My mom is willing to hire a caregiver, but Dad is resistant. What can we do?

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My 90yr old mother is staring to need more help with day to day chores. My parents still live together in a large home that is not very safe. My mom is okay with someone coming in but dad is resistant to having outside help. He is a very stubborn and angry old man. He tries to do all the home repairs and most of the cooking. This is too hard on him but he thinks he is fine. He treats my mom as if she is an idiot and should be able to do things herself. He then yells at my mom when she asks him for help. Mom has a house cleaner and a gardener. I spend one day a week helping out with taking her to Dr's appointments, shopping and other tasks she might need. I cannot give up more time than this. I wonder how to go about hiring someone to help her without him getting angry.

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Things will change. They will get worse. You are dealing with a no win situation. Once you take the initiative and get someone in, you'll wonder what you were waiting for. Of course, you would prefer dad not to get angry but sometimes that can't be helped. Mom matters too.
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Thanks Freqflyer,
This all started in December over the holidays when mom got a serious case of pneumonia. She was in the hospital for a week then home on oxygen, home health nurses and physical therapy. We interviewed a few caregivers around early March as I was in complete burnout. Mom rallied and didn't need them but wanted to keep the option open. She got a second infection in June and now she thinks she would like some help one day a week. I understand that my dad is the way he is but I don't think it's healthy for any of us. He is even starting to yell at us kids. I am actually afraid to talk to him sometimes which makes the whole thing harder. He won't even listen to his doctor let alone us! If it were up to my mom she would have gone to a retirement community long ago. Of course dad didn't want that. Thanks for sharing it helps to talk about it. I hope things will start to change.
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Grey, I had the same problem but it was my Mom who refused any outside help. My folks were also in their 90's and still lived in a house with a lot of stairs.

Your Dad is probably getting upset with your Mom because this is a problem he cannot fix. Nothing in his toolbox will help. So he is very frustrated. Your poor Mom having to hear things he says, as we know she cannot help that she is going through general age decline. I am only in my early 70's and I can feel that decline already.

Nothing is going to change Dad. I tried talking to my Mom until I was blue in the face. Even after her fall the doctor told her she needs Caregivers, but Mom brushed that off by saying she has her husband and daughter to help. No way my Dad would be able to leap out of his recliner to catch Mom should she be falling. Yikes, don't count me in on this, I was a senior citizen myself.

Usually we have to wait until there is a serious medical situation, hospital stay, rehab, then bring in the caregivers to help. Unfortunately for my Mom her last fall she finished out her final months in long-term-care. Dad in the mean time called an Agency to get caregivers for himself.

Once my Mom passed, two weeks later Dad said he was ready for senior living, and moved into Independent Living, and sold his house. He loved the senior living facility :) He said he wished my Mom would have decided to such a move but he knew she wouldn't budge.
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I know its tough. I too found it very hard to stand up to my dad who was in his 80s and so grumpy after his stroke. I know its easier said than done but no matter how resistant he is, you must put your mom's well being first. In my case, I wish I was more aggressive about my dad's care. I just thought he was being a grumpy old man, but it was more. He had heart failure. He had vascular dementia. All of this was affecting his personality and his judgement. I needed to be stronger and more assertive. Instead I became passive in fear of angering him. He passed away last year and I'm still so angry with myself about what I should have done for him. I hope you can find the right balance for your parents.
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I think i might start by taking dad to see HIS doctor, first of all to check up on his health and mental state, but also so the doctor can talk to him about getting in some help as respite for him ( if he's becoming verbally abusive, he's beyond burned out) and also to explain a bit more about mom's dementia.

Are you sure dad isn't developing dementia himself?
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