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My mother who lives alone in a independent living senior apartments, makes me feel uncomfortable because I am not visiting her or being a caregiver to her like I use to be. Before my 63 year old husband was diagnosed with Parkinson Disease, Demenia (maybe early stage Alheimer), I am spending most of my time taking him to doctors appointments being his caregivers. My husband takes a lot of my time doing the day with his medication, preparing meal and going to his specialists for Parkinson, Chron's Disease and Enlarged Prostate. My mother calls me and want me to come over to take her to the store, most of the time its just for shopping. She has 3 other children, which another daughter is in the same area my mother and me. My sister calls her on the phone and talk to her everyday as well as my other siblings. My two brothers lives out of town, one in Maryland and the other in Charles City. My brother in Charles City and myself use to work well together in taking her to the doctors, but, unfortunately, he is sick, now. My brother in Maryland has step up to the plate and coming to visit her more often. She is living in a place where there are activities, and people she can socialize with, but, she calls constantly just to talk and hassle me on when I am coming to see her. She has seen my husband and know his condition because after her visit she tells me I know your hands are full, but, several hours letter she makes me feel like I am doing too much for him and I should not forget who raise me...I am your mother. I did tell her that I can not do what I use to do for her, but, she does have other children who should step up to the plate. Am I being a bad daughter for letting her know I can not do for her like I use to. What do you do when your mother appears to be jealous of the care I am giving my husband?

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Yes, my husband is on disability. He had a major stroke in 1998, and several mini strokes afterward, which he became disabled. It has been a roller coaster for him since 1998. My father passed away on March 1998 and my husband stroke was April 1998. Yesterday, my husband had a Pet Scan done of his brain, looking for a plaque called Amyloid. The last time we saw his neurologist and psychologist, I told them how he is so busy stirring around 2 am and 4 am. The doctors stated that it is called sun downing. It keeps me up at night, because I am not sure what he is doing. He also wets in the bed at nighttime, which we are up changing the linen in bed. It has been an experience and I would handle it, However, I told my family (brothers, sister and mother) that I can not handle anyone else problems like I use to, just my own. My brothers and sister understand, but, my mother doesn't. I told her she does not love me, she wants to push me over the edge for being so selfish.
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No, you are not being a bad daughter. Your mother is being a bit over-demanding. Just remain calm and firm in sticking to your boundaries. She may be jealous or just regretful or throwing herself a pity party. You really can't do much to change her attitudes. Just do as much as you have decided you can reasonably do. If Mom really needs a lot more attention than she is getting perhaps she should consider another level of care, such as in-home help for several hours a week, or even assisted living.

I am so sorry that your husband is facing these health issues so young. Is he on disability?

Generally the most common dementia diagnosis in his situation would be Parkinson's Disease with Dementia (PDD). This is one of the Lewy Body diseases. This is quite a bit different from Alzheimer's. You might want to look these up and see which seems a better match for his symptoms to you. In any case, he has a serious chronic condition and it is natural that your attention has to shift to him at this time.
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In life you take care of your underage children first, your spouse first if your kids are grown and then your parents. If your mom lives in a retirement village, then there is likely transport to local shops and to doctor's appointments. Take care of your husband as let your siblings know that you can no longer do what you used to.
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My mother lives in a retirement village and she still is needed. She went through the same issues because she was caregiver for my father. However, she had nurses aid coming in to take care of him, while she went to church and her organization meeting. My father was sick for at least 15 years. When he died his leg was in a fetus position. I still feel if my father had gotten the attention during physical exercise doing the day, he would not have died that way. She told me she did not realize dad was in a fetus position until he passed. Dad passed in 1998. She stated that dad was mean and all her children are just like dad. I told her, I am proud to be like my father because he was a good provider for us, we never went without food or the things we needed. My dad was 11 years older than my mother. You are right about the guilt trip. To me she only thinks about herself and no one else. I told her I believe in doing to others as I would want them to do unto me. I feel better just to vent. Thank God for this post.
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It is tough setting boundaries when you have to cut back on what you were doing for a parent. I am dealing with that, and my parents still expect me to do what I was doing years ago helping them, but I have my own age related declines now and I had to pull the plug on a lot of things.

I think our parents still view us as "children" which I can understand. And they still think we are in our 30 with a ton of energy. As we all know that ship had sailed some time ago. We are seniors trying to take care of older seniors.

I have finally in the past year been able to say to my folks "sorry, I can't possibly do that". They still will throw a bit a guilt back at me, but hey, they made the choice to remain in their home instead of moving to a retirement village that would have given them MORE freedom instead of trying to work around my work schedule.... [sigh]
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