Why is my Mom making me feel guilty for wanting to move into my own place even though I would be close by?


She says I moved here to help her with things. And I'm obligated as a christian to help her out. But I have my own health problems I am dealing with. I am the only sibling near her that helps her with things. My brothers are not close by. I am the only one that is helping her out right now.

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It sounds like your mom is disappointed that you're not moving in with her so that you can be there for her around the clock for the rest of her days. What a tempting prospect that must be for you!

I have to agree with the others. Stay on you own for as long as possible. I was one of those caregivers who gave up a great apartment to get a house so my dad could come and live with me. Years later I'm left high and dry when he had to go into a nursing home. I had to find another place to live and find a job at the same time. It was awful. Don't ever get into a situation where the roof over your head depends upon someone's health.

Since your mom has dementia you might want to get a jump on looking at NH's. Your mom's going to need around the clock care at some point and the less we move our elderly parents from place the place the better for them.

Once you get situated and are close to your mom she'll see that you'll be popping in frequently and get used to it. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about if she can still live on her own. You need your own place for now. Later you can revisit the situation and go from there. But no guilt!
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I see from your profile that your mom has Alzheimers/dementia. You need to learn more about the illness as you move forward in caring for your mom. If you expect her to be sane and logical in her approach to life, you're going to make yourself miserable. Her brain is broken and will get worse over time. Go to youtube and watch some Teepa Snow videos about dealing with folks with dementia. Spend some time on Aging Care reading posts from others in your situation.

You are now the "adult" and have to do what is best for both of you. But your first priority is you - you must take care of yourself first, so you can be there to help your mom. Your mom is probably terrified because she knows something's not right with her brain and she's afraid to be on her own.

Another option is to look for places where your mom can get care, because eventually she's going to need 24-hour care from someone. Get her moved now while she can still adjust. Hang in there, we understand. Spend more time here reading other posts. You're not alone.
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I think it is essential that a caregiver have their own place and keep their own life alive. I have heard too many stories already of caregivers with no place to go after the parent dies or moves into a nursing home. Caring cannot be 24/7 for years on end without burnout. Burnout is not your Christian duty.

A lot of old people seem to be stuck in a time warp. The past thirty years just don't seem to have registered with my mother. She watches the oldie TV station only and refuses to watch anything much past 1980. We watched a Carol Burnett special together and I must say Carol's comedy has aged well. But my mother thought it was contemporary and that Carol is still about thirty years old. She also seems to think I am much younger than I am, which I suppose makes sense if she has evaded the past thirty years.

Having one's own place makes the parent face up to the fact that you are grown up now and require to be respected as an adult.
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