What do I do when mom lies to my siblings and then they scream at me?


My Mom tells lies to my half-sisters, then the one closest to me in age screams and yells at me about it.

A little background, Since I moved here over 3 years ago I have figured out that Mom likes drama. She loves the screaming and yelling it causes and all the phone calls back and forth in the aftermath of such events. I, on the other hand, hate the drama and all that it entails. I avoid it with her when she tries to start it by not playing into it, and walking away.

For example, I found out last night that K (half-sister) has been told that we (my boyfriend & myself) force my Mom to stay in her bedroom. For one I would not do that to my Mom. She can go anywhere in the house she likes, she chooses to stay in her room. As a matter of fact, we about have to force her to leave her room.

Another one she did was to call K and tell her we were moving, just to hear her yell and scream and call me names. After she did that one she called my boyfriend into the room and told him what she did and laughed about it.

K will not and has not listened when I have explained how Mom does these things.

I just wish Mom would realize that what she is doing and stop it. But, I suppose since she's been doing this since I can remember it will never change.

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I don't mean to be sarcastic or critical. I am just wondering if you have considered asking the critical half-sister to take care of your mother? Perhaps it's time for you to have a permanent break from caregiving?
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PurpleDolphin, check "covert narcissism" and see if it fits your mother. A lot of people are covert narcissists. I don't know if it fits your mother or if maybe she is just a drama queen gossiping about people.

My mother is a covert narcissist who used to talk about her kids behind their backs. The end result is my father hated one son almost from the time he was born, and didn't care for two other children. It also turned the children against each other. The only thing I can figure is she wanted to be the boys' only person, or maybe she didn't have motive to her negative talking. It really made no sense what she did. She also talked to neighbors about us, so we learned to never tell her anything. The neighbors thought us bad children. She tore my father away from his mother with her words, then blamed his mother for it. The mouth is a very destructive thing. Sad thing is that the final payoff for them is everyone avoids them as well as each other. It's a losing game.
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Good Morning,
Thanks everyone for your comments

Guestshopadmin - I question the ALZ/dementia diagnosis. When she first went to the neurologist I asked about her having a terrible short term memory, (it had only been going on for a few months at the time.) I was told that it was due to the TIA's she had because the stroke affected the vision part of her brain. Mom was given exercises to do to help with memory that she totally refused to do. Then one day the occupational therapist came when she was playing cards on her tablet and told that was really good for her memory and everything else was done. That pretty much gave her permission to play on the tablet for hours on end.

I do realize that her brain is damaged, I have tried time and again to explain this to my half-sisters, one understands the other even if she does understand she likes the excuses to not visit Mom. It's much easier to pick a fight with me and make it seem my fault and say she won't ever come back down here and I am to blame for that. It's the same tactic she's used since we were children, pick a fight out of ear shot, then make sure you scream and yell so you can be heard then I'm the one that started it and I am in the wrong. The only difference that she just doesn't see is I am an adult and can remove myself from that BS.

I'm the logical one, and looking back over the last 35 to 40 years I have wondered if Mom is a narcissist. Some of what I've read about it fits to a T and some does not.

Well, I have finally come to a discussion about everything. I will take care of Mom as long as I am able to, and she still has enough sense about her right now that I just told her the lying about people and to people has to stop from all sides and if it does not I will remove the 3 of us from this stressful situation to another state. I'm am looking out for her and she does not need the stress of what my half-sister does.

JoAnn29 - Well here's the funny thing about having them read up on ALZ. This half-sister worked in an ALZ unit when I informed her of what the doctor said she knew and told me what would happen. So she knows, she just likes the drama just as much as Mom does.

As for the phone, we have tried several things. The problem is it's her phone and she pays for it. When the lines go down (we live in a rural area so it does happen) there is a major melt down because the phone is not working.

Sendhelp - I wasn't home when she called him in there to tell him the trouble she stirred up. And besides she has spells where her blood pressure drops and she passes out and he not the type to ignore her calling him in there because that could be the reason she needs him to come in her room.
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Dear PurpleDolphin88,

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. I know taking care of an elderly parent is very challenging. For your own well being maybe its time to consider assisted living or a nursing home. I don't know if family therapy is an option. I know sibling relationships are very challenging. Maybe try to get together with all the siblings and go over mom's situation. It sounds like things are escalating and for yourself and your boyfriend it might be time to consider other options of care.

My mom is also known to be a trouble maker in her family. There is something in her personality. I have always been the peacemaker. I took care of my dad till his passing, but I don't think I will do that for my mom. She has already said she would go willingly into a nursing home. For my own mental well being that might be the only option.
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Tell your boyfriend to never respond to being called into the room by your Mom.
Say that you will handle it.
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You sister needs to read up on Alzheimers/Dementia. Or go to a seminar together. One of our Assisted Living Facilities are giving them all the time. As said, she needs to understand that Mom's mind is no longer "normal". That she has lost the ability to reason. (I think this is the first thing to go now I look back). That she is now like a child. If you sister continues to believe Mom, then tell her to take Mom in for a while. And, this is what I would do. If it's a cell phone, hide it and tell Mom she must have miss placed it. I would make sure none of my other phones were where she could get to them. I just said in another thread that I have a cordless and I put it and the base in a cupboard that was near the outlet to keep it from my grandson. Some phones that have caller ID and voicemail need to be plugged into an electrical sourse, unplug and they can't be used at all.
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PD88, you state in your profile that your Mom has dementia. That means her brain is broken. You also describe what is called a narcissist. My mother said that lots of them play the game "Let's watch you and them fight". It will NOT get better. There are tons of posts on this site where people have tried to fix a broken parent that "has always been this way". Short of therapy and medication, it won't change. Your mother will continue to stir the pot and create drama. You have to decide if you can just live there and endure the drama or find a placement for your parent that helps Alzheimer's patients. Teepa Snow does a series of videos on you tube that describe how to deal with Alz patients. If you want to read stories, type the word narcissistic mother in the search bar and you can find others that have been in your shoes. Boundaries can help you deal with a narcissistic, but broken brains and personalities will never change.
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