Follow
Share

I am beyond frustrated. My mother has cancer but not terminal. We just found out she has congestive heart failure. She insists she doesn't want to die but refuses to eat or drink the way the dr says. In fact she will not get out of bed or eat when she is home and that sends her right back to the hospital where they wait on her hand and foot and don't make her lift a finger. I swear she does it just to get waited on because I won't do that. I have become her servant not her daughter. I am so frustrated and angry. I can't function from all the stress. She can't afford full time care and I can't see paying someone to sit and watch her sleep 23 hours of the day. I never expected this when mom said she wanted to come live with us... she just shut herself up in her room and doesn't want to socialize or be with us. She just wants to be waited on. I work full time and am a single mom with a 17 year old who is disabled and a 10 year old. She keeps saying how sorry she is to make such a mess but then doesn't do anything she could do to prevent the messes. She refuses to go to the bathroom even though when she is in the hospital or rehab, she goes... She won't eat at home or drink but in the hospital she will. She gets weak and sick and gets infections from not showering. She goes in, gets strong and comes right back home and gets in the bed. I have asked her directly what she wants and she says to be left alone. If I leave her alone she will starve to death. It is just horrible that she expects me to let her die... my children see this and it is just awful. The worst part is that I resent my mom... I am furious at the whole situation and that makes me feel like an awful person. Am I alone?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Hoping you are getting the help you need ProverbsLady.
Is that Proverbs 31?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think the mentions of early dementia along with her diagnosis of chf and cancer, right or wrong, serious or not, should have you motivated to get her poa & advance directive done ASAP. If she has no money, then you need to look into Medicare. If she has *some* money, I'd have her evaluated for nursing or asst living home right now. It's much easier to get her in to a NH that requires a year or two private pay before taking Medicare. 

You are not her slave yet she is treating you that way. It's time to regain your role as daughter and have contact with her that is loving, not business. You will still be taking care of her, just not with dirtied hands. It is the dream of parents to have their children grow up to have great lives with their own children, not to become domestic slaves. Mom needs a new realm for her queenship, and she either pays for it with her money or by public assistance. Your money takes care of your children. 
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like she has many of the symptoms of a condition called Failure To Thrive in Adults. I'm PMing you a link about it. I might ask her doctor about it. With all her symptoms, I'd be shocked if a doctor said, she's perfectly fine. Whether it's depression or some other mental health issue, something sounds off. I'd insist on some answers.  You can't just look at someone's appearance and conclude that they are fine.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Our comments about how your mother must be feeling were based on your statement that she had just been diagnosed with congestive hart failure. This is normally confirmed by an echocardiogram. I'm puzzled as to what wrong information could have led to your being misinformed by the doctor; but you can hardly blame readers for the misconstruction.

You are angry and frustrated, and it's made worse by feeling bad about resenting your mother, even though resentment in your circumstances is an understandable reaction.

This situation is bad for you, bad for your mother - she gets better when she's in hospital or rehab, yes? - and most of all, and worst of all, bad for your children. So, where would you like to go from here? What changes would you like to make?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You are not your mother!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

People who want to die can go to hospice. If you want the no sympathy answer, she has no right to expose your children to this process, and neither do you, imo. , it is beyond their years of understanding.

Thanks for trying to explain further, your sadness, frustrations, anger, depression, confusion, and being alone in this. Your focus was on Mom. Reading, 24 hours ago, you had just found out that she has been diagnosed with CHF. Just now, she does not have CHF and the doctor gave you some wrong information! Don't you just hate it when there is misinformation?  What are you doing, holding your breath for more 'information' ?
 No wonder you are confused, angry, frustrated, depressed,  and everything else. It is hard to rely on others if there is misinformation! And this from the doctor. Makes one wonder if your mother has a part in the misinformation? Maybe she has just prevented him from telling you all. The cancer, you say, is not terminal?

So, back to you, and your feelings. You may not realize it yet, but you just had a breakthrough, not a breakdown. Being able to explain where you are at, how you feel, how it affects you is a breakthrough! So good for you! You need compassion, and now you feel worse, you say.  I feel we may have let you down.
However, looking at it another way, one often feels worse after sharing what you did.

A therapist will explain the process to you if you feel the need to see someone. In the meantime, allow us to get to know you a little better by continuing on with your topic, right here. So many are reading, not posting, or not yet posting. So you are not alone. You feel alone, but you are not.
Others will have much more compassion and understanding. When I finished reading your first post, I was wondering why you just don't lock her out of her room once she goes to the bathroom, not allowing her back in bed until she has showered, sat at the family table to eat, or something tough like that....I am so mean!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you all for your comments. I guess I should have been a little more in depth. I have spent the last year having her checked for every possible dementia and mental issue. The sad part is that they are all negative. She definitely has mental health issues and probably always did but she never was treated. She does have some depression and of course she has been through a lot. I guess if you saw her you would be able to understand better. She looks early 70's. She is charming and sharp as a tack. She knows exactly what is going on and she admits that she is just not willing to exert herself at all and is not bothered by repeated trips to hospital. She vehemently denies any wish to end her life but her refusal to eat and drink is perplexing and scary. In my area, the caregiver is under a microscope and even though I make every effort to encourage eating drinking and sitting up she refuses. She has not gotten tired from her health per se... she has amazing test results... she has shrunk her stomach by not eating and she is always tired because she does absolutely nothing in the way of exercise or even sitting up. I was not at all exaggerating when I said she is in bed 23 hours a day... she really only gets up 2 times a day to change depends and then lays right back down. The drs have done all tests and physically she is in excellent shape. We also just learned that she does not have CHF but rather the dr gave me the information based on some wrong information. It has been a frustrating year for her I am sure. I guess I was coming to this forum for some compassion of how I am feeling but sadly it feels as though many are saying that I should be nicer or be more patient.... I now feel even worse. I have no one to talk to and no one to share my frustration with and I was just looking for someone to say that I am not the bad person I already feel so guilty of being. I didn't and I am even more depressed. I guess it is very hard for anyone to really know what a person is going through based on a few words. No one knows me or the kind of person I am or any of the other aspects of my life, so I guess the responses I am getting are based on that. My mother and I never really got along and it was very difficult growing up with her. She was very controlling then and it continues on now. I am 100% positive that most of what is happening is her choice rather than the illnesses taking their toll. If she had followed the drs advice she would be in a much different place. I am sad, frustrated, angry, depressed, confused and very much alone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If she is like many seniors, if you tell her you are going to have to send her to NH, she may start to improve.. but you have to mean it. My MIL loved rehab the first time, didnt want to go home. Now she is in AL, and talks about going home,, but it;s more like "when I go home".. not when am I going home, It passes quickly.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think it can be very hard to empathise with just how *tired* a person can be when she's coping with your mother's conditions. Mentally and physically, just bone tired.

And the other thing is, even suppose there were something visibly wrong that anyone could empathise with, that wouldn't change the fact that with a full time job plus existing family commitment, it isn't an excuse to say that you simply haven't time to run round after your mother in the way that she would like, not to mention that the lack of any stimulation at all wouldn't be too good for her.

So, really and truly you can't do it all. It won't work, and it isn't fair, not to anyone. What are your options for getting help?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with others who have pointed out that there could be something going on mentally that you are not aware of. She could be suffering with depression or it could be cognitive decline.

I learned that when my LO was demonstrating odd behavior, I was wrong about why she was doing it. She would lay in bed, even though she could get up, and use diapers. Her foot was hurt, but she was still able to get up and use a bedside toilet, but she refused. She would lie in bed all day and all night. She hardly ate and refused physical therapy and baths. I discussed it with health care providers who thought that she was lazy and spoiled (She was a little spoiled.) But, they never warned me that it was early dementia. Eventually, it got much worse and now she has Severe Dementia. I would have shown more compassion had I known that it was brain damage causing her to behave that way.

So, I'd figure out what's going on without much blame, because it could be something that she can't help. In that case, we have to love and support, no matter how frustrating the behavior.

If your mom is mentally competent, then, I would allow her to make her own decisions about her medical treatment, diet and care. If it's too overwhelming to handle, then, I'd have her find alternate care and housing, like a LTC facility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you Mom is ignoring what the doctors are asking her to do, but enjoys being in the hospital and being rehab, then she loves that attention from the dozens of people who work there.   The is soaking that all in.

Of course you can't give her 24 hours of attention when she is back at home as you are one person, not dozens.   And it sounds like she is pretending that she is dying to get everyone's attention at home.  Next time she does this, ask her what color casket would she like, and what songs to sings at her funeral.  I know this may sound cruel to some, but it could make Mom to sit and take notice of how she is acting.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Lack of initiative could be an early sign of dementia brought about by her CHF or chemo, or it could be a sign of clinical depression. Have you spoken with her doctors about your concerns?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It sounds like your mom would be qualified medically for a nursing home. Then you could visit her as a loving daughter instead of resenting her as a burden. They will wait on her as much as needs in a nursing home, and they will also encourage her to do what she can for herself.

Have you considered this as an option?

You say she sleeps 23 hours a day. I assume that is an exaggeration, but if she really sleeps more than 20 hours a day consider calling for an evaluation for hospice.

Cancer and CHF must be an appalling combination to live with. Poor mother. I hope you can come up with a solution that will be an improvement for both of you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter