After 2 years, my Mom (88) has not adjusted to assisted living facility but my Dad (95) has adjusted ok. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

After 2 years, my Mom (88) has not adjusted to assisted living facility but my Dad (95) has adjusted ok. Any advice?

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My mother tells people I "put her there to die." She's on medication for anxiety, and depression. She wants to live with me, but her (as well as my dad's) nasty comments, criticisms and bad behavior over the years has made me reconsider ever moving them in my house. The facility she is in is nice, they have activities, she does participate. She has a few friends there (some she has known for years), yet she still will not adjust, constantly complains and wants to move. I've taken her to several other facilities to tour...she doesn't like any of them. She's talked to her doctor. The doctor told her she is in the best place. I've explained to her that it is not possible for her to live with me... I have 2 young children, a husband, a job. I'm an only child and no other living relatives to help.

I've done everything to help her adjust. She's with her husband of 50+ years, has a pet, her personal items, I take her shopping once a week (she refuses to use the facility's transportation). Yet she still says I've put her there to die. I've been patient with her, tried to be understanding, but I don't get why she can't get use to where she is living. Part of me thinks she trying to "guilt" me into moving her in with me. But maybe it's something else wrong with her.

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I recently put my Mom and Dad in an assisted living facility near me in Florida. They left thier home of 58 years in Massachusetts. My Mom needs a lot of assistance due to her having MDS. My Dad is very unhappy and will not take part in any activities and is now saying that come the summer he is going to move all his belongings into storage and go back to his home in MA. Then after the summer he is going to come back to FL and move back into the assisted living facility. I told him that this was not plausible and that we need to go back and sell the house in the spring. I am so upset that he is so unhappy. I do not know what to do.
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Talk to care team and see what their take is. It may be that she is pleasant and generally happy in front of others but just "giving you the business and guilt trip". My friend just went thru that for 3 yrs with his mom (she recently passed). She was in a lovely residence (AL) but complained to him all the time. The care team had him observe from afar and he could see how pleasant mom was to staff and most other residents. He knew this was the best fit for her --but it didn't stop her from pulling on his heart strings and from her longing to go home.

Pretty big age spread between mom and dad so imagine she is longing for how their life used to be and she is avoiding or not wanting to face how things are now and what the future holds.

Do as you are doing but don't feel guilty or assume responsibility for moms happiness. Life changes and she will have to learn to accept what is.
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My mother has been on anti-depressants for years. She has changed psychiatrists recently and has had her meds adjusted over the years. I have aids, nurses and social workers tell me that my mom is depressed. I know that. I have been getting her the mental health care as well as medical care.
Unfortunately, deal with a narcissistic mother is difficult in the best of situations. From my experience, it would not matter where you put your mom, even if she lived with you, she would not be happy. If your mother is like mine, she will never admit (to you) that you have done a good job or made the right choice. If you're lucky, you will hear it second hand from someone else.
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She could use some anti-depressants, no matter where she is.
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Here is my idea - perhaps you are doing too much. Make yourself unavailable and set boundaries. My mom will be 95, next month and my MIL is 91. Both are in facilities. I had to learn not to micro manage their lives and 2nd guess the nursing homes. Good luck. Stress will kill you.
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I can relate. My father died two years ago. My mother was in no shape to take care of herself, physically or mentally. They lived in AZ and after he died she told me she wanted to come to my city/state to watch her grand-daughters grow up. There's a lot more background I could give here, but I'll get to the point.
I had a very short time to find her an assisted living facility and I feel I did a good job. The facility is only a few years old, 24 hour nursing staff, aids to help with whatever she needs, activities, transportation, they manage her meds, she has her cat, also transported here from AZ. (You have not traveled until you've flown across the country with a disoriented mother in a wheel chair that just got out of the hospital (she broke her hip within weeks of my dad's death), two carry on bags, a walker which you need to carry, and a cat...).
Anyway, she will not participate in anything the facility offers. I've come to the conclusion that the movie theaters, libraries, billiard rooms, book clubs, happy hours, etc. are all set up to impress us - the adult children. None of the residents seem to use them. My mother has done nothing but complained for two years. She is narcissistic - self centered and mean spirited.
After being in the hospital twice in six weeks (ER 3 times), she is now in a very nice rehab center down the street from me. Her cat is with me, my husband, two daughters ages 11 and 13 and my two cats. Still all my mother does is complain.
She threw me out of her room at the rehab center on Monday because I was so frustrated that she will not do the physical therapy. She lies to me, the nurses, doctors and therapists. She tells everyone that I treat her badly and don't care about her. She also blames me for "bringing her here to rot" and "selling her house"...Today I took her clean laundry to her and a card. She was asleep so I left the card on her tray and the clothes on top of the dresser. She called this evening to cuss me out again and to basically complain that I left the clothes on the dresser rather than taking care of them. She said she has every right to act like she does because her husband died and I "made" her come live here...and now she even has to take care of the clothes I washed!
Walk away? Oh, I'd love to walk away, but reality is, I'm the only one she has left. I'm not going back to the rehab center and I'm not going to see her until she at least calms down, but walking away from an elderly, sick parent isn't something that is easy to do. And it's also not something that one can "suck up" like some people, including therapists think I should do.
I know I've done the right thing by taking care of her. I know that where she is now and where she lives is safe. I don't have to be there all the time and she just may have to learn to take the facilities transportation because I'm past doing anything beyond what is necessary - including her laundry.
Sorry that was so long, but be happy I didn't say everything I wanted. LOL
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Sounds like she makes nasty comments regardless of where she is. She is in the best environment for her AND for you. Shake off the guilt, taking her home will not make her happy or nice, from what you described.
If someone is going to be mean to me I rather they do it from anywhere other than my own home.

You have done well by her. Relax.
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I just joined here and your situation is similar to mine. My parents lost their home and everything in a house fire just over a month ago. They are both 78. They moved out of state to stay with my brother and he placed them in an assisted living, they have been there a week and they are not happy. Mom too is on medications for anxiety and depression. Iam out of state and want them to be here near us and willing to go get them but they are confused. They have been married 50+ years also and Mom is totally dependent on Dad. dad got really sick a couple of years ago and is not as alert as he used to be. Iam afraid its early stage of Alz
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