Mom is resisting having help come in to assist her, What now?

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Guilt?- I don't think I can help my mom much longer as her 24/7 caregiver.

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While your mom was in AL, was it ever suggested that medication for her suicidal depression and anxiety might be of benefit? Her increased neediness and emotional it might be further symptoms of depression, something to consider no matter what you ultimately decide.
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Apologies for misspelling jeanne!
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I apologize for not posting short answers like jeneane who made several points which I did not.
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Gail, Thanks for coming back and answering those questions. I'm glad that you are her POA. However, I am concerned about you taking an allowance out of your mom's money unless the durable POA document specifically says that you can. I'm not sure of the technicalities and I'm sure someone else here does know, but I don't know if a Durable POA can have a care contract with a parent wherein the parent agrees to pay the adult child so much per month for doing certain services which would be listed in detail in the document. You may need to talk with a lawyer about this to be right and to be safe if your siblings ever question the spending of your mother's money and why you got so much before she died. Make sure to cover yourself well.

You have not done anything to feel guilty for? Where is this guilt coming from? Loose the guilt for it accomplishes nothing. Do you feel obligated as the oldest daughter to be the super responsible person? If you are feeling guilty because your hope to be able to care for your mother like your dad did has proved to be something you can't do alone because it frankly is too much? Like all of us, you are only one human being who like any of us can only do so much for others in a day. Paid caregivers get to work in shifts and get to go home and have a break. There is no need to feel guilty for not being able to be super daughter. Be nicer to yourself.

I am sorry to hear of your dad's death in August. Did you know that 1/3 of caregivers who try to do it all alone die before the person they are taking care of?

Think about it. Your dad took care of her for years and you have only been taking care of her on your own since October of 2014 and already feel like you can't continue as her 24/7 caregiver.

You are right that you can't continue to do this on a 24/7 basis. You need help, but your mother refuses because she has become more dependent upon you which is not good for you or for her. Her increased dependency on you will make it harder for you to make objective decisions that are the best for her safety and care plus your own well-being which is important also. Your mother is emotionally transferring the emotional dependency that she had for her husband onto you which is understandable but not good for having healthy boundaries between an adult child and an older parent.

Living with her in her house will also make being objective and taking charge when you need to far more difficult because you are in her house and she sets the rules in her house and may find it easy to start relating to you as if you were still her little girl instead of her adult daughter. That can put you on a guilt trip that can freeze your functioning as her POA. If you end up falling into a child/parent relationship style with your mom that will impact your marriage.

I am sure you meant well moving into her house, but that potentially was not a good move. Being there in the house that belongs to her removes some leverage that you might need to have her placed somewhere for professional care. Does your husband work? Where did you live before?

The doctor has said that she has advanced dementia and can no longer live at home without constant care. That should clearly tell you and her that one person doing 24/7 care is not reasonable. My dad has Alzheimer's and 24/7 care in his home via three hired caregivers who work 8 hour shifts.

There was a family meeting and ya'll decided to place her in assisted living which sounded like she did not adjust too and got into some drama with threatening suicide. Was that threat of suicide taken serious enough for her to see a psychiatrist who may have been able to prescribe her some medicine to calm her down. Did the people at the assisted living place give you any advice on what the family could do to help her settle in. Some places suggest not visiting an extreme amount at first. Did ya'll over visit mom?

It sounds like after deciding to rescue her from the assisted living and not getting the added support you needed from your 2 sisters and 2 brothers to make things work at home that you are second guessing your decision.

Did you expect them to quit their jobs? Are you angry with them because they did not quit their jobs? I did notice that you typed that in all CAPs which is like shouting in internet communication. Do they have their own marriages and families? What I'm asking is did they realistically have the spare time to help you. If they had their own jobs, marriages and families, they may have meant well but could not realistically give you the time that was needed. This needed to have been discussed in second family meeting before that decision became a final decision. I tend to agree with the 3 of the 4 siblings who think she should have stayed in assisted living.

At almost 82, she could live several more years which would mean that nursing home policy could be used up in 22 months which probably does not cover the entire cost, but any extra cost would have to come out of her resources. Do people tend to live long lives in her family? If so, she may well end up spending down all of her money, one day being in a memory care unit in a nursing home and needing to apply for Medicaid.

When my mother went into a nursing home with vascular dementia, she had not recovered the ability to walk following a broken hip. She was 78. She died 4 years later in October of 2013 age age 82. She had a long term care policy for the rest of her life that paid much of her costs, but her funds had to pay the difference. Now my dad at 89 with Alzhiemer's lives at home with the support of his long term care policy which will only last 4 years and the help of 3 caregivers. No one in his family has ever lived this long.

I and my wife are on full disability and our two boys just finished college. We were not in any position to move my mother or my dad to come here to live with us. Nor were we in a position to leave here to another city an hour away for 4 years and then to another city in another state 8 hours away for who knows how long. So, as my mother's POA, I oversaw her care, was her advocate and went with her to all of her doctor's appointments and visited her. My step-sister is my dad's POA and manages his care and serves as my eyes and ears when I'm not up there to visit.

The last thing that I want to say is that given that your mother evidently has some means to pay for her care and has that nursing home policy as well as she is at the point where she needs 24/7 professional care, you need to consider not only your current well-being and health, but also consider your own future retirement which is only built up by continuing to work, save all you can and invest if possible. I must ask how is your husband doing in all of this and particularly since your mother came back home? Your first priority is to your husband, yourself, any children, and then your mom.

I think that you went into this with a very good heart and a wide eyed idealism that you could do it. You have not failed. You just can't do it all alone, the siblings either can't or want help more than they are, and your mother does not want outside help, but wants to be more attached and dependent upon you. Sounds like it is time to punt the change of course and return to the original plan.

I hope you find my response helpful and informative. I wish you and your husband the very best in your journey. I would not say this is a major crisis. It is a bump in the road that could become a crisis if some corrective action is not taken to change its current course of direction. Keep working together as a couple and as a family on all of this and it will work out over time.
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It sounds like there are only two viable choices here:

1) You continue to live with Mom and provide some care, with sufficient additional in-home care that you don't get burned out and can also have some personal life. Mom will need to pay for this and accept it. This might include a housecleaning service, laundry, and a part-time caregiver or companion. You need to be able to leave the house when in-home help is there. Yes, you hoped your sibs could help out. But they aren't. Don't continue to count on them. Your mom needs to hire reliable help.

2) Mom goes to a care center. Maybe that is Assisted Living or a Nursing Home but it is somewhere that has three shifts of staff that can provide the assistance she needs. You visit her often, as her loving daughter, not as her hands-on caregiver.

You went into this with loving intentions. You thought you could handle it. It was very dutiful and kind of you to try. But now you've tried it and know it isn't working out.

If you are willing to continue trying with in-home help, present that option to Mother. Make sure she understands that is the only way you will stay. If she will not agree to that, or if you try it and it still isn't working out, then I think the next step is to tell APS that she has dementia, her doctor says she cannot live alone, and you are going to be leaving.
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Could you give us some more information which might help us in replying to your concern.

How long have you been your mom's 24/7 caregiver? SINCE OCT 2014

How old is your mother? SHE WILL BE 82 IN MARCH

How advanced is her Alzhiemer's? ADVANCED SHORT TERM MEMORY

Has she seen her doctor lately and has the doctor said anything about her needing 24/7 care somewhere other than at home? YES, I HAVE A LETTER STATING SHE WOULD BE UNSAFE UNATTENDED IN HER OWN HOME

Has her doctor evaluated her for being competent or not? HE STATES IN LETTER SHE HAS ADVANCED DEMENTIA

When taking her to see her doctor have you asked to speak with the doctor in private to tell the doctor your observations of your mother? This is important because parents will try their best to come across as normal when seeing the doctor.- DOCTOR IS AWARE OF MOM'S CONDITION, I ATTEND ALL APPOINTMENTS

Are you her durable and medical POA? YES TO BOTH

Are you in her house or is she in yiours? MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE MOVED INTO HER HOME

Has she said why she is resisting having help come to assist her when you obviously need a break from doing this 24/7? SHE SAID SHE WOULD PAY ME, (I ALREADY TAKE AN ALLOWANCE FOR MY SERVICES) SHE IS GETTING MORE EMOTIONAL ATTACHED TO ME

Is she making you feel guilty or obligate to be her solo 24/7 caregiver? I FEEL I AM THE ONE FEELING GUILTY, I AM HER OLDEST DAUGHTER AND HAD HOPED I COULD CARE FOR HER , DAD DIED IN AUGUST, HE HAD BEEN HER CAREGIVER FOR YEARS

Do you have any siblings that are concerned about this enough to help? I HAVE 4 OTHER SIBILINGS, 2 SISTERS , 2 BROTHERS ALL YOUNGER, ALL LOCAL. THEY ARE ALL STILL WORKING AND ARE MINIMINALY INVOLVED AT BEST WITH HER

If you have siblings, has their been a family meeting to discuss a plan for your mother's present and future care? WE HAD DECIDED AS FAMILY MOM NEEDED ASSITED CARE, SO MOM WAS IN ASSISTED LIVING FOR 6 WEEKS - SHE DID NOT HANDLED THE CHANGE WELL, THREATENED SUCIDED, ETC. SHE WAS BITTERLY ANGRY. I FELT I WANTED TO TRY TO TAKE HER HOME, I THOUGHT THIS ARRANGEMENT COULD WORK, PROVIDED I COULD HAVE SUPPORT FROM MY SIBLINGS TO HELP OUT. BUT THE LITTLE SUPPORT I HAVE RECEIVED HAS NOT BEEN ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A BREAK --- I FEEL THEY 3 OUT OF 4 SIBLINGS FELT SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE ASSISTED LIVING... AND I AM NOW THINKING MAYBE THEY COULD BE RIGHT .

If she needs to go to a nursing home, would she qualify or need to qualify for Medicaid? SHE WOULD NOT QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID,, SHE HAS A NURSING HOME POLICY, FOR ABOUT 22 MONTHS, WHICH WOULD HELP SOME.
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More information will result in more specific suggestions. But basically, you can't do more than you can do. Please don't simply withdraw without notifying someone (such as APS) that she needs help and refuses it.
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Could you give us some more information which might help us in replying to your concern.

How long have you been your mom's 24/7 caregiver?

How old is your mother?

How advanced is her Alzhiemer's?

Has she seen her doctor lately and has the doctor said anything about her needing 24/7 care somewhere other than at home?

Has her doctor evaluated her for being competent or not?

When taking her to see her doctor have you asked to speak with the doctor in private to tell the doctor your observations of your mother? This is important because parents will try their best to come across as normal when seeing the doctor.

Are you her durable and medical POA?

Are you in her house or is she in yiours?

Has she said why she is resisting having help come to assist her when you obviously need a break from doing this 24/7?

Is she making you feel guilty or obligate to be her solo 24/7 caregiver?

Do you have any siblings that are concerned about this enough to help?

If you have siblings, has their been a family meeting to discuss a plan for your mother's present and future care?

If she needs to go to a nursing home, would she qualify or need to qualify for Medicaid?
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Gale, if you cannot, and that is understandable, your only choice may be to leave. But, if you do make sure you notify Adult Protective Services so you are not charged with abandoning her. Let them know the situation. And the next time there is a hospitalization you can refuse to take her home, simply stating you are not able to care for her any longer.
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