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I came to help my sister out for a couple of weeks and OMGOSH our Mom is a mess. She would rather stay in her room surrounded by the yarn, material, color books/crayons pencils pens, plus...she has a recliner that she sits in all day her stuff is as high as the arms of the chair on either side, she has a path to get out of. She will not allow anything to be touched, accuses everyone of stealing things she can't find. She questions the medication all the time and will refuse to take it. Her television is blaring, we don't have to raise our voices to speak to her and she speaks in a normal tone, hearing not a problem. Will wear the same clothes for a week or more at a time, at times will not bathe. She stares at my sister when she is in the same room with her (she stares at her with contempt) it is awful to see. At wits end in knowing what is the right thing to do.

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It’s not right to sacrifice your sister for your mother whom you said was never very loving. Make sure your sister knows that if you decide to put Mom in a facility you are not indicating that Sis is a failure at caregiving. Mom has just about all the indications of someone who is beyond care at home. Call a family meeting and make sure everyone is on the same page about what the plan is. Keep everyone informed about what is happening. It’s time for Sis to have her life back.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Reallytryin Oct 18, 2018
You are right. I now see that she really does belong in a facility. Sis worries about her care but is becoming to realize that maybe she does need to be else where and begin to get her own health back on track. Sis has done a wonderful job in caring for our mother and she is deserving of a much needed break, failure is a word I better not hear anyone use in the same sentence with her name in it. Deserving of much respect. Thank you
(15)
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First off, know your not the only one dealing with this issue. Careing for parents, crap gets dumped on the caregiver thats most of the time, the daughter or son of the elderly, that shouldnt be. I loved my mom when she was my mom. I have cared and kept her with me as long as i can but the time for her to go is now, shes become so nasty and beligerant, i cant handle OR help her, it sounds like you are in a VERY SIMILAR POSITION. Plz dont let people around you make you feel bad or guilty if you come to the decision of getting her in assisted living or nursing home.
I thought i was doing the best thing keeping her living with me, but i cant keep up because her care is becoming more indepth than before.
This entire ordeal is more difficult, demanding, and soul stripping than any outsider looking in cud even THINK they know or can fathomso the best thing i can think to tell you is do what you know you have to. You know what you can deal with and what you cant. At some point things have to become whats best FOR EVERYONE, not just the elderly (like the one walking around your house calling your spouse an asshole, or wishing he was dead)one needing care.
How your mother is now, more than likely, will NEVER CHANGE. THINGS only seem to progress toward worse.
In closing, a few fyi s for you, if you havent dealt with them yet.
Assisted living is outrageous in cost. Most facilitis take NO ins, charging several thousand dollars for pewney rooms, offers of what the facility does comes with an additional cost, EVERYTHING
ACT communities have "an entrance fee attatched, lowest quote i was given started at $100,000.00. I hope i dont sound hateful or uncaring. Its just unfortunitely, my mother has made me have to chose between her and my family, and old or not that kind of behavior and treatment makes me feel bullied, thats not good or fair to anyone.,
Hope this helped at least just a little? Take care of yourself, no one else will. Your peace of mind matters.
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Reply to Superman56
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I think you should go with the other 4 siblings. Time to put Mom into a NH. She is only going to get worse. Its not fair to sister because this woman should not be left alone.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bless you for getting in there and seeing what is going on, instead of standing on the sidelines. I wish you every success in supporting your sister to find the right options for your mother's care; and I wish your mother every happiness and peace of mind in a setting that meets her needs. Don't doubt that you're doing the right thing for everyone.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I have said it before and will say it again. When the "patient" regardless of their relationship to you starts to damage you and your family and causes problems, then you have NO CHOICE. Then you must prepare to remove them from your presence, before they destroy YOU, and I assure you they will succeed, and put them into a suitable facility. If finances are a problem, there is help available but you need to seek it out using an eldercare attorney and the Office on Aging where you live. Do NOT put up with this situation - it is horrible - no one deserves this and if it continues, YOU are fool to let it go on.
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Reply to Riley2166
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It's not a good situation for your mother or your sister. It's time to come together and explore a good nursing home where all of your mother's needs can be attended to by a skilled staff. You may even see her improve once she is taking her medication regularly and having her basic needs met.
No one should have to live that way, and it's time to make sure they don't. Your mother's needs are beyond what one person can navigate. You'll all be relieved when your mother is getting the care she needs and is safe and sound.
I wish you all the best.
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Reply to pattiac
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I think that person‘s suggestion get her taken by ambulance to a doctor at the hospital see if she’s got a UTI or something is good. then if she can get into a rehab after that for even a few days the better. take advantage and clean the room thoroughly and make any adjustments that you have to and when she comes home and gently but firmly set down the rules. I am a former caregiver and the Mrs. sometimes would act like a bully. Standing up to a bully like They teach in school is what worked. But I would also be very loving like a parent. I could never change her. She would episodically be mean and play games with the caregivers. Pretending not to understand us and being repetitive. I was the only one who had the courage to call her on it and then she would smile. Standing up to her after I’ve done everything to please her was the only way I kept my sanity. Good luck.
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Reply to Lizhappens
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There is a group of homes called Personal Care Homes. These are
small facilities in a regular home. I had never heard of such a thing but
found when I was trying to find what the "next step" should be with my
mom when she was on hospice. I found one close to where I live and
she moved there. When she went she would sit all day in her chair and watch tv and ring for service whenever she thought up something I should do. She told me every thing and every move to make. That was
good because I am not medically learned and she was a CNA. That was
also bad because I felt very incompetent. She would not speak lots of
times and just make motions what she wanted. She had to have help
being lifted onto the commode and back again. I was not strong enough
to lift her and she fell a lot. She could not feed herself a lot of times, she wore her nighty all day and night, could not wear shoes nor slippers, could not sign her name, nor hold a pen, she could not do hardly anything but sit. She did not want to go to a NH nor did she want a 24/7 caregiver, and I could not perform safely the care she needed.
She has been in the Personal Care Home 1 month and gets dressed and
wears shoes and socks and day clothes, walks with her walker, comes out to the living room, eats at the table & feeds herself, talks and can
sign her name.
My take is...there is a difference between a caregiver and a daughter.
I am glad to be the daughter again. All the health care people said I
was a great caregiver- but I was not getting good results. She was
declining. Now she is active, alive, doing stuff, and getting better- not
worse by the day.
I believe God answered our prayers and provided a wonderful care-giver
just at the right moment.
I think some of us should get together and help each other out. It costs
$3000 monthly for 1 resident but if 3 people work together and put
the residents together in 1 house and share the work, then we are not
doing it alone and the dynamics change. I know it won't work in every
situation, but I think it could be very beneficial. My mom's money will
probably run out and so I have been thinking about getting a CNA certificate so I can provide care for her and a couple more, and those caregivers can help and we can trade off and no one is on 24/7 and we
can break the cycle of deterioration going on. I do not know anything
about running a facility of course so it would take a lot of learning but
at this point a lot of us need a lot of help and I am trying to think how
we can work together to get more success for the rest like I found for
my mom.
Praying for you all to find the help you need.
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Reply to marymerry
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Gabbygirl Oct 22, 2018
In California, Personal Care homes are referred to Board and Care or a "Six Pack" because they are residential homes with six or less residents. That have certain licensing requirements through the state regarding care. But I think that was what you had in mind.
(2)
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About the meds, ask for a liquid/ drop solutions from the doctor so you can mix with her food/ drinks.
I use also a pill crusher and mixed the med with other vitamins that my aunt takes (she only takes vitamins that she used to, doesn't want to take new meds).
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Reply to CookieOreo
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Reallytryin Oct 18, 2018
Our mother is suspicious of everything and everyone. She would not take a liquid and if she tasted the meds in her food she would stop eating. I think it is probably time for her to go into a NH. She questioned me about the meds this morning and they haven't changed.
(3)
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Best to speak with her town's elder case worker. They should also have on staff a social worker.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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