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My dad has Lewy body dementia and and my mother has classic Parkinson's, my dad is more advanced than my mother is with dementia. He is about six months away from going into a dementia care facility. My mother is spending a lot and even after speaking with her about toning it down, she still spends erratically---to self medicate her mental issues I presume with a touch of dementia. (7k on clothes last year---she doesn't wear them!) She has very little concern over my dads care or well-being, and is essentially checked out. Since my dad spends nothing, how do I protect some of this money for HIS impending care? I have POA and am co-trustee of their trust account. Do I seek to have her declared incompetent and take over? We can't seem to get through to her. Is there any way do help this situation aside from playing hardball (declaring her incompetent).

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A lawyer may be able to help separate the monies. If ur Dad went on Medicaid, they would take a portion of their shared income leaving ur Mom enoughto support herself.
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My dad declared me as POA when he cannot make sound financial decisions (which is now due to the dementia). My mother has no financial decision making rights over my father at all.
Thank you all so much for your insight and thoughts. It really does help.
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Wouldn't be nice if there was a place that would evaluate a parent. Instead of court it would be a mediator/s of health pros. The would help decide where a parent should be placed if found the parent can no longer take care of themselves. Once a decision is made (caregiver is involved) the mediators would help to place the parent accordng to finances. Helping out with paperwork. Would make lives a little easier.
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You could open an account for your father and put money in there safe for him. Then take Mom's credit card or send the company your POA and close the account. When she asks why she can't use them, just say that they were closed because she spent too much.
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Sounds like the mother is unable to make sound financial decisions. My POA and MPOA gives me every right and I exercise them. I also have a military POA which is even more powerful. Do what you have to do to save your parents Lilpig.
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Just because you have POA you don't have the right to stop all access to their money or accounts - you need guardianship for that. POA only allows you to make decisions when they are unable to, and it should only be used as a proxy for what they would actually do themselves if they could. It's not a right to run someone's life and force them to live the way you want. I know it's hard and your mother should be more careful with money, but just because you have POA doesn't give you the ability to force change on her when she is still able to make decisions (even if they are bad decisions)
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"there is be nothing" - What I meant to say was there will be nothing to put...have to eat breakfast!
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Since you have POA, stop all access to money with banks, credit cards, and inform your mother if she needs something to ask you. You had better stop the outflow or there is be nothing to put your father in a facility. Dementia care is very expensive - about $5,000 - $7000+ per month depending on where you live.
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From personal experience you can't just " get control" over their spending. It's still their life. You can't put you dad in care even with POA because your mom still gets to make all those decissions for him if he is unable. They still have rights. It may be frustrating,but you have no control. You may find the more you try to " help" or give advise the more they resist. I think it's their way of denying what's really happening. I hate to throw water on the issues but I've found you have to step back and let them come to their own ruin.my inlaws are in foreclosure and still refuse to rent or go into a Mobile home. I figure once they are sleeping on the streets in their car that one bedroom apartment will be looking mighty inviting.
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I plan to call this week to set up a time to talk to her doctor and get the ball rolling I guess. I just want to be prepared if and when this darn thing unravels.
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L, have you spoken to mom's doctor about her money issues? I seem to recall reading something about a Parkinson drug having gambling/ spending as a side effect.
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This is a similar situation I'd been dealing with with hub's aunt and uncle; they had a fair amount in savings but uncle would go, first, then insist that she take him and first withdraw sums out - to give to their grandson - then as I understood he would then borrow, not necessarily against it, but was just able to get unsecured loans; I'm not sure they're still paying those/that back, they would get rerolled in so there was only one at a time, I believe, maybe they were paid off with more of the savings but either way everything they had to use for their care is gone, except you might say what little they had that they consider to be used for their funeral expenses. So now basically all they have is what they have coming in, which now when all that money was gone, grandson got hold of their credit card somehow and ran it up and they wouldn't do anything about it so that the cc company would absolve them of it so now they feel obligated - and maybe rightfully so if they're not willing to do anything about him - to pay it back, which they can make more than the minimum payments - as long as they don't pay for any care for themselves. One thing that is helping in their situation is he is a veteran, so that as he got worse, she did call them and tell them she just had to have more help so they did give her more. But their credit card was cancelled over this, so then grandson got their checkbook. Their son did get them both but she demanded them back. Maybe she did still have some to pay bills with or maybe they're automatic but don't think everything can be but the most think is. Know it's getting spring now but think they did buy their propane for the winter, not on a budget plan. Know that she did apply for meals from the senior center and are getting that now and grandson was getting food stamps and buying their breakfast chicken and biscuits. They're not seeming to mind having to live the way they are. They've already literally signed their farm away. Being a veteran they think when the time comes he can go to the local veterans home but last time I checked there was a year and a half long waiting list and he wasn't even on it. But really they're just counting on that not ever happening but she had a bad fall recently that she's not really recovering from; for some reason the bank is calling her.
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If mom is not reasonable, don't leave her in charge. If it is not time to get guardianship, if her docs would not sign incapacity letters yet, you have a tough job because legally she can do what she wants and you will have to get into her worldview and use a lot of persuasion and even subterfuge. Sorry your parents don't have a heart for each other anymore...my mom was like that towards my dad though he still cared about her a great deal. I have to forgive her for willfully refusing to understand what was happening to him, because basically it happened pretty similarly to her too....it's so sad when that happens instead of them comforting each other.
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I agree with Windy above, get those charge cards and checkbooks away from Mom. Tell her from now on everything will need to be bought with cash [make up some excuse, say her credit cards were compromised].

Then give Mom an allowance. "We are now on a budget plan". If Mom wants more money to shop, then ask her from what column should she take the money? From the utility column? Ok we will turn down the heat and turn off the cable. From the grocery column? Ok, oatmeal every day for the next two weeks. If she plays your bluff, then turn down the heat and unplug the TV, and make that oatmeal.

Eventually it will sink in. Your Mom probably was so use to shopping back when her hubby was bringing home a regular paycheck. Unless she had worked outside the home, and that money was her play money.
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You need to stop the waste of money so you can care for these folks. Your are going to have to play hardball one way or the other. Either get guardianship or simply get the checkbook and charge cards away from Mom. Neither is going to be easy but she could wipe out the funds very easily. I went through a similar situation with my Dad a couple of years ago. It took a little trickery and finesse but I was able to save the farm, so to speak.
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I understand completely. Slightly afraid as well. She doesn't even want to be in same facility as him. She's no interest in him sadly. We are treading carefully and trying to be respectgul, yet protect the money for BOTH of them. Thank you for your thoughts.
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You may be in for a rude awakening. Maybe not so much from him, but from her.
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I didn't think we would need anything more than my sisters POA for his healthcare and my POA for his finances in order to take him to a facility. He does understand that is what's on deck in the near future. I've not even heard of guardianship being needed to move family to a facility.
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I strongly advise you to seek Guardian status for both of them. Yes, that would require a lawyer, but the fees can come from their accounts. It does take some months to complete, but would enable you to move him to a care facility when the time comes. It would also put a halt to irresponsible spending.
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