My Mom is scared to die and I don't want to let her go. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is scared to die and I don't want to let her go. Any advice?

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We are a hurting pair. Who or what could help us?

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I agree that hospice is generally a wonderful route to go. They have chaplains who are aware that there are all kinds of religious beliefs so they work with the patient and family. Also, as suggested, there are clergy or spiritual leaders outside of hospice who are non-denominational.

I saw my uncle reaching for his long-deceases wife as he died. He sensed or saw something there. I encouraged my mom to go meet Dad who was waiting for her.

I do believe it's often easier for those of use with a belief in some sort of spiritual afterlife. But it's nearly always hard to let go, and often people who are dying feel that they are abandoning their loved ones left behind. Assuring your mother that you'll be okay may help her.

Seeking support for both of you is essential. This was a first step. Many of us have been in your shoes. We are with you.

Blessings to your and your mom. Please keep us updated on how your are doing.
Carol
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I have to write. I lost my Mother 3/16/15. She was 97 and in so much pain. She was at home, as that is where she wanted to be. She was bed ridden. She was at the point where you couldn't get her to eat much and slept most of the time. About a month before her Minister came and we had a last communion. She said once, "i don't know what to do now". I wasn't sure how to answer and i also discussed it with Hospice. They are so very good. It seemed that she was waiting for that last person to come. She had cried because her middle son hadn't come to see her in over a year. We called and begged him to come. He came and spent 5 min. with her. She still was hanging on. I felt that i should give her my permission again that she could go, and that i was going to miss her, but that i would be ok. Suddenly i remembered that she could be waiting on her sister to come, (92 Yrs old) from Az. On Sun. i told her on Sunday that her sister wouldn't be able to come. I told her that when it was time for her to go 'home', God would let her know, and that I was sure Dad would meet her there at the gate, take her hand and walk with her to where she would be greeted by God. I told her they would probably have a big banquet for her when she got there. She left us Mon. evening and she was so peaceful. She seemed to be on her way there all that day. I really hope that your loved one will be able to go as peacefully as this. And we got the most beautiful sunset that evening, it was though she was telling us that she was there, and everything was all right.God Bless you both.
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I just want to share with you the above comments are truly helpful and wise. My mother had made so many plans about her death event, that we did not really have any idea if she was scared. She went quietly in the night with no long lasting illness. But, I did volunteer to take a Veteran to have heart surgery one morning early, and just as I was about to go, he grabbed my hand and was very scared he was going to die..... I looked to the nurses and one told me that it was common for a patient to feel scared.... that he/she would die. As a 74 year old lady myself, I can tell you it is scary to see a parent be scared or vulnerable or hurting. But it is a part of our own growing up to allow our parents to die in as much peace as possible and know that we face a new level in life... without a parent and/or parents. May God bring you strength and peace as you will find your mother has never really left you. My mother is with me at all times.
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How brave of you to come forward with this difficult topic! Death is such a difficult thing to talk about and an overwhelming thing to face. You are not alone though.

My ex died of brain cancer in his 50s. He was very afraid after his diagnosis. The hospice workers were amazing. One time when I went to visit him the hospice nurse was there and my ex was feeling especially frightened. She told him that it was not his time yet. She said you are here tonight and you will be here tomorrow. Those words really helped him.

Our kids were devastated by the fact that their Dad was dying and I was too. Although divorced, we were still close. I went to my Minister who is also a hospice Chaplin, he serves all faiths in his hospice work. He helped me a great deal and in turn I was able to help my ex and the kids. He told me to live in the day and see each minute as a blessing.

Even if you are not a religious person there are non denominational clergy who you can go to if you like. Talk about it with anyone you trust and feel comfortable with. I know this...a burden is always lessened when shared

I hope you both find the comfort you need.
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Jolene Brackery writes in Creating Moments of Joy:
New found response to "I want to go home"
"When they ask to go home, they might be asking permission to leave
this world.
It should be OK to go home ..."
---
{q} Death is such a difficult thing to talk about and an overwhelming thing to face. You are not alone though. {eq}
My ADW is in late stage terminal Alheimer's Disease. I have engaged a social worker to help me deal with death and dying.
Seek out someone who has experience and talk, talk, talk.

Do you belong to a support group?
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My 94 year old dad just passed away on April 1st. I did not want to let him go either & I understand. I am a Believer of Jesus Christ, and in the Bible, The Lord promises eternal life to those who believe in Him. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." Eternal life is Heaven for the Believer- the promise that we will see Him & have a wonderful home in Heaven that He has prepared for us (John 14:2). I invite you to read it for yourself and trust in The Lord. I am very sad about the loss of my dad, but this is not the end... I will see him in Heaven- & there is no pain, no more tears & no more dying There (& no more wheelchairs & diapers!!) see Isaiah 65:17-25. Many blessings to you, friend. I will pray for you & I want you to know there is hope.
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Two amazing heartfelt responses. I was going to suggest hospice as well. Hospice workers are gifts from God to help us and our family members transition. I agree with the other two great answers, praying for you & your mom.
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Such a very difficult time for you and your Mom. I agree that getting a referral to hospice from your mother's doctor would be very helpful for you both. Mom's doc knows the good ones and is you know people that have gone through the death process ask about their experiences. Sometimes people are left with a tremendous amount of guilty feelings when using hospice to aid with the death process which maybe may occur more often when fanilies are not ready to let go. Hospice will help everybody to deal with feelings of guilt. And people sometimes are able to be stabilized while on hospice so, in effect graduate from hospice, though that is usually not the case. Hospice will help both of you get to the point of acceptance. They will do everything they can to helping to comfort you and keep your Mom comfortable. We all know we will not live forever, and that is more difficult for some than for others. If you are a church goer call them to ask for their assistance. Some churches have support groups to help. And the majority of hospice services also have support groups available. As you have done here, call and ask for help.

I lost my dear SO at the age of 54 last fall and hospice was very helpful in easing that transition for him, which also helped me. He wanted to live to be 100 years old. I will always be grateful to them.
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Dying is the last part of living. Sometimes a person has great growth spiritually. I always believe and have shared with patients, God isn't in the business of snatching you away. He is at work in the dying person and their family, to make this last journey.
Please utilize the skills and services of Hospice. I will keep you both in my prayers.
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All I can add are blessings for you and your Mom
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