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My mother had a stroke about 4-5 years ago, and she is paralyzed on half the side of her body. She doesn't like sitting up in a wheelchair, and says it hurts too much (even if she hasn't moved yet). She's also a not very nice person, and I really dreaded having to take her in (though my siblings love her to death supposedly). She's currently in a nursing home here, in Utah, and it was supposed to be only temporary.

She originally had the stroke in WA state. My brother was claiming that the nursing home was treating her terribly, and we needed to relocate her to WVA (near my sister). (I personally think after a year or two, he was tired of dealing with her) My husband and I nicely offered to drive out there, and relocate her to Utah temporarily. The nursing home in WVA was completely full, and we were trying to get her into one there. So, she stayed with us in our house for about 3 months before I put her in the nursing home. (It was too much to handle with 2 kids, and my husband being AD Army stationed in another state) This was officially over 2 years ago.

She was supposed to be relocated within those 3 months, but neither my sister nor brother made an effort to relocate her. Key note: When we offered to relocate her temporarily, we said we would NOT NOT NOT be the ones to relocate her to WVA...as I have children and this is unacceptable for us to do. Both siblings agreed to this, as we had already done half of the trip by ourselves. (This first relocation caused a lot of rumors started by same siblings about how we stole money from my mom. My husband just wants to wash his hands of the situation, and I don't blame him)

NOW, two years later, I am 6 months pregnant with #3. We have been warning the siblings that we will be selling our house and moving to GA for TWO YEARS. They had TWO YEARS to relocate my mother, but now that we have the house on market my sister is suddenly jumping on this claiming that we offered to relocate her (no we didn't) and neither of the siblings wants to help.

My sister has offered a few unsavory choices thus far. She wants the relocation date to happen end of Dec or early Jan. My due date is Jan 3rd. I will either have given birth or be 9 months pregnant. I also am a HORRIBLE traveller. A car trip would take me easily 9 days to WVA, by myself.

The choices I was offered via sister was 1) My sister flies out to here, and *I* drive in a rental car with my sister, my mom in the back seat, to WVA. This means I would be driving back alone, and the time frame would be when I am 9 months pregnant OR having just given birth within the last month. 2) My husband, and I drive (9 months pregnant again, or just given birth again) solo with my mother and drive back. 3) My husband flies with my mother on an airplane and drops her off in WVA. (I stressed that whatever option was decided on, we will NOT be paying for...as we paid over $1k to relocate her to here the first time, out of pocket) (Also, my sister says her husband will flip out if she does a "road trip" with only my husband, and my not being in the car...which I think is total crap and I don't feel I should be in a car doing a fucking road trip at 9 months, OR leaving my kids at home that long....FFS I might have a newborn at home!!)

I actually am not happy with ANY of the solutions. So far, though, since we don't want to abandon my mom in Utah...we decided to attempt to fly with her. I'm unsure of the protocol of this though. I've never flown with someone who is wheelchair bound, nor do I know what to do/say when buying tickets. (Also, the nursing home is once again refusing to sign off on her medical leave to fly...again...) My mom does have a license, but it expires Jan 19th, 2014. This is another reason why my sister is pushing for that timeline.

We simply cannot afford to pay someone else to transport her. My brother has completely washed his hands of my mom, ever since she left the state (he wouldn't even sign her out of the old nursing home). I can't even afford the gas to relocate her, OR plane tickets either.


Before you ask how MUCH my family has been involved, I will tell you. 0% I had to resign my mom up for medicaid, medicare, and fix her social security all by myself. It took 6 months just to get her medical records from the previous nursing home, even though my brother lives within 10min drive. When we originally relocated her, she didn't have a wheelchair. We managed to get her pretty set up here, and visit a lot... I had no idea what I was doing when she first got out here. It was pretty bad, and we are trying to get out of this situation. Once she's relocated, it will take a LOT of stress off our backs.

Does anyone have any suggestions when it comes to flying with a crippled person, or any other ideas in regards to relocating her? Another idea maybe? Also, am I just being hormonal when I think what my sister is asking of me is TOO much?

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Oh...when I say "WE are of the opinion" I don't actually mean anyone other then my husband, myself, the current nursing home, and the doctors here. The siblings think she is completely sane. I think she is batshit crazy.
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Ugh. Sorry, been dealing with stuff for the kidlets school, so haven't been around much lately.

What is the APS? What do they do? How do I contact them? Can I rely on them? Will they just make things worse? Is there some way to look up information on them? I assume they'd have one here?

The official age my mother had her stroke at is 48. (I might of did the math wrong. She was born in 1960, and had it about 4-5 years ago...) She did it to herself. She had blood pressure problems and refused to take her medication. We ALL warned her for months/years to take it regularly, but according to her it was too expensive. We even offered to help her buy it for her, but she didn't want "hand outs". Even when she did have the medication in her possession, she refused to take it. When it first happened, she was coherent and admitted that she didn't take the medication for well over 7 months. The initial treatment doctors have written in her medical records that the "cause" of the stroke, was her refusing to take her medication. (Funny thing, my mom has HIGH blood pressure but I have insanely LOW blood pressure. I always get a kick out of people telling me I broke their blood pressure machine, because it acts like I'm dead. Lawlz)

We are of the opinion that the stroke changed her mentally as well as physically. She never recovered mentally after the stroke, but now that someone is actually taking care of her full time (and cares about her) like this nursing home is...they started looking into her more "weird" issues. The current nursing home and it's doctors have decided officially that her dementia is a result of the stroke. So stroke first, then dementia in full force. It really was like opening the flood gates as soon as she was being taken care of for the most part. According to the siblings the other doctors/nursing home did NOT notice these issues (but the other nursing home was pretty junk...so...). I noticed as soon as she was in the car with me being relocated.

A flying monkey is a term that most people would use to describe a family member who inserts themselves where they don't belong and is acting on behalf of the person who is offended/insulted/upset by your actions. That was the best description I could find for you. I usually use the term to describe a random family member who I usually have ZERO contact with, contacting me with random made up excuses..then trying to turn it into an "attack" conversation. It's funny, because I can ALWAYS tell when it's a flying monkey. They start out all concerned and interested in my life (uh huh), and then random slide in a passive aggressive comment or a direct insult. From there is usually turns ugly, or I try to get off the phone as soon as possible.

We are not Chinese. Irish, German, French and English yes. I'm also NOT the oldest child, my brother is. I just happen to be the oldest daughter. Xian is a play on Zion. Something my niece came up with when I had full custody of her for two years (my sister was a teen mom, and I took full custody for the first two years). The entire name is actually from my niece, she couldn't fully pronounce my first name so it was always Aly. Zion was misspelled later on, and it stuck.

I've been focusing on ignore phone calls, keeping an eye on my mother, and dealing with the school junk. Parent teacher conferences are TONS of fun. So far, no word yet about the relocation...except a few calls from my sister and my flying monkey aunt (she tried to slide in the "well, we know you don't want her to be relocated" bull...so I had to set that to rights).
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My dad had a debilitating stroke when I was 18 mos old. Mthr force fed him baby food with a NG tube (before ports were invented) for 6 years before he mercifully died. Even though she was told over and over by the physical therapists to put him in a NH, she was the martyr and insisted she was the only one who could take care of him. He was trapped in a body and could not speak to complain of abuse. I can only think this is what would happen if your siblings were to get a hold of your mother.

My mthr stole my childhood by taking on full responsibility for a man who could not recover. Instead of bringing me up with fond memories of him, I remember filth and medical supplies. Don't ignore your family to sacrifice for mother and cause them to resent both you and your mother.
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You have certainly given enough explicit detail to demonstrate that your siblings have been relatively worthless and you stepped up to the plate above and beyond the call of duty.

I have some questions however that would fill in the blanks for me if you don't mind:

You've indicated that your mom is 44, was that a typo? If not, it is so young to have had a stroke. And what do they think brought it about? Was it the strokes that precipitated the dementia or do you think did you mention was already there as in early-onset case (still would be awfully early)?

What is a flying monkey? I guess I understand the concept from The Wizard of Oz novel, if that's what you're referring to, but how do you use it here?

You use Xian as part of your formum ID. Are you by any chance Chinese? If so, I'm just wondering if there is a cultural component to the caretaking of your mom. Just in case that's true, I want to point out that your siblings didn't take it to heart and it was really selfish them to put it all on you. It almost seems as if they intended to do that to you from the beginning.

Your mom is safe and being cared for. You must now be concerned for the health of your baby and well being of your family as you move away from this responsibility that you and your husband (and indirectly your children) have so generously accommodated.
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Call APS for help! Tell them that you are not financially liable for your mother, you have to move away, and you need their help to make sure she is taken care of some how. You need to make sure that you are not on the paperwork at the nursing home as liable for her over charges once you leave. You probably signed something that made you liable, and you will need APS to help you get off of that. I imagine they will work wonders to make the bills go down and for her to come out even at the end of the month.

The APS people deal with people who won't care for mom all the time. There is nothing shameful about having to live your life. It is more shameful to not protect your family from charges of abuse. I would go to TX and let APS handle your sister. I am sure sis will not mind letting the state take over. If she does, then she will come and get mom. Get out of the middle!

I know how hard it is to have a disabled parent who is young. In her right mind, she would want you to go have a good life! Sadly, she is not there right now, but it is still up to you to "do the right thing" as Dr. Laura would say, and have a good life and a good family.
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Your family members sound like a nightmare! All the more reason to step back and take care of yourself, your family, and your house. I'm a special education teacher and I'm always reminding myself and my associates not to get into an argument or power struggle with a person who is at the functioning level of a 2-3 year old. You can't win!
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Sigh...I keep forgetting details,and I assume it'd be better to get them all out now. My siblings fought with me about putting my mom in the nursing home for those 2-3 months. According to them, she was only supposed to be out in Utah for those 2-3 months...so why put her in a home? After I reached the 2-3 month mark and nothing was being done, I started looking into the ONLY nursing home here in this town. I understand why they didn't want her to be in one again, as the first one was just a walking disaster.

The main reason I had my mom put in one was because she was hospitalized while in my care. The very first time the in-home nurses were in my home, my mom wound up being hospitalized due to their lack of experience.

We left her with one of the in-home nurses for 10 minutes, so the nurse could give my mom a shower (the only thing they had to do was bathe her and entertain her for an hour a week) and my mom had a panic attack in the shower (they put her in the shower WAY too fast, and my mom passed out). I was around the corner from the room getting shoes for my kidlet, and could hear them screaming her name all of a sudden. The in-home nurses didn't know how to preform CPR (I did it), and tried to snatch the phone from me when I called 911. While I was following my mom to the hospital, the nurses were filing a false report with the police about what happened.

Later the next day, after they filed a false police report stating numerous things that were false, the police investigated and actually said my mom had a sweet set up. Even the cops were pissed they were involved. I decided I'd had enough, that even if the nurses couldn't take care of her for 10 minutes without me...that I definitely couldn't take care of my mom at my house any longer (my own sanity and how was I supposed to drive the kids to school with her at home alone?). So, I put her in the nursing home that very next day and she hasn't been removed since (even though my mom wants to come back here....).

Here is a list of a few things the nurses lied about:

1- We feed her only crackers (She eats the dinner/lunch/breakfast/snacks that the rest of eat, plus Diet Coke with each meal. The cops even took pictures of her unfinished meal from the day before, that I never got to clean up. She was currently eating lunch before the shower, that consister of a banana sandwhich, gold fish crackers - her choice, and a salad.)

2- We never gave her a shower (Gave her a shower every week, how else did those nurses know how to put her in the tub? I had to TELL them how and HELP them do it.)

3- She was laying in her own filth for DAYS on end (She has a baby monitor set in her room, and jic she didn't ask to be changed...I checked every hour)

4- She's been here for 6 months (LOL??? What? It's been 2-3 at best)

5- She's currently dying in a hospital (Police didn't even know she had been checked into a nursing home and was absolutely fine. Even the hospital report said it was a stress/panic attack)

6- She doesn't have a wheelchair (Actually she does, and it cost me $120, plus a prescription from her doctor. So whatever.)

7- Her living quarters were a disaster! (Even the cops said that with having two children, that my house is fucking pretty damn clean. They took pictures of that too!)

That's just some of the things they lied about. The case was dismissed as soon as I allowed the cops into my home the next day (it was even reported to my husband's commanding officer in TX). The lead investigator even told me that it was complete nonsense and that I was doing a fantastic job with my mother.

Mind you, my mother weighs 250lbs easily (since being here she has lost roughly 50 lbs, so not as heavy as she was originally). I paid for these people to come to my home (out of pocket), and assist me with my mother and this was the fall-out from it. Granted, I had no idea what I was doing with a lot of it...but I'd never abuse my mother.

This is just ONE example of how things have gone down since she's been here. I haven't been accused of elder abuse since then, but that sure didn't stop the siblings from trying to start rumors about it later either (even when she was in the nursing home).

I'm just trying to paint the picture for you all, so you understand. It's been hell and back for my husband and I.
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Also, forgot to mention. My mom gets paid $957 from the social security every month and her nursing home bill is $950. She also gets charged $10 for haircuts, and other additional fees such as long distance calling. I pay for those out of pocket when needed, too. Basically, my mom gets just enough to pay for her nursing home and that's it.
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Oh and before you ask, those 2-3 months we had to pay out of pocket...started a LOT of rumors about how I was stealing my mom's money. These rumors were started by my sister, and involved a lot of flying monkeys. My dad (who is divorced from my mom) even called me about it screaming at me. Even after explaining the situation to everyone, and posting proof on my facebook (without her social security numbers or anything sensitive)...a lot of people STILL believe I just randomly stole all of my mom's money.

What people don't realize is that she showed up here with NOTHING and things COST. I have an itemized list and a massive folder of everything we have ever paid for. This mostly stopped the rumors, but I would not be surprised if they were to start up again, or if people still think I am stealing her imaginary money.

I was receiving about 60-70 phone calls a week about this. It stopped last year, around mid-Aug. Thank god. I changed my phone number and it was a huge sigh of relief. (Before you ask, I even dared people to call social security/medicaid/medicare and report me if they thought I was truly stealing her money. No one ever called)

We were never repaid back for any money we used on my mom, as everytime I'd finally get some of it back...we'd have to use it for something new. THIS is why I started working. My husband and I were having problems paying our mortgage, and the entire time we are - people are flipping out about how we are stealing my mom's money. Huh?!

So yes, if there weren't rumors about my mom supposedly being rich before she came out here and us stealing her imaginary money (she didn't even have $5)...then it was that we were treating her horribly. Now, it seems like WE are the reason my mom can't be relocated. It will always be something.
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For the first 2-3 months, and for her relocation, we paid for everything out of pocket. That included buying her a new wheelchair (previous nursing home stole almost everything and has since been shut down due to their "practices"), driving 3 hours to/from the social security office to set up her social security/medicaid/medicare, clothes (had none), medication, food, in-home nurse, diapers, etc. I have a complete list of everything we have EVER paid for out of pocket for her.

She does receive social security checks NOW, but for the first 2-3 months it was never set up nor was medicaid/medicare. I had to start from scratch and get everything set up for her manually. When she was relocated, the previous nursing home turned everything OFF. Meaning, as soon as I checked my mom out to relocate her, the old nursing home called and cancelled EVERYTHING. (There is even a missing social security check floating in the wind, that I don't know how to claim for my mom)

Currently, I only pay for extras such as toothpaste and anything else the nursing home/medicaid/medicare refuses to cover. When my mom had issues with her lips, I paid $150 out of pocket for her cold sore medication (they wanted 10~ different types but didn't want to have the doctor write a script for some reason). I recently also paid $226 for a dental visit, as medicaid/medicare REFUSES to deal with her teeth at all. They consider that a "perk", even though she arrived with a mouthful of horribly degraded teeth that all need to be removed and dentures made. I also paid $152 for her initial eye exam.

The teeth and glasses were two months ago, and the reason why I was originally working to help pay off some things for my mom. I was working 3 jobs before I was forced to quit working last April. I needed to make sure that we could still pay bills and help my mom. My mom put us in debt $2207.50 for just her major expenses those first few months. Now, I spend ~$50 on frills for her (chips, candy, soda) and sometimes have to reach into the money I saved from working for random things (ie teeth, glasses). That money has now officially run out.

As per my mother's age, she is 44. There are rumors that she is going through early onset dementia that was never diagnosed by the previous nursing home. The new nursing home and doctors are claiming that it is most likely due to them blaming all of her signs/symptoms on the stroke instead of investigating each and every "new" thing that popped up.

The nursing home refused to do EFT because they didn't have a way to take it, ie no credit card machine. They JUST got one (2 years later...) about a month ago. So, I can have them just enter in my mom's information or call and have them manually charge it now. Before then, I was having to get money orders or cash to pay them and get a receipt. (We live in the middle of nowhere, so I'm not surprised certain places are behind on technology...even if it was a hassle).

I did receive a passive aggressive flying monkey call about 10 minutes ago. I made sure to inform them that I was not in charge of my mom's relocation and that my sister was. (This is going to open the door for questions as to where my mom's money has gone, because everyone assumes my mom gets a ton of money...when she barely gets enough to cover the nursing home) I ended the conversation by saying that I was on bedrest and trying not to get involved, but that it wasn't up to me. My sister is pretty much just looking around for someone to pay for it still (and admitted this to me today after the phone call from flying monkey).

Why am I getting APS involved before I move? Should this be something I inform the sibblings about? I'd rather just wash my hands of all of it. That sounds harsh, but I can't even get myself to visit my mom anymore and I *really* don't want to deal with anymore drama coming my way...from anyone.
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Surprise, that's a great point about getting APS involved now before Xian even moves. My post floating the idea she take her mother with her to GA was in part devil's advocate but in part serious - odds are her sibs aren't going to do such a great job with her mother. If APS in Utah or if they do move her APS in WVa could be notified to keep an eye on things could be good to put a safety net on the situation.
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You have evil people in your family. Keep as far away from them as possible, physically and mentally!

I am curious about mom's financial situation Are you paying for her home out of pocket? If so, that has to stop, I am SURE your siblings won't help... SO that leaves social services.

Social services, Adult Protective Services, etc, will take care of anyone over 65. If she has lived in the state for several years, she is a resident, even if you never changed her license. (And I get that you were concerned about her license for flying ID). If you can get her under their care, to remove yourself completely from the role of financial caregiver, I think you would be better off.

Your siblings are saying very loudly that they don't want her. You would be doing the Biblical thing and providing for your mother if you get her set up with social services as a ward. That does not mean that you can't visit or call, but that you give up your responsibilities to someone who is COMPETENT to care for her unlike your siblings. If Social Services thinks that the nursing home is treating her badly, they will know much better than you, and will force a change. You can't do that, so their care would actually be better at this point.

Abusers don't change. You have a bunch of abusers in your family. I did too. I found a really good Christian therapist when I moved to GA who helped me with a BUNCH of issues related to the family, so I KNOW you will be able to find one in GA too! There are lots of military and former M families in GA, and MANY who struggle with elders who abuse.
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Stay strong!
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Right now, please, take care of yourself, your upcoming baby and getting things organized for your move. That is enough stress for any one person to handle at one time. After your baby is born and you are settled in, then hopefully you can revisit the issue of getting your mother moved. If your brother and sister try to pull you back into their drama, just tell them, "Sorry, right now I need to take care of myself and my family. I will be ready to problem solve with you in (whatever month you choose)." Then STOP being pulled back in to their explanations/excuses/reasons. If you know your mother is safe in Utah, that's the best you can do right now. Peace and good wishes.
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Here is my take on this situation and I hope it doesn't offend you. I'm saying this from a totally neutral and calm point of view (even though I totally sympathize with your situation).

Your sister and brother are users, abusers and just plain bullies (as are your other relatives). You state that you and your mother are like "oil and water" -- well, guess what, so are you and your brother/sister. You don't say how old your mother is (at this point, I'm not sure that's relative though). She had a stroke 4 or 5 years ago -- does she also have dementia/Alzheimer's?

In the time YOU have relocated your Mom, YOU and YOU ALONE have done ALL the work! You are now 6 months pregnant, have two other little children, a husband who is stationed in Texas (while you and your family live in Utah) and major stressors and health issues.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do this for yourself RIGHT NOW: Call the phone company and CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER so that only YOU, THE NURSING HOME and your HUSBAND and your chilren's SCHOOL (and health care providers) know the new number. YOU have been under major, major stress and this is potentially debilitating to your health and the health of your unborn child! I know I sound harsh, but you must cut yourself off from this dysfunctional part of your family (brother, sister, aunt). They are abusive and manipulating you until you can't see straight.

I don't know about your mother's financial situation (is she on Medicare or Medicaid?). I don't understand why a nursing home would need "cash" or checks/money orders these days. Everything is EFT (Electronic Funds Transfer) where in nursing homes are paid via EFT out of Medicare/Medicaid funds. You should not be having to trapse over funds every month. Also, I agree with another poster, that they (the nursing home) would have to "figure it out" if their were no family members available for a patient (i.e. when she has tantrum, hallucinations, etc.). That's THEIR job.

The throwing of the glass was the perverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". You sound like a strong individual but as CarolLynn stated above, you are "waffling". You have made your decision, now STICK WITH IT. THAT is the only way your brother/sister are going to learn you mean business!

Again, YOUR health and that of YOUR family's dynamic hangs in the balance! Be strong!!!! Oh, and another thing, I forgot --- STAY OFF FACEBOOK for the time being! Social media is not doing you any good --- it's just bringing the wrath of the "flying monkeys" down upon you. UNFRIEND your brother, sister, aunt and ANY OTHER relatives/friends who can have access to your Facebook page (their are ways to "hide" yourself to them). DO IT and DO IT NOW!!!

PLEASE -- we care about YOU here on this forum and hope you will come back here often to learn and vent as much as you want. We can only suggest options to you, but YOU and YOU ALONE must implement these ideas and suggestions.

I suspect if you move to GA (which by the way is your and your family's dream as it should be) and leave your Mom in Utah in a nursing home that takes fairly good care of her, you and she will survive! She will most definitely not LIKE it, but tough -- you have done the best you can since YOU did all the work relocating her with no sibling help whatsoever! You have done a FANTASTIC job and now it is YOUR TURN to RELAX and take care of yourself and your upcoming bundle of joy! Will you feel guilty? Yep, you bet. Will you need counseling or venting to get over that guilt? Yep. Will you continue to get the wrath of the "flying monkeys"? Yep, until YOU end it.

If you continue on the path you are currently on, your physical and mental health will take it's toll (as it is NOW). As a personal note, I, too, have a very dysfunctional family and have learned (through much counseling and anti-depression medication) to cope and deal with these family members. You must DETACH yourself from this situation forthwith and stay out of the fray for your own sake.

I am suggesting speaking with your doctor about finding a clinical psychologist or mental health professional and begin counseling immediately! If you don't like the first person, find another and another, until you have the right one who will listen to you and is the right fit for you. Please get help today.....this is not a way to live --- you are young. I am so glad you found this forum to vent and get suggestions, but there is no substitution for face to face counseling (believe me, I've been there). I can't tell you what an angry/bitter person I had become before I finally GOT it -- I have to take care of ME first (mentally and physically) in order to become a better wife, mother and friend.

I'm sorry I have droned on for so long but I felt I had to give you my opinion in such a dire situation. You move to GA. Your Mom will be alright in the nursing home (you can call or visit when you can). Your brother/sister/aunt will just have to DEAL WITH IT! Stop debating the issue with them. STOP taking their calls, abuse and guilt! I know the guilt you feel but DON'T! You are a good person to have been deceived into doing all the work (relocating) etc. NOW YOU KNOW what kind of people they are (sister/brother/aunt) and you must find a way to live your life in peace and harmony (for your sake and your children/husband). I still speak to my family but in a detached manner. But, yes, I still get upset at some of the things they do, but not as much anymore. I don't usually advocate "cutting off" from family, but in this case, I have to suggest it. From what you describe above, they are toxic, toxic, toxic.

Please write again and let us know how you are doing. We care.
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Xian - hahahahaha, you picked up on my "waffle" comment in a good way and are using it to your advantage. GOOD FOR YOU!

Let your husband be the buffer. He sounds perfect for it. Stress is toxic for you and your baby, not to mention your children and family as a whole. Don't do this to yourself. You've already done enough. The ball is in their court. Let them play the game without you. Your relatives are the type of people who will change the rules of the game during the middle of it without telling you they're going to and they will expect you to just fall into line and conform. DON'T EVEN I think of going there for doing that! As you have brought yourself to this decision that is healthy for you and your family, keep to your resolve!!
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I have had a few comments here and there from the sister about my mom being relocated. I made sure not to "waffle". I made a lot of "YOU" comments, and about 2 days ago my sister completely stopped calling me. I can't say that I'm surprised. I think as soon as she realized that I won't be doing all of the work for the relocation, that she has officially counted me out. She hasn't even texted me her normal daily things, which isn't odd. I think because I won't do what they want me to do, that they are going to wait until last minute and try to play on my guilt/feelings for my mom. I am expecting to receive some more calls the closer it gets to move date/due date, but there is absolutely no way I will change my mind on this. (I'm actually really angry about the whole situation)

The last information I had, my mom can get on a plan and all that is holding it up is my sister trying to get someone to pay for it. I'm avoiding that like the plague. Yes, moving my mother is hard on her (not as bad as she'd make it out to be)...but it is much worse for whomever is helping her physically move. My mother likes to play the attention needy/twist things around to strangers so that she gets the "oh you poor baby" attention. When in reality, she is just fine or completely being a brat the entire time. She is probably the worst person to travel with (that I've seen). Even worse then my kids.

In the end, I'm really not looking forwards to getting the future calls. For now, I am playing the deflecting and "focus on the baby" game. I am preparing myself for the future battle, which WILL happen, and am considering making my husband deal with it instead of me. (He's comes across as really nice while laying down the law. The flying monkeys seem to "understand" more when he talks to them, and this causes less drama)
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it sounds as if the move would be very hard on your mom. I agree with others, move to Georgia, and keep in contact with your mom as you would if she were in W VA. If your sis thinks she can handle your mom, she can certainly arrange for the move. No matter what you do, it will not be the right thing in the eyes of your sibs. So, become selfish, do what you want and what is best for you!
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You are being used. I can recognize it because I've been used, too. It's because we have a conscience, but as someone once said "excuses are just for the ones giving them". Thanks for your post, it has given some ideas. Love your life. You are not the be all for your mother. You have siblings. They are used to you doing everything and fixing things. Now you need to fix you and your situation whatever that takes. Hugs to you and your little family.
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Sounds like you're surrounded by a pack of hyenas. What JB and Blannie said... Indeed...
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Ok, first of all, the drivers license is a "red herring", meaningless, useless to a person who is paralyzed on half of their body, so who cares when it expires?

2nd, you shouldn't be doing anything unusual or stressful in your pregnancy this late in the game, so close to delivery, especially if your doctor has or did partial bed rest. This is a threat to you and the health of your fetus.

Your family is playing on your weaknesses of caring for and not wanting to abandon your mother. BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY DONE SO, HAVEN'T THEY? Out of concern and being a good daughter, you fell into their trap of going above and beyond what you promised.

But now, at the beginning of an opportunity to start your new life, they are willing to still try to force you to jeopardize your husband and your children.

SEE THEM FOR WHAT & WHO THEY ARE - users and energy vampires. They have willingly and consciously depleted you and your family to the nth degree. After Mom threw a glass it you, I take it nearly missing you, its steeled your resolve to go on with your plans and leave her in Utah for your sister to deal with.

You were initially very firm about it but then I felt you were losing your grip again and we're shooting somewhat and sure of yourself. This is what many call "waffling". The next time you feel like waffling, just remember the glass, get packing, tell the sister your dates, that you're not participating financially or otherwise, and don't look back. You can keep contact with your mom if she'll let you but be prepared for her had to be filled with negative things about you because of your siblings and other members of your extended family, what I think you refer to as "flying monkeys", although I don't really know what that means.
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Your statements to your brother and sister need to be STRONGER, with lots of "YOUs" in there...like, "That may be expensive, I hope YOU two can figure it out. Good luck with that!" Or, "I hope YOU can find a way to get her to WVA." Or "Good luck to both of YOU in getting Mom relocated." Make sure you don't leave it open with something like you wrote above, "I hope everything goes well." That's too open-ended for those two, unless you add, "for YOU."

I'm SOOOO happy to read you've found your inner steel and have decided you've done enough. You have! Let your siblings step to the plate. And if they don't, oh well...it's on their heads, not yours. Your mom can find someone else to throw things at - preferably one who's not pregnant.
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My mother DOES have a license, it expires 1/29/14. I was given it when she was relocated two years ago, it just so happens that my brother renewed her old one before she left. I refuse to renew her old one in this state, as she shouldn't even really have one. That's why my sister was pushing for relocating her before then.

Her throwing things at me is really nothing new, but she's never come that close to hitting me before and never with anything like a glass (usually books, or pencils). The nursing home promised to remove all breakable objects from her vicinity, but I still don't think I should be visiting when she is acting like that. I mean, really, what's to stop her from doing it again? Absolutely nothing. She would NOT pull this garbage with my siblings. Her fight that night was because my sister told her I was refusing to help with her relocation to WVA, I didn't take the bait and she got mad at me...as always.

I am always amazed that my sister doesn't mind calling my mom and random people to complain about what I'm doing or how my mom is being taken care of. Yet, she never calls just to check in on my mom. She never calls just because.

I'm ready to move and let my sister/brother handle my mom. I just need to come up with a few responses that won't let them think I am helping with it. My husband suggested: "Yeah, that sounds like it would cost a lot to relocate her either driving or flying. I hope everything goes well." I feel that still leaves the door open for them to ask us to help, so I haven't responded to any messages from them yet. I'll figure out what to say, so it doesn't make me seem like I'll do it in the future. I don't want them thinking I will help, and want to triple make sure that is clear.

Bringing my mother with us to GA would be akin to asking me to bring her here like before. It was horrible getting her set up here, and relocated here. Bringing her to GA on barely any notice and taking care of her while in GA, would completely destroy my family.

I really don't think it's much to ask them to relocate her themselves, as they had YEARS to figure this out without me. I'm not just dropping this on them suddenly. This is old news, and they should have gotten it done before now. I really really don't want to be stuck in a car with that woman.
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Wow Alysrian, looks like you've got your mind made up and that's a good thing! I should've said GA not TX in my post. So are you ready now to move away and tell your sister it is for her to work out even if she leaves you mother in UT for some time? I hope you can - it sounds very clear bringing her with is not the way to go for you and your family.
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AND NO your mother does not have a driver's license. When you have a stroke, you are forbidden to drive until an MD and the DMV clear you.
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DO NOT attempt to put her on an airplane. DO NOT be flying yourself anywhere if you are pregnant. Consider that right now your maternal hormones have you in overdrive. FORGET the wagging tongues, you are not abandoning her. She is in a SAFE place, a FAMILIAR place with 24/7 CARE. Let her stay there!!!!
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Ya know what? I'm almost glad your mother lost it and showed her true colors by throwing the glass. If that is what it took to make you realize you've had more than enough, it was a good thing.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children -- all three of them. Make sure that your husband is the most important adult in your life.

Breaking the dysfunctional family dynamics is not easy! If you need support, consider a counsellor. And/or, come back and post here often. We are on your side.

Stay strong!
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Oh, and before you ask why the sudden change in like a day...I couldn't really tell you what the snapping point was per say. It could have been my husband lecturing me, maybe it was the doctor, maybe it was my 7 yr old telling me she doesn't EVER want to visit Grandma, maybe it's the very obvious manipulation attempts to get me to do all the work for the relocation AND pay for it via my sister....or it could be the fucking glass of soda my mom threw at me yesterday. I'm pretty sure it was the glass.

I went to the doctor, then went to visit my mom for the week. She is obviously a horrible person, and decided to battle me. When she realized I wasn't going to fight with her, she picked up her glass and threw it at my head. I am truly amazed she came that close to hitting me. I'm also amazed she could even throw it that far (I was across the room).

The glass was the breaking point. I've had enough. I won't be visiting her anymore, and I refuse to put up with her antics ever again. I've had it with the verbal and now over the top physical abuse. This is exactly why I didn't want this to be long term, and I refuse to be trapped or trap anyone else with her in a massive car ride.

She wouldn't do this to my sister, who is the N in training nor my brother who is the Golden Child. Because I know she won't do it to them, but would to US...this is yet another reason for them to handle it. It's also why I refuse to visit with her, and will only call her every once in a while when needed.
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This is also not taking into account that my children are in SCHOOL. I will not be ripping them out of school for this relocation of her. We are leaving at the end of the school year. I will not force my children into such close quarters with her for such a long period of time, nor will I be the babysitter for her once we move. I'm done and fed up.
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I cannot physically travel until a month before we sell the house (March). I saw my doctor yesterday and she told me I can drive the kids to school, and MAYBE some errands but that is ALL. My doctor has written me a letter, which I posted on facebook to avoid any flying monkeys, that states I cannot travel. I also wrote that if anyone else was willing to help her be relocated, that'd be fantastic...but as it stands, MY family cannot do it. No one has even commented on it thus far, and I'm not surprised. My doctor also lectured the bejesus out of me for even considering relocating my mother myself.

I also don't see the point in convincing my husband to take her to TX? We won't be there and there is no family there either?

He's retiring this year and we are FINALLY moving to GA, after years of waiting. If I were to take her in the car with us to GA, not only will I have to continue to care for her...but I'll have to make that long drive with her in the car again. The trip from WA to UT took us 9 days last time, mainly because of her. It would take twice as long if we were to take her to GA, and there is no guarantee that she would have a place to go (I have not contacted nursing homes there, and where we plan to move it's really in the middle of nowhere.) Also, how is she supposed to fit in my SUV while I have the kids and no room in the car during a cross-country move??? I'm not making a special trip nor paying for it, just for her. This should NOT be my responsibility. I'm also NOT going to force my husband to take even more extra leave, and money away from us, when this should not have been my job in the first place. Why is my active duty husband, who is stationed in another state, even having to consider getting extra leave time and to do this...when he shouldn't of been involved at all? It was enough for us to take care of her for so long, now they want MORE? Not uh. I will not require my husband to do a special drive cross country strictly because my family is lazy. I offered plane ride simply because it could be done over a weekend, and even that might of been too much to offer.

(Also, my mother is horrible at traveling and required us to stop every 10 min to readjust her or get her things. She also screamed the entire trip at us for various bullshit reasons. We refuse to put ourselves in that position again. It was worse then driving through hell, and the main reason we said we'd never do it again)

I will NOT be leaving my children behind for my mom's relocation, nor will I put my own health at risk. My children don't need to be trapped in a car with her for so long. It's hard enough traveling with kids, let alone with her too.

The original agreement was that I would NOT be her long term caregiver NOR would I be relocating her. She was ONLY supposed to be with me for 3 months, and we delayed moving because of this. I am going to stick to my guns on this, as we really NEED to move (who wants to keep paying for two mortgages for no reason? we also pay rent on a room for him in TX). I am essentially refusing to be bullied into this. I am refusing to break what the original agreement was, for my own sanity and health. I'm not going to keep putting my family through this situation anymore. (Even my kids dislike visiting grandma, as she only yells at them)

Side note: My sister decided to quote me prices on the plane ride and driving. She has already started her attempts to get ME to pay for my mom's relocation, and still make ME do the traveling. I have not given in thus far, and told her that my family, health, selling the house, and moving are my priorities. She is not happy with me.

I will never make a trip up to WVA to help my sister with my mom's care, as neither of the siblings helped me when she was here (and only made it worse). As soon as we move, I want to wash my hands of this situation. It is not my responsibility to keep caring for her, when I never agreed to it in the first place. If my sister wants her relocated out of UT, then she needs to do it herself. I'm sticking to this, as it's only fair. I helped the first time and for several years, they knew this was coming. Time for them to do something.
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