My mom is like a vampire and sucks the life from me until 3 AM. How can I get her to stop?

This is just a "misery loves company" comment - I find it absolutely frustrating and, depending on the bandwidth of emotional strength of the day, infuriating that I cannot have a single interaction with my father that does not involve a run-and-fetch clause. That's it. You have several people who are giving wonderful advice. I just wanted to let you know I'm in the trenches with you. :)

I know this sounds simplistic, but just say no. Mom wants a long list of chores done at her whim, tell her you will get to them when you have the time. Just because she wants to stay up until dawn doesn't mean you have to keep her company, say good night at a reasonable time and go to bed. I'm don't know the back story to your question, but setting boundaries applies whether your mom has dementia or is a self centred narcissist, as the saying goes you can't be a doormat if you don't lie down. If your mom has a medical reason for being up all night - has she got dementia? - then that needs to be discussed with her doctor.

I just checked your profile ans saw that she has Alzheimer's. You can't fix a broken brain and it is unrealistic to expect her to change her behaviour, it has to be up to you to manage it. I hope you have the authority to discuss things with her doctors and that she has someone who is understanding of the problems that can arise from anxiety and sleep disturbances, which effect both the patient and the caregiver. She needs to sleep at night so that you can too, the rest will seem so much less hard when you are not sleep deprived.

When my husband was up, I was up. No amount of boundary setting would reduce the risks involved in him being up alone all night, given his dementia. (I couldn't leave him alone at home during the day, either.) This is why it was critical to solve his sleep disturbance problems medically. Between a sleep psychiatrist and a behavioral neurologist, both of whom were experts on his kind of dementia, we came up with a drug routine to help him sleep at night, and to be alert during the day.

I guess an alternative would have been to hire an aid for a night shift and for me to move into a separate room. That really didn't appeal to me, but it might work better with a parent.

I think with dementia "tough love" and "setting boundaries" really don't apply. But you can't have the life sucked out of you each day until 3 am!

I'm assuming that you are up because your mother is up. Or are you up until the wee hours because that is the only time you can get your household chores done without her constant interruptions? If that is the case, there might be different approaches to the solution.

1) Have Mom out of the house for several hours a few days a week, so you can have uninterrupted time to manage the household. Look into the Adult Day Health Programs available in your area.
2) Hang a white board for a to-do list. When Mom wants a task done and you are in the middle of something else, write her request on the board. When you later get to her task, ask her to cross it off. This at least reassures her that her things are important and that you will get to them.
3) Lower your housekeeping standards a bit. Not to the point it dismays you, but perhaps you could tolerate a few dust bunnies now and then. And ironing her clothes? -- sounds like she's due for an updated no-iron wardrobe.
4) Hire someone to do many of the household tasks. Giving Mom attention is something that you do best, but nearly anyone can clean floors.

It sounds like your mom is fairly alert and interested in things. That is good! If she sat and stared out the window all day you could get more done, but you'd probably feel more sad about her limitations. Admire her little lamb figurine. Ask her where she got it, how long she's had it, or ask if there were lambs on her farm. Looking at her treasures over and over is very boring, but at least sometimes turn it into an opportunity to interact with her.

cwillie is absolutely right. Unless your mom has a gun to your head there's no reason for you to force yourself to stay up all night looking at knick-knacks and surfing ebay.

And "boundaries" is the magic word. It's the word that will bring you some peace and some rest. Regardless of the circumstances when we're caring for our elderly parents we must establish boundaries.

So say "no" to your mom. It might ruffle her feathers at first but just keep working on your boundaries.

I agree with Jeanne, when a person with Alzheimer's is awake, someone needs to be up monitoring. A Damaged brain has a hard time being reasoned with. You do not have to be a slave though ;-). You may try some other things to assist with sleep. Try to develop a schedule. Get her up in the morning and get her in some sunlight. Discuss the sleep with her doctor. Keep her active in the daytime. Take walks, etc. When my mom was having issues in the evenings, we found that it was time to remove some stimulation from the environment. We removed reflective surfaces like mirrors, display cases (she has kachinas in cases), closed drapes, even removed some pictures from the walls.

My mom is now in stage 7, the final stage. One thing I can tell you is, "this too shall pass"!

Jeannie has some good points. You may want to try Daycare. Mom's picked her up and dropped her off. She got breakfast and lunch. This will give you time to get things done without being interrupted. Some time to yourself. If Mom has no money of her own, she may qualify for help from Medicaid. Iron! What do u iron? I take clothes out of the dryer a soon as they are done. If I hang to dry, once dried I put them in the dryer with a damp wash cloth and put the dryer on high and tumble for a few minutes. The steam created by the cloth steams the wrinkles out.

My husband is stroke victim with mild dementia. I hear you! I do tell him no when he's not reasonable. It can be a argument but I have my limits. No reason to iron theses days. That should be one of your no's. I close my door and go to bed when I'm tired. I still work full time. He watches tv till late into the night.

When a LO has dementia, we may need to adjust our responses and how we handle things once their progression reaches a certain point. Keep in mind that her brain is not working properly and that the signals that we think should alert them that enough is enough, it's late, you're tired, it's bedtime, etc. is NOT working with them. She relies on you to set the stage, set the schedule and basically RUN the show now. We can't allow them to run the program, because they are not capable.  Expecting her to remember when it gets too late or what things you may have told her is not realistic.  It'll be up to you to manage her time and yours. 

I'd try to come to terms that it's not disrespectful or rude. It's necessary and required. You know what activities, requests, work, you can do and how much time you have to devote. When, that is done, say, it's time to stop and then stop. Be firm, kind and pragmatic. She will adjust and accept it. This is for the benefit of you both. Your mom may go on too late. She may need to be directed to her bed at a reasonable hour. Eventually, all of their daily activities must be supervised and/or directed.

Probably one if not the most frustrating things about caregiving. I think most of us tried to do it all at some point, then you just have to say no, and you'll say no to the same thing every day over and over. It would be nice if we all could hire help all the time, if at all, not a reality for everybody and adult day care is not available everywhere either, I wish it were. A lot of people can't even find family to step in so you can get a break. I would say use whatever you can to help yourself, whether it's changing up your mom's schedule, like with kids you give them a bath at night before bed so they sleep better. Maybe finding something that will take more of her focus away, something she might repetitively enjoy doing every day, record her favorite shows that keep her occupied, so you can have her watch those late at night. Some people are on meds that cause drowsiness, and some are surprising, make sure she takes those at bedtime and not in the morning or the middle of the day. No caffeine or sugar after a certain time. Also sometimes you just have to put what you do to take care of someone on a schedule for yourself and them, do what's needed to take care of them on a daily basis, and the rest has to wait, it just does, and just tell mom it's on your list.

At this point you are the parent and she is the child, so act accordingly and things should get much better. I felt the same way about my mom until I took charge and stopped allowing my life to revolve around hers. In fact, I used the same terminology about her sucking the life out of me.