Mom living alone with dementia. Is it ok?

Dad lived a long time in his 55+ apartment with moderate dementia, with supports as your mom is doing. In fact, you are doing better than I did. He was happy and I'm happy we could make it work for him. It was only when he started to fall and could not help himself or notify anyone (use his medical alert) that we moved him into Memory Care. By then he also needed help bathing. You need to have a backup for yourself in case you get sick.

They will usually let you keep your cat in AL as long as you can care for it.

There are behaviours associated with dementia which are risky, such as wandering, overmedicating, losing track of kitchen tasks, moving furniture around. Then there are others which are distressing for the person herself, such as feeling alone, lost, confused, frightened, and so on.

But it's the behaviours which are the problem, rather than the dementia label. If your mother's dementia isn't causing her to do much except slow down and sit tight in her chair; and she's frequently checked in on (and in her case, monitored); and there are no signs of any new concerns, then there isn't any rush when it comes to moving her from her home.

Does your mother wear a falls alarm? Are there smoke alarms in the house? Is there an emergency procedure - e.g. say you spot a problem on the monitor, who do you call, who can get there fast?

You've received some very helpful responses around here. Most of what I have read says that a person with dementia should not live alone, past the early stages of dementia. Some things that I would look to is if she would be okay if strangers came to the door. Would she let them in and provide them with personal information, sign a contract, let them have money, etc. Can she resist temptation from sales calls on the phone? Would she know how to react in case of fire or injury? I'd also keep check that she stays in the house when you're gone. My LO was a real homebody. She did not like the outdoors, but, she would leave her house and walk to neighbors houses, ringing their bell and telling them that she had no food! Of course, they knew this was not true, as I was there every day bringing her food, cooking her meals, leaving her snacks, etc. But, she was suffering from delusions. What if the neighbors had called the police? So, it can be concerning. People can start to wander at any time, even if if it's something that you never expected from her before.

My mom has lived with me for over 10 years. She exhibited symptoms of dementia for many of those years and was officially diagnosed with vascular dementia three years ago. She is now at stage 5-6. Last year I had to get a caregiver during the day while I am at work. My mom can no longer be left alone. Up until then she was fine. I had cameras and would call frequently and she would call me. My job is not very far from my house. I would make her lunch and leave it in the fridge - a sandwich so there was no cooking involved. She stayed in her recliner and watched TV all day. Last year she started having paranoid thoughts and anxiety. She wanted to leave. She was afraid. That meant I could no longer leave her alone. For her safety she is no longer left alone.
Now that I said all that, my short answer to your question is it varies from person to person and what stage your loved one is in. That is a decision only you, your family and his/her doctor will have to make. I would say for sure if your loved one exhibits any anxiety or fears then they should not be left alone. Someone like that would be prone to trying to get away. Also, it just isn't kind to allow them to sit in fear all day. My mom would get so scared she would get sick to her stomach. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Dementia cannot be predicted and everyone's path is different. There is no way to know how fast it will progress. The bottom line is your loved one's safety and you have a responsibility to make sure of that safety. My mom will be home with me as long as I can make sure she is safe. If there ever comes a time that I cannot do that, I will be forced to place her in a facility that can see to her safety. I am praying that will never happen, but there are no certainties with dementia.

Again, every situation is different and levels of dementia vary from one person to the next. The health and well being of our loved one is the most important thing. Safety is key and in the world that we live in that is vital. Talk to family and have a family meeting, along with mom and talk about decisions that must be made before an emergency situation arises, and emotion and desperation make your decisions for you.

My Father-in-law had to go to an assisted living-- he was allowed to almost burn his home down while his sons and daughters-in-law twiddled their less than intelligent thumbs-- almost as if they did not care or were too stupid to be aware of how much a danger to himself and the dog he was. We were very lucky a stranger stopped and put out the fire he had allowed to burn without watching in the fireplace... IF no one can watch a demented older person 24 hours aday then a better path must be chosen or one will be held accountable by Adult Protective Services-- one can find oneself looking a jail time and stiff fines for endangering a person who can no longer responsively care for him or herself. Be forwarned-- my Brother in law almost got his dumb self thrown in jail--- ask your self how the grandchildren will feel about the loss of a grandparent and also a father and mother if the law steps in and prosecutes for negligence.

Yes, it is ok to do what you are doing as long as you don't lose sight that as her needs evolve, you will need to consider a memory care unit. It's a journey.

You don't have to "stay long", primary objective: safety

Don't let your guilt feelings about not "visiting her" cloud your judgement.

We kept my mom and her cat going in her home. Lived 5 minutes away, went there everyday in the a.m. for her morning rise & shine, paid companionship twice a week for four hours, meals on wheels delivered, rollator to walk, showered her once a week, dressed & taken to our house on Sunday. All supervised with motion detectors on the doors and windows and two nanny cams (living room & kitchen). For six years. When she needed daily personal care (bathroom & anxiety issues) we found placement in a memory unit 1/2 block from her house and I still a,m. visit to check supplies and staff. When she is sleeping in her room or eating in the dining area, I don't disturb her.

Pay for 8 hour coverage and take a mini vaca whenever you can. Use the cams to keep and eye on what is going on at home. Immediately explore & develop interests outside of caregiving in the daily limited time you have available.

APS had my mom get 24/7 live in care when they felt she was no longer safe living alone with dementia. In her case, she has to use a walker & there are stairs to get out of her house.

She was at the the point where she couldn’t get out of the house on her own if there was an emergency & I don’t think she even would have been able to dial 911.