94 year old mom moved in. What can I do to get my brother to see she’s not safe and needs 24 hour care?

While you're researching an AL placement, you can take steps to address the problems she's experienced:

1.   Clear pathways in the rooms she traverses, pushing chairs, etc. to the side but available if she need to fall on them.    What kind of floors are in your house and your brother's house?

2.   Upgrade from a walker to a rollator, or ask one of her doctors to script for a wheelchair.  You can get both at a DME supply store, or if I remember correctly, wheelchairs can be delivered to the home by a DME supplier.

3.   Ask one of her doctors for home PT, OT and nursing care.    That can help immensely.

4.    Your brother doesn't seem to be focusing on care, but do try to get him to realize that fall proofing the home is a top priority if you do decide not to go with AL, and even until that decision is made.

5.    Is your mother cognizant enough to make her own decisions?   If so, and she can benefit from AL, then brother's focus on the money is his problem, not hers or yours.   If she's executed either a POA or DPOA, who are the proxies?

Let him do what he wants. He will eventually get burned out with caregiving and then something will be done.

Your mom actually has the final say, what does she want?

I am sorry for your loss. Try to remain strong during this difficult transition for your entire family, especially your mom.

Momswithus

So sorry for the loss Of your dad.

Your brother is not totally wrong. Your mom will fall, regardless of where she is. Old people fall, especially it seems, once they start it continues. In a facility she might have someone to pick her up quicker.
Your mom has been through a lot. Losing her husband and now moving twice. Each time you can expect a decline. Is she receiving medical care for the falls?
She may qualify for home health care which would get her a weekly nurses visit and help with baths.
Assisted living sounds like not enough care. Of course, extra care can be contracted for. She would probably need a nursing home. At any rate, a needs assessment would be beneficial for her to make sure she is getting the level of care needed and get you and brother on the same page.

Hi thank you for an answer. My brother has wood flooring at his house. When she was here I got her a rolater she was using that I also got her safety rails for the toilet and grab bars my brother has them now. My mom is sharp there’s no problem with that. But she’s very weak and can’t stand longer than a few seconds or a minute. He came and picked her up when I was told him I was searching for assisted living. I’ve lived with her a month I know she can’t be alone and it’s a struggle. We have 3 dogs that may bite I’m not sure if having a nurse or aid is a good idea here. So she’s with him. I wish I could get him on board. Mom doesn’t want to go to assisted living I think she’s telling him that. Every time I speak to him he talks about the money from her house how it will be gone. I’m not speaking to him. It’s a mess I’m so stressed out I’m getting sick over this.

Maybe your brother is looking at the money, maybe he's looking at what mom wants?

Nusing Homes are not all what they seem.

Patients fall, brake bones and die in them.

Lover ones are much happier, feel more loved and much better off living with a loved one.

You can help brother fix up his house to be more safe for mom.

No throw rugs to trip on.

No clutter to trip on.

Keep a Light on so mom can see going to the bathroom.

Have a bedside toilet so she won't have to go so far at night to the bathroom.

Install a hand rail by the toilet and in the shower.

Have a shower seat for her to sit on.

Have a camera installed in her room so you can watch her at any time 24 7 from your computer or cell phone. I use Nest and it was pretty easy to install.

Hire a Caregiver to help out a little.

Give brother a break watching mom once a week.

Prayers

The only thing you can do if you truly feel mom is unsafe and you can't convince brother otherwise is to contact your State's elderly services division, or APS. You tell them you feel your mom is at risk and they will then investigate. This may create a rift between you and brother, but so be it, your mom's safety comes first.

If your brother wants to take care of your mother, why not let him? Maybe he's OK with 24 hour watch...and your mother might feel better too.

Who has POA? Falls can and do happen in AL and NH. If mom cannot safely use a walker then it is probably time for a wheelchair. What does her doctor say?

You stated that your mom is sharp mentally so the decision is up to her. She is allowed to make poor decisions as long as other options are available to her.

If your mother is falling and bones get broken, she probably has osteoporosis - thinning of the bones from a faulty "bone-making mechanism" in her body.

If she is unsteady on her feet and refuses to use a walker or ask for assistance, she will fall again. Staying with your brother or being in a facility will not change this fact. Usually people with osteoporosis break bones easily and don't need the trauma of a fall to do so.

I would suggest the best course of action is to have her evaluated by a doctor. He/she can order tests and treatment to diagnose osteoporosis or other health issues that concern you. He/she can also order physical therapy to help you mom strengthen muscles, learn to use a walker or other assistive devices, and train family members on the best ways to assist her. It would be helpful for several family members to get this training.

If you visit your mother and see evidence of neglect, you can call the authorities to intervene. If your brother is caring for your mother well, you will need to find peace with this situation.

I may be totally wrong here, but I thought the "spending down" of a person's assets allowed them to retain some things, such as a home and car, etc. I'm sure someone else on here knows all about that. But I do think that needs to be looked into before the decision is made about your mom going to assisted living.

Well....If brother thinks she can remain with him safely let him care for her until he realizes that she is not safe in his home either.
Then you can both sit down and discuss what Assisted Living or Memory Care facility you will find for her.
And you are right..she will fall again. It will depend on how bad the fall is if she fully recovers or not.

Yes, she will fall again and will have more bathroom accidents, etc. She may already need more care than is provided by Assisted Living.

My daughter has worked in NHs. She says "they will fall". Whether in an AL or NH they will fall. To be honest, if Mom was in a NH she would be wheelchair bound. Mom was and she got around better than your Mom. The AL Mom was in the Nurse had her down as needing to walk with a walker. Lots of times I was there and Mom was not using her walker. She fell 4x in 4 months.

Just need to say rollators are not for everyone. They tend to get away from some people and some aren't strong enough to put on the brake. I would ask a PT what they recommend.

You can get a Dr. to order PT/OT. This can be done every so many months. If Mom has money, brother can hire someone to give him a break. Her money need to be used for her care.

I think what you need to do is be there for brother. He will find that caring for Mom is a 24/7 job that he is not capable of doing. It may work if you work together.

Medicare does cover the cost of Durable equipment. So do some secondary insurances. But things like wheelchairs and Hospital beds may be rented. If so, they may need to be returned once not needed anymore. Check this out with the company u order from.

Pls be aware as many aren’t aware of this but assisted livings don’t provide the assistance you would think and won’t be a solid prevention to her falling ( especially considering how expensive they are makes one wonder what the assistance is) you would have to hire an outside person to be a individual assistant to her by her side to ensure as much as possible she doesn’t fall.

You have gotten lots of good advice on helping your brother keep her safe. However, if you still feel that a facility is needed, I suggest discussing the difficulty of emergency placement with your brother. Carefully exploring options and getting her on the waiting list for your preferred facility is much better than having her in the hospital and discharging her to whoever has an open bed.

Your mom needs assistance when walking. My 98 year old mother walks with her walker with 2 of us with her at all times.Your mother should never be walking alone!
Assisted Living will not prevent her from fallin Sghe will need more care than they can provide.

Assisted Living is not 24/7 care. There may be meals available, laundry service, checking to see if the your mother has taken medications, perhaps some help with specific, scheduled activities like bathing. There would be someone who could call 911 if your mother had an emergency or was discovered to have fallen. No one is there to help with walking, toileting etc throughout the day or night. If she needs 24/7 care, she needs Memory Care or private-duty Aides you hire to be with her 24/7.

Falls are the number one threat to seniors' lives. Your brother's already counting his inheritance, so I'm sure he's not going to worry too much about them.

If she's that unsteady, a nursing home would put her in a wheelchair. That's what my mother's place did after her first and only fall, and while I wasn't thrilled with the idea, it turned out to be the best call. She didn't protest the decision for a moment, and she lived an additional two years there in much better shape than she was in after falling and getting 28 stitches in her forehead.

We'd all love to blame someone when an elder falls. We'd also like to think once we send them to Assisted Living the falls will stop. Both are inaccurate; it's nobody's 'fault' that an elder falls, and AL isn't going to ensure your mother stops falling, either.

My mother has fallen 78x while living in AL. In fact, she started falling BEFORE she went into AL, now that I think about it. Today is my 12th anniversary. The day I got married, my parents were here for the event, having flown in from Fl. Mom was in a BOOT on her foot after having taken a fall in the bathroom of her home. She was taking Ambien, got up to use the bathroom, fell asleep on the toilet, fell into the tub and broke her foot. That was the first fall I knew about.

78 falls have happened since I moved them out here in 2011. They moved into AL in 2014 and the falls started in 2015; mom has neuropathy so even with a walker, she had poor balance, plus she hated to follow rules of any kind. So the falls started and it wasn't the ALs fault; she'd refuse to use her walker, or ask for help getting on and off the toilet, etc. She broke a few ribs and some sternum bones but we didn't find out about that until she was hospitalized later on for pneumonia and a CT scan revealed broken bones in various degrees of healing. She had lots of PT, nothing helped. She moved into Memory Care in 2019 and became wheelchair bound so I thought, phew, the falls will stop now, thank God. Nope, I was wrong. Since then, she's taken 38 more falls which weren't due to negligence on the part of the MC, either. They did everything in their power to help stop her falls, she just doesn't follow instruction and has very poor muscle control, etc.

No elder is 'safe' anywhere; not in their children's home or in AL or even in a SNF. Falls happen. It's not your brother's fault, much as you'd like to blame him, so I'd stop doing that if I were you. Once your brother gets tired of caring for his mother at home, which is no small job, he may change his mind about placing her in AL. As far as you worrying yourself sick goes, there is nothing you can do to prevent your mother's journey from playing out the way it's going to play out. Why ruin your own health in the process? Go over there and visit with her every day for a few hours if you think that will help her and you relax a bit. That's all you can do.

You can't save your mother from her fate; you can't change your brother's mind about what he wants to do with his mother's care, so do what YOU think is right about visiting her at your brother's house. Then let the rest of it go. Every time the phone rings and I see that it's my mother's Memory Care ALF, I get a knot in my stomach wondering 'what now?' but knowing there's nothing I can really DO about any of it anyway, you know? So I say a prayer that God watches over her and leave it up to Him to do so.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of yourself now.

Assisted living will not prevent a fall, nor will a NH. Assisted means she can manage on her own most of the time. There's no 24/7 eyes on her care. Even a round the clock NH will not stop the fall if she continues to try and walk without someone being there to assist. Even with assistance, if she goes down, she goes down.

If you can talk brother into just a few hours of care for her - especially if he leaves home during the day - that will be your best bet. Plus, at least she still has the drive to be active. Hate to say it, but that will diminish quickly in a short staffed NH facility. They are not going to come quickly, or even in a reasonable time, for her to get to a bathroom when she pushes the button. After an accident or two, she will be slapped into a diaper and she will eventually be brain-trained to use the potty in her diaper. I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

MomswithUs: Imho, there may be no way to change your brother's mindset. Perhaps your mother should be seen by her physician to determine the cause of her falls; even so, there may be no solution, but it's worth an appointment with her physician.

PleAse stop look after mom like she did u. I know it’s tough . Please call on God for prayer. In the meantime, while she’s at ur brothers u get ur exercise, eat right and breathe. I applaud ur brother most ppl give up when they have to live other than there home or with family. I know mom worked someone should hire someone to come over a few times a wk or u 2 work together as a team. Once parents are gone that’s it. So be a blessing to them. Once u get old u will see for urself what goes around comes back. If u have adult children believe me there watching just what u do and when ur turn comes they will treat u accordingly true facts. Just do your best. Not be brutal just honesty. Please listen to my favorite pastor Charles Stanley on YouTube or go to intouch.Org. God Bless!

who has the POA? that would be awful for your mother to be in pain if she falls again but he doesn't want her in AL or better yet NH. You could contact adult services and let them know the situation but your brother might get angry about that, so not sure how to tell you how to handle. you could also contact office of aging and see if they can do a visit (if your brother would allow it), to see how she is and what their recommendation is. Is your brother home all day to take care of her? if not, who is? wishing you luck.

If she is now living with him he will see for himself soon enough. As long as she stays there he is soon going to come to the conclusion you have and then it will be a decision on assisted living or home care and as 24/7 home care is considerably more expensive than assisted living he will probably agree with you on that one. Try not to stress over it -siblings often don't agree, but if both have tried living in the other's shoes disagreement can quickly vanish. Relax during the period she is with him - he won't allow harm to come to her, but he may be on the phone quite quickly.

Key points to look at is bathroom problems. Then falling. problems. She will be safer in a home n thats priority verses money. I hope your brother eventually figures this out. She will be to much for him to take care of. After to many falls with my mom n her walker n bathroom accidents it was tine for her to go somewhere. I hated to make her leave her home but safety comes first.

Ugh. Call APS. Financial abuse of a dependant elder is a thing. Can her assets get put into a trust? Then there is no spend down.

Talk to your brother and give him a choice. Either he can bring in homecare services for your mother at his house or you will be forced to call APS because your mother is an at-risk elder. Make him understand that if they come on the scene neither one of you will be getting a choice about anything because they take over.
I've worked for elderly people who lived with family and were in decent and safe enough environments. Then some jealous sibling who thinks a brother or sister is getting more than they will, or some nosy neighbor with nothing better to do with their time calls APS. Then there's nurses and social workers by the dozen in and out of the place. Then comes the surprise 'pop-in' visits you weren't expecting. God help the person who ran out to their car for a second and left the elder watching tv alone. APS will find any reason to take an elder out of a private residence and put them in a nursing home. I have seen this happen. They will find any reason. They can insist that an entire house be renovated in order for the elder to "be safe" when there is no need, and they know full well many people can't afford to do such a thing. The elder gets taken out of the family home and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Who knows was arrangements the nursing home racket has worked out with APS in some places?
Show this post to your brother if he doesn't believe you and thinks it can't happen. It can and will.