Mom moved out. She pushed me to the edge. Any advice?

Listen to me my friend, you did what you could for your abusive mother. You are not responsible for her anymore. You are to be responsible for only you, your children and your husband or any other person who will hold you up and respect you. Shut the door. It's ok if you're done. I'm there as well. So I get it.

This is not YOUR problem. This is your mother's problem.

What you do is you say "mother, you can't possibly live here. We tried it once and it didn't work. You'll have to make other arrangements".

Give her the number for Adult Services in her area. Then shut the door firmly.

Don’t take her in. She’s not your responsibility!! Tell her NO!!

O please don't take her in. Set her up in a cheap motel for a couple of days. Tell her she needs to go to Social Services Monday for help. They will find her someplace.

You can forgive her but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse or keep a toxic relationship going. You mentioned that she sounded intoxicated. Don’t be shy about calling her out on it. Say something like “I know you are my mother but I don’t have talk to you while you are drunk and treating me like shit. I’m having none of it”.

Let her say whatever she wants, you need to protect yourself from her.

She can't say anything that can make you lay down and let her walk on you.

People tend to get mad when we hit the nail on the head.

Stay strong and don't worry about what she says, it is all just manipulation to get her own way.

Great big warm hug and strength!

Stick to your guns.

You are no longer her scratching post.

Okay, so you're rude, SO WHAT!

She is just trying to guilt you into taking her in, DON'T DO IT!

my mother just showed up at my house . She says I’m rude because I told her I don’t want her here. I don’t know what to do

You are now teflon. Nothing will stick, ever again.

Keep up the good work.

My advice is to say some really nice stuff to yourself before falling asleep. Set your own dreams in motion, you can control your dreams with good thoughts. imo.

First of all, you are NOT stuck forever. It just seems that way. You have been conditioned. It takes time to break cycles.

Stay strong and don’t allow her back into your life. It didn’t work before and you know that it wouldn’t work now.

Best wishes to you.

I just reread ur previous posts. I read where she was an abusive parent. Forgiving her doesn't mean u forget. You can say "I forgive you but I want nothing to do with u". I have forgiven an exfriend but I no longer want to be part of her drama.

If ur ever contacted by an agency like APS, tell them u were abused as a child. That u have chosen, for ur wellbeing, to back out of Moms life. That ur sister has already done it and cut off contact with even u.

Don't feel guilty. Your Mom doesn't. Your family comes first.

Stuck,

We are behind you 100 percent! You have to do what is best for you. It’s a process. Things never get ironed out overnight. Ask this forum how long it took me to see the light! Mom lived in my home for 15 years!

I will forever be grateful to my therapist and this forum because I was so wounded that I became blinded by my situation. I deal with PTSD and scars but you know what? We can live with our battle scars. Scars won’t kill us. Slowly but surely I am getting better. You will get better too.

I know that I made the right choice to surrender my caregiving responsibility for my mom. The weight of the world is off of my shoulders.

Do I grieve for my mom since she now lives elsewhere? Yes, I do but I don’t miss the agony. I don’t miss the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the guilt of not being perfect, etc.

I grieve mostly for the dreams that would never come true, the dream of me not being able to fix a dysfunctional family.

I do have concerns about this thing or that thing just as you do. In other words, all of the awful ‘what if’s?’ Follow me here, please stay with me...NONE of those things are what is most important. Know that you did your very best to remedy things. They did not respond properly. I went through so much guilt saying that I failed.

I had a fabulous poster on this forum, Lealonnie who pointed out to me that I had not failed. She probably doesn’t realize how much her statement helped me heal but it helped me tremendously! It was the first time I did not see myself as a total failure.

So I will pay it forward by telling you what Lealonnie so wisely told me. You have no reason to feel guilt. You did not fail. You are not failing now. You can’t completely control what happens when you are a caregiver or afterwards. Does that make sense to you?

I’m only trying to share what truly helped me during my struggle. It is a struggle. We go through a range of emotions while healing. I recognize that.

Some move through the stages faster than others. It doesn’t matter if we creep along at our own pace. We can’t rush how we process all of this. We just have to keep moving. Keep going. Keep building our future. Don’t give up.

Oh, the other important thing that Lealonnie told me when I complained that I didn’t get the ending that I wanted was, “It’s an ending! That is what matters the most!” Wise words, right?

I sincerely wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. You deserve it! 💗

I feel the same way about my mother. I have not spoken to her for 8 years, and have no intention of ever doing so. I am done with her toxic behavior and abuse.

Stick to your guns, work on you...I also have PTSD because of all the abuse she laid on me over the years, since I was a child. Therapy helped me, I hope that it helps you too.

Wishing you the very best!

Don't even allow her to visit. They may not come back to pick her up. Your husband needs to say sorry visiting either way is not going to happen. Tell him to block the calls and your kids too. Can't stress out if u don't know they called.

Yes, take care of yourself. You owe Mom nothing. She has made her bed. If sister can no longer care for her its up to her to find a way out. Do not answer the door if Mom shows up. Call the police. Tell them she is abusive and u will not allow her back into ur home. You have children who are effected by her abuse. The police will have to find a temporary place for her.

If u get called saying she is seriously ill, say ur sorry but there is nothing u can do for her. Their are people out there that will get her what she needs. I was a worry wort. Found it didn't help to worry before something happened.

Unstuck4ever, please don't let them keep you up at night.

You gave it a shot and it didn't work out. You can't do more than that.

They are probably sick of her garbage and trying to create an opportunity to dump her on you. NO, NO, NO! You and your family do not deserve to be a scratching post for her. She showed you who she is, believe her.

You don't have to welcome her in to your house because they show up. You can say it is not a good time and close the door with them outside. If she is hospitalized she is in professional care and there is not much that can be done, a visit, well if you are not physically well then you can send flowers and a card.

Please get some help to turn off the worries about what could happen. Decide what you will do when things happen and let it go. You matter and this is obviously tearing you up. You don't want to become a statistic.

Another update, I got really sick. Started 1/4 and I’m still hurting. I’ve been diagnosed with diverticulitis. Doctors told me to minimize stress and change of diet. I know all this stress caused my body to FINALLY break down. I worry still of her showing up at my door or worse yet, what if I get a call saying she is seriously ill. These two things keep me up at night but I know if I let her back I will be miserable again.

(UN)Stuck4ever!!! Yahoo!!!

I am sorry that you didn't get a loving mom, but you can have the family you desire. Your children and husband and yourself can be that family. Spend your energy being that family.

Hugs!

Happy Holidays to everyone. Hope it was blessed.

Since my last post, my mother has contacted me again. Left a message and multiple texts. I chose not to listen to the VM. I was brief with my response in text. I have also decided to block her and my sister. They ruin my days and I am finished feeling like crap. I wish had had that perfect family but it wasn’t in the cards for me. Thank you for reading

Stuck,

Listen, I am now going to call you, “Unstuck!”

Unstuck,

As far as the comments to make you feel guilty goes...

My mom told me, “I would have NEVER spoken to my mom the way you have spoken to me.” She thought it was make me feel guilty. All it did was infuriate me! I promptly told her, “Of course not, mom because grandma didn’t treat you the way you’ve treated me!” My grandma was a sweetheart. My mom was nothing like her mom. My mom has a mean streak.

My mom was lovely in many ways. She really was. We had issues and then became very close but moving her in with us brought out her true colors. She always wanted me to take the blame for everything. I am not proud of all of the arguments. She brought out the very worst in me.

We can be pushed to the limit or as my husband says, “hit our threshold of pain.”

Stuck,

I feel your pain! I cared for my mom in my home for nearly 15 years! I swear I must have had temporary insanity. It’s terribly hard. It’s exhausting. It’s infuriating at times.

It was the worst mistake of my life. Destroyed my relationship with my mother. Placed stress on entire family. I would never do it again.

Let her be. Let go. Take care of you now. Hugs!!!

Stand your ground, I am sure the 5 months filled with abuse when she lived with you, were proceeded by a lifetime of abuse.

5 years ago I decided I would not spend the holidays near my mother. I was done in by the constant criticism. I would rather spend Christmas Day alone with a book, than a toxic person.

Just tell Mum, "No, you are not welcome in my home over the holidays." Then hang up.

Take this holiday for yourself and don't feel guilty. Decorate, bake, cook and have those people who make you happy around. Have no one who brings negativity with you. Mom will be spending her holiday with her Sister.

You don't have to pick up the phone and u can block Mom.
Or tell her " sorry Mom, I need a break from you. I want to enjoy the holidays and it seems we just can't be together without fighting. So, enjoy ur holidays with Aunt."

Ahh, the "I'm your mother!" card. Classic.

Yes, she's your mother. She birthed you, that's nice, but respect is a two-way thing. You can't be abusive and cause chaos when you live in someone else's house. "I'm your mother!" is not a pass to crap on her children. It's plain disrespectful and arrogant to treat anyone like garbage and be ungrateful, yet still expect them to house you and take care of you.

Leave her alone and makes sure she leaved you alone. You can't help her and she won't change.

I'd WRITE all that great advice down in a letter and mail it. Old fashioned snail mail.

Just talking to my mother or MIL is pointless. They both have some level of dementia and that has sadly caused their underlying basic nasty personalities to get worse. Mother can and does fake it, MIL doesn't even try anymore.

I HATE the holidays. I love having my family around and all that--I just get sick from anxiety of trying not be a "pill' as my DH says. If he only knew how sick to my stomach I get just being in the same room with his mother. Mine too.

20+ years of therapy and somedays I don't think it's helped a single but--but I will probably always be a 'wounded bird'.

DO NOT take your mother back. Help place her in a NH if she has overstayed her welcome at her sister's. Nobody gets a pass on rotten behavior just because they are a relative.

I'd work through things as you go through therapy. You have the right to be happy, safe and a duty to make it civil and safe for your children. I would say do what you feel comfortable with. And, if she makes you uncomfortable, then do not entertain her in your home. She doesn't seem to be able to conduct herself appropriately for whatever reason. She may need to work on that and build trust over the next few years.

Also, I'd be curious as to what has transpired since she moved in with her sister. There may be trouble over at her sister's and she's shopping around for another place to stay....sorry, but, I always examine ulterior motives. lol

I'm very suspicious of statements like "I'm your mother" or the insidious "We're family. Family is supposed to care." Those saying those things are the ones who are the "culprits" (for lack of a better word) or the ones who aren't doing the caring.

The recipients of such statements are invariably the victims or those who'd be expected to do the caring (you). Well, the victims of these statements are a daughter (or son) and they're friggin' family too, yet their needs are cast aside. That infuriates me! I had a PTSD meltdown caused by extreme long-term stress, not caused by sweet Mom but by my Twisted Sisters.

Be strong, stuck4ever. You're on the right track. Stay with us, dear. Here at AC, you matter and we got your back.

Stuck4ever....im so sorry for all you are going thru because of your mom. Please listen to the advice that the wise women (and sometimes men) on this site provide to us. They have been thru hell and back trying to care for family members. read the answers, then read them again.... whatever it takes to get your life back....not just for you, but your husband and children....they should be first in your life, not your toxic mom. Google FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.....then hopefully that will help you see you have been conditioned all your life by your mom. Speak with your therapist on how to create your boundaries and release the guilt you feel. Sending healing blessings your way!! And hope you can truly enjoy your holidays without your mom.

“.......feeling like a kid....” is probably the worst possible point for managing a relationship with a troublesome parent.
If your mother was introduced to you as the quarrelsome, difficult, hostile uncooperative mother of someone whom you loved and cherished as a dear friend, you would probably feel comfortable holding such a person at a distance, nurturing your friend through her discomfort in dealing with her mother, and objectively managing your reactions to her with a dispassionate and very limited approach.

SO- YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO BE THAT FRIEND TO YOURSELF!

In your place, wouldn’t even consider trying to talk or explain or even acknowledge any of the painful treatment you have experienced in the past. Knowing going in that she will pull the guilt card whenever you get near the truth, don’t give her the reason to do that.

Guilt is unwholesome to be controlled by, and downright disgusting to use as a motivator. DON’T apply it to yourself when she attempts to spread it.

Enjoy YOUR family holidays, and if you and your therapist believe there is an advantage TO YOU to embraceANY connection at some point in the future, do it ON YOUR TERMS, AND ON YOUR TERMS ONLY.

You have been given the gift f realizing that she triggers you but she can’t if YOU ensure that she can’t load the weapon.

May this be your best and happiest holiday season EVER.

You say she won't take no for an answer. Well, you have to amp up you answers until she hears.

"Mom we tried having you here and your actions ruined it. You are not welcome in my home because you don't have the courtesy to treat me or my family with civility and you ruined our peaceful haven with your nonsense. You are not doing it again. You are never welcome in my home, ever."

One time my mom and stepdad were planning to come visit and I was just sick with worrying. They think perversion is how you talk, interact and live. I don't want that kind of garbage in my home. So I tell my mom that they are welcome to come, but only if they leave their filth at home. She gets all pissy, are you telling me you don't want me in your house. Yep mom, I am saying that you have to behave and keep your husband in line or I don't want you in my house. Whew, she went nuclear, oh well mom, you did this not me.

Well she finally calmed down and she said that they were coming. It turned out to be a pretty decent visit and we didn't have to listen to their filthy perverse mouths.

As you say, you worked for the house, she is not entitled to it, she is nor entitled to ruin your home for your family. You are a mother now and your first responsibility is to your family, not her.

I would block her number in my husband's phone and then consider how to tell her strongly enough that she understands that she screwed up both chances, her 1st and last.

Oh, who cares what others think about what you are doing. Let them take her in.

Edit: age usually only magnifies what they really are. Time doesn't change character and the way the tree leans, is the way it will go. You know who she is, trust yourself and what you know about her. No guilt, you gave it your best shot and it didn't work. Happens every day. You can do this!

Stuck, the fact that she thinks that "I'm your mother" is a trump card is a very clear indication that in her book, being a mother is a role that is all privilege and no responsibility.

Do NOT pick up this guilt card. Say no and mean it. Come back here for support if you need it!