My mom moved in with us 5 months ago after she fell at her house. She refused to go to rehab. Help me!

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She has a personality disorder. Not so fun growing up with her I am the only child, I am now almost 63. She is 86. Dad died 8 years ago. She has gotten worse since my dad passed. I'm just expected to do everything for her, I guess like my dad did. She sits out on our back porch and smokes and rocks back and forth and rubs her hands on her legs almost all day. She has no friends, dislikes her sister and she will not go to a senior center to meet any friends or would not ever consider assisted living. When her grandchildren and great grandchildren come over she mostly ignores them. Yet when they are not around she talks of how much she loves them. I don't think she has dementia because she has always been distant. I feel trapped like when I was a kid sometimes. She can stay alone for a few hours. She has a life alert. I miss my husband . We use to go out all the time. When she is not on the porch she is sitting in what ever room we are in. She never takes a nap and doesn't go to bed until we do. I feel bad about complaining because so many people are much worse off. I can't help it I'm so sad. Oh, she also has macular degeneration. I shower her, clean her false teeth. Clean her poop in the bathroom. Dress her. How did she get by since the 8 years my dad has been gone. He never did any of this for her. THank you for letting me get my feelings out. I tried to explain them to her today but she just said that her and my dad never went out so what's the big deal.

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Really feel for you and a bit grateful that my own mum is not like this. But I agree get her help and get out and have a life and definetly bounderies we cannot look after them 24/7 with no help its not possible it will destroy you and your marraige if you dont get your life back. Gosh im single and make myself take break for my own sanity.
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Thank you all so much. Your words meant a lot to me. Now I feel like I am understood. Sylvia it seems we have a lot in common. I need to muster up some courage. You all are right. It is our house ( husband and me). Thank you. I am going to read your answers again.
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It kinda sounds like you might be dealing with some dementia. The only reason I say that is looking back now I have to say my mother was always distance and in her own little world. My dad did everything for me when I was in high school, she was a homemaker but was never involved in anything with her kids, including school.. And my mom refused to go in the daycare at first too. My sister drove her there and made her go and she ended up loving it.. Good luck to you, best wishes.
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What is keeping you and hubby from going out? Mom can be left alone for a few hours, right? So why aren't you spending a few hours out together, like you used to?

"Would not ever consider assisted living." Hmm. So where would she go if you don't keep her with you? I am not suggesting you throw her out, but she needs to realize that you could. That she is in your home because you are allowing it. You could decide to stop allowing it. She has a mental illness and I think you need to make some allowances, but you need to set some boundaries, too. She isn't the only one who gets to decide what she will and will not consider.

It is good of you to provide the help she needs, but make sure you aren't doing things for her that she could be doing for herself.
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You say your Mom has always been distant but it doesn't sound like you have taken her to a Neurologist to find out if she has dementia/Alzheimers. You did say she has a personality disorder. At her age I have a feeling she is just waiting to die like so many other individuals, she is locked inside herself and sits and "thinks." I remembered my grandmother when you explained her sitting and rubbing her legs and smoking on the porch....I had forgotten that vision of my grandmother.

She may also be afraid about the macular degeneration, because she is basically going blind. She is losing sight in different areas of her vision....sometimes they can lose sight in the center and other times on the outside area. Wherever it is, it is frightening to think about the fact that you could be blind very soon. I would be scared if I was in her place too.

It sounds like she has come "home" to you to take care of her until she dies. She does not feel confident or comfortable being in her home or she would have already insisted on going home.

If she is eligible for Medicaid then I would hire in home help to care for her or if it is just too much to handle put her in a nursing home or facility to be cared for. Tell her you love her, but you are not able to handle the level of care she requires.

This is a very hard decision to make but you do at least need help. I do agree that you should have a date night with your husband although I know your ultimate wish is to return to the way it was before Mom came to stay.

If your Mom should have a mental problem you will also have to understand that they will always say NO to everything, you have to take over and you need to obtain her Power of Attorney, so you can make decisions for her LEGALLY.

Best Wishes and God Bless You All!

Basically, you would really like to have YOUR LIFE BACK, and I do not blame you for one second. I too would love to have my life back, so I know how you feel.
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How much money does she have? Just social security? Make her (make her? Ha!) pay for respite aides so you and your husband can go out at least one night a week. Tell her you are going to a motel to have sex so the noise won't disturb her!!!
As far as going to the senior center, get her into the car and just take her there. Talk to them beforehand so that they can come out to the car and invite her in. She might be embarrassed to refuse or to act up in front of strangers.

When she says what's the big deal, tell her it is a big deal and that's the way it is. Tell her your husband will divorce you if you can't go out together, and you owe HIM obedience, not her.

I'm so sorry your mother isn't a nice person. I want to know why she's still alive and my sweet mother isn't. Good luck to you.
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Oh, my. This sounds terrible, Skyzonnie. Do you know what type of personality disorder she has? She almost sounds like she is on the autistic spectrum if she has always been so separate. I don't have any advice, but much sympathy. I know you wish she would go to sleep sometimes so you wouldn't be on alert all day. I'm glad that you can leave her alone for a while. It does sound like she is totally dependent, though, since you have to help her with her hygiene. I hope someone else has some good advice for you. It seems to me there are only two options -- to continue caring for her as she becomes older or to find a nursing home. I know that the decision has to be one that your family makes. It is a tough one to have to make.
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Dear Skyzonnie, It sounds like you have to set some boundaries with your Mom. She is living in YOUR house - YOUR rules! Get her ready for bed at an appropriate hour so you and your hubby can have some alone time. Do not give her a choice about this - tell her this is how YOU want it. "Time to get ready for bed Mom, it's me and Hubby's quiet time". She may put up a fuss at first, but be consistent and she will get used to it pretty quick.

You said she can stay alone for a few hours and that she has the Life Alert bracelet. Establish a "date night" for you and hubby. Again, leave no room for argument. You could probably give yourself at least 3 hours to start with. Perhaps a phone call to check on her at that point. Once she gets used to the routine, you may be surprised when she says she's fine, no need to rush.

Also, you said she expects you to "do everything for her". I am sure that there are things she can do capabley and safely on her own. My 92-y/o Uncle tries to play this on me - I don't allow it. I do enough for him. If there is something he can do on his own, I tell him " Uncle, you know how to do this. Go ahead and do it, I have something else to do now" - and walk away. Try not to allow her to lose all her independent skills.

You are doing everything humanly possible to care for her in YOUR home. So don't let her rule your life, or you will end up a prisoner in your own home.
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