Your sister and you don't "owe" your mother caregiving.
If mom needs caring for several hours a week so you don't burn out, she has some choices.
1. She can private pay through an agency. 2. She can see if she qualifies for some hours through the local Area Agency on Aging. 3. She can apply for Medicaid. 4. She can move to a facility with other seniors she can interact with. 5. She can go to Adult Day Care several days a week.
”Yes of course family are first choice” I think I might have to disagree a bit with that statement.
If I had felt early on that I had “choices” about being a caregiver, my answer would in fact have been an emphatic “NO”.
As it happens, everything worked out in all the cases in which I was the hands on caregiver and also when I was a case manager trying to work through care during COVID, but in one case I gained 60 “stress pounds” and in another I wound up living on 4-5 hours of sleep each night.
So in terms of your personal situation Denny1534, you were there, and however you did or didn’t “decide” you took this on. NEITHER of you had to do this, but you did.
Now your decision really is determined ing your mother’s potential resources, determining how to best use what can be paid for by those resources, and arranging for whatever you can.
Family situations like yours can sometimes be worked through amicably, and sometimes cause fractures in trust that can never be fully repaired.
It may help you feel better right now if you do the research. If you KNOW if there are financial resources, a good start. If you don’t KNOW, DO NOT ASSUME. Get facts.
Try to keep your sister informed about what you’re doing, but don’t set yourself up expecting help. She chose, and you chose.
Hope you find some answers for YOURSELF. You ARE worth the effort.
This topic is all too familiar. Why did you decide to take mom in vs. placing her? Did you have a conversation with your sister from the get go...like " I am thinking of taking mom in, but in order to do that, I would need help from you to take her part of the time or to relieve me so I can travel or go to the store or whatever". If you didn't talk with sis about it before hand, she may not have any desire to do any of the caregiving. She may have wanted to place mom. So I think we need a little history as to how the decision was made and what your sisters feelings on the matter were. If you just ran with it and there was no decision making made with your sister, she may decline. It doesn't hurt to ask, but just be prepared that she may say no.
If your truly asking for just visits, than just plainly ask her . Don’t get upset with her answer. Maybe she can help. You cannot plan her life. As this is a long term commitment.
This is generally the issue when you take on caregiving. You need to respect her answer.
when my in laws were not able to be home alone , my SIL tried to plan my retirement. Meaning my husband take a day, me, take a day. Lock in . No, I was not doing that. It was ugly, and hurtful when she wouldn’t take no for an answer with slams in a family thread. This got at my marriage. I did not work since I was 15 to be a caregiver in retirement.
"I need you to help me with mom for more than 2-3 hours a week in order to prevent me from burning out."
Then come up with a list of what exactly you DO need from her: 1: help from X to X times on X days per week 2: help every other weekend from Friday at X time until Sunday evening at X time so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves. 3: help with bathing on X day every week. 4: help with you cooking dinner on X day(s) every week
And so on.
My other advice is to use mom's money to hire in home help to give you respite. Neither you nor your sister owe your mom in-home caregiving as you've been told. Nothing is a foregone conclusion. In reality, your mother may require more care than either you or your sister is capable of giving her. My mother, for instance, required 24/7 care in a Memory Care Assisted Living community b/c she was wheelchair bound, incontinent, and had moderate dementia at the time she went into Memory Care, which was way more than I could manage myself. She wound up with advanced dementia, CHF and other health issues that required 2 people to assist her to even get out of BED in the morning and to be toileted, never mind changed in the middle of the night!
Some things are out of the scope of our abilities, especially as retired folks who shouldn't be expected to be doing caregiving at THIS level. This is why managed care facilities are cropping up like wildflowers on every street corner in America.
Wishing you the best of luck arriving at a satisfactory conclusion for care options for your mother which also take YOUR needs into consideration. Your life is important too, not just mom's.
A roster with X this & X that on X day was attempted by a sibling to my DH. When he finished laughing he explained matter-of-factly that HE rostered HIS time - end. He would offer what he decided to - end.
My dad became sick at age 90. My mother, who was his wife of 70 years, wouldn’t help with anything, and it was within her capacity to do many useful things, such as go with her paid companion to shop or run errands. I asked Dad’s sister, my aunt, to help by staying with him for one night with his 24/7 caregiver present. She was too busy running around to her civic meetings and lunch with friends. She complained constantly about how he was being cared for and refused to believe he had dementia. These two people who should have stepped up to do something, anything, let me down and weren’t nice about it either. They didn’t help because they knew I would do everything necessary. But what if I hadn’t? What if you didn’t? We don’t know until we try it. PS. The truth is that people like your sister and my mother and aunt don’t care. They really really don’t.
I hate to say it, but don't count on your sister to step up if she hasn't already done so. You may have to find ways to get caregiver help without her. Connect with a local social worker to discuss her and your options. Much will depend on her finances. Is your sister willing and able to contribute money to hire caregivers, if she doesn't want to do it herself? Get your mother on Medicaid if she has a low income and ask for any caregiving help that is available. At the very least, there are programs that pay family caregivers. That might help, as it will give you more resources. Have a Plan B, in case her care gets to be too much for you. Your basic options are getting in-home care, or moving her to an assisted living/skilled nursing facility. All the best to you, and be proud of yourself that you are the responsible and caring one for your mother. Don't feel guilty if you have to place her in a facility. If it comes to that, try to find something close so that you can visit often and be active in overseeing her care.
My sister will throw money at ANYTHING and for ANY AMOUNT--but she WILL NOT do hands on caregiving.
At first, I thought she was being kind of mean, but all she was doing was looking at the situation with mother and realizing she is NOT a natural CG and wasn't interested in trying. When mother chose a really nasty rehab facility for her after-hip replacement, and she realized it was, in fact, the rat hole I told her it was--she threw a fit. Blamed ME (I was not at fault in any way shape or form for her bad decision.) She told me to GET OUT and not come back. So I did.
I called OS and she scouted out a much nicer place, negotiated a good rate (8 weeks there) and handed over her Platinum Amex for the difference between the rat hole and the lovely convalescent center. Mother was moved within 4 hrs. And OS never even SAW her. Let her go by ambulance to the new facility.
I have never asked OS to do anything for mother. It's absolutely pointless.
No matter how much she is asked, she will not do hands on. Again--willing to pony up any amount of money to solve whatever problem, but will not do a single hands on anything.
There's no point in doing any kind of guilt-tripping or begging to get family involved who do not want to be. It's just life.
this Is a blessing too, though. This stuff is insanely expensive. My parents have enough to cover 7-10 years. Knowing they could outlive their money and paying for all the things you pay for when caregiving is rough. And to people without money? This would be such a weight off. The money part is Super stressful to me.
Well 2=3 hours a week is more than many of us get.. MAybe dont tell her you need help, but ask her? You got cut off, does she work 3 days a week or 3 hours? I work 3 days a week and sometimes I still don't have enough time, between my hubs apts and mine. She may be unaware of the hard time you are having. I am guessing if your mom is 95, you are my age or older. Is your sister older? Its hard to guess what she is going through. I wish you luck!
I’d suggest that you talk through the options with your sister. You are burning out and something has to change. The options are:
1) Mother goes to a facility, because you cannot continue to do this. Each of you can visit as little or as much as you want. Depending on mother’s remaining life, this may take all of her funds, so neither of you will receive an inheritance. 2) You can split her care more evenly with sister, so that you cope better. 3) You hire carers, with mother paying, for the respite time you need. This will also make an impact on inheritance, as carers around the clock cost more than a facility. Mother will need to agree, but you can make a stand that it has to happen or you can no longer care for her. Nothing can force you to do it 4) You can agree with mother for her to pay you and sister for care. This may make it a more acceptable option for sister, and perhaps even for you. If you choose this option, come back to ask about the details you need to know (contract, taxes, insurance etc).
For any of these suggestions to work, you have to be willing to stand your ground. You cannot force your sister to do more, she has to see it being in her best interests. And neither mother nor sister can force you to continue the way things are, even though that is probably what both of them would prefer.
If mom needs caring for several hours a week so you don't burn out, she has some choices.
1. She can private pay through an agency.
2. She can see if she qualifies for some hours through the local Area Agency on Aging.
3. She can apply for Medicaid.
4. She can move to a facility with other seniors she can interact with.
5. She can go to Adult Day Care several days a week.
Or.. stop & think about this. Is this statement actually true?
Yes of course family are 1st choice - the easiest to trust BUT not everyone is a caregiver..
Yes I'd bet you most certainly do need a break!
Just skip waiting for a sibling to ride in if this is not their skill/interest & find someone else else to trust.
Ask yourself if a regular paid sitter twice a week would be better than a reluctant, maybe I can drop by.. from a sibling.
Just drop one word: from "I need *HER* help" to "I need help".
If I had felt early on that I had “choices” about being a caregiver, my answer would in fact have been an emphatic “NO”.
As it happens, everything worked out in all the cases in which I was the hands on caregiver and also when I was a case manager trying to work through care during COVID, but in one case I gained 60 “stress pounds” and in another I wound up living on 4-5 hours of sleep each night.
So in terms of your personal situation Denny1534, you were there, and however you did or didn’t “decide” you took this on. NEITHER of you had to do this, but you did.
Now your decision really is determined ing your mother’s potential resources, determining how to best use what can be paid for by those resources, and arranging for whatever you can.
Family situations like yours can sometimes be worked through amicably, and sometimes cause fractures in trust that can never be fully repaired.
It may help you feel better right now if you do the research. If you KNOW if there are financial resources, a good start. If you don’t KNOW, DO NOT ASSUME. Get facts.
Try to keep your sister informed about what you’re doing, but don’t set yourself up expecting help. She chose, and you chose.
Hope you find some answers for YOURSELF. You ARE worth the effort.
This is generally the issue when you take on caregiving. You need to respect her answer.
when my in laws were not able to be home alone , my SIL tried to plan my retirement. Meaning my husband take a day, me, take a day. Lock in . No, I was not doing that. It was ugly, and hurtful when she wouldn’t take no for an answer with slams in a family thread. This got at my marriage. I did not work since I was 15 to be a caregiver in retirement.
"I need you to help me with mom for more than 2-3 hours a week in order to prevent me from burning out."
Then come up with a list of what exactly you DO need from her:
1: help from X to X times on X days per week
2: help every other weekend from Friday at X time until Sunday evening at X time so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves.
3: help with bathing on X day every week.
4: help with you cooking dinner on X day(s) every week
And so on.
My other advice is to use mom's money to hire in home help to give you respite. Neither you nor your sister owe your mom in-home caregiving as you've been told. Nothing is a foregone conclusion. In reality, your mother may require more care than either you or your sister is capable of giving her. My mother, for instance, required 24/7 care in a Memory Care Assisted Living community b/c she was wheelchair bound, incontinent, and had moderate dementia at the time she went into Memory Care, which was way more than I could manage myself. She wound up with advanced dementia, CHF and other health issues that required 2 people to assist her to even get out of BED in the morning and to be toileted, never mind changed in the middle of the night!
Some things are out of the scope of our abilities, especially as retired folks who shouldn't be expected to be doing caregiving at THIS level. This is why managed care facilities are cropping up like wildflowers on every street corner in America.
Wishing you the best of luck arriving at a satisfactory conclusion for care options for your mother which also take YOUR needs into consideration. Your life is important too, not just mom's.
Worth a go as a conversation starter..?
At first, I thought she was being kind of mean, but all she was doing was looking at the situation with mother and realizing she is NOT a natural CG and wasn't interested in trying. When mother chose a really nasty rehab facility for her after-hip replacement, and she realized it was, in fact, the rat hole I told her it was--she threw a fit. Blamed ME (I was not at fault in any way shape or form for her bad decision.) She told me to GET OUT and not come back. So I did.
I called OS and she scouted out a much nicer place, negotiated a good rate (8 weeks there) and handed over her Platinum Amex for the difference between the rat hole and the lovely convalescent center. Mother was moved within 4 hrs. And OS never even SAW her. Let her go by ambulance to the new facility.
I have never asked OS to do anything for mother. It's absolutely pointless.
No matter how much she is asked, she will not do hands on. Again--willing to pony up any amount of money to solve whatever problem, but will not do a single hands on anything.
There's no point in doing any kind of guilt-tripping or begging to get family involved who do not want to be. It's just life.
1) Mother goes to a facility, because you cannot continue to do this. Each of you can visit as little or as much as you want. Depending on mother’s remaining life, this may take all of her funds, so neither of you will receive an inheritance.
2) You can split her care more evenly with sister, so that you cope better.
3) You hire carers, with mother paying, for the respite time you need. This will also make an impact on inheritance, as carers around the clock cost more than a facility. Mother will need to agree, but you can make a stand that it has to happen or you can no longer care for her. Nothing can force you to do it
4) You can agree with mother for her to pay you and sister for care. This may make it a more acceptable option for sister, and perhaps even for you. If you choose this option, come back to ask about the details you need to know (contract, taxes, insurance etc).
For any of these suggestions to work, you have to be willing to stand your ground. You cannot force your sister to do more, she has to see it being in her best interests. And neither mother nor sister can force you to continue the way things are, even though that is probably what both of them would prefer.
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