Elderly Mom needs a break but won't take one. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Elderly Mom needs a break but won't take one. Any advice?


Taking care of Dad with dementia, Mom talks about how hard it it. We listen and help as much as we can. Hardest part of helping her is when we offer to one stay with Dad and others take her on an outing like to a movie or visit someone etc. so she can have a break. We ask ahead of time and try to think of things she likes but she typically hems and haws and in the end cannot decide to go. Not a new behavior on her part, but I'm about to give up asking her. Any ideas?

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think you got it; way it is with hub's aunt and uncle - I'd go stay like that but there are other issues, others that she wishes would but....so...
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Another thing is how would Dad do if Mom were out? In the last months, my FIL didn't leave my MIL but to run to the store because it made her anxious. She was on O2, had had valves stick and he was the guy who watched it as closely as she did. Once he showed me how to do all the O2 devices (C-pap, etc.), he started to relax and let me help. But it took a bit of time for him to feel I had it. Maybe spend some time with them observing what might be the hold up. Maybe go over and hang out with Dad while she takes a nap. And maybe she's so tired and overwhelmed that making any decision is impossible.
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Sometimes caregivers feel so much responsibility for their parents, wife or husband that they feel guilty just being away. FF speaks to that issue; I too have been through it. I suspect your mother feels that way and feels so responsible she's afraid to leave him alone.

Although I have no proof, I suspect there may also be the feeling that since she's done it for so long, no one can provide a substitute for her. It's not an issue of being conceited, or thinking that she's replaceable - she's just become so used to it, knows his habits, strengths, and weaknesses, and might be afraid that someone else might not see these and might make some mistakes.

Is there any way you could take your father too?
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Your Mom is probably afraid to leave the house to do something for herself, it's the "what if" something happens to Dad if I am out.

I run into that with my aging parents who still live under their own roof, and me under my own roof.... I am afraid if I go to the movie or order a meal out that the phone will ring and it's Mom saying that Dad fell once again in the back yard trying to do yard work at 93. I am their life line, so to speak.
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