Mom needs to go live with my sister since she is financially assisting her. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mom needs to go live with my sister since she is financially assisting her. Any advice?

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Parents have given thousands to my sister while I was paying their mortgage. Now dad is gone, my mother lives with me and my family but has given my sister $20,000 in 1.5 years. She gives us nothing. I paid their mortgage to the tune of $32,000. They repaid me when they sold their house and moved in with me for a few weeks while they looked for a place to live. They never looked. Dad died 4 months later. She just sits on the couch all day, every day. She is 86. She had $70,000 saved in Oct of 2015. She gets $2200 a month in SS. The savings account, I just discovered is down to $47,000. I don't want or need her money. My sister desperately needs the money. I told her the other day that she needs to move in with my sister. She acted like I said nothing. I cannot justify to my family having her here when she is just giving money to my sister, spending money on expensive catalog items, giving hundreds away to charity, etc, etc.

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Has anyone assessed what the needs are of your brothers and sisters? There has to be brothers and sisters out there who need help. If you love your Mother give her space to love your siblings. I am the caregiver and myself could be viewed as the needy party. ( I am managing) My brother who is not needy and out of town used to be upset that I was with Mother 24 x 7 when she was in Independent Living. Mother was forced into Personal Care at her facility. My brother was afraid I would unduly influence Mother. He did not support my Mother wanting to stay in Independent Living. My sister-in-law wanted me out of there. Brother changed his attitude when Mother got sick from the move, hurt from falling, (I had previously been with Mother 24x7 preventing any falls. My brother realized that Nurses Aids costs @25,00 per hour.) I was with Mother 16 hours and we had a nurses aid 8 hours for 2 months. A year of Nurses Aids 24 x 7 would cost over $200,000.00 per year, We ended up moving Mother to a better place when I am not limited in the time I spend with her. She is regaining her health. Sibling rivalry has no place. Get involved. Show Mother and siblings that you care, it is a package. What can you do to help the needy sibling get their life together? Money isn't the only answer and can be wasted or used for the good. Be knowledgeable and use the resources that society offers to help your brothers and sisters. That would give your parent relief when he or she worries about them and what will happen when they are gone.
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Has anyone assessed what the needs are of your brothers and sisters? There has to be brothers and sisters out there who need help. If you love your Mother give her space to love your siblings. I am the caregiver and myself could be viewed as the needy party. ( I am managing) My brother who is not needy and out of town used to be upset that I was with Mother 24 x 7 when she was in Independent Living. Mother was forced into Personal Care at her facility. My brother was afraid I would unduly influence Mother. He did not support my Mother wanting to stay in Independent Living. My sister-in-law wanted me out of there. Brother changed his attitude when Mother got sick from the move, hurt from falling, (I had previously been with Mother 24x7 preventing any falls. My brother realized that Nurses Aids costs @25,00 per hour.) I was with Mother 16 hours and we had a nurses aid 8 hours for 2 months. A year of Nurses Aids 24 x 7 would cost over $200,000.00 per year, We ended up moving Mother to a better place when I am not limited in the time I spend with her. She is regaining her health. Sibling rivalry has no place. Get involved. Show Mother and siblings that you care, it is a package. What can you do to help the needy sibling get their life together? Money isn't the only answer and can be wasted or used for the good. Be knowledgeable and use the resources that society offers to help your brothers and sisters. That would give your parent relief when he or she worries about them and what will happen when they are gone.
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Pamstegma is spot on!
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I was in a similar situation. All my mother was to my sister was a bank account. She has given my sister thousands of dollars over the years. Once mom moved in with me and the money stopped flowing to the sibling - guess what- we haven't heard from her in over 2 years.

Why don't you find mom a nice senior community to live in near you. There is subsidized housing for seniors with a limited income. Explain to mom that she is on a fixed income now cannot afford to send you sister thousands of dollars. It time to sis to grow up and take care of herself.

One concern: does your mom have dementia. Having problems with finances may be a warning sign that she has it. My mother's finances were a mess, I then realized it was the dementia. She also gave away a lot of money to charities, would pau my sisters bills, and would buy things that she didn't need. Sounds like mom can't manage her money anymore and someone needs to get financial POA.
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Just curious, why did u pay parents mortgage if they were giving their money to a sibling?
The problem here is I hope she doesn't need Medicaid in the next five years because with giving a child her money they may not help her. Maybe this is how you can go. Explain the Medicaid thing. Tell her you cannot guarantee u will be able to always take care of her. She needs her money for her future.
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You need to stop the money train to your sister. Here's what is going to happen -- your mother will decline and when it is time to qualify for Medicaid, she will be penalized all that money she's "gifted" to your sister. You are going to be stuck.

Do you really intend to send your mother to your sister? You don't sound like you would really do it.

Are you ready to be the 24/7 caregiver when she needs that? Because if you don't do something soon, that is exactly what is going to happen.
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I am in a similar situation except that I have financial POA over Mom and I ignore her requests to send my brother(s) money. She and Dad have given thousand upon thousand to the boys (mostly to one particular son) while I am expected to not only care for myself financially but help her as well. My husband is beyond ticked at the inequity. I was raised with it so, although I don't like it, it is all I know.

Of course, if Mom was destitute, through no fault of her own, I would do whatever I needed to do to keep a roof over her head and food in her belly. But by God, if she becomes destitute because she gave everything to those underserving louts, I will find her a cardboard box and an overpass for her to live.

BTW, I accept (demand) rent from her but I regret not bargaining for more since she has negatively impacted our lives and I don't always feel it is worth it.
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I would give your mother a choice and some expectations. If she has no health conditions and moves around okay, tell her that by such and such a date she must decide if she wants to keep living with you. If she wants to keep living with you, she must provide $75 per week for groceries and she must hand over $200 per month to contribute to the utilities. You can adjust those amounts on how you see fit. Also let her know that she is responsible for chores that you assign her. If she pitches a fit, let her know that this is the price of living with you and you are not going to wait on her hand and foot. If she doesn't like it, she is going to have to get her own place and be out of your house by the end of the month. Sometimes tough love and a stern talking to is what's needed. She is 86 not 2 anymore.
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Mom's competence may need to be assessed and you may need to get POA or just take control in some other way. Maybe Mom is just very depressed or grieving, and though Sis "needs" the money, it sounds like you are telling us she is absolutely preying on your mom financially, and it is not right. Can you share why she is in so much need that she keeps doing this? Mom may be right not to want to move into a mess of a situation with Sis and family.
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The letter below was shared with me by AgingCare member MaggieMarshal. I've tweaked it a bit to better fit for you, and you might want to tweak it a bit more. You didn't say if you were married...if not, it should be I, and if so, it should be we. I didn't know which to say so said We (I). This general wording was used to get my dad to gladly start paying my brother and sis in law a monthly salary, along with paying his share of groceries and utilities. I know that they were able to keep my dad alive longer then it would have been had he not been with them, and the money helped them not to feel he was too much of a burden. It was all well worth it.

Otherwise hard feelings would have set in and no one would have been happy at all. I hope you can use this to convince your mom to chip in or move out with sis. Good Luck to you!


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Mom, we (I) would love for you to stay here, but if you do I'm going to appeal to your sense of responsibility and ask you to help out financially. I'm sure you realize that if you were to enter an assisted living facility, you might be paying $2500.00 a month or more.

If you live anywhere other than with myself, or sis, then your needs would be secondary to the expediency of staff. Nowhere on EARTH would you get the loving attention that you'd get with one of us who love you.
As it is, I have given up my privacy and peaceful life to give you the greatest gift of all. A place of safety and help from someone that love that cares for you.

What were you doing at my age? Were you caring for an elderly parent, helping them keep their independence? Were you sleeping with one ear open so you could hear their footfalls in the middle of the night and get up to make sure they were safe? Were you helping someone to the bathroom five times a day? Fixing their medicines? Taking them to the doctor? [List a bunch of stuff here.]

We (I) both know you weren't. You now have a great gift, being able to live with someone who loves you. Honestly? Money can't even buy that gift. By paying your expenses and and a bit more for the help you receive, you will be demonstrating that you value everything that's being done for you, paying back in a small way for sacrifices being made every single day to care for you. It's the very least you can do.

You [and dad] saved all of your lives for a rainy day. There's no doubt now that It's pouring outside mom. Time to help the loved one (ones) who are holding your umbrella.

It is my sincere wish that you agree to help out by paying (amount here) a month toward your care. It's the right thing to do.

I love you mom but I do hope you give this letter some thought and know that I love you very much. ;)
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