Mom makes me feel guilty all the time. She can do some things independently. I visit 3 days a week and stay all day. Any advice?

Sezbez15: Imho, you are literally bending over backwards! (to quote "cliché To exert a lot of effort towards some end. This phrase is often used to express frustration when one's efforts go unrecognized.") It's unfathomable to me how you are even managing your time since you are spending three days out of seven with your mother whom you cannot please irregardless of the tasks that you are willing to do. Since you are also employed and have a family, it would seem to me that you need to amend this posthaste, else you suffer burnout. Your tolerance level is much too high as your mother is never satisfied with your hard work. Best of luck.

Oh my, she sounds like a real piece of work. How old is she? Does she have dementia?

You need to change things ASAP. You have your own life and the time you spend with your mom is unappreciated and therefore almost a total waste of your limited time.

You need to STOP doing everything for her. She needs to start doing things for herself. Or an aide will need to be hired with her money.

If you see things that you think should be done - just do them, if you are so inclined. Or don't. But don't listen to her crap about it. Clean up and if she complains just say something vague like "well, I'm just going to finish it up mom so just relax". Or better yet, put her to work doing something for herself!

Cut your time substantially. She needs to get out of the house - senior center, etc. You can't be with her all the time and nor should you want to be. If things aren't to her liking - too bad for her. You can only do so much. And you deserve time for yourself and your own family.

Good luck

How about an Independent Living situation that offers assisted living when the client is ready? How about her living close to you, but not with you?

Call "A Place for Mom" and/or care advisor on this site.

no one can make you feel guilty, unless you allow them to! i know it's easy to say, but you have to think about your health or you will not be good to anyone else. you are doing the best you can and just ask God to watch over her the rest of the time. sometimes, even if we live with the person, you aren't attached so there are bound to be mishaps. get those buzzers that allow a person to push a button and emergency answers. do what you can to secure her place.

You have a lot on your plate with your own family responsibilties and work. Give yourself some breaks so that you don't get burned out. Maybe you don't have to visit your Mom so often or stay so long, if she is able to do most things for herself. Talk to her about getting in-home caregivers to help with housework, cooking, etc. They might even be able to take her to the hairdresser, etc. She may be eligible for this through Medicare/Medicaid. There are also programs that pay family caregivers. Get connected with a local social worker to discuss her (and your) options. Her doctor may have to sign some forms to get in-home caregivers. (If you go this route, lock up her valuables and personal papers.) You sound like you may already be getting burned out. While she is still capable of signing legal documents, make sure her paperwork is up to date. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her medical directives and a will, if she has assets. You may need to have an attorney to help with these documents. A social worker may be able to tell you about resources to help with these papers. She also needs to have you on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call, with her beside you to agree to certain things. Most banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms, or they may call them "trusted contacts." All adult people need to set up these papers, it's not just her. If you can line up some caregivers, or help from your siblings, try to take a vacation with your family, and give yourself more "you" time, when you can just rest, or do something enjoyable. Have a plan for a time when her care may become too much for you. It sounds like that time is approaching. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. All the best to you and your family.

It may be time for a gentle discussion regarding her plans for her future as far as possible move to ALF, her assets, what she could afford, where she would like to visit to see what it is like.
This isn't only a matter of your being too tired and with your own life; you have also a right to HAVE a life, leisure time, that window of years when you are retired, but still healthy enough to leave on great vacations and do what you have longed to do.
Three times a week for a day is, to tell the truth, enabling this. It is too much. It should be cut down at once to two, and with a goal of one day a week, and some added appointment.
You will need to gently and honestly tell Mom that if she cannot learn to function more on her own she needs to consider being somewhere that can take on the things she can't or chooses not to do. Tell her you are not only exhausted, but that you have a right to some leisure time, some plans of your own for your own life while you can live it. The sad truth is that Mom has already lived her life; you have this one chance at YOUR life.
I would consider a few counseling visits, preferably with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice as they are best with life transitions work and suggestions. I sure wish you the best, but this is up to you. Not everything can be perfectly fixed. There is grief involved, but there SHOULD NOT be guilt. Try to choose your G-words carefully as the words we say to ourselves matter. You haven't caused this helplessness, and the path down into losses due to age are inexorable and certain (I am 80; I KNOW). They will continue and worsen, but they are not a matter of fault, rather of grief. You feel grief that your Mom is not satisfied, grief for her and grief for you. You feel grief that your Mom is no longer the strong able woman she once was and that you are confused and overwhelmed with your role now. Let the guilt luggage go, because the grief is plenty to haul.

It sounds like your mom may be getting dementia. Dementia has this “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind thing to it that’s very common. Nothing you do is “right” it seems. It’s very hard to deal with. You are the one primarily around, so you are the one who gets the “brunt” of it.

You may want to get your mom evaluated for dementia. Take time for yourself however you can.

Your Mom is aging, lost her independence and feeling herself watch the world go by. She's lonely. There is a difference between being there and "being there". When your siblings go to see her, she's on her best behavior because she's happy - it feels like a visit. When you go, she senses it's an obligation, and when you're not there, she has no one. I have been in your shoes. When you are there, don't ask - just do whatever you think needs to be done. Bring in a meal and sit with her. Take her for a walk in a park. Play music. Bring her flowers. Ask other family members to visit. It's the little things....
I strongly urge you to find a way to hire a "good fit" to care for your Mom a few hours a day. She will balk at the cost, but if she eventually grows to like the person it will be well worth it. If Mom's resources don't allow, see if you and siblings can chip in. You all will benefit because you will get the break you need and she will get the companionship she is craving.
Animallovers posted some great suggestions too. You can do this!

My mother lives about two hours away and I was going up several days a week to help her. I was feeling the same way. Thankfully I found a good geriatrician for her who started to whittle away at the physical issues that could be addressed, including depression. Since I spent most of my time cleaning when I wasn’t driving her to appointments, I found one of the senior service organizations that could provide help with that as well as either going to the store for her or with her and other basic needs. We started with having them five days a week but between availability of help and my mother’s insistence that she didn’t need the help they now come three days a week. Since my mothers health is gradually improving that seems to be working. She still won’t make an effort to make friends, even her neighbors in the independent living complex. Since she kept missing appointments with a physical therapist the doctor found one that came to her house. Between the senior helper and the physical therapist she has people in five days a week so I am no longer her sole social contact. I can now go up to go to doctors appointments with her (it really helps since I can keep track of problems she may forget to mention as well as what the doctor says to her) and do more fun things that I couldn’t do before since I had to clean and she was so depressed and not feeling well. I do try to visit her at least once a week but if I can’t I don’t have to worry about her. I am finally starting to catch up on everything that fell apart in my life from concentrating on her needs so much. I do make her appointments and order things on line that she needs but doesn’t know how to get. She does still drive but her navigational skills are nonexistent. She is having her helpers come with her or even do the driving now but when she goes out alone and gets lost I have her call me and, thanks to the maps app, I can figure out where she is and talk her home. She is gradually driving less herself and having the helper drive but she can still feel independent.
It has been a long process especially since people aren’t taking caregiving jobs these days but it has been worth it. We can now enjoy each other’s company. I know her needs can change at any time and I will be back at square one but it is working for now.
I wish you luck with your situation. You can’t help her if you are not taking care of yourself as well. It is a juggling act that I think we all have to face.

I had a cousin with Parkinson's, a friend whose husband has Parkinson, and a friend of my parent's with the same. Only one kept sharp minded 'till the end.

You've got a tough row to hoe, you have gone through the looking glass, and you have to lighten up. Back off. If she's gone down into the world of misery and grumpdom don't let her take you with her. You have a mind. When she's acting like a kvetch, give her the raspberries (in your mind) and have a cookie.

Maybe you ARE doing to much. My sister use to go to my parents almost every other day. I knew they didn't want that but they were of the school of don't complain or we'll loose our slave. They would say in a very hard manner "we're fine, just fine", when ask how are they were doing. Meaning of course we're not fine but in nobel-fashion we're suffering in silence. Their grouchy sharp tongued "we're fine, or I'm fine" was not silence.

Out of curiosity ask your siblings if your mom says the same good words about you. Could be she does. Perhaps your siblings faces look less strained when they visit, because they see her so few times, and so seem more pleasant in her mind.

May I suggest that you attach to her fridg a large flexible magnetic white board.
At the top, write with indelible ink - What I need Sezbez to do next visit Tuesday. Write Tuesday in dry erase marker so that it could be changed easily. Btw, indelible ink will erase with the help of nail polish remover or acetone.

Give her a dry erase marker. And put some in a draw. Tell her that she's in control of getting things done as she'd like and when she'd like, and you will only do what she directs in writing so that it'll be smooth sailing with feelings of accomplishment for both of you.

Perhaps a large paper calendar would be more helpful. Tell her that you are reading books about mind reading but until you get it right she's got to help you by committing to a schedule.

I hate to add that if she becomes hateful and writes something crumby be ready with your smartphone and take a photo of it. Most bad feelings come from not being prepared and sucker punched. Go in there as a prepared-for-any-possibility champion. And when she gets to you, tell yourself, okay knuckle head she got you this time, but I'll be prepared for the next time with something witty, like "Oh mom, there your go again you sweet puss you", or a goofy audible sigh as you leave the situation perhaps by put the kettle on for a relaxing tea for yourself and as you walk away you can say - "Hey mom I'm having a tea would you like a cup?" If she keeps haranguing dust, go get the mail, talk to a neighbor pleasantly like nothing really matters in the universe. This is medicine for your nerves. Blow off what you don't like and let it be sweetly known.

It is very difficult, but start practicing becoming a plastic raincoat.
When she says "I wish I can do that" be a recorded machine with pat-answers.
"I understand". "Oh, that must not feel good." followed by "What a nice day. I wonder if the rest of the week will be as nice". Be creative.

Answers such as - "When you think you'd like to try, you will, or, let me know", will start an arguement. You must create your own flat unanswerable comments.

You may be helping her dig your hole.

Oh sweetheart, you are going to kill yourself on that schedule. You need to take care of yourself first. Your mother has had a good, long life. Based on my experience with my husband, getting old is very hard and makes people think irrationally. If she were able to think rationally, she would want her beloved daughter to take care of herself, first.

“Quite” regularly?

I’m trying unsuccessfully to think of ANYONE I’VE EVER COME ACROSS in a caregiving situation who who doesn’t deal with EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

So consider- SHE doesn’t “make” you feel guilty. YOU have create the thoughts of guilt in your mind, then continued thinking them until they’ve become your life pattern.

YOU NEED to break the pattern. She has no reason that I can see to do that, and trust me, SHE WON’T.

Can you offer her a set period of time that allows you to get off the three day a week merry go round, and promise yourself to stick to it?

Try “Mom, I have a (whatever reason) this week and I can’t come to take you to the hairdresser. I will see you on (whatever day is CONVENIENT FOR YOU). Then
stick to your guns.

Will she TRY to manipulate your feelings? Most likely. But you have major responsibilities in your own home, and you are also important enough to have a life for yourself too.

FIGHT THE GUILT. It serves NO GOOD PURPOSE, shows no love whether given or received, doesn’t pay any bills, never makes anyone happy. Not even your mom.

Repeating- most if not all of us have dealt in some way or another with guilt. Youare not alone with this!

Good Morning,

Usually when people get older, they do not want to leave the house. They feel comfortable in their surroundings and safe. Food becomes a major source of
interest and one of the last things they can enjoy.

I am not a big advocate of the elderly living alone. Senior housing, an apartment, condominium complex, co-housing are ok but solo in a house in my humble opinion is too isolating. Too much upkeep and usually they end up living in one or two rooms at most and camp out on the sofa.

Not everyone can afford Assisted Living, I am one of them. But there is a lot to be said about Senior Centers who provide lunch and also morning day respite programs. Transportation is provided. Mother's primary care doc can do an assessment and write the scrip for p/t and ot/, speech etc.

The outdoors, fresh air, Vitamin D and exercise are all important at every age.

You cannot be the sole provider for mother's happiness. The Church people come faithfully every Sunday with a Bulletin, the update on what's going on and Communion. They have never missed a Sunday. They are unpaid volunteers.

You' re going to have to widen your circle before you burn out. As I write this mother is getting ready for her "Tuesday's With Dementia Friends". She will have a continental breakfast, exercise, physical therapy, lunch, blood pressure reading and I will pick her up at 1PM today. There is a fee and the health insurance another co-pay for p/t and speech. Mother has Lewy Body Dementia.
Mother knows the routine, she picks out her outfit, has her kleenex and Burt Bee in her pocket and an UpWalker Lite which now other patients are now purchasing them. The nurse that is on site is recommending this walker to other families.

I, in turn, will get the car winterized, go to the pharmacy for Mom's med, fill the pill box, pick up Mom's library book, prepare Mom's meal when she returns and work tonight remotely from home. But I can do this with peace of mind know that Mom is safe and supervised. She like all the other patients are tired but the
exercise is needed and I don't want to walk in the door and find Mom on the floor.

It's sounds like the system you have now, something is going to turn up where a decision will be made for your mother.

Read all the answers and decide for yourself what is the best way to handle your mother with the resources that all of us mention here.

You can't go on like this. You will burn out. Your are in my prayers.

There are people who work as personal companions for the elderly. It might be a few hours a day or all day or a few hours a week. They help them organize things, call for medical appointments, take them to doctor and hairdresser appointments. They can take them to lunch, ride them around in the car, enjoy a movie with them and just generally have a good time. They aren’t nurses, don’t handle bathroom problems, or things of that nature. I’m surprised that I don’t see postings about them on here more often. I knew several in Florida and my mother had different ones over maybe 15 years. We found them through ads or personal recommendation, never through an agency. I’d highly recommend a personal companion as a solution in this situation.

" I have an older sister and brother they go up maybe once a month and once a fortnight but when they go they are the best."

As others said, why do you go so much? If you're not appreciated, back it down to the frequency of the visits of your siblings. Once a month? Once a fortnight? Why are YOU going THREE days a week?

Your Mother lives alone.

You think it's your duty to help her, ensure she copes, has all her needs met. We must care for our Mothers afterall!

You feel guilty when you can't meet all her needs.

So you help. But where is the edge? The stopping point? The finish line?

Resentment starts to grow.
More & more you seem to be living Mother's life with her...
What happens to your own life? Your own needs?

Is this kinda right? Or am I on the wrong track?

Stop going 3 times a week...she shouldn't notice since 'you do so little'. And if she does notice, point it out.

My parents would drive 50 miles to check in on my grandmother once a week. She acted like she never saw them. But her other son, who lived 3 miles away and rarely visited was golden because he would buy her something occasionally.

I’m the last person to give any one advice as I can’t even sort out the own mess in my head and my home. But I will say this, you don’t win with parents like yours and mine. You just wait for it all to end or go crazy trying to please someone who will never be pleased and never be grateful for anything you do. My father never wanted to come and live with my husband and me, he wanted to stay in his own home but was unable to.

Why do you keep doing this? All day 3 times a week IMO is way over the top, she is manipulating you and you are falling for her drama.

There will be no joy with her, only stress. Start pulling back, there are senior centers she can go to if she is bored, you are not her entertainer.

Get on living your life, you are entitled to do that, let the other two siblings visit more often, seems that she enjoys their company more than yours.

I’m thinking that you have got yourself into a position where there is not much that you enjoy going on in your own life. Three days of the week with her, night shift work, care for your own family - when do you live your own life doing what you want to do? If the answer is ‘not much’, that’s another reason why you are spending too much time with mother. It’s bad, but what are the alternatives?

All the other answers have to be right. You are ‘disabling’ your mother by doing so much for her that she doesn’t do what she can do for herself. You are acting like a doormat in letting her run you down – it really is abuse. You should make some boundaries and some conditions – she simply must go out on her own (to some sort of activity – there will be at least one if you look), as well as wanting your company. When she’s miserable, you walk out and say that you’ll see her when she’s feeling better.

But as well as all that, find an activity for yourself, and make it a substitute for two half days that you currently spend with her. If you feel worried about it, find an excuse – ‘doctor’s orders’ usually helps, even if you make it up. Fake dialysis springs to mind?

Since nothing you do is good enough anyway, or appreciated, why bother doing much of anything at all? That was the attitude I wound up developing with my mother after jumping thru fiery hoops for her and getting a spit in the eye in return. No matter how much I did for her, she felt the need to point out it wasn't enough and she was disappointed, so I wound up doing less and less as a result. Even a dog needs to have his head patted now and then to feel loved and if he doesn't, he'll run away and find a new home to live in where he'll feel love and affection.

Ask mother to call YOU when she needs something next time and you'll check your schedule to see if you can fit her in. 3x a week all day long is WAYYYYYYY too much time to be devoting to someone who's treating you like dirt. Let her see and feel what it's like to have a daughter who "does nothing" and maybe next time you do something nice for her, she won't be so quick to complain and cut you down.

Good luck to you

Me, I may just start going as often as ur siblings and I would not be sitting around if she didn't need me. And...since "they are the best" they can get POA and they can have Mom living with them.

No, your r not the only one. There are many posters in the same situation. Parents treats them awful and the other siblings get all the glory. I would not go as often to visit or stay as long.

I think you are at the poinit where you have to have her medically assessed by her doctor for cognitive and memory impairment. If you have an official diagnosis and measurement you can at have context for what she is saying and doing and needing.

Do you have DPoA? If not, this is a very important legal step to take. I would take your mother to a certified elder law attorney who can explain the importance of having a legally assigned PoA, an Adance Healthcare Directive, Will, etc. The attorney will interview your mother privately to decide whether she comprehends what assigning a PoA means for her. If she seems competent to understand it, then the attorney will move forward if your mother desires it. This is actually should have priority over the medical diagnosis, especially if you have siblings who might create a fuss over who has PoA, etc.

Your Mother is not really independent at all. If she is having cognitive and memory decline, this means she is losing her ability to work from reason, logic and empathy. So, arguing with her (or even trying to reason with her) will be exhausting and unproductive.

You need to decide how much involvement you want in doing her hands-on care, and then maybe consult with an estate planner or her financial advisor about how far her savings and SS will take her each month. This will determine if she stays in her home with outside paid care, or some other arrangement.

If you are thinking about having her live with you, please think very deeply about this since her decliine is only just beginning and her care will become more and more intense as she becomes less and less able to care for herself -- especially if you have a spouse and children.

You are certainly not alone in this dilemma. Keep coming to this forum to research or ask questions about caregiving. It is probably the most emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually challenging thing anyone will ever do. I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you make decisions going forward.

She sounds as if she is self absorbed. I wouldn't worry about not sharing joy, keep your good times to yourself and relish every moment, it's her loss. Put yourself first, ask yourself what you're going to do for yourself on each one of those three days, and do it, even if it's something small. Then, when this starts feeling good, move on to setting some boundaries.