After 18 months with mom living with us, my husband is unhappy and won’t talk about it. Advice?

My husband did this, too, a bit. On the other hand, I remind myself that he's been pretty supportive considering how much our lives have changed with my mom coming to live with us.

On one hand, he's convinced that we've done the right thing. On the other hand, it's hard that we have had to make so many changes to our lives. It's sometimes hard having her around, all the time. He probably feels the stress of her illness even more than I do, as he sometimes feels a bit of an outsider in his own house.

Sometimes, I will ask him if he feels left-out. I ask him if he regrets our choice. He basically just grumps back. However, I think I see that it makes a difference that I ask. Meanwhile, he does sometimes admit that he feels like an outsider in his own house and isn't sure what to do about it.

Sometimes, I will tell him I feel stuck in the middle - that I want to make sure that all three of us can live a decent life in this one house and not always sure how to go about it.

Things are better. We grump and grouse, but I think the fact that we do sometimes spill our guts or sometimes just ask if the other one is having a hard time, while it doesn't solve it all, just helps the other one know that we haven't forgotten about them.

The other night, we had concert tickets. Unfortunately, Mom had just been admitted to the hospital and he and I agreed that, while she was probably fine, that I should be at the hospital to talk to the doctors and get her settled. Instead of having dinner and a show, together, I couldn't go. I told him that I felt bad - that I know part of the fun is to go, together. I begged him to go and enjoy it for both of us and not to feel bad for me that I'd missed it. He couldn't find a friend to go (it was the very last minute) but he did go and gave the extra ticket to a stranger waiting in the ticket line. He did enjoy it. He hates doing things, alone, but he went and it seemed to be good for him to get out of the house. I told him it would be better than his plan of sitting at home and worrying about how Mom was doing, which wasn't going to help either of them.

But it's hard. It doesn't always work out that well here, either, so I know some of what you're going through.

This is such good news. Often our parents don't want to live with us any more than we want to live with them. It sounds like you found the perfect solution for all of you.

To update on this post from last year, we applied for VA aid and attendance for my mother and found a low-income apartment located within a retirement community that two of my grandmothers had lived in and which the VA approved as well. We are all very much happier. Mom feels as if she is on her own and taking care of herself and I feel like I got my life back. And hubby is happy and relaxed again. It took a long time to work everything out (and a good deal of drama with my siblings) but thankfully it worked out for Mom.

So, is your mother's depression being treated? It can be very hard to live with someone with depression.

i m 36 , having the same problem, i lost my dad 15 yrs ago, and my only sibling five yrs ago due to cancer. i m a mother of two kids of 4 and 9 yrs.My mom is staying with me and my husband wants to put her out of the house.I kept her with me cos she looks after the kids when i m at work and also to distract her mind after the death of my sister.

He's unhappy because you have chosen your mom over him. When is the last time you had sex? You are going to have to choose between your mom and your husband. If you want to stay married, he has to come first.

I'm late weighing in on this, but I'm right here in the same situation now. Having mom live in the bedroom right above ours certainly puts a damper on our love life. It makes him grumpy and it makes me grumpy and our relationship suffers greatly from a lack of intimacy. I wish I could find somewhere else for my mom to live, but she just got back her from a month in hospital and rehab. She's too far gone for AL, has home health coming in, she's passive aggressive, codependent, high anxiety especially separation anxiety. We finally put our foot down and just got away for a weekend, made sure she had food, somebody to stay with her etc. She threw a fit before we left, and another when we got back. Something's always in chaos around here.

Lizann thanks so very much. It is so hard but my health is not good either. I have a back problem so that adds to problems too. I am going to have to put mama in the nursing home after the first of the year and I really believe she will be happy.

We have discussed it and she seems to be fine with it right now so we will see what happens.

mlaynaM10, no you are not a bad person--just human. Alzheimer changes the person and caring for someone with Alzheimer is a trial. During the holiday time, see if you can get someone to help or get some respite care. You need
to be away even if only for a few hours each day to get a well needed break and come back to the caregiving with a new perspective.

Again you are not a bad person don't be hard on yourself. Do the best you can with what you have. Get some home health aides in for regular visits, you will
feel much better.

My mom has Alzheimer and I love her very much but I sure don't like some times.
Does that make me a bad person?

momhouseme,
Check with a Tax Adviser for the exact rules.
General rules are: you can claim your elder as a deduction if: they live with you for 6 months or longer of the year filed for, as long as you provide half or more of their support during that time.
Just avoid pulling the fast one my brother did: He started filing papers as if Mom lived under his roof instead of ours, by using one of her former married names. When I asked Mom about it, she just laughed maniacally, as if it was hilarious....she clearly knew of it.
I only discovered it while looking for something else for her online.
Goodness only knows how long they'd been pulling that off---not even we were qualified to claim her as a dependent--even though she lived under our roof for 6 years! While she lived with us the qualified time, she supplied her own support, so we didn't qualify.
My brother, OTH, supplied NO housing, NO financial and NO medical for her--he barely ever even gave her a ride anywhere. If he'd been caught at it [& the time limit has yet to run out on IRS coming after him], he'd be in real deep kimchee!

There are various rules for when adults Caretake for children, adult children with special needs, or elders, that could allow them to be claimed as dependents for tax purposes.
States that have income tax, may also allow some variations on same idea.

no comfort care in my area...sigh .....

Never thought of a tax deduction; what category of deduction would it fall under? thanks for the name.

I feel your pain. My mom and dad were both sick at the same time and myself and my siblings were taking turns taking care of them. It was very tolling on all of our families. A friend of my sister told us about this Home Health Agency. They went into my parent's home and helped them with everything. They cleaned, made meals, helped with bathing and dressing, went grocery shopping, even took them to appointments. We all chipped in for the service and it was fantastic. When we went to visit with my parents we could enjoy ourselves without worrying about their health issues. We had a girl live with them for $11.00/hr and when my parents got better we slowly lessened the hours. The name of the company was A COMFORT CARE, I am not sure of the number but I am sure you can find them on line. I think everyone at my age with elderly parents should know about these companies. Also, they were licensed, bonded, and insured and did background checks on the people who came into the house. At the end of the year we all split up what we paid for our parents care and used it as a tax deduction......Pass it on...

Men, Men, Men I will pray for you and Hubby. Try to get him to open up please do not play the gussing game you will loose. Let he know how you are feeling about the whole situation. Please do not get agrument, that will not be good.Fine out how he feels about what is going on in the home. and then both of you try to come up with a solution that you both can handle to solve the problem. Do not come up with the solution by yourself. He must be a part of the solution. Good luck.

Hmm, Hubby agreed to moving to new state, finding new home & new jobs, AND having MIL move in with you. That was a very big leap of faith by hubby, and a challenge to any marriage. All went well with you working at home, until you started working outside the home. Now hubby is very out of sorts and communication has broken down between you. Sounds like Mom is not the primary problem. Find an oppty to get your husband alone-since he is 'too tired' to go out, perhaps take your Mom over to a neighbor for a couple of hours. Then get down to business with him and insist on talking it out. You mentioned that you had more time to yourself when you were working at home the first 15 months. Assume you also had more time for hubby. Was it a financial need that made you seek FT work? Are you so tired that you may be neglecting your own appearance? Now you work fulltime outside the home, which means you are tired too, and less time for hubby. It may be as simple as that - he feels neglected, and misses the 'alone' time with you. Point is, you have to literally pin him down and get to the heart of the issues. Maybe it could be as simple as getting someone in to help with household chores in order to free up your available time to spend with hubby. Maybe send Mom back to one of your siblings for a couple of weeks to give you and hubby a break. Everyone here has offered many helpful suggestions and are interested in knowing if any of them has worked for you. We would love to hear back from you!!

Glad you finally found one of the trouble spots!
Knowing what those points are, makes things start being a bit easier.
Are you aware, that when you provide over half an elder's support, you get to use them as a deduction from your IRS taxes?
Sometimes, that means making comparisons to how much it would cost the elder to stay in a facility. Count every expense, and keep records.
OR, simply keep her finances separate from yours, and still keep records.
Thank you for keeping us posted!
Hope your DH is sometime able to get some help with PTSD...sometimes it takes a lifetime, and lots never do get help. These days, there are methods that help cope with it better. Techniques like EMDR, help desensitize the troublesome memories.

I want to update everyone who was so helpful to me here. It turns out the issue isn't time or lack of time. It is money. The oldest issue, right? My husband is worried about possible financial entanglements since Mom has no assets and just gets social security. He meant that I was ignoring his advice and worry about finances. (PTSD makes communication and problem solving very hard.)

At least now I know where to focus my own problem solving skills and may post a new question related to financial issues and caregiving. Thank you all for the insight and especially the support. Knowing I can just spill it out to you all is such a relief!

If your husband was ok prior to Mom moving in, then
the situation speaks for itself.
Lets not make husbands the villans here if they are not happy or cant manage with the additional stresses of care giving of an ill inlaw. Lord knows the stresses of caregiving are huge and often take a toll on the caregivers health....so lets have a little compassion for him.

If the situation is too much for him, his needs really do come first.
I have just heard many positive experiences of assisted living centers.
If your Mom can live alone there are elderly apartments.

Chimonger, I think you hailed it, actually. My husband does suffer from mild PTSD though not from a military experience. It is hard for him to admit it, though. It occurred to me yesterday that this might be affecting the situation.

And JeanneGibbs, I worked outside the home all of our marriage. Working at home when we moved here was the first time we took such a "scary" step. So I'm a little confused about why this came up when I once again got a job outside the house and got the security, again, of a steady income.

Also, he works longer day hours than I do so he is rarely at home with my Mom without me being there, too. When I worked at home, if he happened to have a mid-week day off, I could spend time with him. (He works in food service - no weekends off). Now when he has a day off, I still have to work.

I think you all are right, Mom isn't the real issue here. Thank you all for your input and support.

My husband knew I was worried about my mother living so far away and told me to bring her to live with us. When he realized that taking care of my mother was taking all of my time, he became upset. He is a selfish man and when I wasn't able to give him my undivided attention, he became angry inside.

We were living with his mother and I had been taking care of her for years but I guess my mother was different. I had given up a fantastic job and moved away from friends and family so we could be with his mother and help take care of.

Four months after my mother moved in with us, he got very angry one night and told me to "GET OUT." I packed up my mother and the children and we moved into our own little house. As difficult as this has been on me, I finally saw my husband for who he really was.....a very selfish, self-centered man. Life is hard for me but we are all much happier now.

Please be careful. You must talk with him. He may be feeling left out or that you have no time for him. Communication is the key.

My father had to move in with my husband and I very quickly as his health declined within a week due to a combination of factors. Now, my father has a problem with my husband because he does not work and I do in a very stressful job and in a losing battle to make ends meet. So my father's problem is he does not think my husband does enough to take care of our household or me. Of course him being not employed does allow him to take my father to his many doctor appointments. My husband and my dad do not talk much and my dad does not feel accepted by my husband and my husband is jealous of the private and intimate time that he has lost with me. It is a day by day process.

Between you and your husband, tell him you two need to see a marriage councilor for a marriage tune-up. There may be a big problem, it may just be jealousy over the time you now spend with your mother. My husband use to say that I would "change" when I was around my parents, change meaning I did not pay as much attention to him. Maybe your husband thinks something along those lines. He does not want to talk to you and your mother, he wants to talk to you, like he used to?? Just make the appointment, and tell him you (as both of you) are going because you are not happy and you want to fix that.

Good Luck and I hope it works out

OMG...sounds like a re-run of so many marriages!
Let me guess...hubby is approximately mid-life crisis age, and looking for any excuse to act out.
Being passive/aggressive keeps you fretting and guessing, which keeps you off-balance and in a great position to gradually be guilted into doing as he wishes one way or another, UNLESS you already recognize it as what it is, and make sure you let him keep his ownership of his emotions, and somehow get him to talk or at least listen to you talking as an adult willing to resolve whatever issues are at hand.

==SOME guys DO feel threatened when their wife suddenly brings home the bacon, EVEN when they say they support you in your choices verbally.
==Guys who are passive/aggressive will tell you they are FINE with Mom moving in, the 2 of you moving far away, etc.; will agree to just about anything, or not make any decisions....yet, underneath it all, they HATE what is being proposed--totally torn because they cannot tell others what they really want/need!
==Guys can also feel vulnerable and act out when they start having issues with ANY level of impotency.

IF your marriage relationship has had a hard row to hoe during it, this can be another manifestation of that, meaning there are unresolved issues you both need to work on more productively.

But yeah....no, I do not think Mom is the problem here, since your description does not sound as if she is causing problems.
It really sounds like DH has issues he has failed to deal with, and issues with choices he allowed and never spoke out in time on, and whatever else.

Is DH a veteran? MIGHT he have issues with PTSD?
OFTEN, guys who have been in service, been in war, have PTSD; part of that might manifest as unwillingness to tell others their preferences on choices given them, letting others do it instead, inability to discuss things, hide feelings, not want to go out, avoid crowds...any of those ring a bell?
IF so, you might want to explore getting help via the V.A. medical system. Many locations have great counseling and support groups, not only for the service members, but also the spouses. This is on a sliding scale per income, and partly covered more, if there is a % service related.

REALLY need some adult conversation.
It might look sorta like this, and keeping it as rational and logically in a quiet, even voice, as possible:
1. identify his behavior to him, short, sweet, to the point-only facts.
2. let him know how his behaviors cause you to feel.
3. let him know if and how his behaviors are damaging to your family unit.
4. ask him to either confirm or deny what you are observing, and have him explain how/why as appropriate.
5. if appropriate, ask him if he is doing anything that could threaten your marriage.
Be prepared to hear the worst, and maintain your cool.
Be prepared to have backup solutions for yourself.
Be prepared to think outside your usual comfort zones to help resolve the issues.
Keep in mind why you married him in the first place.
Be prepared to weigh the risk/benefit ratio for this family arrangement.

I sincerely hope things go well for you!

My husband and I go away for a long weekend every six weeks. I have a health care provider service that we use and I have friends and family stop by to check on my Mom unannounced. Mother has lived with us almost 18 months now. While we do not charge her rent, I request that she pay for the necessary sitters. Maybe you should surprise you husband with a weekend away filled with of his favorite activities. During that weekend a time will present itself to talk about how your life has changed and what you can do to continue to live a good life together, while caring for your Mother. If he is depressed, offer to go to counseling together, I would not make this about him. A good counselor will be able to see the problem. The counselor can make needed suggestions and guide you on the right path. Wishing you the best.

Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines here, but this doesn't look like primarily a mom's-living-here problem to me. It sounds more like a wife-has-a-real-job problem. Have you worked outside the home in the past during your marriage? What is different this time?

He is "too tired" for the practical solutions you suggest, such as going out together for a few hours. He says you don't talk to him and you say he is so grumpy you don't like being around him. Is this a vicious cycle?

Moving Mom to a care center or day-time care might be a solution, but only if Mom's presence is really the problem.

Somehow, it seems to me, that you have to discover, preferably together, what is the real nature of the problem. Only then can you work on suitable solutions -- again, hopefully together.

Your husband is being passive agressive. My husband is very good at this. Your husband is not happy but he is going to pout and punish you, but offer no solutions to the problem. Is he jealous of your mother or is he just being immature. Surely he knows you would love to have the time to take care of everyone else's needs but what about your needs.

He seems to be looking for something to complain about and that is a red flag for what is the "real" problem. He needs to talk to you as an adult. You have your hands full and he owes that to you.If mom is a problem, then you will have to look at what is more important to you. Your marriage or your mother. Hard times bring out the best or worst in people.

Problem solving is very difficult if the other person "will not talk." Based on your post, you are left to guess what might be troubling him. Guessing of course neve works. I am sorry he won't communicate what is going on with him so a solution can be explored. I gotta tell you. I dislike people who act unhappy/mad/dissatisfied but will not talk or explore possible remedies. Not talking drives me battie.

Don't know about any evening programs, at least none in my area.

Many assisted living places offer what they call respite care which is a very short term stay to give caregivers an opportunity to take a vacation or just get some temporary relief from the pressure.

i certainly apologise if anyone was offended by my post. edgy humor is helpful to some people but invariably offensive to others. its the nature of the " business" . elsewhere on this site are articles proclaiming the benefits of wry humor. ya cant win em all. im going to err on the side of laughing at lifes bitter blows every chance i get. the alternative is dismal and destructive.

I will disagree with many above as I don't see your mother who is still able to be left alone for a while, as the issue. I think your husband appears to be the needy soul who probably demands few responsibilities and much catering to.
Finding new arrangements for mom will probably not resolve this problem. He may have a depression or something which he could take care of with treatment. But I would not feel guilty about the job, the move or your mother's presence.

Good luck and I hope your mother continues to be as healthy as she is.

Elizabeth