Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

If you feel it's time, then let her know it's okay.  Just tell her you love her and it's okay to let go.  We did this with my dad and a day later he did finally let go.  He had to hear it from my mom too, she wasn't ready but we reassured her that he was and it was time that he wasn't in pain anymore.  Hardest thing we had to do, he always told us if I can't communicate with you let me go.  So we went with his wishes.  I knew he was at peace and that he had heard us because he squeezed each of our hands.  Even his favorite great grandson told him it's okay popsicle, that was his nickname for his pop's.  To this day it brings tears, but not sad tears, tears of joy that he found his peace at last.

About a month before my father died he told me that he was seeing people, like his brothers (already dead) and his sergeant from WW II.  Did I see the man standing at the foot of his bed?  I said no, but that if he saw him, he was probably there in spirit.  Then he told me that one of his brothers said, "I was sent here to help you cross over when it is time for you to cross over, whenever you are ready."  I told him to believe it, and it sounded wonderful. 

I told my husband and aunt they could let go only when they were in the dying process, but I liked that comfort my dad got from the statement "when it is time, I'll help you over."

BIG HUGS   Caregiverhelp11.  Sending loving energy to help YOU through this process.

I think that there is a time and a place when it is appropriate to say ""it's okay to let go" and it depends on the person and what stage of dying they are in.

Unfortunately there are too many well-meaning people (who do not understand the "process of dying" ) who are giving this type of advise to family members whenever an elderly family member becomes ill. 

Having held the hand of many a person who was actively dying, I learned when it was appropriate and when it was not appropriate to say this. 

I think that the meeting with the Hospice Nurses and the Chaplain will provide you and your family with the answer that you need as what to tell your Mom.  {{{HUGS}}}

I told my mom at the end "It's Ok, Mom, you did the best you could" while holding her hand. I don't think she had any choice about going or hanging on though. She had bad vascular dementia and had just gotten morphine for a heart attack while in hospice, to relieve her pain and agitation. I don't think she knew she was dying, but I hope she heard me.

My husband's family did just that.  The hospice nurse informed us that she could leave us at any time and the whole family came to be by her side.  She continued to hold on, although she didn't seem to be aware of her surroundings.  At one point, she started the "death rattle" and the family gathered around and lovingly told her, "It's OK Mother, you can let go and go home."  She did so within minutes.  Maybe just coincidence?

We had a family friend who just passed away at age 90 after the family told her it was okay to go. She had advanced dementia, could not eat, could not sit, and had tissue breakdown. She is now with her husband and other loved ones. So, the family is sad, but, relieved that she is now at peace.

My Dad passed in 2013. He suffered a fall and hit his head we think and with the blood thinner he was taking it was a bad combo. Long story short, there was so much bleeding on his brain that the neurologist was keeping him comfortable with pain meds and he was hanging on but unresponsive. However, I truly believe that although unresponsive one can tell what's going on around them and hear you. He hung on for many, many hours after admission to the hospital. Eventually, he was taking large gasps of air about every 30 to 45 seconds. It was then that I decided to tell him that it was ok to go. I told him that we loved him, he did a great job raising us kids, mom would be taken care of, but if he was ready to go that it was ok. He took one more breath.

When my dad passed 25 years ago he was in a VA hospital. He had stopped eating completely. He was unresponsive and was having what they called "air hunger," which was just rhythmic gasping for air (he had emphysema). It was so hard to watch. Somehow I knew he was holding on for us. We stayed by his bedside until the wee hours and the nurse came in and said he was resting more comfortably and we could go home and get some sleep. I was the last one to leave the room. I leaned over him and kissed his forehead and I whispered in his ear, "I love you Daddy. We will be okay and I will take care of Mom." I kissed his forehead again and I took my mom home to get her some sleep. We had barely gotten home and the nurse called and said we needed to come back because she thought he was gone. I know in my heart he was waiting to know I would take care of my mom. I also know he waited until I got Mom out of there so he could slip away.

Right now I wouldn't think of saying something to my mom like that because I think she would feel like I was telling her I was tired of her or something. If my mom was in an unresponsive state, almost comatose, like my dad was and she was suffering, then it would break my heart to say it, but I would let her know I would be okay. I don't think I could say it is okay for her to go, but I would say I will be okay and I have always loved you and you are the best mom ever. I believe they should be actively in the dying transition, not doing poorly and then rallying. How long someone "hangs on" is really up to them. They have such little choice and free will of their own remaining, we need to allow them what we can.

I personally would not dream of saying to a dying person that "it's okay to let go." What if they're doing all they can to hold on tight because they're just not ready? It would be like saying to a guest "well don't let us keep you" and looking at your watch.

That is not to say, though, that there aren't useful, meaningful and comforting things that you and your family and your mother's Chaplain might take these last opportunities to say.

Certainly I would hope the Chaplain would be able to speak gently to your mother about preparing for the end of her life.

I told my own mother that we all loved her, and that we knew she loved us. I said this more on impulse than with any particular intention, but I won't forget the look of contentment and relief it seemed to give her. I'm sure you'll have your own idea of what the very most important message you want to give your mother is; and perhaps that will be the one that lets her let go.

My mother was in a SNF on comfort care so we all knew it was only a matter of time especially with her CHF. She did well for about 10 days and then quickly slid downhill overnight. Her sister & I spent the day with her and with the thought from all involved that she would probably hang on for a day or two my Aunt sent me home for some rest and to get my son & husband. I had a few minutes alone with her before I left for the 2 hour drive home and as I said goodbye I told her if she needed to go be with Dad and her parents that she didn’t need to stay for me. I stopped at her house about half way and checked back in with the facility and my Aunt. I got about 15 minutes from home and my Aunt called to tell me she had gone, everyone at the facility was surprised. I figured she waited to me to get far enough that I would continue home to get my family and not turn around and go back. I later learned that my Aunt had a similar conversation to her that she shouldn’t struggle and it was time to rest. She took one big breathe in, held it and when she exhaled she was gone.

 Another Aunt was injured in a fall down the stairs and held on for a week until one of her sons away on vacation in Maine could be located and return to Philadelphia. Shortly after his arrival and visit with her he exited the room to see the other siblings she passed quietly. She waited until all her children were together.

I am about to be in same position. There may have been friends and relatives who have passed who have come to visit her. And they're escorts.

I got the kindest note from someone on my end of life thread. Tell her you will be ok.

Tell her you will be ok and it's ok to,let go.

Peace to you in this transition and to her too.

You have received some wonderful answers.  People "hang on to life" for a variety of reasons: they are afraid of what will happen to them once they die/ afraid of what is "on the Other Side" or afraid that they were/are not "good enough" for God or their Higher Power to allow them into heaven, are afraid that their loved ones will not be able to cope with living/life once they are gone, are afraid that they will be forgotten once they are dead, feel that their loved ones still need them (because their loved ones say "See you tomorrow." as they leave), don't want to die when their loved ones are in the room (especially if the family is present 24 hours/day), are waiting for a specific someone to come and see them before they die or because they have been fighters all of their life and they consider "Death" as the "Final Fight".  

You know your Mom the best.  Is she waiting for someone to come visit her?  Is she waiting for someone to graduate from high school or college?  Is she waiting for someone to have their baby?

I think that the meeting with the Hospice nurses and Chaplain is a good idea.  It will allow you to say "Good Bye" to your Mom, to thank her for all that she has done for you over the years (even if those years were not so great or fun or were stressful), and to let her know that you will miss her and will remember her.  Think of this as giving your Mom one last "Greeting Card" that says "I LOVE YOU".

{{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏

My mom became as helpless as a newborn during her year and a half in the nursing home; she was frail, mostly deaf, blind, incontinent and needed to be fed her pureed meals. I couldn't understand why she kept on going so, following the advice of countless people, I did tell her it was OK to go if she was ready. Well I found out that she wasn't ready, in fact she was terrified and my conversation disturbed her greatly. She was never one of those people who moan that their life is meaningless and wondering why they are still here, so I guess I should have known she would fight to the end. I did tell her they were waiting for her and it was OK to go one more time though, but it was as she lay actively dying, minutes before her last breath.

I am so sorry that your mom is having such a difficult time.

Is there anyone that she could be waiting to say goodbye too? If not then it is a good idea to tell her that it is okay for her to go if she is ready.

My best friends dad lingered in a similar situation and when her mom told him that she would be okay and he could go when he was ready, he squeezed her hand and passed away. We all believe that he needed to hear she would be okay with him dying.

May The Lord give your family strength and grieving mercies during this time. Hugs, it is so hard losing a loved one.

It is my personal belief that some people hold on for many reasons and one of them is because they are scared that their love ones will not be able to go on without them. They need to be told that everybody will be find and they did a good job in this life. Another reason as I found out with my dad, is out of fear because they are afraid of what is or is not on the other side. This is were you tell them that they will be ok and that people are waiting for them on the other side. In truth, we all have someone on the other side waiting for us! Yet another reason for holding on they need to say goodbye and this happens even if someone can't speak. It is just them hearing the person's voice.

If it was me, I would tell her that I love her and she did a great job raising me and although I will miss her I will be ok. Plus, their is ______(name) is waiting for you.

Sometimes people need a little push to go.

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time. I have a feeling your mom will go once you and your family tell her that you guys will be find and you guys will see her again.


Hugs!!

I’m so sorry. It’s very hard watching a slow decline.

I think meeting with the chaplain is a good idea. I did that when my brother was being treated by hospice.

Can you also speak to a social worker? The social worker was very helpful to my brother and our family.

The hospice nurses had the same discussion with me before my brother died. She also said a person should feel like everyone is at peace with them leaving this world.

Some people want their loved one to stick around past their time. So if you feel like you should ‘give her permission’ to go, then do that. I did with my brother.

Before that, every time I left that evening I would say that I would come back the next day.

The nurse said that I had to stop telling him that I was coming back to see him. So, I told my brother that it was okay to go and that I knew he was ready to leave. I was at peace and I believe he was too.

Many, many hugs in this tough transitional time.