Am searching for advice. Don't know if it is time to place my elderly mother into assisted living. She has been living independently and does not want to leave her "home" and I understand that, but I am working full-time and cannot be with her 24 hours a day. She fell for the Grandparent scam last week and the Medicare (we need your checking account number to send you money) scam, approximately a year ago. I headed off the Medicare scam by getting to the bank in time to cancel checking account, however she wired $1,800 to Lima Peru, where supposedly one of her granddaughter was in trouble, without calling me or my niece's mother to verify...she got in the car, drove to the bank, drove to grocery store and wired the money without consulting anyone. She has other medical issues that so far have not made it appear necessary for her to need 24 hour care in regard to her health. Just would like to hear some advice as to what to do about this without trying to declare her incompetent, which she really is not. Want to help her keep her dignity, but also keep her safe. Please help!
However if you think she needs more supervision an assisted living facility would provide it, provided you could get her to go along with it. Get her an unlisted phone number when/if she moves.
My dad was very competent and was scammed out of $60,000. We could never pin down exactly where it went as he refused to discuss it, we just knew it was gone. I know he was scammed out of that money. When he lived with me he'd answer the phone and I'd hear him begin to give out his private information and I'd leap up from whatever I was doing and snatch the phone out of his hand, demanding to know with whom I was speaking. But unless I was home 24/7 I was unable to keep him from the phone all the time. And I had to put up a NO SOLICITORS sign at the front door.
Our elderly parents scrimp and save for years and years and then they hand their money over to these jackals. I don't get it. I begged my dad to not answer the phone but if it rang he would answer it. If I wasn't going to be home I'd let it go dead and made sure that he had his cell phone with him in the house. And if I was doing something at home where I couldn't get the phone if it rang I would let it go dead then too.
But in assisted living what's to stop your mom from doing the same thing again? If she needs more care AL would be perfect but don't move her to keep her away from scam artists. They'll find her in assisted living.
There's a "No Call" list you can find with one stroke on the internet, you can place your mom on that but it's not very effective. However, every little thing helps.
How about taking your mom's check book away from her? Taking over her finances yourself? Don't do is as punishment but in the spirit of wanting to help make her life easier. Someone needs to tighten up her finances so she won't be able to wire money to God-only-knows-where. And now that she has wired that money she's on some list somewhere and whoever got her to do that may come at her again. They now know she's vulnerable.
Do some research on assisted living and then have a talk with your mom. See how she feels about it. She may dig in her heels and refuse in which case you can only take precautions against her getting into trouble with scams again. Maybe think about hiring a caregiver who can watch out for her and help her a few hours a day.
Even if she's always been this impulsive, you may be able to curtail some of her "decisions" if you can control her credit cards and bank account.
What I'm thinking is that if she's competent, she may regret her actions and understand that she needs some help with money management. If she doesn't understand the risks she took, then she needs a neurological workup.
Good luck. It's always tough to take away independence and adult children shouldn't be in too big of a hurry to do that. Still, where there are signs of cognitive deterioration, sometimes intervention is necessary.
Carol
If it is a friend's number I forward the call to her and she thinks it rings straight to her. An unknown number I answer and take care of it. Then if it is a sales call or a scam I then that number to a block list on Google.
It sounds like I am policing everything she does but I was in a predicament before like janelouise and had an elderly family member fall for some of these scams. Once wired the money is gone.
Nanny (my grandma) has fallen prey to a couple of Medicare-related scams. One was authorizing a company to send their brand of blood glucose monitor, test strips and other diabetic testing supplies. They billed Medicare at a ridiculous rate (more than double what we had been paying for OneTouch-brand supplies) and they sent them automatically every 10 weeks or so for almost a year. I had to raise H3LL with Medicare for almost six months before they finally launched a fraud investigation. Ultimately, they back-charged over $4,000 to the company and they went out of business a few months later!
She gave them her Medicare number when the originally called and that’s what started it all. She also gave it to another person who called claiming to be from her doctor’s office. They tried to use the use the Medicare ID number as a SSN to open credit card and loan accounts! Luckily, her Medicare ID is my deceased grandfather’s SSN and not hers. His credit bureau and SSN both have a death flag and at least one person who tried using his SSN was arrested in Florida (we’re in Georgia).
Her ID, Medicare card, Secondary Insurance card, Social Security Card and any other identifying info is now kept in a lockbox that only I can open!
I have a caller ID display that I keep on in my pocket or on my desk when I’m at home so I can monitor all incoming calls and intercept any suspicious or ‘unknown’ callers. Someone is always with her whenever I’m not home, but I still forward all incoming calls to my cell phone so there’s no chance of another scammer making contact with her!
We live in a semi-rural gated community, but every once in a while someone manages to sneak in and they know which homes belong to elderly people. It pisses me off that there’s enough info in public records for them to figure out where to strike! The last time one showed up here, I called the armed security guard on duty and made the jerk stay here until he arrived to get him, then he delivered him to the sheriff deputy waiting at the gate house! (I won’t say exactly how I ‘made’ him stay put, but we all have guns here in North Georgia).
If your mom isn't making bad decisions at home (using the stove, leaving water running, wandering off, etc) and she can still take care of herself, you could put off looking at ALs, but I'd do some looking on my own so I'd be ready when a crisis hits and you have just days to find a facility and she's being discharged from a hospital.
Also, if she lived at an AL now she wouldn't be entirely protected from phone scams, but she'd have the distraction of a social life and the company of others to use as sounding boards - maybe wouldn't be as likely to fall prey to them. Remember, she was in charge all your life. You may not be the first person she thinks of when she wants advice on financial matters.
We still have no idea how the caller knew our son's name but I think we missed them paying out. Not sure. The sad thing is after that incident they felt the alz coming & spent money like drunken sailors so that no one could ever take it leaving them to nursing home medicaid. I tried so often to ask about medicare & SS & was given the defensive treatment like I was trying to spend their money. I am their only child. Now I am exhausted as an only caregiver. I tell you, I was trying to get an idea of what was to come my way. It hurt that they thought I was trying to take anything. My husband & I had way more. We'd have had no reason to need help. I think these scams are scary & a sad state of current society. They even know which areas of the country have the most elderly. They were in FL at the time.
Your mother may indeed have dementia, it is just early and you have not seen the full scope of what is going on. Get her to a Neurologist who deals with dementia and alzheimers so she can be tested. There are medications she can begin taking that can slow of halt the advancement of it, have her take it! I let my Mom bully me and yell at me that she was "fine and needed no help" but she did, she needed a lot of help and now we are years and years behind and now I need help as well because it has all become so overwhelming! Make sure you immediately get POA for financial and medical issues you will need it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Believe it or not, her mind is still very sharp even at 94! But her hearing has been getting progressively worse over the last 5-6 years. She has a difficult time understanding what people are saying on the phone unless it's one of the 10 or so people that call her on a very regular basis. She gets very frustrated whenever anyone other than family or one of her close friends from church calls because she can't figure out who the caller is and/or the reason for their call.
For the last 4-5 years, whenever I fill out forms at a doctor's office or hospital, I list my cell phone as the primary contact number and my mom's cell number for the secondary contact! So almost all legitimate calls for financial and medial purposes go directly to me. There are a few exceptions, such as a hospital bill from last April that still has a balance of $300 that I refuse to pay (Medicare instructed me to NOT pay that line item for $300 and I never will). Somehow, the collections department pulled our home phone number from her old records and they call and get her worked up every few months. Finally, I hand-delivered a cease-and-desist letter that my attorney drafted to get them to stop calling!
But as a rule, the only calls that should come through on the home line should be people that she knows! I've taught her to just hang up on anyone she doesn't know! After the Medicare scams, she readily ignores strangers on the phone or sternly tells them to NOT call back again!
Her arthritis has made it increasingly more difficult for her to write legibly and sign her name. She also sees that I pay all utilities and medical bills online, which is much faster, safer and saves a stamp! She also likes the fact that I scrutinize every medical bill and Explanation of Benefits from Medicare and BCBS before I pay any outstanding balance. At least 50% of the time, I find one or more errors and I adjust the payments accordingly. She knows that I save her money and don't pay a cent that she doesn't owe, so she's fine with me being the only one with access to the bank accounts!
I've learned how to get her on board with me taking control of things by showing her how it benefits her and makes her life simpler! I also print out the statement for each of the accounts every month, write the month/year and closing balance at the top of the front page with a Sharpie and put them in a 3-ring binder that we keep in a dresser drawer. I encourage her to look at them and ask me about anything, even if she wants to go over every transaction line-by-line. To my knowledge, she hasn't even looked at any of them for at least 3-years. I'm actually glad that she doesn't really pay them any attention because she has ran out of money several times in the last few years! As long as I can access cash to deposit in her checking account when she runs out, that's all that matters. I've spent about $4k over the last 24 months doing that, but I'm happy to give her the money and I'm just thankful that I have it to give! She would worry herself sick about it and she wouldn't take the money from me without a fight, so she doesn't need to know. It's sad that she my step-grandfather thought he left her with plenty of cash savings to provide for whatever she needed when he died in 2007.
My other grandma (dad's mother) died in 2012 and she was in the same situation. My grandpa died in 1998 and left her with about $200k in savings. The house and her car were paid off, but the cost of living, maintaining her house and the adjacent rental house that she owned and a lot of medical bills in the last few years or her life took every penny of it and then some! =( I just funneled enough in to cover the shortfall each month and she was never the wiser. My dad insisted on paying it all back to me out her life insurance after she passed, but I never expected or planned to get any of it back. But now I'm using it to do the same for my other grandma (mom's mom) and they were best friends, so she would have wanted me to do that! =)
I can't help but wonder, since both of my grandmas ran out of money, how many seniors are out there in the same situation? How many of them are low on funds or out of money totally and don't have anyone to help them out financially???