My Mom is overly affectionate to men (uncles, my husband, my sister's boyfriend). What do we do? - AgingCare.com

My Mom is overly affectionate to men (uncles, my husband, my sister's boyfriend). What do we do?

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She will keep hugging and kissing them on the lips. My mother is mid-stage Alzheimer's. Whenever she is in the presence of another male besides my Dad, she will keep going up to them and hugging them hard, and kissing them on the lips and telling them she loves them. My sister recently had to pull her away from her boyfriend. We can't reason with her at this stage, so don't know what to do.

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Thank you for your quick response. I know it's a very delicate situation. I appreciate your information.
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This behaviour is just plain wrong of the caregiver. Your father is a vulnerable adult, she is responsible for his welfare. Preventing him from engaging in inappropriate behaviour is her responsibility.

But that's not to say it is an easy one. It will be difficult to deter him without hurting his feelings and destroying the caregiver-client relationship, too. She needs training in this tricky area. Bring it up with her, but do it sympathetically. Do you know the correct techniques, by the way? 'Cos I don't - if it were me, I'd be looking for a specialist course (or consulting Teepa Snow).
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My father has Parkinson's and dementia which is progressing. He is at home but needs 24/7 care. One of his caregivers has crossed boundaries and is now allowing him to be overly affectionate with her. I have a camera in the home which she knows I can look in at anytime and that's how I have discovered the make out sessions on the sofa, etc. The worse part of this is, she is married but comes and stays 4 days and 3 nights. My father is very happy when she is there, but it's so inappropriate. I feel like she has crossed unprofessional boundaries and it's taking advantage of my father's feelings. My father is kind and easy to talk to and it must be something that is lacking in her marriage. I plan to have a very serious discussion with her tomorrow after she leaves and the other caregiver comes. I don't want to loose her but I feel that I need to make it very clear that it is up to her to enforce a very clear NO to my father. His mentality of showing affection is like a teenager who doesn't understand boundaries anymore. I have POA and take care of all his financial matters, even reimbursing for groceries, so there is way there is a financial motive. I think this behavior is just plain wrong of the caregiver. Has anybody ever been in a situation like this.
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Thanks for your response JessieBelle. My mom who was always pretty reserved no longer has those filters or any impulse control because of the disease. Unfortunately any verbal discussion such as teasing does not work. She would forget 2 seconds later and repeat the behavior. The men do know the disease, but it's still uncomfortable for them and your correct, embarrassing.
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If the men know she has dementia, they should just either accept it or avoid being around her. It's an illness and should have compassion from these men. They and their partners should understand this. If not, provide them with a link or brochure so they can get informed about it.

I don't know if anyway to stop her from doing it. From my experience with dementia patients, they will not remember that you asked them to refrain from kissing the men. I could explain something a dozen times, but my cousin would not remember it. Even if you write it down, it's not likely she will remember to read it.

It's not that she is willfully trying to be inappropriate, her brain is not functioning the way it used to. It may cause a loss of inibitions. I would be glad that she's not paranoid or violent. Those things can happen too.

From my experience, the quirky behavior goes in phases. This kissing phase may or may not last. Sadly, once she progresses to not being able to walk, she won't be able to approach the men to kiss them.
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I can't speculate on the reason for this behavior, but it's not uncommon -- you just hear about men doing this more than women. When men do it, we're more inclined to consider it harrassment or even assault. At any rate, I think if your mother is past the point of being steered to more appropriate behavior, I don't think there's anything wrong with supporting the men if your life, if they choose to keep some distance from your mother.
I know it's the school of thought that I come from, but (after demonstrating as much tolerance and understanding as possible) I don't believe that the rights or feelings of someone with dementia should trump those of the people around them.
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This is embarrassing. I guess if the men know it is just the disease doing it, they will understand. Maybe they can make themselves less available to her advances. If she is just in mid-stage, maybe you can tease her about it to make her stop. I don't know why she is doing it. I hope it is just a phase she is going through.
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