Mom misses me and sister is frustrated. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mom misses me and sister is frustrated. Any advice?

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My mom and I have been living close if not together from time to time for about 20 years or more. I was her caregiver for the most part however she was doing pretty good but declining. She had to move from Florida to Illinois as I was unable to care for her anymore (long story). She tells my sister daily she hates it there and wants to move back. My sister and I tell her daily she cannot be alone and she doesn't have enough funds to live on her own anymore. My mom wants me to come there and live and it pulls at my heart to hear her say how much she misses me and cries. I know it has only been 6 months and I am trying very hard to be firm like my sister asks me to. I stopped calling but one day a week just to see if that helped and according to my sister it hasn't. I feel bad as i am not sure what I can do to help my sister deal with this. According to her she is badgering her husband and daughter as well. She is on anxiety meds and we are looking to get her on anti depressents. My sister has decided that my mom should go to an adult day care, I thought my mom would be thrilled because she always complains she is in the house all day. However once my mom found out it will be an ALL day thing she is refusing to go (probably because of naps and bathroom issues) She refuses to wear the tennis shoes that my sister bought her which is a requirement to go to the daycare. My mom cannot be left alone as she let in a few strangers so we finally told her daycare or nursing home that is it. I am heartbroken as I am torn between the love of my mom and sister and I am trying so hard to help my sister as she is fed up already and gets very upset with my mom. There are three of them against my mom. I am not sure how I can help my sister so she doesn't burn out! (she has a very high power job that she works about 60 hours or more a week as well) P.S. I know a lot of you are going to say go up there an see for yourself and I will as soon as I find a job and a place to live.

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Your mother is craving social interaction, an Assisted Living Facility would get her lots of company. We finally got Mom to agree to a one month trial and she loves it, has reconnected with people she hadn't seen in years. We still see her weekly, but she is never in her room, always busy with friends.
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The best way to help your sister is to support her decision about adult daycare or nursing home and try to encourage your mother to agree to the better option of daycare. Your mother is in no condition to call all the shots in her care. Your sister is trying to compromise a diificult situation. Give her your support until you are back on your feet and able again to help in your mother's care.
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Please don't feel guilty. If I may make a comparison, the first year a child begins school can be extremely traumatic. (that was my case as a child anyway). Your mom needs time to adjust and it sounds as though she has two extremely loving daughters that are doing the best they can. She is a very lucky woman in my opinion , don't beat yourself up ok ?
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Difficult situation, I agree with Jeanne. I also want to add that going up there can make it worse, she will want to return with you.
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How awful for your mother! I see from your profile that she has dementia, and she just can't grasp her new reality. How awful for your sister! She is giving up a lot and doing her best and yet she hears over and over again her mother's preference for you. How awful for sis's family, to have MIL disrupting their old routines and lobbying to move. And how awful for you, caught in the middle of all this.

I know that you are venting. If I might throw out a suggestion -- get behind the day care plan and tell Mom that is what you want her to do, too. Sister can work with the facility to start Mom out on half days. When she settles in and is reassured that her naps can still work and they are very good with bathroom issues, transition her to a little longer time, until she is up to full days.

I would not have kept my sanity if my husband (dementia) had not spent a few days a week in an adult day health program.

Having Mom gone some can help reduce the tension in the household. It will be good for Mom. It is either that or a nursing home is a reasonable choice to give her. Help your sister stay strong on that!

(I am not going to say go up there, unless it is really want you want to do. You deserve a life, too.)
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