After 18 months with mom living with us, my husband is unhappy and won’t talk about it. Advice?

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My husband was very supportive of our moving to a new state, changing our jobs and living arrangements and having Mom move in with us. For about 15 months, I worked at home and had more free time. Now I have a real job outside the home and less free time. My husband is upset and says I'm not talking to him. We are all at home in the evenings when I am cooking for Mom and myself and he doesn't join us. If I ask him to go somewhere out of the house with me, he won't. Says he is too tired, which he probably is, since his job is so stressful.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm having trouble meeting everyone's social, physical, and emotional needs, as well as my own. My husband is so grumpy I don't want to be around him. And when his job takes him away from me, I don't complain. But it seems when my responsibilities take me away from him, he is unhappy.

I don't really have anyone here who can take Mom out at night. All family live about 2 hours away. We are able to go away and leave Mom alone for hours at a time, but he doesn't want to do that. Help!

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I think it is time for a heart to heart talk with your husband. The symptoms he is showing are not healthy. It may be his own personal problems that may help to talk out. It may be that the marriage is in trouble and needs rescuing. I do hope you are able to patch things up
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i certainly apologise if anyone was offended by my post. edgy humor is helpful to some people but invariably offensive to others. its the nature of the " business" . elsewhere on this site are articles proclaiming the benefits of wry humor. ya cant win em all. im going to err on the side of laughing at lifes bitter blows every chance i get. the alternative is dismal and destructive.
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Or, tell your husband you're unhappy. Maybe he'll have a backyard barbeque for you. Every time a family has stress, it seems to be 'women's work' to keep the emotional ship afloat; 'fixing' everyone's issues but her own. Why?
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Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines here, but this doesn't look like primarily a mom's-living-here problem to me. It sounds more like a wife-has-a-real-job problem. Have you worked outside the home in the past during your marriage? What is different this time?

He is "too tired" for the practical solutions you suggest, such as going out together for a few hours. He says you don't talk to him and you say he is so grumpy you don't like being around him. Is this a vicious cycle?

Moving Mom to a care center or day-time care might be a solution, but only if Mom's presence is really the problem.

Somehow, it seems to me, that you have to discover, preferably together, what is the real nature of the problem. Only then can you work on suitable solutions -- again, hopefully together.
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if mother has any friends who live in AL maybe she could visit with them for a few hours each week. an AL may have a program in place to accomodate day visitors. if you can find mother some place to hang out a day or so a week you could greet your husband at home wearing that string thing and trust me, he'll put everything else on the back burner for a while to investigate the nu ( lewd ) dity..
there are many reasons that a guy get grumpy and every one of them have to do with his genitals. it isnt that complex after all..
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I will disagree with many above as I don't see your mother who is still able to be left alone for a while, as the issue. I think your husband appears to be the needy soul who probably demands few responsibilities and much catering to.
Finding new arrangements for mom will probably not resolve this problem. He may have a depression or something which he could take care of with treatment. But I would not feel guilty about the job, the move or your mother's presence.

Good luck and I hope your mother continues to be as healthy as she is.

Elizabeth
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Your husband sounds depressed but it could also be low testosterone or low thyroid. I would suggest a check up with the doctor and then maybe some counseling.
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Your husband is being passive agressive. My husband is very good at this. Your husband is not happy but he is going to pout and punish you, but offer no solutions to the problem. Is he jealous of your mother or is he just being immature. Surely he knows you would love to have the time to take care of everyone else's needs but what about your needs.

He seems to be looking for something to complain about and that is a red flag for what is the "real" problem. He needs to talk to you as an adult. You have your hands full and he owes that to you.If mom is a problem, then you will have to look at what is more important to you. Your marriage or your mother. Hard times bring out the best or worst in people.
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You may need to come out and ask him what is making him unhappy.
You mentioned that his job was very stressful...it may be something at work has happened that has just increased the stress and if stress of having Mom living with you is making his life unbearable
maybe finding a new place for Mom would be a win win for everyone.
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My husband knew I was worried about my mother living so far away and told me to bring her to live with us. When he realized that taking care of my mother was taking all of my time, he became upset. He is a selfish man and when I wasn't able to give him my undivided attention, he became angry inside.

We were living with his mother and I had been taking care of her for years but I guess my mother was different. I had given up a fantastic job and moved away from friends and family so we could be with his mother and help take care of.

Four months after my mother moved in with us, he got very angry one night and told me to "GET OUT." I packed up my mother and the children and we moved into our own little house. As difficult as this has been on me, I finally saw my husband for who he really was.....a very selfish, self-centered man. Life is hard for me but we are all much happier now.

Please be careful. You must talk with him. He may be feeling left out or that you have no time for him. Communication is the key.
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