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I'm so glad I found this site because I'm completely overwhelmed with my mother right now. She's only 65 but because of a fall at work with a bad concussion and residual issues from that with her eyesight, plus wrist surgery, she has been out of work for 9 months and unable to drive.


She's been on worker's comp and it's barely paid the bills since then, but that can't go on forever. Her doctors all say she can't drive until/if the eye heals. Which may never happen. We'll know in another month or so if she needs eye surgery but it's not guaranteed to work.


I'm freaking out about what happens if she's declared permanently disabled. She won't be able to pay for her apt anymore and we live in an expensive area, she wouldn't be able to get ANY apt for what she'd make on disability. Not to mention the not driving thing. Her financial situation was bad to begin with, always living paycheck to paycheck and has a pricey apartment that she has continuously refused to downsize. She's never been good with money (I think she's an actual shopaholic) and is quite delusional/lives for the day instead of thinking at all about the future. She has a good amount of student loan debt still from going to college late in life and has zero savings. I've constantly tried to help her budget but she racks up credit cards anyway on clothes and pointless items, has a pricier car than she needs, and always thinks she deserves "the best."


My husband and I have a young child and live close to an hour away, my sister lives closer (roughly 20 minutes) but never helps. It's not easy for me to drive 2 hours roundtrip just to pick up medicine or something like that. She gets rides to appointments through workers comp, and her siblings live within 3-5 minutes and a few of my cousins so they have been helping a lot with picking up food or medicine if it can't be delivered which I really appreciate.


I do help send her groceries to be delivered, etc. and have let her borrow money (which she never pays back) many times. But my ability to help in person is limited due to distance and work and taking care of a young child, I do what I can but it's never enough and she doesn't ever appreciate the things I do in general. I feel taken advantage of because we're seen as "having money" compared to others in the family.


Her moving in here is not an option for more reasons than I could get into on this post (in short - it would destroy my life and marriage and there is a LOT of resentment there over some things in the past. She drives me insane for even a short visit. Wasn't there for me to help when my family was dealing with a severe health crisis, the list goes on). But if she's declared permanently disabled what do I do? She has no money for an assisted living community, from what I've heard they're so expensive around here.


My husband refuses to throw away $ to pay for her rent and said if it came to that we'd have to buy a condo and her pay us a bit toward the mortgage, but - and this sounds horrible - she doesn't deserve that. We've worked so hard to build our careers and be responsible and I don't think it's fair that my mom who blows money like it's going out of style gets to sit back in a free condo while we have to sacrifice to pay for it. Not to mention she'd be sitting there stuck in the condo and rely on us to drive everywhere, do everything. I feel like there's no good solution here. Is it even possible to go into assisted living when you're only living on disability? My sister is basically no help at all so it's all on me. I never expected to have to deal with this so young and I'm terrified for what happens when she's truly old!

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Your Mom is ONLY 65. She is capable of getting her life together. Now she is 65, Medicare has kicked in and if she hasn't she needs to sign up for it. Same with Social Security, if she doesn't have it then she needs to sign up for it. I don't think once she can get SS she can get SS Disability. Depending on her income, she maybe able to get Medicaid as her secondary health insurance. She will need to downsize. Contact her County Office of Aging. See what resources they provide. Usually Senior bussing to get Mom to appts and shopping. Especially now she can have groceries delivered same with perscriptions. If she can get Medicaid, they provide transportation too. Food Stamps. There are usually food closets in all Municipalities.

I hate it when people assume you have money. Its not up to you to support Mom when she spends on stuff she doesn't need. My SIL suggested, after Dad died, for each of us to give Mom money every month. Do you know who the least likely would be the one to send that check every month. Not because her heart in not in the right place, she just never gets around to doing it. It turned out that Mom did well on what she had. If ur Mom did not spend money on frivolous things, she maybe able to live on what she has.

She will just have to downsize to a low income apartment. Maybe sell off the things she really doesn't need. Are both her eyes effected. If not, I know a lot of people who drive with one eye. They just have to be extra careful. She needs to adjust. A member on the forum used the word disabled in place of enable. Do not disable your Mom. If u do, she will start relying on u all the time. Set boundries now. What ur willing and not willing to do.
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Yes to hiring a WC lawyer (for your mom to pay for) to help optimize how her case is handled, and how fast.

Yes to NOT ever having her move in. Period.

Yes to providing her with some research help, especially if she is not seeing well and unable to drive. Point her towards an attorney, social services, affordable housing, etc.

Yes to remembering she was a fully functioning adult prior to her very unfortunate accident and can continue to be one as long as you are not her "total solution" to solving all her problems for her. Commit to memory the definition of enabling: doing for another what they are capable of doing themselves. eg: She can't drive right now so someone driving her to somewhere is not enabling, but someone setting up all the drivers for her would be, especially if someone found the ride resources for her to get her started.

NO to guilt! Boo, hiss! You have no reason to feel guilt (and I acknowledge that this won't be easy, so stay strong!)

Remember: you, your husband and your family always come first. Your mom will now get a crash course in money management. Maybe point her towards a Dave Ramsey online seminar if the topic comes up.

Be encouraging. Don't be an enabler. Wishing you courage, wisdom and peace in your heart (and also for a full and speedy recovery for your mom!)
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VR1837 Feb 2021
Thank you! Reading everyones' responses has made me feel so much better/encouraged. Funny because my cousin created a Dave Ramsey style plan for my mother today, which I hope will help but kind of doubt will. (I've pointed her to Dave in the past). She did recently hire a workers comp lawyer which I am thankful for! I'm just so worried about what will happen if the surgery doesn't work and she can't drive ever again...us moving closer isn't happening and her moving closer to here would put so much stress on me because we have no one else around this area. Ugh.
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First I will say that I hope your mom has a lawyer handling her workers comp issues. I know that here in NC where I live you can be on workers comp up to 9 years, and even then, if things are still not good, it can be extended. She also then after workers comp is all said and done, will receive a settlement from comp, which will help her out as well. Having a lawyer will make sure she gets everything that she's entitled to. I was on workers comp for 8 years on and off when I had to have 7 surgeries in 7 years, due to being injured during a robbery at my workplace.

Now as far as your mom's money or lack thereof, it is not your responsibility to have to take care of her, or pay for any of her expenses. She has made her choices in life and now she will have to live with the consequences. Your immediate family should be your one and only concern, when it comes to your spending of your money. Your mom can go on Medicaid, and live in a government subsidized apartment, and have her groceries and even her prescriptions delivered, if needed. Stop bailing her out with your families hard earned money. You are only enabling her by continuing to do that. I wish you the best.
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VR1837 Feb 2021
Thanks for that info! Yes she did recently hire a lawyer which is a good step because I was the receiving end of freak out calls every time something went wrong before. And agree - I need to step up and draw a line.
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No it is not on you, it is on your mom.

Being blind is not an excuse to no longer take responsibility for your own life and wellbeing.

If she was injured on the job then she is entitled to get all of her medical taken care of. She needs to speak with the insurance company and find out how she gets her meds delivered, how she gers her medical care with transport and what other services she may be entitled to. Worker's injuries do entitle them to more then regular disability but, you have to ask and be assertive. Insurance companies are notorious for not stepping up to their responsibilities.

You are not obligated to prop up her entitlement of deserving only the best. I would stop helping her until she starts taking responsibility for her actions and DO NOT provide her a place to live or pay for her apartment that she could never really afford. Maybe she needs to live in a 55+ trailer court where she can afford to pay for her own life. If you take responsibility for her now you will never get out of the situation, she has shown you that she only cares about herself and her wants, you know that your child and husband come 1st, so set and enforce boundaries now to ensure that you are not guilted into becoming her mommy.

I have/had 2 parents that have similar ideas, they spend money like they print it and then try to make me give them our money. We think about tomorrow and it does create resentment when you see that they would not care if you ended up homeless as long as they got what they think they deserve. I made it very clear, if I need to give you money then I will be in charge of all your money 1st so I can help with true needs. That stopped all the manipulation because they know that I would be brutal in cutting them off of excessive, unnecessary spending and odds are I would not have to contribute a dime to them, because they would be living where they could afford to and they would be driving cheap, reliable vehicles and they would be on a tight budget, not worth it to them. Make it uncomfortable enough for her and you will see a difference.

Sorry for being long winded, this attitude just pushes my buttons all the way. Time for mommy dearest to grow up and put her big girl panties on, which means not living above her means any longer, just to start.

Take care of your family and make your mom take care of herself to the best of her abilities. You know that she is going to try and guilt trip you when you start and continue with the new rules, it is okay to walk away, hang up or tell her that she is not allowed to disrespect you and you will talk with her later. Then don't take her calls, talk when you are ready.

She is facing the consequences of a lifetime of poor choices, it's tough to do but, it won't kill her.

You can do this, for you and for her.

Great big warm hug filled with strength for you!
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VR1837 Feb 2021
Thank you!! You're very right. And I'm sorry you've had parents with a similar money situation. It is SO stressful. She has some impaired vision in one eye - it's a muscle thing more, that makes it hard to hold the eye open - so she has to wear a patch but the other eye is 100%. She definitely can use the computer, phone, etc. (Because I get constant texts, FUN). That's a great idea about asking to control the money, though. And funny timing, my cousin - who lives nearby and helps my mom often - texted today and said she created a Dave Ramsey style budget for my mom. Now Mom is all bragging that my cousin did this for her as if I've NEVER done that before. Eye roll. But hopefully, it will help and it's one thing I didn't have to do.
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This is going to sound harsh - but don't spend your money on your mom - you have your future. You have your child's future. It's not all on you unless you take it on. Your mom is an adult, with disability, yet has a mind i presume? This is her road to figure out. Do not buy her stuff or pay her rent etc.

But do help - have her seek a social worker. Help her find out what services through the city or county are available to her - such as food assistance, heat assistance, low income housing. she might have to move.

My mom made $500 social security until my dad died. She had a $1000 a month apartment and expected me to cover it, plus her car insurance, plus food, etc. Instead, i helped her find a nice two bedroom low income apartment for $200 a month and she was able to pay car insurance and food out of the rest.

When i was starting out on very low income - i rented a room in the house of an elderly couple. There are options.

If you become responsible for her - she will suck you dry and it will never be enough. Start setting boundaries now.
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VR1837 Feb 2021
Thank you so much. Even just typing that question got a lot off my chest. I did ask her to start paying me back in installments last week, and she gave $100 which is a start. I've constantly said she should try to find an older woman as a roommate to share expenses but she refuses. And any places I suggest are turned down because they're "crappy." It's so frustrating but you're right, at the end of the day it's her problem and I need to focus on my family!
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