What can we do to cope with Mom who has no will to get out if bed and is mean to Dad? - AgingCare.com

What can we do to cope with Mom who has no will to get out if bed and is mean to Dad?

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Mom is so mean and negative to dad, She tells him she's so sick she can't get up, but when I call or go see her she acts all good and doesn't complain. Lately she has made several dr and dentist appointments, only to call and cancel saying she's too sick to go. She is wearing dad out. They are both 84. She wants him at her beck and call! He does all of the housework, laundry and cooking. It's really hard not to have bad feelings toward her. She is on depression meds. She sleeps 15-20 hrs a day. I see my dad slowly regressing from a very healthy 84 yr? I would like to help both of them live a happier life.

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My parents are divorced, buy my read on this is that your father is aging well but your mother is not. Don't let him fall through the cracks! If they are together after all these years and this behavior is NEW, or even if it is not, it is too tough on him.
I have a stubborn single mother who is her own worst enemy. I have had many medical and economic issues and have decided to save myself. It sounds like your Dad needs to "save himself ". If Mom is too ornery or has dementia, he will go down with the ship.

I agree that she should have a complete medical and physiatric evaluation. The sleeping might be a sign of overmedication or dementia.

What ever the case may be, I would definitely have a social worker (neutral 3rd party) take a look in.

Sounds like a housekeeper is in order. I am not old or disabled, but I could use a housekeeper!

I hear the other responders. Sounds like Dad is getting very worn out. Parental quarreling is one thing. Him going down the drain with her is another.

Definitely sounds like a 3rd party would help sort it out. Trying to mediate your parents' interactions is a good start. If that fails, call a social worker in. It sounds like your Dad is becoming unnecessarily exhausted because of Mom's behavior.
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your dad is enabling your mother...he jumps when she calls...she has no respect for him. maybe he should stop doing that. can you hire some help for him in the house so that he doesn't have to work so hard...and can rest??
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Now may be the time to consider senior housing for both of them. It would stimulate your mother and offer your Dad alternatives and other activities to keep him active.
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A social worker is an advocate and will help determine what living and medical options are suitable for their conditions. In addition they typically do all the research to get you to the place that works for you. If you don't know where to find a social worker, call a hospital and ask for their social work dept and get a name and number for your own worker.
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Maybe you need to talk to the doctor about the dosage of the meds? My husband was sleeping all the time, and we changed the time of day several times, didn't seem to have much affect, until we gave him 1/2 the pill at dinner time, now he's as perky as ever. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right dosage and med.
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My mother has dementia. When I visit her and she has been in bed all day and th enurse says she is fine. , I sya "I guess at a bad time , I ws going to suggest we go to Stbrucks ( her favorite place -- well, seeing as you;re exhausted, I'll just leave you to rest and then I close close the bedroom door.) That somehow get up, put of bed, teeth brushed and dressed and ready to go. It fells mean and tricky but she would otherwise stay in bed for a couple of days when the mood strikes her.Plus she has enough fruit, jello, and grhm crackers in her refrigerator so she doeesn't even have to bother going to the dinng room with the other residents,
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Bring in a housekeeper one day a week. If mom objects to that, tell her she has to get out of bed and do the work. If she sees another woman taking over her territory, it might just motivate her to move around more.
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"Getting a break" isn't going to help matters until you get to the bottom of this ordeal, because I still think a Baker Act is a good idea--she stays in bed too long she won't be able to get up anymore and you are going to have a far worse situation to deal with..including nursing home placement.
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Not sure if you've done this, but sitting down with both of them to share your observations and concerns is something you should do or keep doing.

My mid 80's parents are doing well, but I speak to them regularly when I see their health deteriorating or their mental state going south and one or the other treating people with disrespect.

At some point, the adult child is forced to become a loving surrogate parent. We begin life in diapers and self-focused and often we end up that same way.
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Katie 222 is right. This is likely all related to her depression medications and the first step is to see her doctor. write out 3 examples of her behavior to share with the doctor if she won't go to a doctors appointment ask that doctor what he can do. If that doesn't work find a mobile doctor. Acute depression in seniors can create symptoms of dementia (short term memory loss or confusion) so know that and don't be scared that she has Alzheimer's for example. That requires a series ifvtestscandcan excellent diagnostician to determine
But I agree that the first step is to revisit her meds. This is likely a chemical imbalance!
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