Mom is unhappy near us in the AL. I am considering a move to an AL in the area she prefers, what do you think?

Follow
Share

Mom has LB dementia and VD and is doing remarkably well in the AL. We see mom once and twice a week separately, and she has other friends and family visit every week. She would like to live near her extended family and I know they too would visit her and take her shopping, etc. as we do. They are all older and not in the best health, and I worry their enthusiasm for having her nearby would not last, or that they will be unable to keep up. When she visits them she is the happiest. (It does surprise me though how people who have never done the caregiving are also sure they can do it better.) This move would make it more difficult for us to visit her, however. I would assume we would go monthly or every other month. I know it isn't right, but she said that our visits don't count because we are her helpers. Boy that hurt! I am considering an AL in the area she prefers, what do you think? I feel as if her later years should be as happy as possible. Happiness is key.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
5

Answers

Show:
Keep her close to you. You're doing the important work of keeping her safe. Her needs will only increase over time and you're the ones who will take care of her. You are her advocates and she needs to be near you. Unfortunately, our elderly parents don't always get what they want.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Leave we’ll enough alone...

If she’s settled in her current place don’t move her and make her get used to a whole new scene. Not good for dementia folks. She won’t be any happier.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

At this point, do what is good for you. As said Mom will continue to go into her own little world. They never like where they are.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Keep her near you. As u said, the extended family is getting older.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Night owl, your mom has been diagnosed with dementia, right?

That means her brain is broken. She can no longer reason, see consequences of her actions or sequence events in many cases. What better proof of her broken brain do you need other than her statement that your visits don't count since you are helpers. "Who will your helpers be if you move, mom?"

If you are determined to keep her safe and cared for, say "we'll see" or " I'm looking into that, mom" and hope that she'll forget about it down the road. If she insists, tell her she needs to make the arrangements herself.

Read Atul Gawande On Being Mortal.  There is a trade off between being happy and being safe.

  I seem to recall that your mom has had some "acting out" issues while in AL; would you be able to manage emergencies like that long distance?  Doctor appointments? Medical emegencies?

Do you really think that mom will be happier if she moves? Don't you think she'll then complain she has no help and misses your visits?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.