Dolphin, before you make this move, tead some of the threads on here from folks who've moved in with parents with dementia. They range from sad to tragic.
Think hard about why you are doing this. As rainmom says, do you truly have nowhere else to go? Are you hoping she'll be nicer to you than she was in the past (she won't). How are you going to support yoursrlf? Do you have outside caregivers lined up? Do you have POA for finances and health? Is she generally a cooperative and easy going person who trusts that you want the best for her?
Caring for a person who has dementia is a huge job. Doing it 24/7 is like having 3-4 huge jobs. It's extremely stressful. I would exhaust all other options first. I would figure out what she needs, which you say is around the clock care, and locate a place that can do that. Then figure out how she will pay, such as private pay, long term care insurance, Medicaid, etc.
Dolphin64, are you willing and able to work 168 hours a week? Like Sunnygirl mentioned above, you will be working 3 shifts a day, with no rest. As your Mom progresses with her Alzheimer's/Dementia, you will be lucky to get 2 or 3 hours a sleep at night. Note that 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind their loved ones, those aren't good odds.
If it comes to a point that either you or Mom has no choice but for you to move in, make sure you put together an employment contract where Mom pays you for being her Caregiver. If she cannot afford to pay you, then sign her up for Medicaid and Medicaid can pay for her to go into a continuing care facility. Or Medicaid can send someone over to the home for a couple hours each week to give you a break.
I see by your profile that you live in California, check with the State about resources as California has some good programs.
You will ruin your own physical and mental health if you move in. It's hard enough supervising and making the care and financial decisions. This can and does go on for years and takes it's toll.
How did the responses above me assumed that the mom had dementia or alzheimers? All i read was that she needed 24 hour care. Anyway, to the OP if youre going to care for your mom and you never got along with her, separate your feelings you have of her and get as much respite as you can to prevent from caregiver burnout. Sign mom up for adult daycare so she can be watched while you work or take a break. Check with moms insurance if it covers it or pay a portion of it.
I would suggest you go see a shrink because your thinking is way off beam. If you didn't get along before the move will magnify the problem tenfold and then some. Trust me I do know....I did this and didn't think it through. 5 years on, no help and rare respite has left me very very old before my time and don't think ANYONE will thank you they won't - and unless you are wonder woman it is going to be a dreadful road. Sorry but you asked
caregiver75104, the OP's profile says her mother has dementia.
My advice stands, whether Mom has dementia, cancer, mobility issues .,. or any other illness. Don't do it!
If for some reason it is imperative and there are no alternatives, your idea, caregiver75104, of arranging lots of respite is a good one. Better, though, not to get into that situation in the first place.
Do I think mother and daughter should never live together? Absolutely not. I've seen it work wonderfully. The key here is that OP and her mother have never gotten along.
Oh dear God,, she has not come back.. maybe because we all think the same thing.. RUN AWAY My mom does not have dementia yet... but she is getting a bit "slippy",, and dad's ALZ about killed us all at the end.
My 94-year-old mother has essentially no short-term memory, and she lacks "executive function"-- which means she never initiates an activity herself, and depends on me to help her with essentially everything. She has lived with me since she retired 30 years ago. It's just the two of us. Her cognitive issues began about 5 years ago and have slowly deepened. A lot of the time, I'm able to separate our life-long issues as mother/daughter and just do what needs to be done. (I'm 70 for heaven's sake.) Other times, it really gets to me and I rant/rave. That definitely doesn't help. When I calm down, I try to think about what happened and come up with a way to make it better. But I can't always make it better. She's an intellectually stimulating, funny, combative, narcissistic, manipulative person who's brain is letting her down. Our lives are intertwined, and I need to make the best of it. Maybe that's your situation, too. The answer isn't always obvious or simple, and it sure isn't the same for everybody.
I'd second what others have said DO NOT DO IT. Mum and I do get along and it was too much for me in the end (5+ years). I can't imagine what it'd be like if you don't get on
RUN RUN RUN !! Don't do it. My 74 year old mother loves to say shes my toddler now ... she thinks its HALARIOUS .....I don't find it funny at all, I raised my kids I DONT NEED a 74 year old toddler !! My mother doesn't care about anybody but herself and if that describes your mom, then you have just entered the gates of He!!......get ready for a long painful ride.
Can you explain your decision to have her move in w/ you? Sometimes it can work and all the things you didn't see eye to eye on when younger aren't important anymore, I know lots of people shared negative experiences (which are sadly very real), but for every bad experience in caregiving there is a good one - you have to decide which outcome you are looking for and whether it will work. Give it a try, call your local Area on Aging and find connections for caregivers in your community and focus on how your mom parented you when you were young If it was positive and loving, then push all the old stuff to one side and give it a shot. You can always find a place for her if it doesn't work out, but keep an open mind and open heart. Talk to the doctors, nurses and mostly listen to her and watch her as you care for her. Good luck - keep us posted on this thread. No matter what you decide you can see you have come to the right place for unconditional support and honest answers.
Just thought I'd mention that I've been caring for my mom by myself for 15 years - 36 hours a day, 7 days a week. My mom has dementia and while it is not easy, it is doable if you have the will. It is a marathon, not a sprint. If I had listened to all the people who say "don't do it" I would have regretted it. Make your own decision. Up to you, your will, stamina and situation.
My mother drove me crazy most of my life...I was my father's child. But after he passed and my mother was alone in a (scary) memory care unit with dementia, I brought her to live with my husband and myself. I was dreading it but it seemed the right thing to do. It is not easy taking care of someone with dementia but the experience has been very positive and special for us both. I have forgiven my mother for all and have learned to treasure her smiles and occasional comments of "I love you". In turn, she adores me and knows that I am her primary "go to" person. After a lifetime of not appreciating each other, we are now mutually happy with the arrangement. Now, she is in hospice so I get much appreciated help daily but, when she passes, I will be proud and grateful for our time together. Do what feels right to you!
Don't do it! My 86 year old mother doesn't suffer from memory problems and caring for her is still very difficult. I moved back to my hometown to help my parents out. Dad died sooner than expected and even though I have my own apartment I have to stay at mom's to look after her and spend the night because she's afraid to be alone. I'm doing the best I can but it's at the expense of my own mental and physical health. I'm trying to figure out how to break the news that it's time for her to go into assisted living. She can afford a nice senior assisted living apartment for 4 or 5 years. After that she will be at the mercy of the Medicaid system. With her health problems I don't expect her to outlive her money. But back to it, don't do it. I've tried to be a good daughter but nothing I do is right or good enough. I feel like a child again with my mom telling me everything to do. Listen to everyone's advice. Don't move in with your mother!!!!
Sounds like guilt trip nanny is full steam ahead. Like everyone else has stated, do this only as a last result and then rethink it again. Why would you move in with anyone that you have never gotten along with to surmount more stress on your life. If she has the money to pay for help, let her. If she doesn't, contact Medicaid. She made her bed, make her lay in it. You have no obligation to reinsert yourself back into that situation. You got out once, stay out for your own peace of mind. Speaking from experience.
Don't do it! A person's character flaws intensify when they get older. Why would you subject yourself to abuse. Call dept. of aging in your area for help. Perhaps they will assign a Social worker for her.
I mostly agree with thinkmthis through, or be prepared to change the situation as needed. You didnt say if you and your mother are still at odds, or if you are near her geographically. It could be that shes more tolerant now? You could stay for a week and test it out. My mother and I fought tooth and nail daily when I was growing up. As adults, we get along, but she was always tough and pretty intolerant of things. Now w dementia, she's much more pleasant. Smart still, appreciates all the help, very understanding of everyone. Its like the compassion part of the brain came on. Am not sure yet if I will decide to take over more of her care, but seems the right time to do so for a bit.
Here's another take...if you really need to do this for financial reasons, yours or hers, then think about it. Make sure you are not having any expectations of her that she won't be able to live up to or your relationship will just disintegrate even more. Don't have any delusions about her being grateful for your help and then "she will finally love you". I moved in with my mother that I was never close to and we get along worse because her passive/aggressive behavior that had been directed toward my father is now directed towards me...because I am now, by necessity, the authority figure. Instead of loving me more, she resents me for being in a position of having to tell her what to do. I hate it too, but I have to do it for her own good. I'm taking good care of her, but I'm unhappy and angry a good part of the time. I signed up for this but never thought it would go on this long...now 7 years! Her dementia is now really bad and her short term memory is down to less than a minute. It's more difficult to take when you aren't feelin' the love. No one can tell you what you should do or what you can do. I just keep telling myself that God said He would never give me more than I can handle, but some days, I have my doubts. So, my advice is to figure out how much you will be able to have patience for. I'm in burnout stage with no patience left.
Please do NOT do it! For a parent you get along with it is bad! For one that you do not is a nightmare. Please, find a care center that accepts medicaid if you can't afford private pay care. Tour the facility. Sit down with their social services representative. Discuss the issue honestly. Trust me...they have heard it all before!!!! You will need to make arrangements for her to move into a place where you can visit her. Trust me...she will hate it and you for being there just as much as she would as if you were not getting along at home. But, at least you will have some respite. You need to think of yourself....do not feel guilty for doing this. Take it from those of us who tried our damnest to try to take care of our Mothers at home. Nothing you will be able to do will be right. The stress will be horrible. Being woke up in the middle of the night because she hears people downstairs having a party. Or because she sees the TV cable crawling around the room like a snake and she had to tie it to the leg of the bed to stop it. Please....you will second guess yourself no matter what you do. You will cry and hate everything you try because of what is happening to your loved one. My Mother and I never got along but I visit her and keep telling her how much I love her and I know that even tho she is disappearing into dementia, she knows. And, at least, she is taken care of and we have somewhere to rest in between.
I have to disagree with TerriH and others who are quick to day "dont do it". Every situation is different - you have to decide whether this is something you can manage with your mom now. Old stuff may not be a problem - not getting along is based on many factors. If she needs you there may be less strife that you think. I managed to care for my mom in my home for 16 years - it was not hellish nor did I cry and hate. How you deal with things you are faced with are up to the fact you can control how you handle 'life" and what your true personality & temperament is when faced with caring for someone. You will not know unless you try. If you go in believing it is going to be hard, it will be. If you go into it with an open mind it may or many not work out - but you will be at peace with the fact that you realistically tried and saw it was not in either of your best interests to have you as her primary carer. Just give it a try - line up some support while you are doing the trial and remember you don't have to be perfect - it is the same as being a mom - no manual comes with babies or elders - but we love them anyway.
Think hard about why you are doing this. As rainmom says, do you truly have nowhere else to go? Are you hoping she'll be nicer to you than she was in the past (she won't). How are you going to support yoursrlf? Do you have outside caregivers lined up? Do you have POA for finances and health? Is she generally a cooperative and easy going person who trusts that you want the best for her?
Here is the key phrase: "Her and I never really got along."
Just don't do it!
If you are having difficulties about where to live and how to support yourself, address those needs.
Mom needs 24/7 care. Address her needs.
But trying to come up with a combined solution to both sets of needs is not going to work.
If it comes to a point that either you or Mom has no choice but for you to move in, make sure you put together an employment contract where Mom pays you for being her Caregiver. If she cannot afford to pay you, then sign her up for Medicaid and Medicaid can pay for her to go into a continuing care facility. Or Medicaid can send someone over to the home for a couple hours each week to give you a break.
I see by your profile that you live in California, check with the State about resources as California has some good programs.
If you've never gotten along before, you'll literally be at each other's throats if you move in and become dependent on her for shelter.
This is a bad idea. Rethink it over, now.
"Dolphin64
"I am caring for my mother, living at home and the primary ailment is alzheimer's / dementia."
My advice stands, whether Mom has dementia, cancer, mobility issues .,. or any other illness. Don't do it!
If for some reason it is imperative and there are no alternatives, your idea, caregiver75104, of arranging lots of respite is a good one. Better, though, not to get into that situation in the first place.
Do I think mother and daughter should never live together? Absolutely not. I've seen it work wonderfully. The key here is that OP and her mother have never gotten along.