Mom living alone with dementia. Is it ok?

This sounds ideal, honestly. Let your mother continue the way it is now because unfortunately, dementia only gets worse. Look into home care for a time that you will need it in the future, in other words, have a plan. Let It Be for now and give thanks for this time for her and you. BTW: you are doing a wonderful thing for your mother to be there for her and so close as well. All the best!

If all she wants to do is sit in her own house with her four-legged companion, why on Earth should anyone insist that she move somewhere else? Why would we want to drag her, possible whimpering or otherwise expressing that she doesn't want to go, to anything -- day program, physical therapy, whatever?

We drag kids to things they don't want because we know that, developmentally, they're going to need the skills they can develop there. But aged humans are not generally developing new skills.

It makes sense to have her evaluated for depression vs dementia (and don't forget bloodwork to check for vitamin deficiencies, which can mimic dementia). But if dementia is her diagnosis, why would anyone want her to spend her days being miserable doing things she doesn't want to do with people she doesn't want to see?

I often wonder whether we, as a culture, are forcing people into ALs because that's the best treatment for the next generation's feeling of guilt and futility (and because marketing works). The best treatment for your sense of guilt might be self-forgiveness (because you can't fix this) and acceptance (of her condition and desires), rather than forcing her to make a move she doesn't want.

What about letting her enjoy her remaining time doing what she wants to do in her own house?

As for her isolation--I have read that more stimulation can retain some of the brain's abilities and responses a bit longer. Even if she doesn't enjoy being around the confusion and stimulation of noise, conversation, movement, people, social situations--it can still help her brain practice responding to sensory input. Conversation, however difficult it is, will force her to practice listening and speaking and following directions--she will be able to retain those skills a bit longer with daily practice--even if she doesn't like it! The same goes for walking, sitting down and standing up on her own. Consider having a physical therapist and occupational therapist come to the house to work with her on a regular basis. Consider bringing her to an adult day program, just try it once or twice, stay with her the first time if you can and gently encourage her to try to engage or participate in whatever way she can. It might not seem like she can do much, but if practice and stimulation can slow down her loss of skills, it's worth it. If she's screaming and biting as you drag her out the door, OK, that won't work out. But if she's just complaining or whimpering or ignoring you, she can keep complaining as you help her to the car and drive her to the adult day program. If she's not actually throwing things at the physical therapist, she could possibly be coaxed and nudged to engage. You might be surprised at how positively she will respond to other people while she totally ignores you--many others on this forum have noticed the same thing. Good luck!

How does she get along with her aide?

I wouldn't think that she would be lonely, honestly having someone with you for 3 hours a day and you in and out 3 or 4 times doesn't leave time to be lonely.

I would be more concerned about her ability to respond to danger. Would she know how to safely leave the house if, God forbid, there was a fire or the house filled with smoke? Would she understand if she needed to call 911 because she was in distress?

That would be my largest concerns.

Wow, sounds like a perfect situation for now! Maybe have a paid companion more hours. Nanny cam, good idea. Maybe a smoke alarm that calls the fire department if not shut off? A way to disable the stove and microwave when no one is there? Maybe talk with an expert about red flags that this situation is no longer perfect--such as wandering, fears, mom keeps calling 911, medical issues, mom lets strangers into the house, etc.

i am not worried that she will wander or turn on the stove. She only sits. That’s all she wants to do. She sits all day. The only time she will get up is when she goes to the bathroom or I take her out to eat or the doctors. In the winter she doesn’t like to go out at all because she’s always cold. I’m worried that she is lonely.

Alva asked important questions that will help responders provide appropriate answers. In the meantime for your sanity's sake you can increase the hours of her in-home care until the cost is equal to the cost of AL. It is very normal for her to become very upset, but maybe it may have to do with how your conversation around this topic unfolds, if it comes up in moments of exhaustion and contention and exasperation. This will never work.

With my inlaws I started by visiting places by myself first and gathering cost info (as this is not published on websites and they are resistant to quoting over the phone). Ask if they have a waiting list. Ask if they provide for Medicaid residents. Make sure they have care from AL to hospice so your mom will never need to move. Take pictures yourself, and don't show her the marketing brochures. Get pics of the residents doing things and maybe even inside an apartment. Show activity areas, grounds, etc. And ask about having a pet. THEN you can sit down to a nice, calm dinner and start a conversation about how you are not able to keep up with her care and maintaining your house. See if she's receptive or sympathetic. Show her more than 1 place so that she feels that she has "buy in" in the decision-making process for her future. Have answers if she is worried about paying for it. It may take more than one conversation so try to be patient. If she never comes around, some back to this forum for "next steps". Blessings!

Clearly you are seeing things that worry you? What are those things? Might she wander? Into the streets and get lost? Might she start a fire with cooking or the store or electrical equipment? You say she has dementia, but none of us can know the level you are speaking of. I wonder if you can tell us more.