My mother needs to be relocated to another state and I can't do it. Any ideas?


My mother had a stroke about 4-5 years ago, and she is paralyzed on half the side of her body. She doesn't like sitting up in a wheelchair, and says it hurts too much (even if she hasn't moved yet). She's also a not very nice person, and I really dreaded having to take her in (though my siblings love her to death supposedly). She's currently in a nursing home here, in Utah, and it was supposed to be only temporary.

She originally had the stroke in WA state. My brother was claiming that the nursing home was treating her terribly, and we needed to relocate her to WVA (near my sister). (I personally think after a year or two, he was tired of dealing with her) My husband and I nicely offered to drive out there, and relocate her to Utah temporarily. The nursing home in WVA was completely full, and we were trying to get her into one there. So, she stayed with us in our house for about 3 months before I put her in the nursing home. (It was too much to handle with 2 kids, and my husband being AD Army stationed in another state) This was officially over 2 years ago.

She was supposed to be relocated within those 3 months, but neither my sister nor brother made an effort to relocate her. Key note: When we offered to relocate her temporarily, we said we would NOT NOT NOT be the ones to relocate her to I have children and this is unacceptable for us to do. Both siblings agreed to this, as we had already done half of the trip by ourselves. (This first relocation caused a lot of rumors started by same siblings about how we stole money from my mom. My husband just wants to wash his hands of the situation, and I don't blame him)

NOW, two years later, I am 6 months pregnant with #3. We have been warning the siblings that we will be selling our house and moving to GA for TWO YEARS. They had TWO YEARS to relocate my mother, but now that we have the house on market my sister is suddenly jumping on this claiming that we offered to relocate her (no we didn't) and neither of the siblings wants to help.

My sister has offered a few unsavory choices thus far. She wants the relocation date to happen end of Dec or early Jan. My due date is Jan 3rd. I will either have given birth or be 9 months pregnant. I also am a HORRIBLE traveller. A car trip would take me easily 9 days to WVA, by myself.

The choices I was offered via sister was 1) My sister flies out to here, and *I* drive in a rental car with my sister, my mom in the back seat, to WVA. This means I would be driving back alone, and the time frame would be when I am 9 months pregnant OR having just given birth within the last month. 2) My husband, and I drive (9 months pregnant again, or just given birth again) solo with my mother and drive back. 3) My husband flies with my mother on an airplane and drops her off in WVA. (I stressed that whatever option was decided on, we will NOT be paying we paid over $1k to relocate her to here the first time, out of pocket) (Also, my sister says her husband will flip out if she does a "road trip" with only my husband, and my not being in the car...which I think is total crap and I don't feel I should be in a car doing a fucking road trip at 9 months, OR leaving my kids at home that long....FFS I might have a newborn at home!!)

I actually am not happy with ANY of the solutions. So far, though, since we don't want to abandon my mom in Utah...we decided to attempt to fly with her. I'm unsure of the protocol of this though. I've never flown with someone who is wheelchair bound, nor do I know what to do/say when buying tickets. (Also, the nursing home is once again refusing to sign off on her medical leave to fly...again...) My mom does have a license, but it expires Jan 19th, 2014. This is another reason why my sister is pushing for that timeline.

We simply cannot afford to pay someone else to transport her. My brother has completely washed his hands of my mom, ever since she left the state (he wouldn't even sign her out of the old nursing home). I can't even afford the gas to relocate her, OR plane tickets either.

Before you ask how MUCH my family has been involved, I will tell you. 0% I had to resign my mom up for medicaid, medicare, and fix her social security all by myself. It took 6 months just to get her medical records from the previous nursing home, even though my brother lives within 10min drive. When we originally relocated her, she didn't have a wheelchair. We managed to get her pretty set up here, and visit a lot... I had no idea what I was doing when she first got out here. It was pretty bad, and we are trying to get out of this situation. Once she's relocated, it will take a LOT of stress off our backs.

Does anyone have any suggestions when it comes to flying with a crippled person, or any other ideas in regards to relocating her? Another idea maybe? Also, am I just being hormonal when I think what my sister is asking of me is TOO much?

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Oh...when I say "WE are of the opinion" I don't actually mean anyone other then my husband, myself, the current nursing home, and the doctors here. The siblings think she is completely sane. I think she is batshit crazy.
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Ugh. Sorry, been dealing with stuff for the kidlets school, so haven't been around much lately.

What is the APS? What do they do? How do I contact them? Can I rely on them? Will they just make things worse? Is there some way to look up information on them? I assume they'd have one here?

The official age my mother had her stroke at is 48. (I might of did the math wrong. She was born in 1960, and had it about 4-5 years ago...) She did it to herself. She had blood pressure problems and refused to take her medication. We ALL warned her for months/years to take it regularly, but according to her it was too expensive. We even offered to help her buy it for her, but she didn't want "hand outs". Even when she did have the medication in her possession, she refused to take it. When it first happened, she was coherent and admitted that she didn't take the medication for well over 7 months. The initial treatment doctors have written in her medical records that the "cause" of the stroke, was her refusing to take her medication. (Funny thing, my mom has HIGH blood pressure but I have insanely LOW blood pressure. I always get a kick out of people telling me I broke their blood pressure machine, because it acts like I'm dead. Lawlz)

We are of the opinion that the stroke changed her mentally as well as physically. She never recovered mentally after the stroke, but now that someone is actually taking care of her full time (and cares about her) like this nursing home is...they started looking into her more "weird" issues. The current nursing home and it's doctors have decided officially that her dementia is a result of the stroke. So stroke first, then dementia in full force. It really was like opening the flood gates as soon as she was being taken care of for the most part. According to the siblings the other doctors/nursing home did NOT notice these issues (but the other nursing home was pretty I noticed as soon as she was in the car with me being relocated.

A flying monkey is a term that most people would use to describe a family member who inserts themselves where they don't belong and is acting on behalf of the person who is offended/insulted/upset by your actions. That was the best description I could find for you. I usually use the term to describe a random family member who I usually have ZERO contact with, contacting me with random made up excuses..then trying to turn it into an "attack" conversation. It's funny, because I can ALWAYS tell when it's a flying monkey. They start out all concerned and interested in my life (uh huh), and then random slide in a passive aggressive comment or a direct insult. From there is usually turns ugly, or I try to get off the phone as soon as possible.

We are not Chinese. Irish, German, French and English yes. I'm also NOT the oldest child, my brother is. I just happen to be the oldest daughter. Xian is a play on Zion. Something my niece came up with when I had full custody of her for two years (my sister was a teen mom, and I took full custody for the first two years). The entire name is actually from my niece, she couldn't fully pronounce my first name so it was always Aly. Zion was misspelled later on, and it stuck.

I've been focusing on ignore phone calls, keeping an eye on my mother, and dealing with the school junk. Parent teacher conferences are TONS of fun. So far, no word yet about the relocation...except a few calls from my sister and my flying monkey aunt (she tried to slide in the "well, we know you don't want her to be relocated" I had to set that to rights).
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My dad had a debilitating stroke when I was 18 mos old. Mthr force fed him baby food with a NG tube (before ports were invented) for 6 years before he mercifully died. Even though she was told over and over by the physical therapists to put him in a NH, she was the martyr and insisted she was the only one who could take care of him. He was trapped in a body and could not speak to complain of abuse. I can only think this is what would happen if your siblings were to get a hold of your mother.

My mthr stole my childhood by taking on full responsibility for a man who could not recover. Instead of bringing me up with fond memories of him, I remember filth and medical supplies. Don't ignore your family to sacrifice for mother and cause them to resent both you and your mother.
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You have certainly given enough explicit detail to demonstrate that your siblings have been relatively worthless and you stepped up to the plate above and beyond the call of duty.

I have some questions however that would fill in the blanks for me if you don't mind:

You've indicated that your mom is 44, was that a typo? If not, it is so young to have had a stroke. And what do they think brought it about? Was it the strokes that precipitated the dementia or do you think did you mention was already there as in early-onset case (still would be awfully early)?

What is a flying monkey? I guess I understand the concept from The Wizard of Oz novel, if that's what you're referring to, but how do you use it here?

You use Xian as part of your formum ID. Are you by any chance Chinese? If so, I'm just wondering if there is a cultural component to the caretaking of your mom. Just in case that's true, I want to point out that your siblings didn't take it to heart and it was really selfish them to put it all on you. It almost seems as if they intended to do that to you from the beginning.

Your mom is safe and being cared for. You must now be concerned for the health of your baby and well being of your family as you move away from this responsibility that you and your husband (and indirectly your children) have so generously accommodated.
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Call APS for help! Tell them that you are not financially liable for your mother, you have to move away, and you need their help to make sure she is taken care of some how. You need to make sure that you are not on the paperwork at the nursing home as liable for her over charges once you leave. You probably signed something that made you liable, and you will need APS to help you get off of that. I imagine they will work wonders to make the bills go down and for her to come out even at the end of the month.

The APS people deal with people who won't care for mom all the time. There is nothing shameful about having to live your life. It is more shameful to not protect your family from charges of abuse. I would go to TX and let APS handle your sister. I am sure sis will not mind letting the state take over. If she does, then she will come and get mom. Get out of the middle!

I know how hard it is to have a disabled parent who is young. In her right mind, she would want you to go have a good life! Sadly, she is not there right now, but it is still up to you to "do the right thing" as Dr. Laura would say, and have a good life and a good family.
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Your family members sound like a nightmare! All the more reason to step back and take care of yourself, your family, and your house. I'm a special education teacher and I'm always reminding myself and my associates not to get into an argument or power struggle with a person who is at the functioning level of a 2-3 year old. You can't win!
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Sigh...I keep forgetting details,and I assume it'd be better to get them all out now. My siblings fought with me about putting my mom in the nursing home for those 2-3 months. According to them, she was only supposed to be out in Utah for those 2-3 why put her in a home? After I reached the 2-3 month mark and nothing was being done, I started looking into the ONLY nursing home here in this town. I understand why they didn't want her to be in one again, as the first one was just a walking disaster.

The main reason I had my mom put in one was because she was hospitalized while in my care. The very first time the in-home nurses were in my home, my mom wound up being hospitalized due to their lack of experience.

We left her with one of the in-home nurses for 10 minutes, so the nurse could give my mom a shower (the only thing they had to do was bathe her and entertain her for an hour a week) and my mom had a panic attack in the shower (they put her in the shower WAY too fast, and my mom passed out). I was around the corner from the room getting shoes for my kidlet, and could hear them screaming her name all of a sudden. The in-home nurses didn't know how to preform CPR (I did it), and tried to snatch the phone from me when I called 911. While I was following my mom to the hospital, the nurses were filing a false report with the police about what happened.

Later the next day, after they filed a false police report stating numerous things that were false, the police investigated and actually said my mom had a sweet set up. Even the cops were pissed they were involved. I decided I'd had enough, that even if the nurses couldn't take care of her for 10 minutes without me...that I definitely couldn't take care of my mom at my house any longer (my own sanity and how was I supposed to drive the kids to school with her at home alone?). So, I put her in the nursing home that very next day and she hasn't been removed since (even though my mom wants to come back here....).

Here is a list of a few things the nurses lied about:

1- We feed her only crackers (She eats the dinner/lunch/breakfast/snacks that the rest of eat, plus Diet Coke with each meal. The cops even took pictures of her unfinished meal from the day before, that I never got to clean up. She was currently eating lunch before the shower, that consister of a banana sandwhich, gold fish crackers - her choice, and a salad.)

2- We never gave her a shower (Gave her a shower every week, how else did those nurses know how to put her in the tub? I had to TELL them how and HELP them do it.)

3- She was laying in her own filth for DAYS on end (She has a baby monitor set in her room, and jic she didn't ask to be changed...I checked every hour)

4- She's been here for 6 months (LOL??? What? It's been 2-3 at best)

5- She's currently dying in a hospital (Police didn't even know she had been checked into a nursing home and was absolutely fine. Even the hospital report said it was a stress/panic attack)

6- She doesn't have a wheelchair (Actually she does, and it cost me $120, plus a prescription from her doctor. So whatever.)

7- Her living quarters were a disaster! (Even the cops said that with having two children, that my house is fucking pretty damn clean. They took pictures of that too!)

That's just some of the things they lied about. The case was dismissed as soon as I allowed the cops into my home the next day (it was even reported to my husband's commanding officer in TX). The lead investigator even told me that it was complete nonsense and that I was doing a fantastic job with my mother.

Mind you, my mother weighs 250lbs easily (since being here she has lost roughly 50 lbs, so not as heavy as she was originally). I paid for these people to come to my home (out of pocket), and assist me with my mother and this was the fall-out from it. Granted, I had no idea what I was doing with a lot of it...but I'd never abuse my mother.

This is just ONE example of how things have gone down since she's been here. I haven't been accused of elder abuse since then, but that sure didn't stop the siblings from trying to start rumors about it later either (even when she was in the nursing home).

I'm just trying to paint the picture for you all, so you understand. It's been hell and back for my husband and I.
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Also, forgot to mention. My mom gets paid $957 from the social security every month and her nursing home bill is $950. She also gets charged $10 for haircuts, and other additional fees such as long distance calling. I pay for those out of pocket when needed, too. Basically, my mom gets just enough to pay for her nursing home and that's it.
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Oh and before you ask, those 2-3 months we had to pay out of pocket...started a LOT of rumors about how I was stealing my mom's money. These rumors were started by my sister, and involved a lot of flying monkeys. My dad (who is divorced from my mom) even called me about it screaming at me. Even after explaining the situation to everyone, and posting proof on my facebook (without her social security numbers or anything sensitive)...a lot of people STILL believe I just randomly stole all of my mom's money.

What people don't realize is that she showed up here with NOTHING and things COST. I have an itemized list and a massive folder of everything we have ever paid for. This mostly stopped the rumors, but I would not be surprised if they were to start up again, or if people still think I am stealing her imaginary money.

I was receiving about 60-70 phone calls a week about this. It stopped last year, around mid-Aug. Thank god. I changed my phone number and it was a huge sigh of relief. (Before you ask, I even dared people to call social security/medicaid/medicare and report me if they thought I was truly stealing her money. No one ever called)

We were never repaid back for any money we used on my mom, as everytime I'd finally get some of it back...we'd have to use it for something new. THIS is why I started working. My husband and I were having problems paying our mortgage, and the entire time we are - people are flipping out about how we are stealing my mom's money. Huh?!

So yes, if there weren't rumors about my mom supposedly being rich before she came out here and us stealing her imaginary money (she didn't even have $5)...then it was that we were treating her horribly. Now, it seems like WE are the reason my mom can't be relocated. It will always be something.
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For the first 2-3 months, and for her relocation, we paid for everything out of pocket. That included buying her a new wheelchair (previous nursing home stole almost everything and has since been shut down due to their "practices"), driving 3 hours to/from the social security office to set up her social security/medicaid/medicare, clothes (had none), medication, food, in-home nurse, diapers, etc. I have a complete list of everything we have EVER paid for out of pocket for her.

She does receive social security checks NOW, but for the first 2-3 months it was never set up nor was medicaid/medicare. I had to start from scratch and get everything set up for her manually. When she was relocated, the previous nursing home turned everything OFF. Meaning, as soon as I checked my mom out to relocate her, the old nursing home called and cancelled EVERYTHING. (There is even a missing social security check floating in the wind, that I don't know how to claim for my mom)

Currently, I only pay for extras such as toothpaste and anything else the nursing home/medicaid/medicare refuses to cover. When my mom had issues with her lips, I paid $150 out of pocket for her cold sore medication (they wanted 10~ different types but didn't want to have the doctor write a script for some reason). I recently also paid $226 for a dental visit, as medicaid/medicare REFUSES to deal with her teeth at all. They consider that a "perk", even though she arrived with a mouthful of horribly degraded teeth that all need to be removed and dentures made. I also paid $152 for her initial eye exam.

The teeth and glasses were two months ago, and the reason why I was originally working to help pay off some things for my mom. I was working 3 jobs before I was forced to quit working last April. I needed to make sure that we could still pay bills and help my mom. My mom put us in debt $2207.50 for just her major expenses those first few months. Now, I spend ~$50 on frills for her (chips, candy, soda) and sometimes have to reach into the money I saved from working for random things (ie teeth, glasses). That money has now officially run out.

As per my mother's age, she is 44. There are rumors that she is going through early onset dementia that was never diagnosed by the previous nursing home. The new nursing home and doctors are claiming that it is most likely due to them blaming all of her signs/symptoms on the stroke instead of investigating each and every "new" thing that popped up.

The nursing home refused to do EFT because they didn't have a way to take it, ie no credit card machine. They JUST got one (2 years later...) about a month ago. So, I can have them just enter in my mom's information or call and have them manually charge it now. Before then, I was having to get money orders or cash to pay them and get a receipt. (We live in the middle of nowhere, so I'm not surprised certain places are behind on technology...even if it was a hassle).

I did receive a passive aggressive flying monkey call about 10 minutes ago. I made sure to inform them that I was not in charge of my mom's relocation and that my sister was. (This is going to open the door for questions as to where my mom's money has gone, because everyone assumes my mom gets a ton of money...when she barely gets enough to cover the nursing home) I ended the conversation by saying that I was on bedrest and trying not to get involved, but that it wasn't up to me. My sister is pretty much just looking around for someone to pay for it still (and admitted this to me today after the phone call from flying monkey).

Why am I getting APS involved before I move? Should this be something I inform the sibblings about? I'd rather just wash my hands of all of it. That sounds harsh, but I can't even get myself to visit my mom anymore and I *really* don't want to deal with anymore drama coming my way...from anyone.
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