision for her.

First, a reality check. Does mom have enough money to go back to her own home with 24-hour companionship/care? If so, help her find an agency and send her on home.
Your mother can't control you unless you let her. Stop enabling. It sounds impossible, I know, but give yourself a stern talking-to. Decide how much of your time you are willing to devote to her wants and needs and stick to it. DO NOT let her plans include you as a hands-on, on-demand, caregiver. Be very firm that you are unavailable. Tell some therapeutic lies if you have to. "My job has changed and I won't be available" or "I will likely have to start traveling more."

She has the "right" to do whatever she wants, however she cannot dictate what you must do for her. As she talks about her plans, keep reminder her of that. Good luck.

You may need to remind her that her doctors will not let her be at home alone. Also remind her that they would only release her to a residential facility and she needed to go there directly via medical transport. It was, and is, a medical necessity. She appears to have problems with depression, balance, and substance misuse. Of course, she is not happy about "having others manage her life" but she needs a place that makes sure she is safe and can be healthy. Unfortunately, being home alone will not be an option. Don't let her manipulate you; stick with facts from the medical authorities.

A year before I ultimately moved in with my mom in the family home (I was widowed/divorced at 59 1/2), mom had broken her hip, had surgery, and had to go into a rehab joint for about 2 months. Two of us daughters, working and raising kids, stopped in daily for an hour or two (while at her house bringing in mail, writing checks for utilities, etc, caring for her animals - including staying there as often as possible, for the animals). I have to tell you guys, I found the rehab place REALLY depressing. After I'd moved back home, mom's second broken hip, she 'got' to come back to her home since I was there. My eyes are now WIDE open, so at least I'm preparing emotionally and spiritually that AL and/or some form of institutional setting WILL be in my (single/no kids) future.

Just remember if you don't take care of yourself first you can't take care of anyone. This is the bottom line.

No, absolutely NOT a good idea for her to live with you. How on earth could it even work with you working 6 to 7 days a week? You need to take care of you, else there may be no you.

No way! She is lucky to have you be so good to her. She is not going to like anything or anyplace to live because she is nuts. Leave her there and maybe she will get used to it. Stay away for awhile so she can't complain to you. You have made excellent arrangements for her. You have done the best for her.

Sorry you are going through this. The Hospital Directors were clear that she is no longer safe to live at home. You made the right decision and your Mother is manipulating you and making unreasonable demands. Do not feel guilty as you have done what is best for her and her safety....and yours. Let a Doctor or one of the Hospital Directors play the bad guy. You.....Live your life. Good luck to you.

You've been on this site long enough to know that we get the kooks who insist we all follow their rules about caring for our parents! Don't let their stupid comments feed into the crap your mother gives you too! No guilt. Sometimes I wonder what color the sky is where they live! Clearly it is all rosy. They only see things through their own eyes and judge everyone else based on their own experience. Dealing with ANY LO, whether they have dementia, medical issues, substance abuse, depression, whatever, is unique to each person's situation and capabilities. Several of those negative posts are about dementia, so they haven't even read what the issue is, they just ASSUME and throw all kinds of guilt around!

You have done all that you can and then some. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water... In your case, it is more like a donkey and the donkey refuses to even go along or drink water!!!

As for ensuring mom stays put, and to put the kibosh on her blaming you, have something in writing from the doctor, so you can say the decision is out of your hands. I would also seek legal consult to see if it would be possible to get guardianship (her assets should cover this, not yours.) Not that you need more work, but sometimes just having POAs is not enough. Both our attorney and the staff in mom's MC indicate that even those with dementia still have "rights!" She does not have dementia (to the best we know!) and so technically she *could* demand/try to get out and return home. If you could get guardianship, it would override what she wants. If legal advise against it, so be it, but given her self-destructive nature, it might be possible to have more control than with POAs*(from reading some posts Babs75 has made, guardianship doesn't necessarily end up being 100% oversight, but it might be better if it was - but, still blame the docs!)

*Although you have POA, you would still have to get mom's signature on paperwork to sell the house. Our mother has dementia, and although I could use my POA to sign all the other documents related to the sale of her condo, her attorney told me she *MUST* sign the deed with notary. Thankfully they have a notary in her facility AND she told me when asked that she only had to witness the signing, not confirm mom knew what it was! I passed it off as some kind of insurance or something. We really needed to sell it. It took over a year and a half to get it cleaned out and fixed up (heating system died, windows were going foggy from blown seals, and taxes/condo fees in addition to utilities were sucking down too much money - oh yeah, we had to find alternate insurance as normal homeowner's does not cover unoccupied houses!) In all that time, it cost about 14k to cover the expenses/repairs!!!