Mom may have dementia, and I don't want to live with her.
Hi,
My Mom hasn't been diagnosed that I know of, and possibly had a ct scan, but told me everything was okay but I don't know. One of her sisters thinks she has dementia or alzheimers. She has worked with alzheimers patients, too, and my grandmother, her Mom, had alzheimers. I wondered myself in early 2021 if my Mom had dementia. I had a weird incident with her, and she left me a voicemail saying I did something I didn't do. She calls people too much, too, and repeats herself. She has kept bringing up her mortgage for over a year. She also called one of my nephews at maybe 1:30 in the morning, and had no recollection of it. My aunt tells me things, and some of the things she has said about my Mom have been that she didn't know which lane to get into when driving. And that she only drives to her place. My aunt takes her shopping, but my aunt has a heart problem, and my Mom said she got shaky, so they apparently had to cut a shopping trip short, and my Mom didn't get everything she wanted or needed. My aunt said that my Mom doesn't have caller id, but talks about numbers she sees as if she still has caller id. She's talked about her weight; like as in her not weighing enough, and not gaining weight. She said though that she gets things that don't require cooking so hopefully she won't cook. According to my aunt, she called her once and maybe didn't know what was going on at her house-as in my Mom's house. She also told my aunt that she went to some place she told her to go to, but my aunt hadn't told her to go there. And she said she banged on the door. My aunt said it was some place they went to or something when they were kids. My aunt gets stressed, and again, she has a heart issue. I live over 2,000 miles away, and I have two sisters in the state my Mom lives in. But it doesn't sound like they're much help. And they aren't easy to talk to, and I don't want to talk to them-I don't like them, especially one of them, but I'll somewhat talk to them for now at least for my Mom. My aunt has talked about how alone my Mom is basically. She has a friend across the street from her, but that friend has heart failure. I'm not a person on my Mom's file at her doctors, so they wouldn't tell me anything. One of my sisters lives a half hour from our mom. She does have her own stuff like depression{I've had suicidal thoughts and circumstantial depression myself, but that would be better at least if not for problems with my ex who I still live with for now; but that isn't the only thing I'm not happy about}, and my sister has a husband, kids and grandkids, work, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. And feels she has to do everything but it doesn't sound like she's doing much at all lately regarding our mother. I understand and know that she has her own stuff, and so do I. Aside from what I mentioned, I have been single too long and want to find someone again, and for my life to get better. While I realize it's not all about me, I have feelings and wants and needs, too. I have thought about moving back to my home state, and getting my own place. I don't want to live with my Mom. No one is asking me to. But I would help her what I could but yeah, I don't want to live with her. I call her, and I sent her a Mother's day card. I don't get home much, and can't afford to right now. I am about to finish certification for a remote job. Oh and regarding my Mom, she also may have used a credit card too much, and hopefully my aunt will get it from her. I don't think I'm horrible for not wanting to live with her. Unless I'm not good for not doing so in case something awful happened, and could have already. She seems normal for the most part when I talk to her.
If your Mom does NOT have her documents done, then that probably needs to be done. That is not going to be a trivial job.
Since you do not have POA, you run the risk of doing something, then someone getting pissed at you and undoing all your hard work, while you are ridden with the anxiety. Don't go there.
Definitely, do NOT move in with your Mom or your Aunt, should they talk you into moving closer. Yes, it might save on expenses, however, your mental health, your ability to have boundaries and any available time will be gone.
The other part I'm not clear about is, is your Aunt calling you just to vent or does she really want you to take action? If she is calling just to vent, then just take it in and empathize. If it becomes too much for you, look into counselling services for your Aunt. If she is calling you to take action, tell her you can not and will not take action because you are not the POA.
Your Mom does sound like she has some kind of memory issue. There is a type of old-age memory issue where one is incapable of making decisions. It appears that this can be eating into your Mom's self confidence and causing paranoia on top of the forgetfulness. You don't need to have an official diagnosis to take action. When was the last time she saw her PCP?
Maybe your sisters are not helping any because Aunt hasn't requested their help.
And....I would not be so quick about being the POA. I'd talk to your sisters about it first. Family members can really be a pain to the person who is the POA. If your sisters and you are on bad terms, you getting POA without talking to them is just a road to trouble. If you and your sisters are on bad terms, see if you can find a mediator or therapist who can help you plan out Mom's care with check points before you get POA. Basically, you are looking for the equivalent of a child support agreement, only this one is for an elderly person.
I do sense your Aunt is feeling that your Mom's condition is too much for her to handle. I totally get that. However, if she is the one with the POA, then she is the one who has to figure out your Mom's future. Maybe that is what she is trying to do, in a round about way. She doesn't necessarily need to give up POA, she just needs to figure out how to take care of your Mom and maybe, that is what all this discussion is about.
Is managed care an option? Does your Mom qualify for Medicaid? Maybe managed care is the best way forward for both your aunt and your Mom. If that is a possibility, then maybe your Aunt needs help choosing a facility.
P.S. If your Aunt is POA for your Mom, who is the next person named if your Aunt becomes incapacitated? Who is POA for your Aunt?
Just venting because my aunt called and left me a voicemail. She had called before, and I didn't call her back. She had wanted my mom to get an apartment, and my mom told her she raised her children there or we grew up there-I forget what she said exactly. And my aunt asked where are her children now. Today, on her voicemail to me she said nothing is getting any better there and that she needs a lkt of help from all of her children. Meanwhile I can't make my sisters who are in that state do anything, my aunt knows I called about some of my mom's bills and I'm willing to be her power of attorney. She knows I'm over 2,000 miles away too and I'm still going to try to visit her in December. It may really be a "fun" trip for me. My aunt's voicemail honestly pissed me off.
Until the flying monkeys sign off on their interference, there is nothing you can do except call APS and tell them a vulnerable adult is unsafe in her home.
You can’t afford to visit or move and I don’t see anyone offering to pay your bills.
You are out.
You say that a previously supportive friend has now suggested that you owe obligation to your Mom.
To be perfectly honest, life is chock FULL of nuts who have an opinion.
You need to listen politely and then do your own thing. The opinions of others is no way to run your own life.
I apologize if I added to the problems between you two.
Perhaps more regular conversations between you and your sisters, focussing on what's going on with mom and how you can divide up tasks, even at a distance, would be useful.
Is mom on Medicaid,? Does mom have the resources to pay sis for the tasks she's doing?
Without those 3 things
1. You have no idea what condition you are dealing with
2. You have no power to discuss what is best with professionals
3. No one has any power to act.
If mom refuses any of the 3, you simply tell Aunt that all of your hands are tied, Mom is uncooperative and only the authorities will be able to make mom move into care.
It's as clear cut as that.
"Mama should get a complete physical to rule out anything else that may be going on that could cause dementia symptoms. And it could be helpful if someone filled out HIPPA paperwork with her and put our names on it. Mine, yours and Elizabeth's or anyone not on her file. Then we all may be able to schedule Dr appointments for her, and talk to her Dr. She did tell me she's looking for a new doctor, though.
And it could be good if someone was power of attorney for her to make sure her bills get paid but it would be up to her who that would be. If she has a appointment while I'm there in December, I could take her to it. I'm only gonna be there for a week then, but I thought of trying to be there on January 3rd if she had a eye appointment then but I know you said she doesn't have a eye appointment scheduled. I could get a power of attorney form, too."
Her response:"Your really big on telling me what needs to be done when you or no one else for that matter has lifted a finger to even offer to try to come here and try to help me with anything. For your information she has had a physical. She has seen her family dr twice in less than a year. I'm trying to work a full time job plus overtime take care of a grandchild on my days off and do Dr's appointments. I don't even have time to go to my own."
2. Mom needs to put you all on the paperwork so that you can talk to the doctor. The form is called HIPAA and your sister should help mom fill it out.
3. Mom needs to give one of you POA so that her finances can be monitored and so someone can pay bills in an emergency.
Start there.
"Yeah there's this stuff about my mom and sisters, and I have other crap, too." Your response to me.
There is a reason everyone lives near Mom and ur 2000 miles away. There are enough people where Mom lives that someone needs to find a solution to Moms problem. If Mom has a Dementia, she cannot live alone. If no one there is willing to do the care, Mom needs to be placed. I can so see why u do not want to live with her. But it will be hard to have ur own place and have her living alone.
I am still over 2,000 miles away but sometime I could come live with my mom, but I still don't want to. Yet, from what I've been told by my aunt, I can't say she should be living alone and in some ways, if someone did go live with her, I would be the best person to do so. This is because of how much one of my sisters was working, but I don't know how much she's working now.
Also, the other sister is married, and right now, I'm single but I don't want to stay that way. I wanted my life to get better, and I want a life. My aunt has told me things like, you can see my mom's ribs, her bills weren't getting paid, she forgets her pin at the store, and that my mom said she stuck her finger in a hole in her tv, and the tv lit up? Plenty of my mom is still "in there"-I talk to her. Not sure about going there one day and trying to get her placed somewhere. I couldn't have my eyes on her all the time though even if I lived with her.
So sorry ur going thru this. I often wonder what my brothers would have done if I weren't even alive. One lived 7 hrs away, the other 30 min.
From what you're saying here, your mother most certainly has dementia. You say she seems normal to you when the two of you talk. That's called 'showtiming'. It means a person with dementia can pull it together for short periods of time and seem totally fine.
They're not though.
You say your aunt has experience with Alzheimer's/dementia. Take her word for it when she says your mother isn't fine.
Please for your mother's sake and the safety of everyone else on the road, no more driving.
Your mother is not your aunt's responsibility. So what may be mistaken as guilt-tripping from your aunt may actually be resentment and fear. You say you have two siblings. The three of you need to get together and make some decisions for your mother.
If none of you are willing to, then one of you can call APS and put it in their hands. I will tell you straight speaking from 25 years of caregiving experience. APS isn't going to do anything until there's a crisis. Communicate with your siblings first. There are many options which do not include you moving in with your mother. The three of you need to explore some.
Your Aunt is really trying, in a passive-aggressive way, to lay a guilt trip on you.
You live a long way away from mom. You don't have POA for mom. You have a life and a job where you live. Just what, exactly, does your Aunt expect you to do about this situation? You might want to ask her just that, get her to lay her cards on the table, so to speak.
While I can understand her concern for her sister, the calls she SHOULD be making, if she feels her sister is not safe living alone, is to APS. That you said in a response "she doesn't want my mom taken far away" speaks volumes to me. Your aunt wants you to come and live with her sister so she doesn't "lose" her sister to a facility. And your aunt has figured that of all of her sister's children, you are the one most likely to do just that, for whatever reason that may be.
Next time Auntie calls up, tell her that, while you love your mom, you're really not in a position to be much help from this distance, and you have neither the means mor the desire to move "back home". Your home is where you are living right now. Then tell her the only way you **might** consider helping out is to find an appropriate facility close to you that mom could go to, assuming that 1) mom is amenable 2) mom can afford it and 3) if mom ISN'T amenable, then whoever holds POA will get her declared incompetent and force the move. That will probably stop the phone calls from your Auntie, or at least reduce them somewhat.
I'm sorry, but I get really aggravated when I see guilt trips disguised as "information sharing". I dealt with this nonsense from my own aunt, and it's a definite trigger for me.
Keeping up close family connections can be great, can bring good support both sides. Sometimes the sharing of news is just that. Sharing of daily news & worries. Waves going back & forth.
But some share their news peppered with little 'hints' to find help. Little hooks. Others throw great big ropes to hopefully lasso your ankle & drag you into their world.
Or maybe the sensitive folk amoung us, the ones with high empathy will feel the pull of the waves more? Feel the worries. Feel the need to fix. Is this you?
Your safest course may be to keep swimming towards your own goals. Hear their news. Ask what they want to do? Be a support. But without any expectation you will build rafts for everyone to stay afloat.
Lol — well put!
You're not in a position to help, nor should you be. You have enough going on, and you need to take care of yourself first. That isn't selfish; it's smart. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? "Selfish" is a label that others slap on us when they want us to do something that they don't want to do. This is a good thing to keep in mind.
Effective Human Relations Course 101: The first thing to do is step back to give yourself time to think. The second thing is gather information. The third step is evaluate your options. Fourth step is evaluate some more. Fifth step is to draw a conclusion, which you might want to test. Sixth step: Decide what to do.
I'd advise some space between you and all the relatives and also from mom. You're being bombarded with information from every which way. Some of it may not be true. Some may be manipulative, as in "Mom blah blah blah and WE want you to blah blah blah." In no way should their blah blah blah become your blah blah blah.
You're in the first step, which is give yourself time to think. You've made a good move by coming to this forum to gather information.
Keep in mind that you don't owe these people anything. Sharing the same DNA doesn't make you a servant or a slave to them. You should not move in with mom. Mom should not move in with you. If that happens, your life is over. I mean it. Nothing you take for granted now, such as your freedom to come and go as you like, the possibility of finding a life partner, or even keeping your own cat, would be guaranteed. You'd be knocking yourself out for mom, her relatives, your sisters, and for what? Misery.
I wish you luck. The best way to have luck is not to get involved.
You have no obligation, legally or morally, to provide her with hands-on care. She can go to a facility once she's progressed to the point of being unable to live alone, if she hasn't already.
The fact that you live on the other side of the country will benefit you in this regard. Do not ever entertain the thought of moving back to her state for any reason.
There seem to be many issues with your mom. You have explained that you don't wish to assume care for mom. Which is fine. I would encourage others not to discuss a whole lot of nebulous daily problems with you. You sound somewhat over informed by others to me, and it seems to be pressuring you in some way.
I hope you will get on with your own life, and not over-think what the future will bring. You know where you stand, and that's a good thing.
"New Jersey is 1 of 29 states to have a filial responsibility law. What is it? Basically, children have a legal responsibility to support their parents when their parents are incapable of financially taking care of themselves."
By "support" they mean monetarily. You provide your parent with basic necessities, food, clothing and shelter. These laws were made before the states implemented Social Services. I live in NJ and we are a State that has a decent Welfare system. The the ability of the child to be able to support a parent is taken in consideration. I would not worry about that law. Aunt calling APS on sisters will not work.
I would call APS to evaluate Moms situation. Aunt can explain what she sees in her sister. If your sister is willing to move in, Mom may not have a choice. Its that, Assisted Living if she can afford it or Long-term care with Medicaid helping with the cost if Mom has no money. Its no longer what Mom wants but what she needs. The State becoming her guardian would be the last thing I would allow. By them becoming her guardian, you have no say in her care.
Since Aunt and sisters are there, they need to get together and figure this all out. Aunt should not be doing any care with her heath. So ur two sisters need to decide. If you really don't mind moving back tell them that but you will not live with her and because u need to work, you will not physically care for her. You will though help.
Does one of your sisters have POA for your mom? Can you ask your sister that you get along with better to talk to your mom's doctor about screening her for dementia? Does her doctor have an online portal? If so, get her signed up and share the password with your sisters so you can all see her records online. I love that so much for my mom.
Is your mom's paperwork in order? Does she have a will? Living will? POA for financial and health? If she it still competent, this should be done ASAP. If she's not competent, then that ship has sailed and it is what it is.
People with dementia can seem pretty normal on a phone call. There are short term and long term memory but there is also the type of memory (immediate?) that allows people to carry on a conversation. I know my mom uses lots of vague answers but they sound normal in a convo. But I know that they are just a defense mechanism and she is fairly lost given her dementia.
Good luck.
Your sisters have no legal obligation to provide care for your mother.
Your Aunt should instead call Social Services or Adult Protective Services and report your mother as a vulnerable adult who can't care for herself adequately.
That being said, if I were in your position I'd have a conference call with your sisters and your Aunt to exchange information and discuss what everything thinks may be a solution, and also discuss who is willing and able to do anything for her consistently.
You are not morally or ethically obligated to live with her. No one can force or assume anyone into a caregiving responsibility. But, you and your sisters & Aunt are in the best position to line up the best available help for her, if you are willing to do this. So, once there is consensus among you about what the best help for her is, and who (or what organization) should do it, then this decision will guide all other solutions for her.
At the minimum, someone can call APS for her county to report her as a vulnerable senior. It is possible that the county will acquire guardianship of her and then they will make all care and medical and financial decisions for her.
I'm sorry you are in this distressing situation. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart over this situation.
Willl mom sign HIPAA paperwork at her doctor's office so that you CAN talk to the doctor?
Does your Aunt take mom to her doctor visits?