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Legally blind, diabetic and nearly immobile. She is fine but can't do all what it takes. He is a big man and she bought lift chairs to get him up but he barely moves from one room to another. She has to get in the shower to bathe him and he also has tremors so sever that she has to feed him. We can't find where to turn. She is healthy and doesn't want to leave their home but this is really taking a toll. She's not strong enough to manhandle him like needs be done to get him up.. We need someone to come and help a few days a week. To bathe him and help him do his PT. Just anything to give mom a break. I'm concerned this is going to destroy her health. Also she keeps saying they could never afford assisted living and she doesn't need it but he desperately needs it. I would think insurance would help with all of his issues but I can't even figure out where to start. Any advise would really be appreciated!

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The tremor and not feeding himself MIGHT be helped by a little L-dopa...ask the doc about a trial of Sinemet. It helped my mom feed herself - she was embarrassed about tremor and spilling stuff, seemed relieved when someone fed her, but then horribly depressed right afterwards. I even insisted they continue on it when she went into hospice. YMMV, its just an idea to consider. Parkinsonism from vascular dementia does respond to some of the same things that primary Parkinson's does, some docs may have been taught differently.

Possibly, more equipment might make home care feasible, but this is NOT a one-person job anymore from what you are describing. Get with a comprehensive geriatic center with a social worker who knows the system, get an evaluation from a home health company, contact yoru local Area Agency on Aging or the equivalent. Don't just assume there's no help that they can afford.

Another possibility is that if he has not already done it, a short term subacute rehab stay could be arranged. That is typically a covered benefit and a Parkinson diagnosis might even get him into a Health South or similar acute "community" rehab chain. If his function can't be improved much with therapy and meds, their d/c planners and social workers should be able to assist in formulating an appropriate discharge plan with additional serivces or identifying a facility and the avenues to pay for it. Mom would be the "community spouse" if they have no choice but to use Medicaid, and as such she gets some degree of protection, though typically just the finances she needs to live on. And yes, an eldercare attorney or estate planner should help make sure the best possible set up is arranged.
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My first thought would be what if your Dad fell upon your Mom while she was helping him move from room to room.... than what? I would recommend that your parents think about some type of continuing care where the both of them could live together, but help would be right outside their apartment.

You are right to be concerned that it will destroy your Mom's health, and destroy yours, too, just from the stress of worrying about it. Moving will be a tough sell, sometimes something serious has to happen before one's parents remove that denial that they can take care of themselves on their own.
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Correction to above post. I meant that are some protections for MEDICAID recovery.
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You don't mention their age. Are they both on Medicare? Might they qualify for Medicaid?

For starters, a bath aide 2 or 3 times a week would be very helpful. A personal care assistant could help with exercises recommended by PT.

Talk with his doctor. (Dad may need to sign a HIPAA waiver to allow the doc to talk to you.) What kind of in-home health care can/will the doctor order? Then see if insurance covers this.

Also talk with your state department of aging (or whatever it is called) to learn the options in your parents' location.

You are doing a fine thing to help preserve Mom's health and also seeing to Dad's needs.
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That sounds like a lot for your and your mom to do at home. How old are they? Have they been found to be disabled? The reason I ask is that there are often benefits for those who are disabled or who are veterans/spouse, over those who are just a senior citizen.

Is your mom in favor of assisted living if the funds are available? Is your dad in agreement? If so, then I would apply at the county office. In NC it's with the County Dept. of Social Services. They take an application, review financial records and decide what you qualify for. They may also ask that you have a doctor evaluate each parent to access what their needs are and just what level of care or assistance they need, whether it be Assisted Living, Memory Care, Nursing Home, etc. I know some people in wheelchairs that do fine in Assisted Living.

IMPORTANT. If your parents have assets or a home, you may wish to consult with an Elder Care attorney to discuss the situation, as there are legal ways to protect assets. I would do that before I applied for benefits.

In NC, as the child, you can take the records and apply on their behalf. Normally, they require bank statements, car titles, insurance documents to show cash value, all sources of income, etc. They determine if they qualify for Medicaid, state or county funding, special assistance, special help, etc. There are a number of programs they may qualify for.

Also, how long have you been in their home helping care for them. I think there are some protections from Medicare recovery for adult children who live in the home and care for parent before they go into long term care home. I don't know the details. Perhaps someone here may know more about that.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good information on this site as it's a very popular concern for family members who are trying to get their loved one some help. It sounds like you and your parents really need it. Good luck.
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