Is my Mom just mean or are all old people this way?

Dementia has many stages and I've watched my Mother-in-Law from the get go. Take a look at them, then compare your Mom's behavior with the various stages. It IS a hideous "disease" that not only affects the victim but also many relatives and friends. My wife comes home many times in tears and while consoling her I gently try to remind her that it is a disease and NOT her Mother. a small consolation but none the less true. Good luck and "patience" (with understanding) will be a little help.

I am curious of the people who mention mean elders, if they became mean with age or if they were always that way and the fact you perhaps spend more one on one time with them as caregivers makes their personalities more of an issue?
Did family dinners and vacations end up in drama?

Bren my mom is like this and has no dementia or anything. Just a healthy selfish old miser. She is very narcissistic. Is this behavior with your mother new or it is more of the same. Nasty, selfish people only get more so with age. Protect yourself when it comes to her finances. She is apt to accuse you of stealing or enriching yourself. Keep really good records. Or hire someone else to deal with her. That is my battle plan.

Not in my experience.
My aunt 95 was a delight, my uncle 83 died caring about others and my dad 92 showed me nothing but gratitude and love even through his hardest days. Grandma's, 95, biggest last regret was she had become less useful to us, she wanted to continue caring for us.
However, uncle was never "fun or lighthearted", dad could be quiet pushy and beware if you got in granny's way. These are my loved ones who have passed. All were normal with good and bad traits, and the remained that way. Except my aunt she was always a blast, the original cougar left behind a loving morning handsome boyfriend 17 years her Jr., he was by her side to the end,..but I digress.

People (excluding dementia brain changes) do not change personalities because they age, they can become more vulnerable and self-concerned thereby self centered as they become sicker and weaker. How they deal with this is driven by their personality

I also have elderly neighbors that are lovely and one that is a raging b--tch, but she was a b--tch when I moved here 20 years ago.

I have no experience with dementia. I also believe some medications can make you act wacky.

I am also new to caregiving. My father has declined slowly but steadily, Mom is a little more up and down. Sometimes my mother snaps at me. I hate it. I can let it slide if I know that she is scared or anxious. When she does it because she didn't hear what I said the first time I said it's REALLY annoying. I notice it's happening more often. Depending on the situation, I let it go and I don't address it which is my usual way of dealing with conflict and not good. Sometimes I snap back and she gets the message. Maybe something else is going on under the meanness? I think it's a lot "easier" to be "mean" than to be sad.

This brings up an important point -- it is a very good idea to keep a notebook with record of care, appointments, money spent, health concerns and symptoms. Takes discipline, but can be invaluable. Professional caregivers do it.

@breb457 has she been diagnose with Alzheimer's and/or Dementia? If not, you should talk to her doctor. He can tell you signs to watch out for alzheimers. The best proof is recording her on anything you have so you can share it with the doctor. Getting her help as soon as possible is the key. Medicine will help but it will not cure her but it will slow the disease. If you need help, just let me know here and I will give you some web sites you can visit. I return to see if you left me any messages.

I've heard that when you're old, you often become a worse version of yourself. My dad has always been self-centered and manipulative- it's not different now.But now he needs us and resents us for it. I try to deal with his nastiness through humor, ignoring, being firm or occasionally raising my voice. What I don't do anymore is suffer in silence and swallow my pain.

I had a cranky, critical, judgmental and argumentative step-parent, and I was filled with resentment and anger. After decades of anger, fights and family unhappiness I decided that I could not live like that any longer and so I started being very kind and considerate to him -- listening carefully to his complaints, asking his opinion, helping him out, making little friendly jokes, taking him out to lunch and movies. He seemed suspicious at first, but I persevered, and finally we started to enjoy each other's company. I cared for him him through his final illness. His last few years of life were happy ones and when he died, I missed him very much. It took a lot of patience, time, humility and faith to do it, but I am very glad I did. Might now work with everyone, but it is worth a try.

The dogs that bite are the most afraid. The elders who are meanest are most afraid or al least the most unhappy. Like the rich people that Captain talks about, if you look for happiness in the wrong places - money, status, putting others down - you will be neither happy or nice to be with.

If you can shift yourself from feeling attacked, (and I know she is attacking you) and instead feel compassion or pity for her, it might be easier to ignore, if not forgive. You are not a bit alone in your position. Feel free to vent and rant and rave as needed.

My mom could be mean to family. I have only known one person that got nicer, when she became elderly. Other people think that my mom is a peach. I guess family just brings it out in her. Good luck and post often.

I've met many elders who are kind considerate and loving right up to the end. They tend to be active and giving and others are kind and loving in return. I pray I will be the same.

My mom is hateful at times, loving and cooperative when she wants her way. She too is cranky and accusative, paranoid and jealous and these behaviors have gotten worse and more pronounced with her dementia.

I don't take it personally (although a struggle at times) but remind myself to be kind to her and others and hope I'm extended same in return especially in old age.

Don't judge everyone who is old the same. You will find many the exception.

It sounds like time to ask for power of attorney and you have to be the one to make the decisions. She took care of you all of your life.. Now it is your turn. She will need to be declared incompetent to make decisions. It does sound like some dementia. You are the closest to her so you will be the one who gets her bad side. It sucks. I know. Sorry. Find support.

You say your mom has dementia in your profile. All of the behaviors you're describing are very consistent with her Alzheimers. Go to youtube and Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos about Alzheimers. And look at some of the many, many threads on here about paranoia and Alzheimers. Your mom may have been this way for a long time (maybe her whole life, I don't know) but the Alzheimers will only make it worse. At some point it is the Alzheimers talking. You have a right to be upset, but be upset at the disease. The more you read about it, I think the more comfort you'll find, because you're not alone.

My mom had Macular Degeneration, arthritis and many other issues. She was as nice as pie and never complained. There are also plenty of younger people with medical concerns that are pleasant. Feeling bad doesn't entitle anyone to be mean, especially to people who are cooking your meals, bathing you and putting a roof over your head. Stay strong.

My Mom doesn't have a mean bone in her body! She's 91…. But that damn dementia is a mean disease!!

@ ashlynne,
i work for a lot of wealthy people and id like to add that many are spoiled, self centered jerks and liars, and are miserable. money might be a necessity but it wont guarantee happiness or peace of mind.

Bren, I am old and I am nice. Always have been.

No, they're not.

Once, when I went to visit my 94 year old great aunt, I saw among her mail a letter sent round to all the residents in her apartment block by a young man who had sublet the ground floor flat from his parents. He was writing to apologise formally for coming in at all hours, holding a party, and playing loud music - clearly, the Residents' Association had "sent the boys round." When I asked Leah if she'd been disturbed by this anti-social behaviour, she shrugged and said "I'm just glad to be able to hear anything." Leah was blithe, generous, grateful and loving, and remained so until her death at 99 and three quarters. I have no idea what her secret was.

How old is she? Health issues? possibly dementia?

My mother never associated with anyone much at all though she gushed at a distance over anyone who had a huge house, expensive car and so on. She could never grasp the suggestion that, for all she knew, the house was mortgaged to the hilt, the car was a leaser and those people might be up to their eyeballs in debt.

I'm grateful that my father was a very practical man, never had a credit card and was happy with whatever he had which has rubbed off on me. I live very simply in a tiny cottage in the country, my truck is covered in mud and dog hair - both paid for and I have no debts - and I probably look like a bag lady most of the time but we have water, plenty of food, warmth and nice beds. We have all we need and I'm perfectly content.

Let's add a little perspective here. Put some Vaseline in your eyes, stuff cotton in your ears, duct tape your knees and elbows in place, wrap you in a tight corset so you struggle to breathe or bend, put on heavy mittens and grease the soles of your shoes. Now go about your daily routine. Don't forget to take at least five different medications and pee your pants hourly. Are you having fun yet?