Mom is so mean. Any advice?

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My mother who lives with me, my husband and our 18 year old daughter is just mean all the time. She has been to doctor and she does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. Doctor did extensive blood work and there was nothing wrong there either. She seems to enjoy making my daughter cry . For example. Daughter will make her a treat for dinner and she will outright refuse to eat it or throw it away. She won't say thank you but will spend days talking about awful the pie or cake was (or whatever it is that is being done for her) She doesn't think she should just be grateful for the effort. The more she makes me or my daughter cry the more she laughs at how "stupid" we are because we let dumb things bother us. When I thought she has dementia it was easier to take because I felt she couldn't control herself. Now that I know she is choosing to behave this way I don't know what to do. She is almost 90 and has no money so living on her own is not possible. No other family members will take her in. At my wits end as to how to deal with her. I have done everything I can think of. I tried telling her that she is hurting is and asking her to make a change but she just yells or laughs depending in her mood. We have one more issue with her as well. She refuses to bathe. She will soil herself and still refuse to take a shower despite our having grab bars and shower chair etc and that we will help her. It is a big battle and she will only give in when she is so dirty that we are getting sick from the smell. Does anyone have any suggestions ??

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Dementia cannot be diagnosed or ruled out with blood tests, no matter how extensive they are. So she may still have dementia.

Clearly SOMETHING is wrong with this woman. Has she been this way all her life? In any case, it is not fair to your daughter or to you to be subjected to this kind of treatment day in and day out. How on earth is your husband tolerating this?

Get her out. Sorry that sounds harsh, but you are in a harsh situation. Can she live independently? What does she need help with?

I would call your county Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for Mom. Be sure to be present when this is happening. If Mom lies (I can shower alone and I do it twice a week. I am never incontinent, Etc.) you can be sure that the social worker hears the truth. Tell the social worker that Mom will no longer be living with you and ask what the options are for someone with her needs.

That is how I would start the process, knowing how social services works in this state. I guess every state is different in this regard.

Other options are to call your state's agency on aging, explain the situation and ask for options. Or even the Adult Protection Services people, explaining that you can no longer keep your mother with you but that you don't want to see her on the street and asking again what options she has.

The bottom line is: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ALLOW YOUR MOTHER TO LIVE WITH YOU. She is your mother and I'm sure you do not want to totally abandon her, but you also have responsibilities toward your husband, your daughter, and yourself. Get whatever help you need to remove her from your home to some other environment safe for her.

My heart goes out to you. Keep us informed about how things are working out.
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I would want a complete neuro-psych exam. A sociopathic personality like hers is very Unhealthy for you and your daughter. She is pooping her pants just for spite. Get her out of your house ASAP, I don't care how you do it. Domestic abuse does not end unless YOU end it. She intends to destroy your daughter will any weapons at her disposal. End it now.
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Does your town have a senior housing complex that is subsidized? I just visited one and the rent is a percentage of the person's income. Some even offer some meal assistance. Also, call your Division of aging to see what other options are available. As you realize, it's not fair to throw the rest of the family off if there are other options.
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