Mom made a mess again. How can I get her to stop?

That's awful. Maybe you should sterilize your toothbrush, just in case it's had something unpleasant happen to it.

Toothbrushes are cheap enough. I'd buy a large supply and keep them hidden and use a new one whenever you feel you need to.

Congested cough could be fluid in the lungs. Take a listen to her chest.

Oh yes throw out that toothbrush! mine is in my SAFE along with my sponges and facecloths!!!!!!!!!!

sand50 she will not stop this ive given up long ago ! you just keep cleaning up like a robot i let it go over my head now as i used to lose my temper so gross! my cats cleaner than her!

sandiw50, sounds no different than living with a room-mate decades ago :) Some are like Oscar Madison, some are like Felix Unger. Curious, how old is your Mother? Maybe that congestive cough is tiring her out so she doesn't have the energy to pick up after herself.

From this and your other post about messes it really does not seem like this arrangement is working out. Your mother is not going to change. I wish she would show her love of you as she does for other family members, but I really don't think that is going to happen. Not Your Fault. You did nothing to cause her personality disorder and you can do nothing to cure it.

You deserve a chance at happiness. I don't think you are going to find it stuck in this situation.

Move out.

I don't know what your mom is capable of doing. Every day I spend time cleaning up after my husband in the kitchen bathroom, doing laundry because he goes through towels like crazy, picking up paper towels and napkins, partially user plastic water bottles, etc. With his impairments I don't expect this to ever improve. I just try to see it as part of my daily routine. I do just about everything else that needs doing. Oh well.

Sandi, Why do you stay? It is greatly possible that she will outlive you. (My mom did, in my sister's case.) I really think that she wants you out of there.

I guess I've gotten used to the constant picking up, closing doors and drawers left open, toilet bowl mess, kitchen messes. I realize I have to hide more and more of my personal items (toothbrush, good face cream, makeup, even some clothes) since mom likes to rummage and use my stuff. Had to take her earrings away from her since she's doesn't have sense enough to know how allergic she is to the nickel in them. Even had to take her lipstick away since she made an incredible mess of her own very nice bedspread. I keep spray cleaners and clean rags within easy reach under the bathroom sink. I don't get as frustrated this way and it's gotten easier to just shut up and pick up. I'd sweep the floor more often if that wasn't such a hassle. I tell myself it won't be forever.

Is this new behavior or has it always been this way? What does her Dr say about it? Have you tried talking calmly to her about this instead of hiding your feelings? We had similar problems. The more we cleaned up the more resentful we became. Finally we sat down and explained that it was exhausting us to keep doing this. We also have numerous health problems. We stated how much we loved and wanted her to stay with us but it couldn't continue like this. Now when messes are left we let her know in a gentle way it needs taken care of and usually it is. Sometimes it takes a while but we have learned to let it go. She let us know how she could help out around the house, what we needed to do to help her, and that she did want to keep staying here. Ever so often we sit down and talk again, sometimes she forgets what we have talked about. We try to keep it on a grownup level. Talking to her like she was a child made things worse as did arguing and raising our voices. When the rest of the house is clean and her areas are a mess then she sees this and takes care of it. If not we remind her that it needs done and leave it for her to take care of. So far respect for her being Mom, open communication, gentle reminders, and helping her do what she can (like she will wash dishes and we will put them away) has really changed things. We don't feel like we have to treat her like a child to get things done. It is her responsibility. We aren't nearly as stressed out or resentful and things are much more pleasant around here. Hope this helps.

My mom always kept the house and herself neat as a pin - until she didn't anymore. At one point it got to "couldn't" not "wouldn't". She wanted everybody to think it was "wouldn't" though because she didn't want anybody to figure out it was dementia. She would have rather the world think she is a mean, old, stubborn, filthy old woman than take any kind of help from anybody.

These slipping personal hygiene and housekeeping standards were a sign that just about everybody around her missed as dementia flags. Everybody in the community around mom just marked it up to her being nasty and then simply avoided her at all costs. This willful ignorance did not help her get services, help, or make changes that she needed to make to stay safe. Maybe there were some folks who were just plain ignorant about what dementia starts to look like, but I know there were some there who knew what was going on and didn't care enough about her to intervene because she would be mean as a snake to preserve her privacy and independence.

It got so bad I made a call to Adult Protection to report her as vulnerable, but she did her song & dance for the social worker, made up a story about being so busy lately that housework had gotten behind, and totally fooled the woman. Mom had not left the house in weeks. She wasn't busy. She was covering up.

If normal reasonable discussion about the house & hygiene aren't working anymore DO NOT assume it's because the person is just nasty now because they are old. They might be doing a fantastic job of covering up what's really happening and it is going to take a really strong personality in their life to dig in and uncover the real problems that need fixing - besides the dirty house.

Sandwich makes an excellent point. Mom was always fastidiously neat about the house and her appearance - until about 10 years ago. That's when I started coming in about once a month to clean for her and Dad. It steadily got worse, until no one - not even family - would come in the house because of the smell of unwashed bodies. Once I moved in after Dad died, I got her on a shower schedule, which she still resists many times, but at least she's showering a couple of times a week, not going months without showering.

Adult Protective Services ?
Question = If an Adult is ..... what? ....somewhat out of control like in this situation, what can Adult Protective Services do ?
APS ? = Short Term and Long Term what APS does, please be specific with actual examples vs. theory or what their
flier states they will do = the county we live in is cutting, cutting, cutting everywhere!
I am not calling them yet, but my wife has problems too - not as bad as this situation but still problems for me -
Thanks!
pete

My Mom use to be super clean, you could eat off the floor type of clean.... but as they became older and their eye sight was starting to fail, they just couldn't see the newspaper ink hand prints on the door jam... the spots on the rug.... nor occasional spills on their clothing. I don't say or do anything, because they made the decision to stay in their own home and do the cleaning themselves.

I have paper towels all over the house. I keep a roll in every room because I was tired of the laundry. We learn little tricks to help keep our sanity because our loved ones are not going to change but it is very discouraging and many times I feel like a robot also - just picking stuff up and putting it away. With kids it was also frustrating but at least you knew that they were going to learn and one day pick up after themselves. With the elderly it is the opposite - they keep reverting - just like Benjamin Button- so you know it is not going to get better. The only solution is to change your perceptions or your living situation. You do deserve some happiness also. Hugs to you ...

Just accepting the fact that this is part of the "normal" in your life has made it easier for me to deal with the constant cleaning involved in caring for my Mom. Take it one day at a time. God Bless.

You give far too little information about your nmother for abny one to address anything more than your toothbrish and the mess.

If that's all that is bothering you you could always try getting used to it. You won't remember when you used to flush your mum's toothbrush and make a mess on the floor, but she will have had plenty of that to put up with when you were younger.

If you mum has other conditions besides the ones you mention, and if you mention them, you will get some specific answers that might be helpful.

How old is she? Has she been diagnosed with any other conditions besides Diabetes? Are you her de facto caregiver or just her room,/house mate?

???

Caregiver99, but one has to also remember when we were small children, our Moms were on average in their 20's and 30's..... not in their 50's and 60's, and older. There is a huge difference in one's energy level, and the ability to bend down to clean up a mess on the floor.

Went shopping today came home and mum decided to make scones? yes house is a right mess......flour on the kitchen floor SO flour footprints all over the house she thinks the downstairs toilet is leaking ITS NOT she just keeps peeing all over it now shes nagging me to get a plumber??
So frustrating i come home to cook dinner after a long day shopping getting her meds etc... then have to clean the whole house AGAIN! oh and i declined on the scones they look lovely BUT i saw the raisins were there from ww2!
Yep the day in the life of a "carer" oh and to add to my stress her latest thing now is taking the loo roll from the toilet? i shouldve known better to check BEFORE i pee so again have to come out of the loo with pants half down to look for loo paper! I asked her why she takes this and she denies all knowlegde says it wasnt her???????? i know its the cat??

Yes my mum too was always neat and tidy i think looking back it started with hoarding then clutter then just a complete mess i reckon shes had dementia for a good few years before we noticed and thought it was depression. She will still not go into town without her make-up though ok so she forgets her teeth but her face is always done perfectly just dont look down at the odd shoes!!

kazzaa... thanks for the laugh about the raisins being from WWII, that was funny :)

I know FF i told her the raisins were off but she said they wont kill you? Id rather not take the chance thanks! tried to stop her from eating them but no way? i threw the raisins out i honestly dont know where she got them probably at the back of the cupboard i must do some housekeeping? How can someone eat something way out of date? amazing how she has never been sick from this?

Part of dementia is the loss of senses. Loss of smell and changed tastes is a big one. They can't smell BO, feces, urine, spoiled food. They can't see the outward signs of spoilage either.

When folks get to this point, they really truly require some outside help. It's going to get worse, not better. This is when the family needs to make decisions about whether it's safe for mom & dad to stay at home or what. If it's not feasible for family to pitch in, then someone needs to coordinate outside services, or start looking for an alternate residence. Don't wait for a crisis to start this thinking process, but way too many people do wait until a crisis happens out of denial.

Kazzaa, I have problems with my significant other when it comes to expiration dates. I will toss items out if they are a month over the expiration date, sometimes sooner.... my S/O if he had his way would hold on to the item for a several years. He says it won't kill you. Well, I not going to find out if they will or not. I don't want to be a story on "Mystery Diagnosis".

Also sand42 a crisis happens because there is no other solution until a crisis happens like mums docs and SS as long as im here they wont discuss anything about her,her future so yes i am waiting for a crisis to happen as theres nothing else i can do without help? mums doc says shes still "competent" and can make her own decisions? until they differ the hygiene not washing not taking her meds properly seems not an issue to them? its family that have to decide this in the end but my mum will not go into a NH so we wait for a crisis?

Honey? Your mother should not be left alone? I have a similar problem, and there comes a time they need a caregiver that will watch her while you are out. Its best you keep things locked up so she dose not take them by accident. Has she been diagnosed with Alzheimer's? You may need to help her, and get proper care for her, do not wait to long that you get to frustrated, its not good for both of you.

If you had Twinkies from WWIi they would still be okay..I think that is probably guaranteed. Or how about the perfectly preserved hamburger from McDonalds found in a coat pocket years after it was purchased. Those raisins couldn't be TOO bad.

Thanks guys it will not be long before I move out hopefully before Christmas..Im saving my pennies...The cough is better, and Ive decided not to sweat the small stuff..she is now on her own..I am only here for an emergency..if she chooses not
to take her medicine so be it...I just tell her doc and go from there. Its not worth stressing about anymore. And the messes..I leave them and she cleans them up as she knows I ve had enough!! On the days she works I chip in at night but thats about it. Thanks to this site I dont sweat the small stuff anymore...It is just not worth it. I can tell her attitude has changed as well..plus shes on her thyroid medicine as well so shes (should I say) calmer? Well, thanks for the great posts-All the best...sandiw50....