After 18 months with mom living with us, my husband is unhappy and won’t talk about it. Advice?

I think it is time for a heart to heart talk with your husband. The symptoms he is showing are not healthy. It may be his own personal problems that may help to talk out. It may be that the marriage is in trouble and needs rescuing. I do hope you are able to patch things up

Your husband sounds depressed but it could also be low testosterone or low thyroid. I would suggest a check up with the doctor and then maybe some counseling.

You may need to come out and ask him what is making him unhappy.
You mentioned that his job was very stressful...it may be something at work has happened that has just increased the stress and if stress of having Mom living with you is making his life unbearable
maybe finding a new place for Mom would be a win win for everyone.

Maybe try doing something different once or twice a week. Make Mom's meal and then maybe have a barbecue in the backyard. Make it as special as you can.. Maybe some candles and a some alone time. No talking about Mom or jobs, just relaxation. Just a suggestion. It is so hard to find time for everyone. I know, I have Mom, hubby and grand kids. Sometimes it's hard not to get in a rut. Doing the same things day after day. Hugs to you all.

Or, tell your husband you're unhappy. Maybe he'll have a backyard barbeque for you. Every time a family has stress, it seems to be 'women's work' to keep the emotional ship afloat; 'fixing' everyone's issues but her own. Why?

if mother has any friends who live in AL maybe she could visit with them for a few hours each week. an AL may have a program in place to accomodate day visitors. if you can find mother some place to hang out a day or so a week you could greet your husband at home wearing that string thing and trust me, he'll put everything else on the back burner for a while to investigate the nu ( lewd ) dity..
there are many reasons that a guy get grumpy and every one of them have to do with his genitals. it isnt that complex after all..

My husband isn't happy with my mom living here either.Its not a fun thing for a husband to deal with.You cannot expect things to stay the same when so much has changed.The crack about the genitals isn't very funny to me.My husband had prostate cancer last year and he can't have sex.Would you enjoy living with his mother?Just some thoughts.I hope you get it worked out.

cmc, you and your husband are both in the same boat, you're BOTH unhappy about the living arrangements. The difference is, men don't talk about their 'feelings' and all us women do, IS talk about our feelings. I like the idea of separating mom from the equation a coupe times a week with the dinner thing, so you and your hubby can actually have a PRIVATE conversation. And don't be surprised when, although you're okay with him going out of town on business, he's not so happy about you doing the same. That means HE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER ALONE. No surprise there, that he's not thrilled. And I also understand what capnhardass is saying too, men are not as complicated as us women. They want to be respected, fed and need SEX more often then I think us women do. You need to make the first move in my opinion by fulfilling his needs FIRST. Make him happy, he'll bend over backwards to make YOU happy. Win Win. ♥

Cap'n, I am so glad you are on this site!

imho men are basically simple, feed 'em and f'em and they will be happy by & large Let them have their toys appropriate to their ability (so yes on the motorcycle but no on parasailing) - hopefully their toys are something you can participate in too (mine has a boat) even if it's not exactly what you'd like. And the sexual part can be many, many things that are sensual rather than sex. Hubby isn't happy that you have chosen mom over him and rightly so. Which is more important to you?

You had a "real" job when you were home taking care of everyone. Your job outside the house pays you for your work. I don't know if mom is your mom or your husband's mom, it can make a difference in him not wanting to leave her alone at night for a few hours, and can also stir other issues. I know it is difficult any way you look at it, you two don't have your privacy. I know I have a real issue with getting my privacy, so can only imagine if I had not only to look out for my very own privacy needs and the need for privacy as a couple. When intimacy on many levels is withheld you all suffer. Perhaps an Adult Day Center for mom to socialize at, she will not need to have you so much fulfill her social outlet. We all need to be able to have our own time and space. You need it, your mom needs it and so does your husband, along with you and him time. Anger at circumstances just festers if it is not brought out in the open to air, and release. You guys need some time to yourselves to get to know why you got together in the first place again, and then make a plan that works for everyone.

Does anyone know of evening places where I might be able to take Mom once or twice a month (or more)? Day centers aren't very good since neither my husband or me is at home during the day. We are both at work then. And it is my mother, not his.

Thank you all for the replies. Very helpful!

Hate to be redundant: SEX AND PASTA.
Your Mom needs to be second after your husband. Even my Mother, who was self-centered, would remind me during lucid moments to spend time with my husband. She always showed appreciation to him while living in our home, because he is a man:)

I will disagree with many above as I don't see your mother who is still able to be left alone for a while, as the issue. I think your husband appears to be the needy soul who probably demands few responsibilities and much catering to.
Finding new arrangements for mom will probably not resolve this problem. He may have a depression or something which he could take care of with treatment. But I would not feel guilty about the job, the move or your mother's presence.

Good luck and I hope your mother continues to be as healthy as she is.

Elizabeth

i certainly apologise if anyone was offended by my post. edgy humor is helpful to some people but invariably offensive to others. its the nature of the " business" . elsewhere on this site are articles proclaiming the benefits of wry humor. ya cant win em all. im going to err on the side of laughing at lifes bitter blows every chance i get. the alternative is dismal and destructive.

Don't know about any evening programs, at least none in my area.

Many assisted living places offer what they call respite care which is a very short term stay to give caregivers an opportunity to take a vacation or just get some temporary relief from the pressure.

Problem solving is very difficult if the other person "will not talk." Based on your post, you are left to guess what might be troubling him. Guessing of course neve works. I am sorry he won't communicate what is going on with him so a solution can be explored. I gotta tell you. I dislike people who act unhappy/mad/dissatisfied but will not talk or explore possible remedies. Not talking drives me battie.

Your husband is being passive agressive. My husband is very good at this. Your husband is not happy but he is going to pout and punish you, but offer no solutions to the problem. Is he jealous of your mother or is he just being immature. Surely he knows you would love to have the time to take care of everyone else's needs but what about your needs.

He seems to be looking for something to complain about and that is a red flag for what is the "real" problem. He needs to talk to you as an adult. You have your hands full and he owes that to you.If mom is a problem, then you will have to look at what is more important to you. Your marriage or your mother. Hard times bring out the best or worst in people.

Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines here, but this doesn't look like primarily a mom's-living-here problem to me. It sounds more like a wife-has-a-real-job problem. Have you worked outside the home in the past during your marriage? What is different this time?

He is "too tired" for the practical solutions you suggest, such as going out together for a few hours. He says you don't talk to him and you say he is so grumpy you don't like being around him. Is this a vicious cycle?

Moving Mom to a care center or day-time care might be a solution, but only if Mom's presence is really the problem.

Somehow, it seems to me, that you have to discover, preferably together, what is the real nature of the problem. Only then can you work on suitable solutions -- again, hopefully together.

My husband and I go away for a long weekend every six weeks. I have a health care provider service that we use and I have friends and family stop by to check on my Mom unannounced. Mother has lived with us almost 18 months now. While we do not charge her rent, I request that she pay for the necessary sitters. Maybe you should surprise you husband with a weekend away filled with of his favorite activities. During that weekend a time will present itself to talk about how your life has changed and what you can do to continue to live a good life together, while caring for your Mother. If he is depressed, offer to go to counseling together, I would not make this about him. A good counselor will be able to see the problem. The counselor can make needed suggestions and guide you on the right path. Wishing you the best.

OMG...sounds like a re-run of so many marriages!
Let me guess...hubby is approximately mid-life crisis age, and looking for any excuse to act out.
Being passive/aggressive keeps you fretting and guessing, which keeps you off-balance and in a great position to gradually be guilted into doing as he wishes one way or another, UNLESS you already recognize it as what it is, and make sure you let him keep his ownership of his emotions, and somehow get him to talk or at least listen to you talking as an adult willing to resolve whatever issues are at hand.

==SOME guys DO feel threatened when their wife suddenly brings home the bacon, EVEN when they say they support you in your choices verbally.
==Guys who are passive/aggressive will tell you they are FINE with Mom moving in, the 2 of you moving far away, etc.; will agree to just about anything, or not make any decisions....yet, underneath it all, they HATE what is being proposed--totally torn because they cannot tell others what they really want/need!
==Guys can also feel vulnerable and act out when they start having issues with ANY level of impotency.

IF your marriage relationship has had a hard row to hoe during it, this can be another manifestation of that, meaning there are unresolved issues you both need to work on more productively.

But yeah....no, I do not think Mom is the problem here, since your description does not sound as if she is causing problems.
It really sounds like DH has issues he has failed to deal with, and issues with choices he allowed and never spoke out in time on, and whatever else.

Is DH a veteran? MIGHT he have issues with PTSD?
OFTEN, guys who have been in service, been in war, have PTSD; part of that might manifest as unwillingness to tell others their preferences on choices given them, letting others do it instead, inability to discuss things, hide feelings, not want to go out, avoid crowds...any of those ring a bell?
IF so, you might want to explore getting help via the V.A. medical system. Many locations have great counseling and support groups, not only for the service members, but also the spouses. This is on a sliding scale per income, and partly covered more, if there is a % service related.

REALLY need some adult conversation.
It might look sorta like this, and keeping it as rational and logically in a quiet, even voice, as possible:
1. identify his behavior to him, short, sweet, to the point-only facts.
2. let him know how his behaviors cause you to feel.
3. let him know if and how his behaviors are damaging to your family unit.
4. ask him to either confirm or deny what you are observing, and have him explain how/why as appropriate.
5. if appropriate, ask him if he is doing anything that could threaten your marriage.
Be prepared to hear the worst, and maintain your cool.
Be prepared to have backup solutions for yourself.
Be prepared to think outside your usual comfort zones to help resolve the issues.
Keep in mind why you married him in the first place.
Be prepared to weigh the risk/benefit ratio for this family arrangement.

I sincerely hope things go well for you!

My father had to move in with my husband and I very quickly as his health declined within a week due to a combination of factors. Now, my father has a problem with my husband because he does not work and I do in a very stressful job and in a losing battle to make ends meet. So my father's problem is he does not think my husband does enough to take care of our household or me. Of course him being not employed does allow him to take my father to his many doctor appointments. My husband and my dad do not talk much and my dad does not feel accepted by my husband and my husband is jealous of the private and intimate time that he has lost with me. It is a day by day process.

Between you and your husband, tell him you two need to see a marriage councilor for a marriage tune-up. There may be a big problem, it may just be jealousy over the time you now spend with your mother. My husband use to say that I would "change" when I was around my parents, change meaning I did not pay as much attention to him. Maybe your husband thinks something along those lines. He does not want to talk to you and your mother, he wants to talk to you, like he used to?? Just make the appointment, and tell him you (as both of you) are going because you are not happy and you want to fix that.

Good Luck and I hope it works out

My husband knew I was worried about my mother living so far away and told me to bring her to live with us. When he realized that taking care of my mother was taking all of my time, he became upset. He is a selfish man and when I wasn't able to give him my undivided attention, he became angry inside.

We were living with his mother and I had been taking care of her for years but I guess my mother was different. I had given up a fantastic job and moved away from friends and family so we could be with his mother and help take care of.

Four months after my mother moved in with us, he got very angry one night and told me to "GET OUT." I packed up my mother and the children and we moved into our own little house. As difficult as this has been on me, I finally saw my husband for who he really was.....a very selfish, self-centered man. Life is hard for me but we are all much happier now.

Please be careful. You must talk with him. He may be feeling left out or that you have no time for him. Communication is the key.

Chimonger, I think you hailed it, actually. My husband does suffer from mild PTSD though not from a military experience. It is hard for him to admit it, though. It occurred to me yesterday that this might be affecting the situation.

And JeanneGibbs, I worked outside the home all of our marriage. Working at home when we moved here was the first time we took such a "scary" step. So I'm a little confused about why this came up when I once again got a job outside the house and got the security, again, of a steady income.

Also, he works longer day hours than I do so he is rarely at home with my Mom without me being there, too. When I worked at home, if he happened to have a mid-week day off, I could spend time with him. (He works in food service - no weekends off). Now when he has a day off, I still have to work.

I think you all are right, Mom isn't the real issue here. Thank you all for your input and support.

If your husband was ok prior to Mom moving in, then
the situation speaks for itself.
Lets not make husbands the villans here if they are not happy or cant manage with the additional stresses of care giving of an ill inlaw. Lord knows the stresses of caregiving are huge and often take a toll on the caregivers health....so lets have a little compassion for him.

If the situation is too much for him, his needs really do come first.
I have just heard many positive experiences of assisted living centers.
If your Mom can live alone there are elderly apartments.

I want to update everyone who was so helpful to me here. It turns out the issue isn't time or lack of time. It is money. The oldest issue, right? My husband is worried about possible financial entanglements since Mom has no assets and just gets social security. He meant that I was ignoring his advice and worry about finances. (PTSD makes communication and problem solving very hard.)

At least now I know where to focus my own problem solving skills and may post a new question related to financial issues and caregiving. Thank you all for the insight and especially the support. Knowing I can just spill it out to you all is such a relief!

Glad you finally found one of the trouble spots!
Knowing what those points are, makes things start being a bit easier.
Are you aware, that when you provide over half an elder's support, you get to use them as a deduction from your IRS taxes?
Sometimes, that means making comparisons to how much it would cost the elder to stay in a facility. Count every expense, and keep records.
OR, simply keep her finances separate from yours, and still keep records.
Thank you for keeping us posted!
Hope your DH is sometime able to get some help with PTSD...sometimes it takes a lifetime, and lots never do get help. These days, there are methods that help cope with it better. Techniques like EMDR, help desensitize the troublesome memories.

Hmm, Hubby agreed to moving to new state, finding new home & new jobs, AND having MIL move in with you. That was a very big leap of faith by hubby, and a challenge to any marriage. All went well with you working at home, until you started working outside the home. Now hubby is very out of sorts and communication has broken down between you. Sounds like Mom is not the primary problem. Find an oppty to get your husband alone-since he is 'too tired' to go out, perhaps take your Mom over to a neighbor for a couple of hours. Then get down to business with him and insist on talking it out. You mentioned that you had more time to yourself when you were working at home the first 15 months. Assume you also had more time for hubby. Was it a financial need that made you seek FT work? Are you so tired that you may be neglecting your own appearance? Now you work fulltime outside the home, which means you are tired too, and less time for hubby. It may be as simple as that - he feels neglected, and misses the 'alone' time with you. Point is, you have to literally pin him down and get to the heart of the issues. Maybe it could be as simple as getting someone in to help with household chores in order to free up your available time to spend with hubby. Maybe send Mom back to one of your siblings for a couple of weeks to give you and hubby a break. Everyone here has offered many helpful suggestions and are interested in knowing if any of them has worked for you. We would love to hear back from you!!

Men, Men, Men I will pray for you and Hubby. Try to get him to open up please do not play the gussing game you will loose. Let he know how you are feeling about the whole situation. Please do not get agrument, that will not be good.Fine out how he feels about what is going on in the home. and then both of you try to come up with a solution that you both can handle to solve the problem. Do not come up with the solution by yourself. He must be a part of the solution. Good luck.

I feel your pain. My mom and dad were both sick at the same time and myself and my siblings were taking turns taking care of them. It was very tolling on all of our families. A friend of my sister told us about this Home Health Agency. They went into my parent's home and helped them with everything. They cleaned, made meals, helped with bathing and dressing, went grocery shopping, even took them to appointments. We all chipped in for the service and it was fantastic. When we went to visit with my parents we could enjoy ourselves without worrying about their health issues. We had a girl live with them for $11.00/hr and when my parents got better we slowly lessened the hours. The name of the company was A COMFORT CARE, I am not sure of the number but I am sure you can find them on line. I think everyone at my age with elderly parents should know about these companies. Also, they were licensed, bonded, and insured and did background checks on the people who came into the house. At the end of the year we all split up what we paid for our parents care and used it as a tax deduction......Pass it on...

Never thought of a tax deduction; what category of deduction would it fall under? thanks for the name.