What to do when Mom needs you and you are just starting YOUR life? - AgingCare.com

What to do when Mom needs you and you are just starting YOUR life?

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Hello, my mom really needs to move out of her house. The size, the bills, the up keeping of it all has finally taken a toll on her and her mental health. She wants to move in with me and my husband, which we both agree is ok... but we are barely starting our lives! I am 5 months pregnant, we are in the middle of apt hunting (specifically to accommodate all 4 of us) yet I know I need to do this. I will not turn my back on her. It's just hard, I spend all day researching for her- her financial situation, the programs she's on, she's tied to so many gov't programs that they make it difficult for her to just up and leave. One can of worms opens up another and by the end of the day, I'm more confused than ever. I just need support.

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Now I was with my hubby for 33yrs and for 20yrs we were otr truckers and his mom would handle stuff for us while we were away so when she needed care I got off truck to care for her he kept driving until he got diagnosed with cancer so I cared for both she lived with us in a 2 bedroom 750sq ft house so sometimes it's good to ask strangers what to do but think you and your hubby needs to get together n talk
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Since you and hubs are already looking for a new apt.. could you find 2 in the same building? A bigger one for you and a smaller one for her? Then you have her close, but also have your own space. Almost as good as her living with you.. but more privacy at the times you need it.
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I can't imagine EVER moving in with my son and now ex when she was pregnant. Nor would I ever if I had to eat beans or pnut butter sandwiches every day. This is a very special time in your life and starting it out with your mom in a small apt. is not the best option. All of these suggestions might sound cruel but going through what a lot of us have gone through it's just not the best option. Maybe in 5 years (just an example) when you have a large home and have her in her own space in that large home that could be your option. But right now, unless she is only going to be there while her new place is getting made ready.....then maybe. All of the paper work is overwhelming as it is let alone when you are trying to get ready yourself for this new life. I agree with moving her closer her to you and also looking into subsidized retirement place. An elder care attny can help with that as well as a social worker. Good luck and God Bless.....
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See if you can find the name and contact details of just one good social worker among the many governmental people involved in your mother's support, latch on to that person and subtly shift your mother's expectations onto her (or, possibly, him). If you're clever about it, the two of them together - your mother and her friendly social worker - will get busy on a plan for your mother to enjoy a long, happy, independent old age, in which you feature as the smiling daughter and mother of her grandchildren, all cheering her on from the sidelines. It can be done.

And you and your husband must immediately STOP agreeing that she can move in with you. You have a baby on the way. You're going to be a bit busy.
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To echo JeanneGibbs: find a small apt for your mother..close to your home where she can see you & her grandchild often..then she can go home and you, your husband, child can live your lives.
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Get her moved to your city, but NOT to your apartment. There be dragons in that direction!
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Thank you for your response. However, to move on, I should clarify things a bit. She's 73, had me quite old and actually I'm not that young, just below caregiver age (I saw as I was researching) and considered an older soon-to-be parent. We live in different cities and I cannot nor want to deny her a chance to get close to her new grandchild. There would be no boyfriends. I'm just letting my rant out, thanks to all who listen!
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the fact that you are already so doubtful about the whole situation says it all. its not the way to begin your life that's for sure. Find mom an efficiency apartment and don't feel guilty. shame on her for even suggesting she live with you. sounds selfish to me . I know after being left with the burden of caring for my selfish mother I would do anything in my power to never impose on my children's lives, I don't care how old they are. your life WILL change and probably not for the better.
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I would think long and hard on this, because she is your mother. How would your husband like having his MIL there all the time? Do you really think it would work in the long term? Living together is not like visiting. If you have any questions that it wouldn't work, a better option may be to look for an apartment in a senior community. That way your mother could be around people her own age. You may be able to locate some nice ones that are subsidized by the government if she doesn't have much income. Maybe you can all sit down and work out the option that is best for everyone involved. If your mother is still able to do the basic things to care for herself, a senior apartment could be the best option for her and yourself.
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Read every story that you can here, about people that let mom or dad move in. If you are that young she must be younger, too. Do you want her around for 20 years? Having mom there and an infant would be a disaster, I think. I don't know if they make apartments big enough for 3 generations of family.

It sounds like she is quite dependent or she wouldn't be putting this off on her pregnant daughter.

Think a little bit down the line. What if she needs 24/7 care, or if she is just the irresponsible type, what if she brings a boyfriend in to live with her. Believe me, we hear it all on this site.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you. (I think a 2 bedroom apartment would be great. "I am sorry mom, but there is just no room.")
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