I think my Mom may have BPD, please advise? (Borderline Personality Disorder) - AgingCare.com

I think my Mom may have BPD, please advise? (Borderline Personality Disorder)

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I just moved in with her due to divorce. I have my own money just not enough to live on my own on top of paying her mortgage! My dad left her about 1.5 years ago due to her horrible behavior towards him, he does not help her with money because he has just enough to live on. He moved overseas. Sadly, yes my mother does have finaincial need, however I am rebuilding my own life after 10 years of marriage and I have very little income at this time. I have no family here to help me deal with her! Ever since I moved in with her, she is quite abusive towards me verbally and has tried to be physically also, though with little luck, as she is only 100 lbs soaking wet. She is a very bitter and unhappy person in general with multiple health issues and some disability. She is quite mobile though, can drive, and mentally sharp. Though she is great at playing "helpless" and needing attention, and she is great at creating drama. She is only 63 years old and I am 38 me being with her is not working. Only a few people in my life know of how she truly behaves, they want nothing to really do with her. She is great at hiding the fact that she is this way to the world. I rather think due to her behavior that she has BPD which is Borderline Personality Disorder, in fact I think she has had it all her life. It is however becoming more pronounced as she is getting older. My mother now uses threats, manipulation, guilt, playing the victim, random fits, verbal & physical abuse, and telling others untruths about me as a means to try to "get her way with me". She has told me the reason my dad left her was due to his Bi-Polar disorder and she frequently tells me that I myself am Bi-Polar and need to seek mental health help and need medication. I love my mother despite all of this, she is my mother, however I want out of her life! I can not live with her and take this abuse by her. I wanted to know if there was anything I could do while I am with her for my own sanity. I don't have insurance at this time, is there anywhere I can find free mental counseling to help cope with this? I wished there was a way to get her on medication or at least evaluated by a health care professional, like I said she does not think anything is wrong with her and will not go to a doctor for this as she feels I am the one with a problem. I know that as she ages she will get much worse and her behavior will become worse. Her own mother (my grandmother) is in her 90's and is a highly volitive and very nasty older person who makes her caregivers life in Europe a living hell! My grandmother btw has some mental health issues also, though is very stubborn and refuses medications to the point where doctors have a difficult time dealing with her. I would love some advice, in fact, any advice would be great! Is anyone else is this situation or am I alone here? If so, how do you deal with such a life? I really am at a point where I known I have to move out of her home as soon as I can and help her when I financially am able to do so. Thank you for reading and any possible advice!

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Run, don't walk. Start making escape plans. You are only 38, that is still practically a "baby". If she were a rational person she wouldn't be acting this way. As you can see by these other comments others are telling you to GET OUT OF THERE. I think you can help her better at a physicaly distance. If you don't take care of yourself how can you possibly help anyone else.Get her a social worker, any services you can, however, she doesn't have to accept the help. I guess you have heard " you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" . If she refuses the help then she suffers the consequence, there is only so much someone can do for another when that person won't even meet them halfway.
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Stop paying your mother's mortgage and get out. If she can't pay her own mortgage she'll have to move into another arrangement.

While she may have mental illness she's not likely to seek help and borderline personality disorder can't be treated with medication.

Run!
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Run away as far and as fast as you can even if your income only allows you to rent a room in the beginning! If your mother can't afford her mortgage then the house must be sold. Depending on the laws where you are, after the mortgage is paid off the remaining proceeds will be split between your parents. Hopefully your mother's take will be enough to buy her a small apartment - something she can afford to keep on her own. You definitely should not be paying her mortgage. See if you can find out how much is owed on the mortgage, then research the housing market in your area to see what the house might sell for so you can figure out how much money your mother would get out of it.

Sounds like your mother is either BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and people with these mental issues only get worse, especially once they've got you in their cluitches. Make a plan, work towards it and get out as quickly as you can.
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"Zofia" -- Garden and Pam have some good inputs. What your mom is doing to you is a dynamic in BPD called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." There's a book that has that quirky phrase in the title. Look for it and the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: When someone you love has a Borderline Personality Disorder." Look for resources to explain and don't let this get to you. Get away, far away both physically and mentally. You can do one visit a year if you say you love your mom, but please put her out of your mind the rest of the year. I wish I were as young as 38 years old again. I wish that someone warned me back then. So many years, wasted on trying to please her. Still at it -- she's 90 and I think her meanness keeps her ticker ticking... I'm the one who feels older than 90 already. BREAK AWAY while you can.
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What you describe is a malignant family dynamic that runs through three generations. You break the cycle by walking away. Easier said than done, I know, but you save yourself by getting out ASAP and don't look back.
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GardenArtist thank you for your advice! I should have probably added a bit more to help clarify things. Yes, my mother was alone, however she is the one who asked me to move in with her! The problem is that she resents being alone! My dad left her, she stated that she did not want to be alone. Yet her current behavior is driving me quite batty and I am very puzzled as to why she asked me to live with her, something tells me it is due to my money, though I am sure that is not quite a 100% viable answer. I also have my own money and I am helping her financially by being with her now, as my dad does not have the income to do so. Low income also does not apply to me at this time, since I have too much income for that one, yet not enough to help pay for her mortgage and also pay for my own rent. Very few people I know can hold down two house payments at the same time. I am at this point probably going to have to find another stream of income just to be able to move out on my own and help her with money as she has told me that I owe her financial and physical help for as long as she is alive!
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Whoops - I see you wrote that you have no family here to help.

Was she living alone before you moved in? Perhaps that's the way she liked it and she resents not being alone any more. It does sound as though she would be happier that way.

That's no reflection on you, but something to consider as you move forward with plans to find your own place.

Good luck, and be sure to check out qualifying for low-income housing.
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Notwithstanding anaecdotal observations by family it's the responsibility of a physican to diagnose BPD and prescribe medications as appropriate.

The living together relationship doesn't seem to be working well, so the best thing you can do is get a job, if you don't already have one, and find your own place.

Set some specific goals and deadlines for yourself to move toward becoming financially independent, including taking a part-time job if necessary. It sounds as if you need to get out of this situation fairly quickly.

Are there any other siblings involved in your mother's care?

Assuming you're low income qualified, you might be able to find Section 8 housing in your area.
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