What can I do if my mom keeps telling me she wants to die?

Dear dharrison,

I can understand it is extremely stressful to hear what your mom is saying. I wonder if you can consult with her doctor about medications. Is your mom depressed? Is her dementia getting worst? Is she in decline?

I know, no adult child wants to hear their mother or father say they want to pass. We just don't. But sometimes in their own way, they are communicating their own unhappiness about their situation and its not torment their adult children. My father also said this after his stroke. I tried to do my best for him. I wanted him to be happy but sometimes old age just takes its toll on people. I sort of wished I went to counselling sooner so I knew how to cope better with this phase of life.

Your mom has dementia, right?

Don't yell at her. Bad idea, for many reasons.

Her brain is broken. She can't always help what comes out of her mouth. Yelling won't make her stop saying it. She's not doing it to hurt you.

Talk to her doctor about medications that may improve her mood. Also, make absolutely certain that she's not in pain. My mom lost the ability to indicate pain accurately. " I want to die" could mean " I'm in dreadful, unremitting pain, help me".

My mom thought she had leprosy last summer. And that I knew all about it and wouldn't help her. It was very sad, heartbreaking and maddening. Sometimes you have to walk away and cry. Or pound the wall, or laugh.

But don't yell.

Along with yelling at your mom, typing in all caps is often interpreted as yelling online. Do you feel that somehow that you will not have much of a life once your mom does die?

I think that some of your anger may actually be part of anticipatory grief plus anger at what her brain disease is doing to her. I think it would be helpful to find someone to talk about this with who can help you in your journey.

I agree with cmagnum. I hear what you're saying about your mom and I know it's frustrating but right now I'm a little concerned about you. When was the last time you had some time away from your mom? There are nursing homes that offer respite care. Your mom would be a guest for a few days while you got some rest and some peace of mind. Your mom would participate in activities, have dinner with others her age, and meet some nice folks. After a few days you pick her back up and take her home and you both will have had a break from eachother.

You mentioned a nurse. Does this nurse just stop in for assessments or does she stay and care for your mom? If she's just there for a little while I'm sure she can recommend an agency that can provide some respite for you. Unlike your mom staying in a facility for a few days this would be someone coming into your home and taking care of your mom for hours or even a weekend in order to give you a break.

When my dad lived with me I found a bed & breakfast 150 miles away. Far enough that I wouldn't be expected to pop in on my dad to check on him but not too far that I couldn't get home quickly if I needed to. My daughter was 18 years old and she'd hang around the house over the weekend while I was gone to make sure my dad was OK. I must have gone off to my B & B 3 or 4 times and it was always worth it.

I agree that yelling at your mom isn't an effective way to communicate but I think it's symptomatic of burnout. I hope you can arrange to get some time away, even just a few hours.

You mention she repeated this for 6 hours, it sounds to me that this may have become a verbal tic, I think anyone who has visited a nursing home or hospital has encountered those who constantly call "help me, help me" , "nurse! nurse! nurse!" or some such repetitively and wondered at the callousness of the staff who totally ignored their pleas. My own mom drove me absolutely batty calling "turn me over", or my name, over and over. I vented here that I could handle the feeding and diapering but this tiny little phrase had me screaming in despair.
Definitely check for pain, discomfort, hunger, fear, isolation, boredom, or some other thing that is causing her distress, and work with her doctor to see if there is some medication to alleviate her agitation. We all lose it sometimes, I yelled at my mom too, but if it is happening too often it is a sure sign that you are approaching total burn out. I finally realized that despite my best intentions I could no longer keep mom at home, it was not fair to either of us. Placing mom in a nursing home one of the hardest things I have ever done, but for us it was the right thing to do.

I've found an interesting pamphlet about disruptive vocalizations you may like to read
www.ltcam.mb.ca/2015conference/10%20Amanda%20Adams-Fryatt%20Disruptive%20Vocalizing%20Presentation-2015.pdf

Dharrison: This is a tough situation to be in..and sometimes you yourself may wish they would pass on because of the comments she makes to you...what you need to remember it is the disease...not the person talking...take a break from it...and do something for yourself so you do not get burn out.

It is difficult when all the responsibilities for all on you...but if you are not well and rested you can not care for her...my thoughts are with you...be patient, walk out of the room and take a break..the next time she does it....it is the disease not the person talking.

Is it possible that you're taking your mom's comment as a reflection on you and the caregiving job you're doing for her and that is why it's bothering you so much? You're doing the very best you can and yet your mom would rather die.

My mom, who had dementia (no short-term memory) but not Alzheimer's, frequently said she was ready to go. She knew what she was saying and at 97.5, she was ready to go. I would just tell her that we don't get to choose when we go, but we can do our best to keep her as well as possible until that time. And that's what I did until she passed in May. What your mom is saying, in her situation, is very rational. She's not going to get better and I imagine she's ready to go like my mom was ready to go. You may not be ready to have her go and I understand that. If your frustration is from burnout, then definitely get some respite. If it's from some unrealistic feeling that you're not doing a good enough job in keeping your mom happy, then really look at that and put that notion to bed. You can't change your mom's situation right now and you're doing the best that you can. And she probably is ready to go. And that's OK! Give yourself some love and tenderness. This is hard stuff!