Follow
Share

He is in Charlotte, NC, she is in the U.P. of Michigan. He's declining quickly. I can only imagine the sorrow, as I also lost my son when he was 24... but some of you who have been through this, please share..... thank you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Excellent..... it is true. She will forget within a few hours, and it will have done no good for her to know. I forgot about the aspect that if she hears about it again, it will be like repeating the pain all over again. I think this is great advice. Thank you so much.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I vote NO (not that I get a vote! : - )) I am guessing that he is not a regular visitor that she would miss seeing. If your Mom is like many folks with dementia, she will either obsess over this news or immediately forget and (possibly) need to be retold. Truly, there isn't much she can do! Even when my Mom mentioned my Dad who had been gone 30+ years, I never mentioned that he was dead. I said he was at a meeting or working late. I'm more for keeping the seniors calm.
As an aside - - - a friend's mom had dementia. When her husband passed away, they brought her to the services. She would walk up to the casket screech in horror and cry uncontrollably. The family would lead her to the back of the room and calm her down. This scene repeated itself over the entire visitation period. I wouldn't want to put anyone through this angst. I'm sorry about your Mom and brother. Sending hugs.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hi Jocelyne -

Sorry to hear about your brother's illness. How bad off is your mom? Is the dementia such that she will not remember if you tell her about him? If so, it might be better not to say anything. Here's my reasoning behind it: my uncle (also lived in the U.P. - small world) had dementia to the point where he didn't remember anyone in the family unless you explained who you were - then his eyes would light up with recognition and he would talk to you animatedly - for all of about 5 minutes. Then his eyes would dim, and he would ask who you were again. When my father died (his only brother), we insisted that he be told. We didn't live close by, so a cousin who was caring for him did it for us, but told us they didn't think it was a good idea. I wish we'd listened to him. He told our uncle that his brother had died, and of course, he was very sad. Then he forgot and would ask about his brother, or say, "I haven't had a letter from him lately, I wonder if he's ok..." - and then he would have a brief moment of clarity and say, "Oh...he died, didn't he?" - and then he'd feel the loss all over again. It was very, very hard on him.

If your mom's dementia is such that she won't remember from one day to the next what has been told to her, I wouldn't tell her. If you feel she is still in her right mind enough to understand and deal with the grief, then you'll need to decide if this is the right thing to do. Just my personal experience and opinion, but I don't see the benefit to telling them something that can only cause them repeated pain when they forget and have to be told again and again.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter